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mike_chppr

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  1. mike_chppr
    Dako, we have been the same way. fairly friendly. I'm just the one who has outbursts one way or the other. I'm tempted to do a houshold inventory all the way down to the 7 corn cob holder thingies. and then play from that list. You are right, I don't want the lamp that was the first time she turned on the lights when we made love. I don't want to fight. but I don't want to cower either. I'm moving from a 3,000 square foot house to an 800 square foot apartment. The other thing. We bought our house 18 months ago. The apreciation is basically a negative after the work we have put into it, new floors new paint, new cabnets. And also the market has declined for example, if we bought for 350,000 we would need to sell for 370,000 to break even with closing costs and real estate agent fees. This still doesn't include the money we put into upgrades. We are on a 30 year fixed loan rate so we pay a higher amount. A lender will aprove to reduce our monthly payment from 2300 a month to 1100 a month. So do we refinance until the market improves. She is now saying she wants to move out of the area within a year from today's date. I am getting an apartment. I'm reserving it right now to sign the lease later this week. We cannot afford 2300/mo plus the rent on my apartment and her income can't pay for the house on her own. She could get roomates, but it is hard in the dead of winter to find people to move. If we refinance we could manage the house until we can sell it next spring maybe. We have to do a 6 month separation according to VA law. So I need to get into the apartment as soon as I can. Which is Dec 22nd. I knew I shouldn't have gotten a house. Word to the wise, if you feel your marriage is a little bit on the rocks, dont buy a house!
  2. mike_chppr
    The finances, or the stuff? Because if we split the stuff according to what is hers and what is mine then it will be about 85/15. So if you equate that into the finances then 50/50 isn't appropriate. So if she gets the $6,000 custom made couch that was delivered this week, what should I get, 3,000 in finances or 6,000 in finances as I will not have future use of said couch. Also her parents gave "us" a new car while I was in Iraq. I think that could be argued as a gift to her even though we traded in the fair value of the other car that they had given us previously. I am driving the car she origionally brought into the marriage. So I'm driving a '95 Jeep and she is driving a 2005 jeep. This is friggin maddening if that is even a word.
  3. mike_chppr
    I tried to research others posts, but I can't seem to drill down on an answer. (We have no children) My wife wants a divorce. I told her today that I didn't, but I'm going along with what she wants. I'm torn between two extreems. Cower in the corner: let her take almost everything. OR VINDICTIVE IN HER FACE: 50/50 even split! Two problems. I make almost twice the amount of money that she does. I have college loans she doesn't so that buffers my income a bit. Her parents have given us almost everything like the bedroom furniture, entertainment center, cars. She is trying to use the concept of all that her family has given to us is really a "gift" to her. True in a sense, but not really. I don't know what I really have tangibly in this marriage that is mine. I could say ohh I want this or that. But in reality most of the stuff that we have purchased has been for her. Like the $6,000 couch or the $900 kitchen table. or her new wardrobe from loosing all the weight that she did. As frugal as I am I could buy all that back in a few months. BUT, where are the gives and takes. She wants to split the bank accounts down the middle. Sell the house. The thing is. Her parents will take care of her. I'm getting a big bruisin here. I don't want to go the legal route, and she doesn't understand why we just can't figure out what is fair amoungst ourselves. The reason is because I switch from VINDICTIVE to a coward. I'm asking for mediation. I'm getting the dog, which in some sense is huge, but how do you put a value on that. We paid $50 for him, but he is worth $500,000 to me and my mental sanity. But if I just take the dog and split the account 50/50 that isn't healthy for my mental sanity either. I'm hurting and emotional and when I'm this way I tend to make very very poor decisions. I want to talk with her about it, but I get the cross armed "what response are you looking for?" or "I don't know how to respond to that!" My Anxiety is through the roof and I'm just peeking out of a deep depression that I've been struggling through the last few weeks. I found a church today that I am going to attend, it is about an hour from where we currently live, but will be about 20 to 30 minutes from the apartment I just reserved. I don't really feel like I can get involved until I at least move out. Her dad called me today and they are praying that we work this out. He wanted to hear my side of the story, and I fessed up to where and when things have gone afoul in our marriage, my part mostly, but also her part. We are going to see them for Christmas, but I'm taking possession of the apartment before then. She really wants out and to her there isn't even an inkling of a possibility that this can work out. She can't TRUST me. I've LIED to her. She doesn't KNOW me and she has never KNOWN me! sting, Sting, StinG, STING!
