catfeeder

If a BF ever said this to me, he'd be history.

I agree with your father--stop trying to mediate. It makes wife furious with you, and it rewards your mother for bad behavior by giving her your attention for it. Even negative attention is attention, and parents can be as manipulative as children--only they're better at it. Figure out ways to bribe wife for cooperating, and one of those bribes can be an agreement to fewer visits or for shorter periods of time--or both. When wife vents, listen and don't try to correct her. You'll get far less resistance if wife feels understood and backed up by you instead of being told she's over-reacting. Tell her how proud you are of her for raising your children to have a good relationship with ALL of their grandparents, and learn from wife what she wants to make this easier on her.

It's not like jumping into a car and being there in 45. You've got airport ticketing and security and waiting...and waiting. In a pandemic. Add that to conflicting schedules, and sure--ya might be able to pull off meeting somewhere--once. But then where does this thing go? A major part of getting to know someone is learning how well that person will integrate into your life and you into theirs. Real life--not an occasional vacation bubble romance where the outside world stops and you're able to enjoy ideal conditions for a week or so. And those conditions tend to prematurely sexualize things long before you'd have actually been ready under real life conditions. Which can blind you to important things. Compatibility is about real people synching in simpatico in real life. Texting, Zooming, FaceTiming--those are not dating. LDR's build fantasies, and while those can be fun, they're also the perfect way to sink yourself when real life can't live up to what you've created in your own head.

Uhm, no. There was never anything 'realistic' about building fantasies with a total stranger online 'around' taking a plane for a date. How would you safely do that, anyway? Even if you pulled it off, what would your dating life be like after that? You can't truly 'get to KNOW' someone without meeting, and you can't date that person without meeting regularly. So keep it local, meet right away instead of digital fantasy-building, and grasp that most people are NOT our match. True simpatico is a needle-in-a-haystack pursuit, and that's true for everyone. Set up quick meets to check one another out and learn whether there's even any chemistry.

My first approach would be to keep it light and tell BF that I'm wearing why hair in public as I like, but he's welcome to buy me any kind of wig he'd enjoy in the bedroom. If he's still a jerk about that, he's not likely to last long in my world. Head high, honey, and enjOy your new cut.

We can pretzel ourselves to view relationships through a different lens, but it all boils down to this: either someone makes a good match for us, or they don't. Sure, it's heartbreaking to want more from someone than their limits allow. This doesn't make either of you a villain. It just means that you want more and deserve more, and he's not willing or capable of giving it. So? Liberate yourself. Nobody is 'wrong' here, you're just wrong for one another. Trust that the right person for you will view you through the right lens, he will 'get you,' and you'll enjoy the kind of simpatico that won't have you questioning whether this is the RIGHT match for you. Until you meet that person, don't compromise your standards. It will NOT be most people. This is a needle-in-the-haystack pursuit, but if you keep wasting your time on bad matches, you'll reduce your chances of ever finding your RIGHT match. Head high, be resilient and brave, and be patient. This guy is NOT your ONE.

The problem with breaking up with someone with hope that it will prompt a change is a Hail Mary, because if a change was within the will of that person, it would have come about voluntarily. So trace this back to the thing that caused you pain. He's telling you that he's NOT willing to change that. He never was willing to change that, so here you are. You didn't lose him because you broke up--he was gone already. So now you get to decide how much this breakup 'must' ruin your healing power. Deciding that you are broken by him is not going to win him back. Make a better choice, and make it your goal to prove your resilience to yourself and become proud of that. Head high. We all learn from living--or not. That's a choice too.

Well, what does that tell you? You're NOT happy, so... ...at the very least, separate.

This is where I would have stopped dating him. In my book, dating is for getting to know someone as a human being first, and then learning from there where I stand with him--and where I WANT to stand with him. Reconsider sleeping first, asking questions later. Reverse that, and only sleep with someone who you get to know long enough and well enough to feel GOOD about, and who is willing to date you without pressuring you for sex. Allow bad matches to pass early.

That's threatening, and I'd be so outta there. You don't need to be physically abused to use the prevention services of domestic violence counselors to help you leave safely. Some options: Contact your local hospital's social services for a referral to a counselor from a women's shelter or violence prevention agency. Contact that referral to make a safe plan for getting away from this guy safely. Or, call 800.799.7233 ( https://www.thehotline.org ) to reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline. They can help you make a plan and connect you to local resources.

I'd tell sister that pressure from her only makes me want to resist more, not less, and she's welcome to speak with you about anything else in the world, but this topic is off limits. Rinse, repeat as necessary unless you feel a need to shut her down, too. Then stop taking her calls until she agrees via text to respect your limits.

Yep. Pandemic or no pandemic, you can't have a reasonable dating relationship with anyone who doesn't live within a reasonable dating radius. I'd screen out anyone long distance--that's not practical--or safe. THINK: How would you go about meeting a perfect stranger to check one another out? If it can't be over a quick cup of coffee in a safe public place where your friends and family know where you'll be, and you can't arrive separately and leave separately, then it's not a safe deal. Meeting a total stranger in a hotel, his home or yours, or anywhere that you'll need to get into a car with him is often how people disappear. Don't do it.

