luckystar

it is way tooooooo soon to tell how this will play out.......things happened way too fast after your breakup.... you were broken up one week and she has realized what she wants??? one week is not enough time for her to figure her head and think clearly about something of this nature.... you may or may not get hurt in the end, but unless there is some time in between something like this, the chances are less that it will work in my humble opinion

yes.....this DOES break the no contact rule....

What do you do when you're sure no one is watching? When you have no need to impress others, what is it that truly impresses and fulfills you? The foundation of success is built in the moments when no one else is watching. What you do in those moments, when nothing is expected of you, is an excellent measure of who you really are. Others can encourage you and nag you and intimidate you into taking action. Yet the real and lasting accomplishments will come when you take your own initiative, and express the best of who you are. When you are free to do exactly as you please, what is it that you do? When nothing is expected of you by others, what do you expect of yourself? The moments when no one is watching are moments of great opportunity. For they are your chance to determine and develop the person you most want to be. You can go through life merely appearing successful, or you can actually experience true success and fulfillment. The difference depends on what you do in the moments when no one is watching

What exactly is "letting go"? It's giving up trying to control something we have absolutely no control over. It's understanding and trusting that we will be okay no matter what. And it's recognizing that we 'control' because we fear what might happen to us if we lose something...we fear being alone, unloved, or not worthy...we fear starting over again, the unknown, the financial burden of a single income....we fear failing or losing. LETTING GO OF CONTROL You need to learn to let go of the fear of being out of control, the fear of looking bad, the fear of not being accepted, or perhaps the fear of not being loved. You need to try to overcome the fear of whatever losses you think you will suffer. Will you really be unlovable if you breakup? No! Will you be rejected? Get real now, how can you be rejected if you don't put your entire value and worth as a human being in someone else's hands? Focus on letting go of control by focusing on letting go of the fears you may face during a particular event, rather than the event itself. If you feel an impending breakup and you resist it, or try to control its outcome, you are probably only making matters worse. The more you resist and fight, the more the object of your love will pull away. However, by realizing what you are really resisting are the actual implications, feelings and emotions associated with a breakup, and not the breakup itself; by trying to understand why your Angel fears these things; and then by accepting that you will be okay no matter what–you give up the resistance and let go..and this might just save this valued relationship of yours! And by accepting the fact that, even if you don't approve, a breakup may happen anyway, you gain an inner peace and stop the internal fight. This, in turn, makes the other person feel safe with you. You are now in a position to stop your breakup by reuniting your Lost Mate's trust, faith, and passion. The more you let go of someone the more they feel safe and comfortable around you. By concentrating your efforts on changing your resistance, and accepting your fears, and trusting that you will be okay no matter what..instead of focusing all your energy on fighting the change and the situation, you gain back control of your emotions and feel an inner peace that allows you to let go. When you let go of a situation, or an event, you actually gain power over it! For instance, if another driver cuts you off in heavy traffic, and you react by shouting obscenities–or responding to his action in some other way, shape, or form–you are actually giving power and control over to the other person, or the event. But if you remain calm, compassionate, and apathetic, you are not allowing him to upset you–you are exercising control and power over the situation. You are the winner!

