blackswan

Hi there, I started this job hoping to transfer to another position that I was under experienced. A year ago, I applied for the position & was turned down due to experience (excuses). I was highly disappointed in the management. Sometime ago my manager approached me for the position, went through some harsh discussions & eventually it was offered. I wasn't too excited because I was worn out from the wait & lost faith in them. After all that, my team leader was stressed because the team is under staffed & he cannot afford less. He told me the transition may have to wait & went around talking to managers to postpone it. I told him I wouldn't prefer any later than end of year but it is now decided on next May. After 3.5 years on the same job, it seems I've only got two choices: quit or stay. My concerns are: I don't want to stress or displease my team leader because he helped me in getting the transition. The team's been hiring unsuccessfully & workload's high. Quitting now would make me feel guilty & make him think I'm irresponsible. They've already offered me the new position, quitting now might give them bad impression & think that I'm not dedicated. I'm worried that it's harder to find a new job without a current job & it's taking forever to find the right job. Most importantly, I'm sick of my current job, feeling it's wasting my time & really want to move on. I feel maybe I should talk to my team leader again, how should I do it? If I'm to leave, what's the best way for me to leave on a good term?

I agree with the above, don't even go there if you don't have a permission. Who knows whether the relationship will work out, and you might upset a friend. You might ask, "why do I have to oblige to my friend, it's my happiness here, what if he says no". I say.. if you take him as a friend, you care for his feelings. I was unlucky, the guy that I went out with start chasing after our mutual friend after we broke-up. I was upset, they both reckon they were only friends and thought I was giving them hassle. They are now a couple, I no longer talk to them and I see them at work.

In your case, even if you try to separate them, they can still get together without you. You won't know what to look out for. Are you ok to hang out with either one still? I don't talk to M & never will. I can't talk to F without flashbacks so I don't talk to her either. She doesn't know what he told me, reckon he's only being a good friend to her & there's nothing in between. I don't suspect there's something in between but telling her what he said only made me seem like a bad person trying to break-up their friendship. I'm walking out just because they are too close, hence if sex is involved I'll be more determined.

Hello Cybercrone, I thought about what you said for a long time. Finally I've decided I'll find a new job. It's been very unhappy at work, certainly my situation won't get me the promotion I wanted. Although it's a great pity to leave a good environment, it's not where I wanna be the rest of my life. I'm going to get out there & find new opportunities 8) . I've just broke up with a colleague-friend who's friendly to the guy & whom the guy was saying he'll go after next. I don't wanna see what they are up to. I think given two people making me miserable, there's no reason to stay.

Hello all, I just like some opinion. I went out with a male colleague M, didn't work but we remained friends. F was a new colleague. I took it up to introduced her colleagues & friends including M. Even asked M to take care of F while I was away. We all became good friends. M asked F out when he couldn't get hold of me, I thought it was just being friends. Things got ugly with M that we did not speak. M confided his sadness to F. I didn't wanna put my problem on others so I didn't tell F much. occasionally F would tell me M's life & my life to M. It made me uncomfortable. By chance I found out from F that M invited her to a party. I told her I'm feeling difficult & she felt angry because she reckon she's wrongly accused. She insisted they were just normal friends & went to the party. I talked to M. M said F is nicer because she never let him down. I got really angry & sad. M still liked me & tried to get me back. At the same time I felt he cares about F. I tried to be as nice as before & maintained friendship with F, yet deep down I felt my trust in her was shaken. F was away. During this time my relationship with M got horrible. He told me he was after F because he thought F likes him & he just wanted care. He even told me that he tries every female around & will go after F. We split. F returned & said she doesn't wanna know or get involved. Due to some misunderstanding, we got distant. M was approachful to F. F reckon M's a nice person & had been very good to her, she sees no reason to ignore him. She also said she got a boyfriend at home. There were many contradictions in what she said & did. We stopped talking. Work end of year party came & I saw them together all night into the after-party. I felt bad. She told me she wasn't allocated seat & had no choice. I didn't find it persuasive because she didn't have to be like his partner all night. Today I saw them leaving work together & had enough. I told her to let it be, I want a break. She said angrily I always ask others to care about my feelings but that I don't care about others' feelings. She insisted they were very normal friend. I know when she's angry she can say hurtful things. However now it's making me think whether I'm really inconsiderate of others' feelings. I think she wants to be friend but she doesn't know how. She's been doing things which I thought incosiderate, breaking trust & lacking care. I already decided if M kept approaching F & F accepts the approach, I can no longer be good friend or even friend with her.

Thanks cybercrone for the advise. I've thought of quitting the job ever since. However having lost myself, a friend & got hurt so badly, I don't want to have to lose the job too. Besides, the company pays for counselling for those who need it & saved me hundreds of dollars so far. Quitting the job might put me in a worse situation.

