he is sleeping with 5 other women

[SAMRA2]

so i've been talking to this guy for a month and a half now, we live in different states so we've only seen each other one time but we get along great on the phone. we are not "dating" yet but i think we're going there very soon. the thing is, today i asked him how many girls he's sleeping with currently, and he said 5 (we didnt have sex yet). i was disappointed but i didnt say anything. the question is, is it ok for me to feel this way? i mean we are not in a relationship or anything, yet still i felt sad. do i have a right to feel that way? after how long is it ok to express my feelings about it? i am so confused i dont know what i should think..

[Papillion]

I think you or he must have misunderstood. He's not actually having sex with 5 different women on a rotational basis. Surely. For the love of everything.

[SAMRA2]

I think thats whats going on.. he is having sex with 4 different women in the same period of time, but he says its only sex (no love or attachment). should i MIND at this stage? i feel i dont want him to sleep with anyone else (although me and him are not having sex either) but its like i cant ask him not to in fear of sounding too forward or fast..

[Siriana]

Hm...

I don't think it's possible to have a good relationship that is LDR in case you've never lived at the same place before and had a relationship.

LDR's IMO are fine in case they're temporary solution (one partner is away for some time due to job or similar...) but if you never dated this guy and your contact is mainly on the telephone I don't see how this could work in real life.

 

Also him telling you he's sleeping with 5 more woman is a weird move.

In my eyes there are several possible reasons for his honesty:

- he doesn't care about you enough so this way he wanted to imply not to expect anything serious from him.

- he is not really intelligent

- wanted to brag and test how you feel (immature)

- he is not ready for a relationship (with 5?????)

 

I think this little info you got is a good red flag.

 

This would be a turn off for me.

This statement of his and that kind of behavior doesn't sound sane, mature or respectful at all no matter if he told the truth or he lied to sound more cool.

 

i don't think you should date this guy at all.

[Blue Dreamer]

No offense intentended. Are you for real?

[SAMRA2]

the thing is, I asked him. he didnt just contribute the info.. i believe he would stop all of it if we decided to "Date".

[Papillion]

so he's knocking off 5 other birds and you're seriously considering a relationship with him? Are you insane?

[SAMRA2]

i know it sounds crazy, but we're only been talking for a month and its not real dating yet, thats the only reason i am accepting it. if we do date then he will definitely not be with any woman

[Papillion]

but why would u want to get with a guy like that? I dont understand.

[Blue Dreamer]

the thing is, I asked him.

 

Great. So what does that really mean??? Truth??

 

i believe he would stop all of it if we decided to "Date".

 

Please be careful as to the decisions you are making. Based on your posts, you are selling yourself as willing to be played like a fiddle along with the rest of the band members.

A self respected women would naturally reject a male having sex with 4 other women. Really think about the statements you are making.

[Zorba]

but why would u want to get with a guy like that? I dont understand.

Because he's clearly in demand and that gets some women very interested. It's similar to when you already have a girlfriend you find women more interested in you. I suppose it's logical enough. If you have one woman interested in being with you, you must have something to offer. If you have 5 well....

[FreedomRing]

Hmmm...the only issue I see is that he TOLD her this info...it doesn't sound that unusual to me that he is sleeping with others....I'm under the impression that this happens more times then not when you've just started dating someone, and exclusivity has not yet been established...

[Jeffrey2095]

I guess I kind'a agree with everyone who's posted...

 

On one hand, he was up front about it, there is no exclusivity established.

 

(I do have to wonder if those 5 girls know about each other...)

 

Yet, I would have to wonder if you would be comfortable... I guess there would be a great tendency to be suspicious all the time.

 

If you can feel secure that he is finished playing the field.

 

Good luck and best wishes.

 

Jeff

[St00f]

He is probably telling you that he will stop having sex with them so he can have sex with you, It is pretty obvious thats what he wants. He is going to ask for it from you, I mean he is not going to go from being THAT sexually active to no sex at all, He is probably going to tell you that you're more important than the other girls, but from the sound of it he just wants another piece of ass.

 

I don't think you shouldn't waste your time. To me it sounds like heartbreak waiting to happen.

 

 

Hope this helps

[Portage]

I have to agree with the above posters. I give him credit for at least being honest with you, however, when will he stop? And can he stop???

 

Was he in a long term relationship previously and is now sowing his wild oats?? He must be exhausted. The boy needs a towel.

[Clementine orange]

Busy guy - how does he get this xmas shopping done? Personally I don't think (not would I want to) keep things going with 5 different women similtaneously. I'm guessing sex isn't real meaningful with him. Unless you just want to be another notch in his bedpost (not judgeing here at all) then I'd find someone else.

[ghost69]

you think all 4 of those women know each about each other? doubtful. he is spreading the love and the possible STDs. lots of risk here.

[SAMRA2]

I dont think the women know about each other, i mean its doubtful, but am guessing they wouldnt care either (its just sex, no strings attached with any of them). He told me because i asked him how many he was sleeping with, i expected he's say 1, 2 but 5? well, is this normal for a single guy who is not in a relationship? i am not mad because we are not even "dating" exclusively yet, so we get to see other people. But i dont sleep with anyone right now, and i have only had one sexual partner ever and am 23. well, i guess the point is, can i ASK him to drop the others at this point? guys maybe you can spill your ideas in here. when would you be ready to give that up for a girl? and what is she is not sure to sleep with you?

[bigthings46]

5 women in rotation??? how does he pull that off? I am shocked you are even thinking about pursuing this. Sounds like a case of oneitus

[Catatonic]

Well you live in different states so it's hard to tell if he's going to stop sleeping with the other women. I agree with the other posters and I think you should really think hard about the risks on this one.