Yes, much damage has been done, and it is up to you to open your heart back up. The first step is to find forgiveness, both for yourself and for those you feel have wronged you. First you need to accept the fact that your present situation is not a happy one for either of you. The truth is, though, that if there is to be any effort to change the situation, you - and you alone - must make it. Don't expect to be immediately rewarded or acknowledged for these efforts. A lot of damage has been done and it cannot be reversed over night! We sometimes get tunnel vision when it comes to our pain. Our focus narrows as we zero in on the damage other's have done to us, but are often blind to how much impact we have on our lives and how much impact we have on others. We, as prideful, egotistical humans, often tend to idealize ourselves. Again, throw away your pride and see through honest humiliation just how much damage you have impacted on yourself and on others. Remember, too, that you are only human - and humans are imperfect. You make mistakes and errors in judgment. You are blind to yourself, claiming immunity to your own role in your life's troubles. We, as humans, deny are self-centerness, so it takes a huge dose of self-humility to acknowledge that we are not totally without blame. The easiest thing in the world for us to do is to point a finger in the direction of another. We truly believe that they are responsible for our happiness, our misery, our futures, our past, our present. Oh, gee! Not so, we - and we alone - are responsible for almost every situation we have ever been in, the exception to that rule is being that of a victim. Naturally you may feel some anger, or hurt, but finding forgiveness for both yourself, and the other, eliminates the natural impulse to carry a grudge. Realize that everyone's personal motive is to create happiness in their own life, not to create pain in yours. Understand that forgiveness is for your sake. Holding on to resentments, or grudges, is only working against you. It keeps you living just outside of peace. Resentments and grudges are by-products of pride and ego. We feel like we are saying we are unworthy of respect if we let go of resentments and grudges - we may also feel that if we hold another in contempt we are actually exercising power over them. Untrue! When we let go of resentments and grudges we are actually saying, 'I am a bigger person than you'. This is the moment when you are now free to live more peacefully, free of the negativity that keeps us prisoners to our pain. Remember, you will feel better, and be a better person, by forgiving your mate for the pain you think they may have caused you. Brutal, hard facts are a bitch, and the brutal, hard facts are that they didn't cause your pain. You, by allowing yourself to be effected in a negative manner, created your own pain. You may feel like you are losing your dignity if you accept bad treatment of you, but I'm not telling you to accept bad treatment - I'm telling you to forgive them for being human. And, isn't saving your relationship worth 'losing face'?" Remember: do you want to be happy or do you want to be right? Regardless of whether your Lost Mate immediately responds to your efforts, or changes their direction, or not - is irrelevant. It is still up to you to keep on willing love, acceptance, and good wishes toward them. Rarely will your efforts be rewarded immediately. Your relationship didn't crumble immediately, nor should you expect to rectify it immediately. Remember, you don't have to say it was 'okay' for someone to wrong you, you just need to find forgiveness in your heart for them being human.

2-3 months is alot less time than you think it is...... right now it seems like an eternity.....but it isnt and there is not lost hope after this amount of time.... i know it for a fact in a past relationship and am implementing it now on my current breakup.... time will heal..... time, time, time, work on yourself.....i promise you it will help you if you ever get that second chance.... you have to be willing to let her go before you can get her back

I hope this doesnt get deleted, because I am truly not promoting this for any other reason than that I know it has helped me get through the last week so well and has given me the best foundation to completely get back on track with my life and deal with my breakup...... link removed I only got the book....."This side of goodbye" and nothing else.... It is worth its weight in gold in my opinion as I read it every single day.....and it helps me get through and be healthy again.

I can tell you this.....it DOES get easier ......on day 12 I was ready to throw in the towel and contact her.... I am now on day 24......I feel much much better.....i still want her more than anything, but have gotten out and done a few things to make it better... 1. excercise at least 30 minutes EVERY day for the next 30 days 2. go on at least three dates with other women in the next 30 days....( i know this may be hard...but you MUST do it )....it was a godsent for me to do this!!...I am serious... 3. try as hard as you can to focus on school/work or whatever you do during the day... 4. try to relax....I take really huge deep breaths and hold it in .....then let it out....over and over.....while saying to myself....."let go....just let go" in a calm voice.......it helps... 5. You MUST not do the contact in the first 15 days no MATTER what....!!! This is the hardest part....after day 15, it will get a little easier each day....you will have good days and bad days...but keep up with the excercising, reading this website, going on a few casual dates and you will feel better for sure.... You do NOT want your ex to come back to a person who is an emotional wreck.....they want a person who is happy and content with themselves.....so BECOME THAT PERSON..! I know it is easier said than done....but I am on day 24 of 60 that I am shooting for....and at day 12, I was at an emotional low.......today I am looking forward to being able to mark off another day and go on my next date.......I will get her back someday.....I know it and want it and will stop at nothing to get her....I am willing to lose her...to let her go...this is the only way to get her back........this is what has given me confidence to keep moving.....i also have lost 18 pounds since the breakup from the excercising!!!