  4. mike_chppr
    I'm aware that I have baggage, it is just that literally all of my friends are "our" friends. It is awkward, because I have to be careful about what I tell them and not divulge the private life of my wife. I really owe her some repect and privacy to her personal decisions. It really sucks that my friend network has a networked correlation of 1 to her. This is why I just need to move. We talked about this today. We have 4 options. She stays and gets roomates, I stay and get roomates, We sell the house in a dragging market, we both move and find renters. Either way both of our lives are at a standstill. It is partly determinent on our dog qualifying to be an emotional support service animal. I'm talking with the Doctor about it on Wednesday. I have read up on it and my coworkers and my wife thinks I qualify. When I left for Iraq, my wife thinks I missed the dog more than her. The scary thing is she may be right if not them being equally missed. Control is relative, my brain is swimming and I am seemingly lacking control on what I have said and am saying to people. For example I have said some things about my wife's personal life to my mother, who told my brother who told his wife who called my wife to figure out what was going on. My wife called to ask me about it and I can't be honest with how many people I have told. She asked some probing questions to some friends of ours and luckily they didn't know about it, but both of us were 98% sure that I had said something. My brain is a sloshing soup right now. And the hurt and pain aren't making things any better.
  5. mike_chppr
    Thanks, I'll look her up. I know it isn't sitting at home. I kind of wish we can just sell our house quickly so we can move on. We have decided that we are going to split the cell phone bill, she pays one month I pay the next. We have to cancel our gym membership together. We just signed up in October. The 1 year rule is probably the best. There is a part of me that wants to crawl out and be a "man- * * * * *" but I don't think that would be practical or healthy. I'm dying inside. I'm so hurt. With my commute it is next to impossible to doing other things during the week. It is hard to wake up. Going to work this morning was next to impossible. I didn't shave, shower or brush my teeth, I just put on clothes and went. I feel like I can't even start on my work, my mind is so consumed. I burst into tears in a moments notice and I feel like a total looser. Yea, there is too much pressure on the word "date" I really need to develop my social networks. But I feel like I cannot start until we are at least separated. I wish I could just snap out of this slump, but I think everyone arounds me realizes this is going to be me for a while. I have no idea what to say to the people around me, but I really want to talk to someone and not feel all alone.
  6. mike_chppr
    I'm trying. My wife made me get out of bed and go to work this morning. She still cares about me. I'm so depressed and just feel so listless. I switched my wedding ring to the other finger this weekend. I go into tears thinking about what that means. I see a counselor tomorrow at the VA. I also have a meeting with the psychotherapist to review my meds. Thanks for the link. Out here, Mike
  7. mike_chppr
    Yea, I kind of have the 25 to 50 percent rule.... i.e. it is going to take 25 to 50 percent of the time you were together to really be able to move on. So since we have been together actually 9 years friends/dating/engaged/married, I'm probably looking at a three year hiatus. I think the most important thing right now is to get everything moved, find new places and kind of go NC. We still are going to share our dog which I'm really anxious about how this is going to work with me moving into an apartment. Most apartments in the area don't allow dogs. My wife says I should get papers regarding him being a service dog. As we origionally got him to help with my depression. I just don't know how that works and I'm terrified that I cannot qualify. I'm just trying to cope, and all these things are really overwhelming.
  8. mike_chppr
    OK, my wife is going to help me put up a page on Myspace and write my personal add. She is also willing to take pictures with me so I have a hot chick by my side smiling in the pictures. This kind of shows others what league of woman I'm capable of handling (just incapable of maintaining). I told her about doing the massage thing and some of the other stuff and she is supportive, but we both agree that we just need to sell the house and start getting some closure. I think the divorce counseling will help with this as well.