I'd tell husband that I'm going camping on X mountain, and he's welcome to join me--or not, his choice. But if he wants in, it's your trip and your rules. He would need to agree up front to them. If he opts out, you're golden. If he wants to join you, tell him that he can't change your plans or manage any aspect of your trip. He'll need to meet you there or follow you so that he can leave at any time rather than complain, as you intend to be loud and goofy at any time. If this offends him, I'd go on the trip and let him get over it. If this 'causes' a marriage problem, then the trip is not the real problem. The problem already exists, and your inability to take a trip OR enjoy his company on a trip is only a symptom.

I agree with this in terms of doing HIS stuff for him. If you lived alone, you'd need to fix your own meals, do your own laundry and clean to the degree that you want your place clean. So yes, I'd go on strike against serving or servicing HIM, but the bigger choice I'd make is whether or not I love the guy enough to continue living with him.

Lying is a strong accusation, which is why so many of us believed from your post that you felt mistrustful enough to speak of being used. So whatever the guy has said or done to make you feel used is kind of irrelevant. You don't feel that he's trustworthy, and that's all you need to know. If I don't feel mutual trust and love, then the relationship isn't good enough for me. I don't need to build a case for whether a guy is a liar or not, I'm just out The only excuse I need to give for leaving is that this isn't working for me. Boom! Done. Onto finding a better match.

Is it really about the chair?

Your lines are seriously blurred. Decide how much your job and career mean to you. If not much, then go find another job until you find the right fit. Be friendly with coworkers, but don't make them your social life. Keep that outside of work, and you won't need to seek attention from anyone on the job. You'll be too busy doing your work, and you'll be happy enough with work friends that don't impose an agenda--and you won't impose an agenda on any of them, either. Head high

Your parents are manipulative, and your GF sounds healthy enough to dump you if you ditch her in favor of such a ridiculous 'assignment'. I'd tell parents that they can either accept my financial contribution toward the issue without lodging insults, OR they can skip my help at all--and those are their options. Period. The only way to gain respect from disrespectful people is to enforce terms that are acceptable to you OR zero. You can do it kindly, but stand your ground on it. It's your call. Think it through.

I loved this whole post, I'd just restate this as 'recognizing' your value. There's no reasons for any of us to try to raise value that already exists.

Ah! Owning the word 'spinster,' sister? You warm my heart. Your story is inspiring, and I can appreciate the care you've used to frame it as one of growth rather than victimization. One of my friends and I have an ongoing debate on using the word 'betrayal' to describe the lens through which we view disloyalty. While I feel liberated by dropping the word from my private story, she holds the word firmly and even sneers while using it. My goal is to not only mitigate damage to myself but actually reverse it into a triumph in lessons learned. I feel more confident in my future and my own judgment when, rather than viewing myself as happlessly betrayed by someone I trusted, I can instead recognize the instances where I opted to ignore the flashing neon signs of another's limits or their standards of loyalty not living up to mine along the way. This isn't about blame. It's about learning. I don't claim that there are no villains in the world. I just accept that it took t.i.m.e. for me to learn what I must do with the dissonance when someone's decisions or behaviors didn't match up with MY internal agenda FOR them. Of course, I wish that I could have acted in my own best interests sooner rather than later, BUT! I'd rather credit myself for acting--at all--and move my focus forward and upward. it sounds to me as though you've made the same decision. Head high, and congrAts!

Trust and peace is maintained by couples who communicate well enough to establish a matched definition of loyalty and consistently enough to reaffirm that loyalty. So what are wife's responses to your conversations about this desire?

Very happy to hear you're embracing your healing, Roxiee. You can use this forum as a sounding board whenever you want to share some thoughts or ask a question. Remember that whenever you fall on times when you're not feeling great, it doesn't mean that you're backsliding. It may mean that you're actually making more progress. Nothing can take away the progress you make. Some things need to feel lousy before it can feel better. I like to think of washing a surface--we stir up stuff and make a mess before we can rinse it away. Head high, and congrats on your wonderful choice!

Unless you're under the age of consent, it makes no sense to describe your situation as something he's doing TO you. Why would you say, "I'm relationship material..." and then hook up with someone who is rebounding from a breakup and doesn't want a relationship? Allow bad matches to pass early, and go meet the next one. Nobody is looking out for our best interests but us. So raise your standards and don't mess around with anyone who doesn't meet them.

I agree. This is not someone who requires your help. This is someone who withheld warning about Covid and who prevents you from communicating with your siblings. Think about how she's able to manipulate you into spending hours on the phone--and you'd want to go see this person IN person? Honey, the woman made you suicidal and already has you contemplating self harm. Stay away, and get thee to a therapist quickly. Phone a hotline, and ask for an emergency referral. You will thank yourself later. And if you do opt to take this woman's call, start off saying, "Hi, I have about 15 minutes. How are you?" When she drops battery acid on you for limiting your time, simply ask if she'd prefer tomorrow instead. But understand, with each convo, you are getting sucked in--and for no good reason. I'd speak with a therapist for help, and I'd silence my phone.

Why not ask her which she'd prefer? If she'd prefer divorce, it makes no sense to waste your time and money on counseling.