[JeckyllNHyde]

I don't feel you can ask him to drop the other women at this point since you have only met once.

I wouldn't expect him to want to date you exclusively immediately and not want to be with any other girls.

 

I think it is normal for a single guy to be having sex with various women this day and age.

BUT I personally wouldn't want to date a guy like that.

On the plus side he was honest, but a guy who said that to me and expected me to take him serious.. well.. I would laugh.

 

When I started talking to my current bf, I misunderstood that he was having casual sex with another (ONLY 1!!) girl at that time and I felt bad already, I remember even starting a thread about it.

 

We talked every single day for the past month and he would text me everyday too, say how great he thought I was and flirt alot. So I felt his words weren't matching his actions.

Then I found out I had misunderstood. Point is: as soon as I thought he had another chick on the side I backed off. He saw that and I could see he was sad that he may have messed things up with me. He explained the whole thing to me later.

A guy who is interested will make sure you don't get away (and he would probably stop having casual sex if he really cared to get to know you better).

 

No need to tell him directly to stop having sex with them. But try and indirectly tell him. Mention to him that you don't know what his intentions are (if he plans to date you? etc) and that you feel your not comfy with someone who is having sex with 5 other women even if it is JUST sex. (I know I wouldn't be).

[watupgangsta]

if you are 23 and have only been with one guy, this is not going to work, in all likelihood.... hes having sex with 5 right NOW. are you really going to trust him with such a distance between you guys? i don't know the guy obviously, but idoubt that you should trust him even if you were somehow able to. he must have a very charming demeanor and has a way for making girls fall for him. my advice would be to give him some distance and see if he chases after you. if he doesn't, then he probably doesn't value you very much. if he does chase, that doesn't necessarily mean he'll be exclusive with you. but at least it will show that hes interested in you, and not just willing to take whatever is thrown his way.

[blender]

I dont think the women know about each other, i mean its doubtful, but am guessing they wouldnt care either (its just sex, no strings attached with any of them). He told me because i asked him how many he was sleeping with, i expected he's say 1, 2 but 5? well, is this normal for a single guy who is not in a relationship? i am not mad because we are not even "dating" exclusively yet, so we get to see other people. But i dont sleep with anyone right now, and i have only had one sexual partner ever and am 23. well, i guess the point is, can i ASK him to drop the others at this point? guys maybe you can spill your ideas in here. when would you be ready to give that up for a girl? and what is she is not sure to sleep with you?

 

So "maybe" all the woman know about each other or they don't? What it is about this CHOICE OF BEHAVIOR on his part that you admire and respect?

 

It's not about you asking HIM to "drop the others at this point" it's more about saying what it is that YOU would want when starting a relationship or dating ANY guy.. by this I mean, Are YOU interested in ANY guy who has so many women in his life yet he doesn't have "feelings" for them?

 

you have to have the self respect to discover why you would believe that he'd "drop them all"...at any point.

 

because the first thing to want to know is WHY..why does he have this "need" to have so much variety? Do you think that some woman can CURE HIM OF THIS? yuk.. this is HIS choice of behavior, to have intimate relationships with so many women at one time yet have NO feelings for them beyond physical? That's a HUGE RED FLAG, no matter how "honest" he is about telling you.

 

He has a "pattern" here, and one he even boasts about... if you want to know who a man is take a look at his "choices of behavior BEFORE he got to meet you".. and that will tell you so much about his future pattern..

 

Take care of yourself, be careful not to think you can change who he is or what he does... any girl who believes she can "replace" a man who desires and attains a variety of women and yet has NO feelings for them... well that's like discovering a cure for the common cold..it's never been done.

 

It's one thing for him to be involved sexually with a woman whom he has an understanding with that there's "no strings attached" but how realistic is this? he has FIVE? what about the one woman who matters to HERSELF, who has SELF RESPECT, and who would want to "know" about any other women? Is this really something that is realistic with a self respecting, secure, mature, loving, loyal woman? I guess he's never had a successful relationship with a woman who loves herself enough to NOT allow this "no strings attached" type of "not knowing" situation.. he's got his plate full, unless you want to share some space on that messy plate you might want to consider telling him that this "new information" about his oh so active sexual life is something you do not want to get involved in...

[SAMRA2]

well, He has had several serious relationships before. the last one lasted 6 years, so i think he does have the ability to stabilize. the problem is, and my question is, does having sex with several women indicate that he is a "bad" guy to be with? I am going to see him next week and i want to be sure of what i would say to him and to explain what i expect. i agree with all of you that it doesn't seem right he needs all that many girls in his bed, but he did have serious relationships before and maybe this could be one. (the reason i insist is that there are many factors -which i can not mention here- that make us a great match). Is it really so black and white? no grey zone?

[JeckyllNHyde]

It's hard to tell if this makes him a bad guy or not.

Maybe he got out of the relationship and wanted to experience single life.

I don't blame him. 6 Years is a long relationship.

I would just get to know him (if you feel like it).

Take it slow and don't jump into bed with him till you 2 know each other better. Or you might end up #6 IMHO.

Get to know each other, and don't get too serious with him till he isn't sleeping with the others. Or say you have gone out on the second or 3rd date. By then he should know how interested he is in you and if he likes you enough to give up the casual sex (for now at least).

 

And here is pretty good advice too if you want to continue persuing him:

Quote watupgangsta

my advice would be to give him some distance and see if he chases after you. if he doesn't, then he probably doesn't value you very much. if he does chase, that doesn't necessarily mean he'll be exclusive with you. but at least it will show that hes interested in you, and not just willing to take whatever is thrown his way.