I believe everyone should be able to walk where they want & not having to worry about being attacked. A woman would get raped, a man probably get bashed. It's the fault of the person committing the crime, not the person that happens to be at the wrong place. I got sex violated just because I felt sorry & couldn't leave the sad friend out on his own hence invited him home & hoped to calm him down. I don't believe that it was my fault, otherwise does it mean that to be safe I shall never stay at a guy's place alone & never invite a guy home alone. Friends should be able to trust each other just as people should respect each other.

I believe everyone should be able to walk where they want & not having to worry about being attacked. A woman would get raped, a man probably get bashed. It's the fault of the person committing the crime, not the person that happens to be at the wrong place. I got sex violated just because I felt sorry & couldn't leave the sad friend out on his own hence invited him home & hoped to calm him down. I don't believe that it was my fault, otherwise does it mean that to be safe I shall never stay at a guy's place alone & never invite a guy home alone. Friends should be able to trust each other just as people should respect each other.

Over the years I've come to realise I've had many repressed memories on family separation & sexual violation. I found that the best thing to do is to be brave & talk to a therapist. It's a timely process but the therapist will help you uncover the memories slowly. What I found most important is not to feel bad about myself, not to be scared of the memory & remember that it's not my fault. I've just ended a sexual violated relationship half a year ago & found that I'm repressing my emotions. Worst of all, the person is my colleague that I'm still facing daily. That explains why my emotions had been repressed because I'm still scared & avoiding. I'm slowly fighting the anger off with my therapist. Hope you find what you are looking for & good luck.

Some people are just not worth forgiving. Some things just have to walk out for you to continue your life. It's theirs & not your problem, put it on yourself will only make your life harder. Try to be happy & don't worry about forgiving, time will resolve it all. I understand it's a sad thing & you are probably grieving over it. I was & still am in the same situation. I chose to walk pass them when I see them talk secrets. I go talk to those who can make me happy even though it's less time but it's true happiness. After all people stick to their own kind & I don't treasure a friend who told me it's better to be selfish. I've been told I'm so unselfish & I like it this way. I have friends who come to care for me. I also take it in my hands who I want to care. Good luck

Thank you for your help. I was feeling distant to B hence gave the political correct answer: it's your trip, invite who you like. Not really how I feel but I feared loss of another friend. Another friend (J) told me.. it's not right to ask somebody else not to invite another friend if s/he so want to. She warned me that if I do that, next time B probably won't invite me if he wants G's company. I was seeking a listener rather than an adviser. She turn out not the best adviser for me. Things between me & G wouldn't have been that bad if she had been more caring & understanding. I've realised that she was absent when I needed help most & told her I seeked counselling. When I asked her about our distancing which perhaps I shouldn't have asked, she said she felt I've not been a true friend to her. An accusation & blame that I don't feel I should take. I know I've been a good person & friend, help her seek accommodation, drive her around, invite her to dinners & trips to meet people. Just because I email & approach her less than B & D makes me unfriendly is ridiculous. I don't think I can trust G anymore. In finding this website I realise there are many people like me, sexually violated but could not talk about it until it haunt them later in life. Already I'm feeling better & have the courage to fight it off 8).

I have a friend (B - guy) is organising a X'mas trip. He asked me in a separate email if I mind friend (G - girl) going because if I feel uncomfortable, he won't invite her. G is a colleague-friend that I introduced to B. I had been close to both. However because of some complex unresolved issues involving my relationship with another colleague-friend (D - guy), G & I haven't been talking. I felt I've tried to talk to G & hoped she would be more understanding at least to show me her care, but she seems to be distancing & difficult to talk to. D & I were in a relationship which I end up feeling used & abused, insulted & threatened. I was in psychological damaged state that was emotional, low-confidence, avoiding & lost. I couldn't face friends happy hence staying away to keep it to myself. I said things wrong or unsensible & had been seeing therapist. Partly because of my condition & partyly because D was trying to be good friend to G (too much in my opinion) that it made me feel uncomfortable around G, hence argument. B & I also had a problem that he reckon I asked him too many questions regarding his life with D & G. Hence I decided not to talk about them to him again. Now that he asked me this question, I don't know whether to be honest (I'm uncomfortable with G & I feel G should put in the energy to bring friendship back because I already tried) or modest (it's your trip, invite who you like). Often I wonder what I've done wrong to have cause problem with these friends.. I had been mentally abused, physically raped; I thought it should be understandable why I can't allow an abuser in my life or even around my close friends. I've been told it's immature by a friend, but I just can't help feeling this way. I need advice..