Something funny

I don't think that "fixing" the old relationship and reentering it would be the best idea however. I would want to treat it more like a new relationship, without discussing the old (at least not initially). I don't think I should show her that I want her "back", rather that I simply just want her. However, I guess it's much too early to be talking about that. I still have a couple of weeks to go before even making my first move.

Those are some good points! But I think I really do need to be the one to intitiate contact next, since I made it pretty clear to her that I needed some time alone, and that I would get back to her once I had gotten on my feet. She replied that she respected that and would wait for me to make the next move. I'll wait another couple of weeks to really be confident in my independance (I feel as if I should be able to handle a meeting today, but I want to be on the safe side) and I'll follow your advice. Asking her to go for a drink would be a good "test" of sorts, I know she likes taking a drink but she thinks it impairs her judgment somewhat. If she just orders a coke or water or whatever, I know that she's still afraid and that she's not ready to relax in my presense yet. I just hope I can avoid becoming simply her friend, since that's what she's stated that she wants. Any tips on steering things in the right direction?

Okay, I'll try to sum it up briefly.. - She left me about 5 weeks ago, she thought the relationship had gotten stale and boring after 3½ years - I begged for two days and got harshly rejected - Started No Contact after 2 weeks - I've been focusing on myself for the last 3 weeks, excercising, making new friends - She's contacted me a couple of times, wanting friendship, I said I needed more time - She doesn't have anyone else, but she's been seeing some guys, flirting and stuff, according to friends I want to wait a couple more weeks before trying to contact her again. Now after some time I've realized that I don't really need her, but that I've lost a damn good woman. What do you think my chances are of getting her back?

Exactly! This is just a structured method for bettering oneself. Sure, it uses the ex as a sort of initial fuel, but let's face it, when you're really missing your ex, you don't have many other driving forces. The point is that in the end of the "game", you have a better chance of getting the ex back OR moving on. If the system works as it should, it makes for a win-win situation.

Well, that's why you have to set the bar high. The point is to understand during the journey that it's not the goal that counts, it's the journey itself. As I said, you're not supposed to run to the phone the first thing you do when you've amassed the required points, you're supposed to be somewhere where you've realized that you may not even WANT to do it. That's why dating and meeting other people should give so many points - to make you realize that there are other people than the ex. The point system is supposed to drive the users towards a goal that hopefully won't matter much once they've reached it.

Well, as I wrote..

Okay, now I'm breaking the "one topic on the first page" rule, but I figured that since the support topic is common property and this isn't a personal thread either, it might be alright. Background I'm in a situation very similar to most of us, and I know what I have to do. I have to move on and become more independent, and I can't just sit around waiting for that to happen. I have to use my No Contact time wisely and move actively towards independance and stability. What's the Point System? There are two important factors in becoming independent after a breakup. One is time, and the other is actively striving to create an independent identity. Becoming a stronger, better person. We all have tons of excess energy right now. We're sad, angry and desperate. What we need to do is to focus that energy, NOT on the ex, but on something else. The point system is a structured way to using that energy in becoming more independent, and to finally be able to confront (and maybe even win back!) the ex - on his/her level. How does it work? Think about the things that help you move on. Hanging out with friends, dating other people, excercising, working, travelling? Figure out a hierarchy among these activities. Which ones have the greatest impact? What activities make you feel strong and independent? The idea is to assign points to these different activities. Getting a better job might earn you lots of points, while excercising for an hour might reward you with a smaller number. Try to find a balance. It might take a few days to get the balance right. After that, decide on a goal; a number where you believe that you'll be an independent person. Set it high. DON'T set it too low! And make sure you're firm in not lowering the bar. When you've reached this sum, you're free to contact, and try to win back, your ex. At the end of every day, sum up the points. Evaluate yourself. Give yourself ratings. Give yourself bonuses if you've been thinking very little about your ex, or if you've done something special. Since time is also an important factor, give yourself a set bonus at the end of every day, and maybe another bonus for not contacting the ex. Make sure that you're punished in terms of points if you try to contact him/her. Be firm. And try pushing yourself into doing fun, exciting things. Set skydiving or something like that (anything exciting) to a large amount of points and try to realize that activity. Imagine how impressed your ex will be when you tell him/her about all these cool things you've done! Don't forget the No Contact rule either. It plays a very important role in this system. Contact will only slow the process down. Will it work? Well, the idea of the point system is actually not that you're supposed to run to the phone the second you've accumulated the score. The idea is that when you've reached the goal sum, you'll hopefully be a much stronger person who can deal with the ex in a better way. We all know that the key to winning him/her back is to not be clingy, and this is a structured way to becoming more independent. With that said, it's always good for morale to have goals. Goals have a tendency to drive and inspire us, and that's important in times like this. Try to use the point system to move focus from your ex to yourself. Focus on the things that make you happy, and realize that being happy is the only way to win back your lost love. I hope this helps, so far I've been using it for a week and it feels good. I like having a goal to look forward to, a future state where I know I'll be a more independent person. You should try it at least.

Langeveldt, you should try cutting contact again. Try making her understand that you can't just be her "friend in need". Hanging out with her like a friend isn't fair to either you or her. Just give her an ultimatum - do it subtle or obvious. If she says no, just cut the contact and bide your time. You will either get over her or find yourself in a better position for getting her back later. Use time to YOUR advantage.

Jeez, I already have to use my own topic. I hate having mutual friends. A while ago, I found out that my ex is going out partying with our main mutual friend. I just don't want to know things like that, I don't want to think about her going home with some sleazy stock broker or dancing with some latino lover. I just want to get those thoughts out of my brain.