Our Angels are simply my word for our subconscious mind , our inner voices. And they can be very damaging! They evoke and arouse feelings of pride, glory, fear, greed, lust, and need. We all have a subconscious, a 'nether' side, a hidden voice that controls and interferes with everything we do. I call them our Angels. Our Angels have been with us since birth. Like a guardian Angel they only intend to look out for our well-being. They love us so much. Their only job, their only reason for being is to make sure we are safe and unharmed. Every uncomfortable feeling or emotion we have ever felt, our Angels store in their "feeling data-base". When a new experience, situation, or event happens to us, they quickly scan their memory data-base looking for a similar situation and then relate those emotions back to you, they remind you how it went wrong before hoping to spare you getting hurt, or being embarrassed, again. If they can't come up with a similar situation then they will use any situation that is even remotely the same. Our Angels really do have good intentions..they love us, and they only want to spare us from pain, danger, embarrassment, or hurt––but because Angels are purely emotional beings they lack the ability to think, reason, or rationalize. They are completely illogical. I often refer to them as our Angels. You may call it your subconscious, your inner child, your emotional self––anything you want. But I call it my Angel, because she really is just a well-intentioned Angel that loves me very much and is only looking out for me, in her well-meaning way. Her intentions are basically good. Your Angel lives in constant terror of "making a fool out of herself". To better hear and understand my own inner voice I have created a name for her. My Angel's name is Emily, and Emily isn't such an Angel sometimes! Sometimes she's a nasty, little, subconscious demon that follows me around sending me messages like, "you're unlovable. You're not capable of that. You're going to fail. Why would they hire you? Nobody wants you–you're hopeless. You're too stupid to figure that out. Nobody will ever stay with you. You're worthless." Oh argh! But I really have to embrace her because each one of her fears are based on a painful, or a series of painful events in my past life, and not on actual fact. If you really want to think about it–our Angels are actually big, emotional chickens! They fear everything! That's what the Angel is made of––fear. Fear that you will get hurt, embarrassed, or rejected. Fear that you will be alone, left to look undesirable, unlovable, or a failure. They really are just looking out for your well-being, and to do this they must warn you and remind you of every bad thing you have ever felt or experienced–so you will never make that same mistake again! They try to instill fear and remind you of failure at every turn. And because those fearful Angels can be sneaky you may not even know they're there until you hear a certain word, such as somebody saying you're "dumb", and that word hurts. That's because your loving, well-meaning Angel is telling you that you are dumb. Your conscious mind may know you're not dumb but it isn't as loud as the Angel and thereforeeee unable to distinguish between what is true and what is your Angel (fear is irrational and screams, logic has more class and is quieter). Your Angel is really just a fearful little creature that is saying "what if you are dumb? Then you will look like an idiot in front of everybody–they will see how dumb you really are–and you will be embarrassed." Sometimes–when we get really attached to somebody–the attraction may be based on a simple, let unacknowledged fact––they quiet those little Angels in us! They soothe our fears. They make us feel like we're not dumb simply by displaying confidence in us–that's because another person's conscious mind can't hear our Angels. We say to ourselves, "well if this guy–who I think is the smartest man in the world–has confidence in me then I must not be that dumb after all!" So we no longer feel dumb. He has soothed our inner issues. Taken away our hidden fear. This is False Love. So then what happened? Sadly the relationship is reaching an end, and we instantly and falsely believe that we need our Lost Mates. Why? Because the fear of losing them represents having to face all those issues that they soothed and made disappear for awhile. All the fears return. And the fear of having to face these issues if our Lost Mate leaves us, makes us think we need them far more than we actually do. For instance, the thought of losing our mates makes us feel 'dumb' again, and we don't want to feel 'dumb' so we create this false sense of need for our Lost Mates, in order to not feel 'dumb'.. Your Angels continuously rate you as a human being, and since they cannot consciously communicate with other's inner angels they judge you by others outward acceptance or rejection of you.