  9. mike_chppr
    OK well to those following. I feel miserable. I've spent the last three days very depressed, Friday, ate nothing and only let the dog out into the backyard. Saturday Drove to a friends (2hrs one way) had lunch and came back, Sunday, went to church with friends and had lunch and came back. I read them my online post and they looked at me like I was nuts. So the online dating thing is probably not what I need right now. I need to develop social networks. So what does this mean. Take a Brazilian Ju Jitsu Class Take a Swing Dancing Class Go get certified as a Massage Therapist What do all these involve, me touching another human being. I think that is really what I need the most right now. The Massage Therapist Certification sounds like the greatest plan. It is like 600 hours of coursework over a period of 12 months costing maybe 5 or 6 grand. I think it may help me with my anxiety of touching others. Maybe aleviate my fear of never being able to connect. The other bonus here is I know of very few guys who have ever done the massage route. I know of tons of chicks, and the ones that I have known have been quite attractive. Watch I'll get the class full of old hags. but I'm not necessarily all that attractive myself. Dancing, the thing I notice most about dancing, is everyone seems to be smiling. You never seem to see a scowl on someone who is dancing. I am about as white-boy as it comes when getting my groove on the dance floor, after all it is "against our religion" as I was told as a child. I think it would be awesome to learn. There is ballroom or swing. Swing seems to have a lot more energy to it. I think that would be tons of fun. BJJ, well yea it is touching another man, not that I'm a homophobe or anything, I'm a geek. I think the ability to hold my own in a fight even if just a novice competition would be a real confidence booster for me. So the next thing is how do I pull this off. Well we have to split the bank accounts, sell the house divide the stocks. And I have to move closer to DC. I cannot continue to commute three or more hours a day and not expect to have a life. I will probably have to purchase as I have a pit-bull and almost all apartments have no pit-bull restrictions. Even though he is the class demonstrator in dog training this that and the other and I'd be more than happy to do a dog interview, Fair housing laws say that they cannot accept me. I haven't figured out how to get around this. I guess I could call him a lab mix. So the online dating thing is on hold. I need social networks. The next plan is to find a church with a singles group. I'm not a real believer in the no premarital sex thing now. So it may be odd to find someone there, but there are people who are hurting just like me in those groups. My friends have told me today they cannot believe I'm not loosing it. As if they expect me to go off on a violently explosive ty-rade. This is a new side of my character that I am exposing. Everyone seems to think I'm dealing with it in a healthy manner, but I feel like I can't snap out of it. I just wish I could fast forward to like June of Next year. I feel so lonely, depressed, anxious, angry, and the pit in the bottom of my stomach is throbbing with each heartbeat. I cannot believe it is over. I just cannot believe it. I just want some peace or to feel like I'm accomplishing something.
  10. mike_chppr
    OK I feel pathetic again. I've managed to sit on the bed all day and post stupid ads online. I haven't even eaten. Although I have made some contacts with old friends from college. I kind of wish my phone would ring. Just ring danget just ring. I don't really want to pay for ads, but has anyone looked into it. Free vs. Paid. Craigslist is OK, but there are some wacko guys posted on that board. I could see me reading my post 3 years ago and think I was one of them. I'm driving to some friends tomorrow. that will soak up 4 hours out of my day in driving alone. Wow, this is the last thing I was imagining 5 months ago when I started the countdown to come home. Humph.
  11. mike_chppr
    Beec, You're awesome, a math guy would have a rough time coming up with something like that. I'm using yours. Thx.
  12. mike_chppr
    I'm that girl, thanks for your input and I think I'm realizing that quite quickly. Trying to respond to internet posts feels akward. Hey Uh I want to go on a date but be forewarnd I come with intense baggage and I'm not looking for anything long term and strictly platonic. I do love her and I would love to work it out, but I also want someone to hang out with and just have some fun with someone different. I'm going to stay clean and be open with my wife and with those I go out with... If I can find someone that is willing to expose themselves to my baggage. I wasn't lying about doing whatever it takes. But groveling is going to get me anywhere. Here is my spiel... Average Smart and Looking for fun OK here is the best way I can describe me. I wear jeans and t-shirt and sweater to work everyday. Totally casual. On the weekends I usually loose the sweater. My pic isn't all that great, but I tried it with my webcam. I can't believe I don't have any digital photos of myself. I'm a quiet geekazoid with a military side. I'm a reservist who has came back from Iraq two months ago. So for my civilian job I'm financial stable with a Master's Degree in Statistics. On the military side I'm a drill sergeant, but I don't look the part. I went to Iraq as a military advisor. That being said I've come home to a wife that doesn't love me anymore and we've mutually came to the idea that we are splitting. I've wronged her and she's wronged me lets be friends and move on. Hence this all transpired in the last two and a half weeks. So truth be told I want to go have fun with someone new. I'm not looking for long term i.e. rebound, but I just want to find some happiness in life. I can't drink as I'm on meds coming back from Iraq. But I am into having fun. My wife/ex/best friend knows about me doing this and we are both just moving on. So yea, thats Real! I'm a white male 29 yrs old. And now for the bonus points. I'm fairly fit, but not as fit as I'd like to be I'm 5'8" I'm more of a modern rock fan, but I want to try new things The geek in me doesn't like sports. I'm looking for strictly platonic. I could really use a movie too.... So if your interested I'd love to hang out and have some fun. I'm having a fantastic weekend irregardless Mike
  13. mike_chppr
    Yes I think that is what I'll do. I do love my significant other and she does know I'm looking into this, I'm responding to some craigslist ads right now. I don't have a pic. I think I'll use my avitar until the battery in my camera charges up. Or is that pic too geeky. It really does look like me. Maybe getting out in the world will give me the chance to discover what I want out of life.