Yeah, it's amazing that time really does heal the wounds. I was at a concert the other day, and they played a song my ex used to sing to me when I was sleeping in her lap. A few weeks ago, I would have broken down completely, but now I could handle it, even though I got sad.

Yeah, I basically feel the same (after 5 weeks). But in my case, cutting contact and improving myself really makes it feel better. But I still can't stop thinking about her either. Just like you say, she's the first thing I think of in the morning, and the last thing before I go to sleep.

Getting impatient with No Contact? Feeling like you'll never be "that" happy again? Can't stop thinking about him/her? Feel like everything is pointless? Post here and support eachother. We're not alone in this, after all.

I'm going through the same thing (like most of us I guess). These are the things that best drive away my "evil" thoughts: - Excercise (running does wonders.. at least for the moment) - Dating others (even if you're not really interested in the other person) - Hanging out with friends in a group (it really makes you feel like you're surrounded with love) I wish there was an easier way. Anyone have similar tips?

Firstly - who deleted the post with the link? Now it looks like I'm talking to myself. And littlefeet, yeah, I guess you're right; all women are naturally not the same. But still, some women do like this separation of different-sex people..

Haha, I guess that's helpful in a way. But I'd really like to hear a woman's perspective on this.

It is often stated that guys have a more blurred line between female friends and lovers than women do. According to this belief, women are more prone to keep friends and lovers apart, and men generally see no problem with a female friend becoming his lover. I can relate to this thinking personally, for example. So, if you believe this is true, how can a guy climb the ladder and go from friend to lover? As the placing of this topic also suggests, this concerns mostly ex-relationships, where there has once existed mutual attraction.

Why did the relationship end? Because he wanted more space? If so, maybe you should wait some more and cut the contact a bit. Maybe a few more weeks, I don't know. Otherwise, your plan sounds good to me.

Good question. I'd say you have to start with breaking the contact for at least a few weeks. Right now you're heading down the friendly lane, and to switch over to lover's lane, you'll have to back up a bit, by cutting contact for a while. Next step after that? I don't know. Maybe setting a date with her and showing her how good you work together (without talking about the relationship that is). Like just trying to charm her like you'd charm anyone that you're coming on to. Basically, I think you have to wipe the slate somewhat and try to win her over "again" instead of trying to build on the old relationship.

Yeah, that was basically what happened when I met my ex too. I live close to where she works, and the past weeks, I've been afraid to walk around in the neighbourhood around the time she gets off. But the other day, I thought "what the heck, she can't keep my from being here when I want to" and I took my normal route home. And boom, there she was. It was such a god damn trauma. Now I'll simply stick to avoiding her completely until I feel much stronger. The funny thing is, I was planning to "bump into her by accident" a little later. But I was caught off-guard and realized that my plan wouldn't be effective anyway until I've become a lot more independent.

I know, I'm sort of in the same boat. My ex says she misses me and wants to be my friend, but that just doesn't feel right.

Girls seem to have a more distinguished line between friends and lovers than guys do. I know from experience that it's easier for a girl to rise from being a guy's friend to his lover than it is for a guy to do the same thing with a girl. So how does that transgression work in the eyes of a girl? Any female here who feels she can answer that question?

Okay, haha, this might sound a tad retarded, but I've decided to start working on a scoring system. Every self-developing, fun, independent thing I do gives me a specified amount of points, depending on how much impact the thing in question has. The idea is that I can't contact her at all (unless she initiates contact) until I've reached a certain high quota. It'll probably take more than a month to fill that quota, and I hope that when I do, I'll be a stronger and more independent person. I've set the quota pretty high, but I can't lower it - only raise it, if I'd for some reason want to. Sure, it doesn't change much, but it feels good to have a goal. Setting goals is good for morale, or so I've heard. Ultimately, the problem lies within me, so anything I can do to structure and work with the problem must be good. I'll keep you posted about how this idea works out, and if it feels good, I'll gladly recommend it to everyone else.

Awesome post, vfunkera. Thanks a lot. I guess I'm too impatient. I need to let time more time pass, so I don't think about her as much as I do today. I've made lots of progress in only one month, and maybe another month will do the trick. I guess I'm already doing everything I can (keeping busy, taking EVERY opportunity to meet new people, strenghtening myself, etc), I just need to let the clock do it's ticking. If we're going to get together again, then both of us need to fall in love again. If I haven't let go of her, it's impossible for us to fall in love again. In that case, we have to start again from scratch, and that means I have to wipe my slate clean. And I guess that takes time. I guess I shouldn't expect to be over a 3½ year relationship in just one month. I'll just hope I'm even more independent in one more month. I wish there was an easy shortcut to take, but I guess there just isn't.

I mean, people tell me I should meet up with her when I feel ready, strong and independent. And so far I HAVE been feeling those things, and I really thought I had come a long way. I thought I was going to be able to keep my cool. I knew exactly how to act. But all those things just went out the window when we met. Sure, I didn't say anything stupid, but I was shaking like crazy and feeling inferior. So how do I know when I'm ready to face her? Just feeling strong doesn't seem to cut it when the moment comes. Damn! I hate feeling inferior like that. I usually never feel like that around anyone.

But technically, I AM doing better. New job, been excercising, gotten lots of new friends.. actually, my life has never been better. On the outside. The problem is, I still miss her like crazy. I don't know what do to about that problem though.