~Tigress Okay, so now our little Angels are having a devil-size field day with our emotions. What happens? Our conscious minds–the part of us that knows we're not dumb–says in its weak little frail voice, "no, I'm not dumb." But the fearful Angel is the loudest of all voices and she shouts back, "YES YOU ARE!" (Remember–fear is irrational and screams, logic has more class and is quieter!) Our conscious mind begins to feel even more meek, more intimidated, but again it tries to argue and says in a smaller, cracking voice, "no, I am not dumb." "YES YOU ARE!!!" And, a simple - yet unknown - fact of life is this: the more you try to convince yourself of something, the more you will believe just the opposite (the subject and logic behind this book - we usually will create the opposite of what we set out to do! If you set out to try to gain someone you may lose them, but if you set out to let them go, you may just gain them. If you set out to feel one way you may feel just the opposite. For example, the more you try to fall out of love with someone the stronger your love for them will be!) The more you try to rationalize that you are not dumb - the more you will feel nothing but dumb. Your subconscious mind–your Angel–is louder than your rational, logic conscious mind. Remember–fear is irrational and screams, logic has more class and is quieter! So, the more you try to convince yourself you don't need your mate, the more you might feel like you do! These fearful, loving, well-intentioned Angels (these issues), are really your enemy. They sabotage your feeling freedom from need. They keep you attached to your partner. Longing for them. Stuck in the need. These Angels can be a very powerful enemy, and we already know we can't come to battle with them and win, because they are louder than us. Remember? So how do you win a battle against such a powerful army? How can you find peace with such a strong adversary? How do you do that? Well, we know what isn't working. Fighting them isn't working–they're stronger than us (fear is the most powerful thing in the world). So how do you win a battle against such a powerful foe? Easy! You have two very powerful allies that the Angel doesn't. You have both intelligence and wit. You outsmart them. How? Well as pointed out before, these Angels are not very smart. Fear is stupid. It has no logic. It has no reason. It hasn't the ability to rationalize. It's like a scared kitten. Helpless, it relies on only one defense–offense. Have you ever seen a small kitten that is just a couple days old? It's very fragile, very helpless, completely without defense. Very small. You could crush it to death in one powerful close of your hand around its tiny, fragile, little body. Yet, if you pick that kitten up it will scream very loudly, rapidly, and repeatedly–to the point where it might shake you up and unnerve you enough to put it right back down immediately. And that is our Angel's only defense too. Just like the kitten, our fears only defense is offensiveness. Fear is loud, it shouts above the rest. "Hear me, I am boss! I rule!" Angels are bullies that depend on their offensiveness to win. They are louder than your conscious mind, they have to be. How else can they survive? So, what quiets them to the point where they shut up, never to be heard from again? How do you sooth their savage cry. Well, as pointed elsewhere in this book - you let them win! You silence their screams by the intent to learn where they are coming from, and, most importantly, by agreeing with them. Tell them they are right. You kill their need to win, their need to battle, their need to be right by allowing them to win! Like I said, those Angels are loud but they're not very smart. You are smarter than them. What's the quickest way to stop an argument? By constantly fighting against the other's point? By continuing to oppose the other's side and impose yours, hoping to eventually win where the other side gives in and relents out of pure exhaustion? No! What's the quickest, most direct way to win any argument? Agree with the enemy! It doesn't matter if you really know that they're not right! Just by telling them, "you're right" the argument ceases to exist. It's over. The battle is finished. And it's even easier to do that when you try to understand their point of view. You don't have to agree with it, just try to understand why they have it. Have compassion, maybe even feel pity for them for their sadly learned–yet ignorant–beliefs. Show them kindness. As an example let's say you are a woman and