  14. mike_chppr
    You can read my old posts on the Long Term Relationships boards and Trust boards. My wife and I decided last night it was over. I've called everyone imaginable and let them know. When they ask why I say I lied, and she can't trust me anymore, without trust there is not relationship, without relationship there is no love and without love there is no marriage. We talked today. We both want to be friends and we are on that track. I told her that I wanted to start looking into dating, but I woudn't do anything sexual until we were documentedly divorced. She mentioned that she wanted to {edited for privacy} and we are kind of in the same place. Question: Where do I start? Should I start this quick? Why do I feel this way so quickly. Am I really going to let our relationship go like that. I still care very much for her and I do love her. She feels the same way for me. We are both worried about each other. Keep in mind that dating is dating and boyfriend/girlfriend is a different level. So dating here is just hanging out with someone new. I'll pick up the tab. I want to go out and learn about others likes and dislikes. I want to rediscover what I want in a mate. Life is too short. I want to be happy. As other boards have eluded to I am not into hurting anyones feelings. I'm not looking for a one-night-stand or anything. I will very much go by the policy of no glove no love and we both get tested for HIV / STDs before we go down that road. It feels empowering to feel this way, but I'm obviously still hurt. Should I still be focusing on the hurt or go with the empowerment. I don't want a rebound girl, but I don't want to sit at home either.
  15. mike_chppr
    northernlight, that was the historical stuff. I did move into the other room. We are trying to get the stuff for the separation agreement. in VA we need to be separate for 6 months. We are getting a divorce. We have both come to terms. and know it is over. Right now we are living in separate rooms trying to figure out how to do the separation thing financially. This is very hard to accept, but I know in my deepest of deeps that a romantic relationship is over. All I have left now is a friend. At least I have that.
  16. mike_chppr
    vermeered, yes it is over. It all boiled down to she cannot trust me. I sent an apology email to her parents, This seems hardly appropriate, but I don't know how to really truly let them know how sorry I really am. They are important people to me and they really helped me get through in Iraq. I feel ashamed, relieved, angry depressed lonely and grieving all at the same time.
  17. mike_chppr
    Well it is over. She said it best. If we don't have trust we don't have anything. I lied to her and there is nothing that will keep that trigger in the back of her head that says I won't dump a deluge of lies on her again in two years. On the issue of lying. I did hurt people. Some of the lies I told my wife told to her mother. They sat on the phone for hours crying over some of those stories. Even though they were true in theme and not in details, I still lied. She doesn't want me to contact her parents, after we had our it is through argument. I sent them an email. At the very least I owe you guys a very sincere apology. I'm sorry
  18. mike_chppr
    Well it is over. She said it best. If we don't have trust we don't have anything. I lied to her and there is nothing that will keep that trigger in the back of her head that says I won't dump a deluge of lies on her again in two years. I take it this is no longer appropriate for the Long Term Relationship Board.
  19. mike_chppr
    vermeered, there is tons more to this on the follwing threads wife doesn't love me anymore compulsive liar I am trying to be supportive without groveling all over myself and feeling pitiful. Right now I'm sure she is leaning towards the doesn't catagory.
