Robbie2030

My wife and I have been married over 10 years. We are facing a difficult decision about whether to move house to get our child (who has learning differences) into our preferred school. If we do it will mean selling a home we have recently renovated and probably renting somewhere a lot less nice for a while before buying a new place. This is against a backdrop of our relationship being in bad shape. We argue a lot (and have done for a while as per my earlier posts about in-laws, but that is not the only issue). We just don’t seem to be able to communicate and cooperate. I feel like she is always judging, attacking and criticising me, she feels like she’s not and I’m being defensive and not hearing her and not empathising with her situation. She says I am gaslighting her when I tell her I feel attacked and criticised. We have seen a therapist for a while but it didn’t really help and we stopped. We’ve not had sex for well over a year (which honestly I am quite resentful about), we sleep separately and every argument now seems to turn into an angry and circular battle ending in a discussion of divorce. She is more in favour of it than me, I still feel that it’s worth staying together for the kids if not for ourselves. We have 2 kids under 10 that we adore and want to do the best for. But that said I’m aware that we won’t live forever and we both deserve to be happy. We do still care for each other and want each other to be happy. We are wondering whether we should sell the house and rent, with a view to buying a new one together, or if she should keep the nice house that the kids love and I should just move out and rent an apartment in the school catchment and then we share custody of the kids and start getting a divorce. The other option is to move to where her parents live which also has a good school. I feel like maybe she would be happier there and it might improve our marriage. But it’s a big move overseas and I know it will be a one way ticket for her and the kids and it’s quite likely we will still end up divorcing over there. Any suggestions?

We were lucky as kids that we lived near my grandma so there was no need to travel to see her. That meant we could take more family holidays. I would be OK to reduce the time I see my parents so we could have more time to take a family vacation. But I doubt my wife would reduce the time she sees hers. They are further away than mine and she really values those trips. So it would likely just be my parents we see less.

Who says we don’t though? I adore my mom she will be 76 in 2 months and my step dad was the best thing that ever happened to me. I adored him and he adored me. He just died in Nov. He was 2 weeks from being 82. My husband idolized his dad. He died in July. He was almost 90 years old . My in-laws hated me and I didn’t much like them either. I can stomach my MIL more now because she is too elderly to get into it with me, she is 87. So I know how your wife feels and like you my husband used to back his dad and it caused us untold grief and heartache and damaged our marriage some . But who is finishing out life with him ? Oh yeah, ME. Don’t think I value my mom and or my step dad less because I can put a boundary where it belongs. My mom raised me to go get my own life. And my bio dad well if you could’ve raised yourself and been the hell out of the house by eight years old that would have thrilled him to no end. I am not sure what you are calling old. I am 55 and my son is 24. What I am telling you is you need to value the family you made. That doesn’t mean you are abandoning your family of origin. You are short changing your wife and short changing your children if you don’t do so. You can’t serve two masters. They are I their 80s but I see your point and it would be nice to have a family holiday w/o any in-laws. That said it’s not only me who is pushing to see their parents, we saw hers 3 weeks last summer, that was our whole annual vacation and no complaints from me. I was happy they got to see the kids. So why does she block me seeing mine, even though I am fine to take the kids without her if she doesn’t want to come?

To be fair we have basically done that due to COVID. Saw neither side in 2020 but hers in 2021 for 3 weeks and mine for 2 weekends. I have to say I’m pretty shocked at so many people basically saying “don’t bother seeing either set of ILs for a while”. Both sets are getting old quickly and the kids grow up quickly. Both my wife and I have respect for our parents and the sacrifices they made for us. That’s something we have in common.

Some pretty strongly differing opinions here. I would have thought a compromise where I see them with the kids 50% and my wife joins us 50% would be Ok. But any discussion of it just leads to an argument. A big problem is that my wife is resentful that we live nearer my parents then hers though we do not honestly live very near either set. I would be OK to move to be closer to hers but I am resentful that that would mean she has the chance to see them all the time while during the time we have been ‘close’ to mine I have only seen them 4x a year and every time is a battle. Also hers live overseas and I would be concerned that if we ever got divorced she would not allow me to take the kids to see my parents ever.

Isn’t that a bit harsh? Is it wrong for me to want my parents to see my kids? And of course we have had family holidays w/o any grandparents but it’s not easy as we see my wife’s parents 3 weeks a year and try to see mine 4 weekends as I mentioned. I get that my mom is difficult but I am not prepared to say to her and my dad that they won’t see their grandkids even 4x a year. After they spent 18 years of their lives raising me and a lot of that looking after their elderly parents too, I would feel that is very disrespectful.

Thanks for everyone’s advice. To clarify we don’t stay with my parents 4x a year. It’s a mix of going to a hotel/rental house together or them coming to us and staying in a nearby hotel and us going to stay with them maybe 1x or 2x a year. I have offered to take the kids without my wife. But my wife always refuses on the grounds that the kids should not go on a trip without her (even though she does not enjoy seeing my parents). Also, I am wondering how come you can all see my (very similar) post from 2017 but I cant access it thru my profile. The only post I see on my profile is my one from today. Thanks!

That’s what I suggested last time. But my wife was furious that I would suggest going on a holiday without her.

I’m a man, married for 8 years. 2 kids. We live short flight from my parents and a long flight from my wife’s. My wife increasingly hates my mom and I don’t know what to do about it. We see my wife’s parents 2x a year for a week or two. We see mine 4x a year for 4-5 days. Every visit with my parents is a stress as my wife withdraws to her room, takes offence at everything my mom says and afterwards tells me how awful my mom is. My mom for her part is quite a domineering character and I do get why my wife finds it hard at times but I also feel my wife looks to take offence where none was intended and blows small things up into big ones. I try to tell my mom not to give advice etc but she just won’t listen to me and keeps on directly messaging my wife saying she is just being friendly. She even sends messages saying that I have told her not to! It’s led me to have many arguments with my mom and dad because my mom refuses to stop trying to communicate directly with my wife and my dad thinks I should just leave them both to sort it out. It’s now got that any time I suggest that I’d like to see my parents it’s just a massive row and we both basically want a divorce. It makes me so sad as (despite her being quite a difficult person) I love my mom and want my kids to see her and my dad while they are still with us. I never have any problem with my wife’s parents. I travel to see them whenever we can and it’s basically our only annual vacation. But that’s fine because it’s also important to me that our kids see them. My wife complains that I don’t take her side. But I do constantly tell my mom to leave her alone and stop giving her advice. I just also feel that my wife could try to tune it out a bit more and stop taking offence so easily. I say that she gets super angry at me. Overall I just feel they both don’t care about the impact this is having on me and that makes me very sad as they are both supposed to love me. Any advice?