What is an ex?

[Dako]

I keep reading posts about what to do about the ex, how to interpret the ex, complaints about the actions of the ex and lots of other turmoil about the ex, the ex's mother or the ex's chihuaha. Well, almost.

 

I often wonder why these people give a rat's pitoot if the person is truly an ex.

 

To me an ex is someone you no longer have a relationship with.

Since when is it someone you broke up with 4 times and are trying to get back to?

 

If it's a lover's tiff, it's not a breakup.

 

Vent over, donning flamesuit.....

[Cognitive_Canine]

I agree with you but I think most people just call them exes because they don't have a proper title for them. Want to suggest one?

[lady00]

I keep reading posts about what to do about the ex, how to interpret the ex, complaints about the actions of the ex and lots of other turmoil about the ex, the ex's mother or the ex's chihuaha. Well, almost.

 

I often wonder why these people give a rat's pitoot if the person is truly an ex.

 

To me an ex is someone you no longer have a relationship with.

Since when is it someone you broke up with 4 times and are trying to get back to?

 

If it's a lover's tiff, it's not a breakup.

 

Vent over, donning flamesuit.....

 

I totally disagree. I think sometimes this is true but life is often far more complicated than that. In theory, I agree with you...an ex is someone you are done with and couldn't care less what they are up to. In reality, we often have some kind of relationship with an ex...we talk, we fight, we don't talk, we try to be friends...it doesn't mean that we aren't still exes. I don't think breaking up four times and trying to get back with your ex means you are still together. I think the relationship is defined by the two people in the situation. If they call themselves exes and feel that their relationship is over (even if it is going to resume again) and say they are broken up, then they are. I don't think it makes sense for outsiders to tell them "no, you're not broken up...you're just having a fight." Just my 2 cents.

[karvala]

To me an ex is someone you no longer have a relationship with.

Since when is it someone you broke up with 4 times and are trying to get back to?

 

If it's a lover's tiff, it's not a breakup.

 

An ex is someone you once had a relationship with, and no longer do. It says nothing else at all about their status, including whether or not you've broken up with them before, or whether or not you're trying to get back together with them, or whether or not you've completely forgotten about their existence.

 

Aspiring to a rekindled relationship, and achieving that, are two quite different things. Someone remains an ex until you move from the former to the latter, if indeed you manage to achieve it at all, and I imagine that is why people refer to them as an ex: at that point, that is exactly what they are.

[CallingAllAngels]

Good post...

 

Maybe we do need more clarification on this issue...

 

When I refer to my "ex" he is my EX...as in HUSBAND...NO GETTING BACK TOGETHER...

 

Hell, I can't even get a DIVORCE from him...YET.

 

Maybe we do need a little more clarification?

[itsallgrand]

An ex by any other name.

 

The ex is the lab rat for dissection in our minds. Otherwise, we'd use his/her name.

 

No, really, to me saying "the ex" should entail at least:

Not sleeping with em

Not living with em

Not in a romantic relationship with em anymore (for sure!)

 

That would at least clarify.

[lady00]

No, really, to me saying "the ex" should entail at least:

Not sleeping with em

Not living with em

 

I think everyone has a different definition or situation. Some people continue sleeping with and living with their exes and at the same time they or the other person does not want to be in a relationship with them. I've seen all sorts of complicated scenarios on these boards and I still think that people in this situations really are exes because the dumper has said they want to break up and they do not want to be with the other person anymore.

[annie24]

after a breakup, it helps me to talk about the ex, the breakup, what led to it... etc... i'll talk about it online, with my friends in real life, etc..... but then there comes a point where it doesn't help to talk about the ex anymore, that everytime i bring up his name or talk about the breakup, it is keeping that failed relationship in my present, not in the past. at one point, i just have to stop talking about it and move on, otherwise, i am not letting go of the past and not healing. then you hear their name after like 5 months and you're like, 'oh yeah.... haven't thought about that person in forever!' that's nice.

[Dako]

After reading these responses, I'm rethinking my own opinions.

I realize I may have provoked something, but maybe it's of interest.

I feel for those people who continue to feel hurt by the ex, and in no way assign blame. I just wonder what an ex might be to others.The term gets plenty of use on ENA.

[Jess...]

To me an ex is someone you no longer have a relationship with.

 

I have to agree with this.

 

I looked it up on the net (for argument's sake), and found a couple of definitions.

 

Ex - Not including; without. (makes sense!)

 

exed, ex·ing, ex·es - To delete or cross out (again makes sense)

 

And the obvious one, a former partner.

 

So to me, an ex is, yes, a former partner, but one that has little or no bearing on your life at present.

[itsallgrand]

Yes, but I think that makes things more complicated than need be.

 

I'm not all that complicated, and it confuses me.

 

Living with em' - separation not complete.

 

Sleeping with em' - separation not complete.

 

The other is a no brainer.