you ask your mate if he would do the dinner dishes. "No," he replies adamantly, "you should do the dishes–it is a woman's job to do the dishes." "No it's not," you answer him, feeling unvalidated and intimidated. "Yes it is," he says back to you loudly, this time with more determination in his voice. "The hell it is...," you say. And before you know it a fight has ensued! His deep, powerful, masculine voice overpowering yours and making you feel meek and bullied. Now, let's approach that same scenario, but on a different level. He replies to your request by saying, "No. You should do the dishes–it is a woman's job to do the dishes." Now stop for a minute and ask yourself why does he feel it's a woman's job to do the dishes? Perhaps it was something that was taught to him as a child? Is he wrong? No–because to him it is a woman's job to do the dishes. After all, that's how he was taught–that's how he was raised. So, do you see how you can say to yourself that he is right by his own way of thinking and learned values, but that he isn't necessarily right by truth and fact? So what's the quickest way to end that argument? By saying to him, "yes, you're right, perhaps it is. But tonight I'm really, really tired and if you would help me by doing the dishes I would so appreciate it." It doesn't matter that in your mind you know his beliefs are wrong, or ignorant, because–in truth–you have won. The battle has ended. He felt understood and heard and no longer felt the need to shout or bully. And you got the dishes done! Who was the winner here? You were. Who was the loser? He was. "The true and nobel way to kill a foe is not to kill him. You, with kindness, may so change him, that he shall cease to be so, and then he's slain." ––Alain "We shall find peace. We shall hear the Angels, we shall see the sky sparkling with diamonds."~~Anton Chekhov So what do we do now? First we find and identify what issues, what Angels, your Lost Mate soothes. Read the list below. For each issue that causes you pain, or hurt, at the thought of losing your mate, or after the actual loss of your mate, circle it. These are the Angels that your relationship quiets, that your Lost Mate soothes in you. These are the issues that resurface in you at the thought of a breakup, which are causing you a false sense of need, and that which are now causing you pain and delaying your ability to let go of the need. IMPORTANT: 'Resurface' is the key word here. If you feel an issue now, such as "devastated", but that you didn't feel before you got into the relationship, than that is more just an issue caused by the grief of the trying times you have been through lately, and less likely an issue that you have been carrying around with you. unlovable isolated unacceptable defective frigid weak immature helpless needy foolish clingy rejected not wanted haven't any friends not needed no future not worth loving uptight worthless socially detached no good disorganized wimpy abandoned cowardly lonely discounted irresponsible unstable, neurotic, screwed up just like your parents left out unreliable shut out lazy self-centered inconsiderate selfish not good enough, less than afraid don't measure up humiliated not enough criticized not good enough to be loved put down have no value, a nobody judged inadequate losing face violated useless weak incapable,can't cut it out of control wrong stupid, dumb incompetent something is wrong with you unsuccessful can't do anything right unfeminine / unmasculine inferior insignificant despairing a nothing vulnerable unimportant devastated don't count disappointed don't matter insecure off balance, incomplete a loser ugly a failure dishonest bad wrong evil heartless fat a slut insufficient For each issue you have circled try to understand it, as the wife did with the husband who thought it was a woman's job to do the dishes. Don't argue with the Angel, remember those fearful, loving Angels are loud, they are looking out for you at all costs–even your own. But you can hush their screams with the intent to learn where they are coming from. And you can win by agreeing with your Angel. It doesn't matter whether, or not, your Angel is right (remember who won the argument about the dishes?). Just by trying to understand where she is coming from, what motivates her fear, and by agreeing that your Angel is right, in her own way–her learned belief–you win the battle! See, you don't need your Lost Mate to fight your Angel. You have the power within you to fight this scared, child-like, well-meaning Angel. You are smarter and more cunning–you can outsmart the Angel all by yourself! All it takes is the intent to learn her reasons and her fears, and the ability to agree with her–validate that she is right.