 

That is like "sort of almost my ex" - intent is there, but haven't gone through all the actions.

 

I don't know. I feel frustration at this too. Do it or don't - but help others out in helping you out by not fussing up the truth with grey all the time.

 

You can simply say "wife I am in the process of separating from" or whatever.

 

Anyways, enough said. I butcher language and use it without too much thought sometimes, but think it is there to serve a purpose.

 

And a term used here should not need to be explained every single time, or it becomes useless.

[JadedStar]

Yes, you may no longer have a relationship with the ex but I think most people are going to have a time period of healing, reflecting, thinking about what went wrong, what went right and hopefully will take away some good experiences for future relationships.

 

To break up, and say "it ended, over, done, no more thinking about that one" then a person might lose the oppty to learn some valuable lessons.

[CallingAllAngels]

Well, I think no matter what kind of "ex" they are, they still have a "bearing" on your life, or we all wouldn't be here...

[Jess...]

Well, I think no matter what kind of "ex" they are, they still have a "bearing" on your life, or we all wouldn't be here...

 

If that was directed at me, you have a point. In my particualr situation, I don't come here about my ex anymore - I come here to help others, to talk to friends, etc, but if bringing up what happened to me can help others, then I will do it. So I guess you could say he does have somewhat of a "bearing" on my life, but it's not major. If I didn't come here at all though, then he would have absolutely no bearing. Does that make sense?

[CallingAllAngels]

^^Yes...and it was not directed at you in a negative way...just wanted to point out that we are all here for a reason.

 

So it's all good, okay??? ;-)

 

~Allie

[Jess...]

^^Yes...and it was not directed at you in a negative way...just wanted to point out that we are all here for a reason.

 

So it's all good, okay??? ;-)

 

~Allie

 

Yep, all good

[tiredofvampires]

I think it's hard to categorically say that an ex is one with whom we have no more relationship.

 

In some cases, there is a cold-turkey amputation after a break-up, and in that case, the relationship we have with the ex exists -- but in our own minds. It is this relationship, rather than the lifeblood one, that can actually start to take on more and more significance. Perhaps it's a bit delusional and altered by our internal processes, but it is still a connection (and thereforeeee relationship) nonetheless. Many people get stuck here on this one, consumed by the implications of the relationship and how it activated certain things in us.

 

In other cases, there is some effort being made to salvage some piece of the real, existent relationship. Perhaps they are someone that still has to be dealt with socially, practically, financially or otherwise and so both parties find it in their best interests to try to get along, to find a friendship fragment somewhere in there to capitalize on, or want to be there at least in theory if something were to be needed by the other, even with minimal contact. These are the cases that get REALLLY sticky and hairy. Because where do you draw the line in the sand? Where do you keep your sense of decorum balanced with any unfinished strings left hanging in your mind of resentment, wishful thinking, regret, etc.? For some people, the ending isn't tidy, and so even if the person who was once so intimate now is far scaled back in our lives, the relationship has taken a turn -- but not ended.

 

And that's how, with ambivalence thrown into the mix, people wind up with all kinds of scenarios playing out that involve wondering, second-guessing, reading into things, backpeddling and just all other brands of confused, half-healed melodrama.

 

I would say, without going to Google or link removed, that a relationship is any social, emotional transaction with another person. This could be happening on a very subtle, estranged level, or even in our own heads as I said, once there has been a concrete connection of some sort. The more intimate and involved, the more facets to that.

 

And so to me, an ex would be someone with whom we have shared all the facets two people can share -- and have stopped serving in one particular capacity, that is the romantic one. I would add sexual to this, but I won't, because some people around here continue to engage in that with their exes, and still call them exes. So I think the sine qua non of being an ex is that the intention to have a romantic partnership has ended.

[tiredofvampires]

So to me, an ex is, yes, a former partner, but one that has little or no bearing on your life at present.

 

But Jess, what if they dumped you just yesterday? Don't they still have a bearing on your life? They are officially an ex the moment they say, "This is over, I'm moving on", but we are still greatly impacted by them and that action for a long time (I'm taking the dumpee position here because it might entail the most identification still with the relationship.)

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Relationships are fluid, dynamic entities so it is a question of semantics.

 

'Ex' means that the two people are no longer defining themselves as a couple working towards the common goal of a romantic and personal partnership.

 

So if that break has occurred, and EITHER party says there is no longer a relationship, then the person is an EX to that particular definition. No longer a participant in the joint workings of a romantic partnership.

 

It is similar to you're either riding the horse, or you're bucked off. there can be a period of time when one person is hanging off the horse sideways and desperately trying to get back in the saddle again, and another period of the person being dragged behind the horse all tangled up in the reins. there is still a connection to the horse, but the person is no longer a rider! an EX rider of that particular horse.

 

Emotional entanglements usually go on long after the person has been bucked off the horse so to speak. But they are truly exes, until both agree that the relationship is back on, and the person is officially back up in the saddle again.