read my first response to you in this thread.....and then read it again.....and again......and again...... she will contact you......dont worrry about that.....you are NOT in the right frame of mind now......you can only fake it for so long.....the neediness will come out if you dont get rid of it.....and then she will be gone again....right now....she needs to figure out for herself when SHE wants to see you next......dont GAMBLE with your relationship/reconciliation!!!.....if you contact her.....that is what you are going to be doing......let her contact you.....and you can respond accordingly..... good luck I am on day 23 of 60...for no contact.......and if she contacts me before....i may even ignore it the first time......depending on what she has to say.....these games suck, but are necessary to "get them back"......only after you get them back......can you begin to work on the relationship issues between you.....in the meantime.....work on yourself!!!!

link removed

Pride causes us to try to convince our partners that they are 'wrong', that our way is 'right'. We do this by imposing our beliefs, our thoughts, our wants on them. We try threatening, pouting, coercing, reasoning, begging, pleading, demanding, being sad, being angry - any way we can to get them to see our way. And you know what is happening at the same time? They are doing it, too. They want you to see their way, too - just as much as you want them to see your way! They are using just as many tactics, also: ignoring you, trying to rationalize and reason, being cruel, being obstinate, displaying ignorance, being stubborn, mean, and purposeful. The more each tries to impose their beliefs on the other, the more each is hurt that the other doesn't come around to their way of thinking. You have two opposing sides, and that makes for a no-win situation. And, unfortunately, they are holding the better weapons, because they feel they have nothing to lose! They don't have to give in to you. However, you have to give in to them, because you have no other choice! One way, or another, you are going to lose the fight and give into them - so you might as well be the loser that walks away with your Lost Mate safely back on your side, then the one who walks away with nothing, right? Your pride is keeping you in the fight, and their pride, too, is keeping them in the fight. You have to find a way to get them back on your side, without stripping them of their pride. Plain and simple, in order to win - you have to lose. In order to stop the fight - you have to concede. In order to take victory over your own life - you have to raise the white flag and surrender. That's how you win, by losing.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!! I am sooooo happy for you!!! you played it perfectly........now DO NOT CONTACT her!!!!!!! Continue with the no contact.......she will contact you.....I PROMISE!....it may not be when you want her to, or it may take her longer than you think, but her curiosity will give in sooner or later and then you have to continue to play it the same way!!!! Happy!!.......do not show her a whiff of neediness or she is GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!! continue with the no contact, and work on yourself knowing that she is yours for the taking in the future if you play your cards right! I give you a decent shot at getting another shot.....but only if you play it cool......once you get her back.....then you can do what is needed to be done....but if there is no relationship to salvage, then you have put all this emotional energy in for nothing........DONT GIVE UP!!! Be strong!! You can do it!!

michael2.....the fact of the matter is...that i have actually looked for "your" posts in the last few weeks to help "me".......the insights i have mentioned have been found through reading a few books i have purchased and the advice of a really good friend.......i in am no way in a "healed" state for my own situation.....i still have trouble getting through some days....but each day is gettting easier and i am finding ways to get my mind off of things.....as far as your situation.....i am unsure......i dont even know if my ex has or has not dated or is seeing someone.......i am sorry i cant help more....

you will hurt you chances by contacting her........she needs time to figure her head out.....right now she is in a confused/fuzzy state of mind.....and by contacting her, that makes it more hectic for her.......the time and no contact rule can help her sort things out.....you dont need to bump into her.....the fact that you are not contacting her alone will give a perceived image to her that you have changed, and when she does contact you, then show her the new you that you have been working on!....I believe then, and only then you may have a shot.....but you have to play it cool......impatience is your enemy