  20. mike_chppr
    OK I'm home now. Yea, this feels really lonely. She hasn't come home from work yet. I sent her a text message to tell her that "I've moved into the extra bedroom. We can talk about it later. I don't want to spring this on you when we are together." Three options. I tell her on the phone, I text message her, or I wait until she comes home and tell her in person while she witnesses the new setup in the other room and missing dresser as you walk into our... her bedroom. I didn't want to argue so I texted it to her. She immediately called and basically called me a coward. She asked if I wanted her to get separation papers. I told her no, this is not what this is about. She then seemingly tried to make it seem like her idea, a sort of I was going to ask you to move into the extra bedroom anyways. She said I was avoiding her. OK I haven't seen my wife since Monday night at 10:00 and then I left for work at 5:30 on Tuesday and I haven't seen her since then. Who is avoiding who here. She says she is working in __________ staying there for business but where I work is twice the distance and I commute that everyday. Who is avoiding who here? And the idea of being a coward. It took a lot of courage to move into the next room. I had to swallow a lot of hurt and self pity to do this. I don't think there is anything cowardice about sending a text message. Next in line, I mentioned that I'm tired of how all of our arguments end up being how pitiful I am and how I need to get help. I told her that this isn't about "me" getting fixed it is about "us" getting fixed. She disagreed and really felt that this was about fixing "me!" It is upon this point that she asked if I wanted her to go ahead and get separation papers. Oh snap, she is home.....I really don't want to argue, I don't want to be vindictive, I don't want to bring up the past. I want to start from here. forgive each other and start from here. We live in separate rooms, lets be nice, lets date, lets get to know each other again.
  21. mike_chppr
    I can sort of relate, but I'm way earlier in the schema. My wife and I have basically had a sexless marriage for the first 4 years. I left for Iraq for 16 months and 70 days after being back she says she is not in love with me anymore, there is no chemistry and she is unsure if that chemistry will ever come back. I have groveled, walked on eggshells and pleaded for the contact and love that I expected from my spouse after being away for so long. We had many phone conversations along the lines of how she had changed and how I would be coming back toa new and improved wife. I did for about a week, then reality set in and we were back to square 1. Same sexless marriage, roomates compatible in every other area, just no physical contact except initiated by me. Which promptly gets rebuffed as it always has. I cannot play the victim here. I can't sleep in the same bed, so I moved into the extrabedroom today. She hasn't come home to find out yet, I don't want to be vindictive, I love her. She is unwilling to pursue couples counseling at this time as we do pursue individual counseling on our own with the recent "I'm not in love with you anymore" conversation." I just don't feel very married right now. I've even thought of taking off my wedding ring. Not to have an affair, but to symbolize that For better or worse! Baby this is as Worse as it gets! I really truly wish to work it out, but it does take two. I think in both of your situations, you should try a couples clinic as kind of a weekend getaway. or even do couples therapy. Despite being in the situation I'm in Reading the book Passionate Marriage by David Sarnuch was very enlightening. I don't want a good roomate, or a best friend, I want both plus a lover.
  22. mike_chppr
    Ta Ree Saw I agreee, I don't lie to hurt others I lie to be liked, be interesting, or be acknowledged. That is as far as the storytelling goes or just making stuff up. Your right, I need to address what the NEED is and feed it in an appropriate and more honest manner. As far as hiding things from my spouse because I don't want to hurt her feelings or meddle with her insecurities, I need to work on that. I think a big part of that comes from learning how to empathize and truly feel emotion. That is the route I'm taking next. I'm going to order a set of emotional IQ books. Add that with therapy. The therapist thinks I'm beating myself up too much over the whole thing. Everyone of my friends that don't know my wife say the same things. I recognize that she is hurt, but I think this is a small part of the big picture. I came clean as a way to cleanse our relationship. To show her that I am willing to let her in to know me and what goes on in that stoic head of mine. And she is going to use this as a weapon against me. Yes she is hurt and I recognize that. But * * *!
  23. mike_chppr
    You know what I don't have to show her the boards. If she wants to see them she can look them up online. I told all my lies to get her to feel sorry for me. Yes, I've told lies, yes, I make * * * * up. But I am honest to her and trustworthy. I was reminded by a coworker how I called her on the phone one night from vegas to let her know that the guys were going to go to a strip club and I was going to go along. I just wanted her to know so she didn't find out in some sort of backhanded way. That is truthfulness in a way that counts. That is what I have done and that is what I will continue to do weather she is a part of my life or not. I will not make * * * * up with her again, and I have come clean in other areas of my life, will I never withold real truths or hide things from her. Sure I will, but it also comes down to respecting the other persons emotions. To truly empathize with them. To say. "That shirt makes you look pregnant" instead of "How about you give me another option" is that really lying. I admit fully that life is complicated and that I have lied and do not continue to want to embellish real truths. Does she want to know the truth about Iraq. I was in fear of loosing my life everyday. It felt like I was going to get mortered everyday. It felt like I was going to get shot everyday. It felt like I was going to get blown up everyday. That is how it felt. Did it really happen. rarely, but was the FEAR real. Yes it was a real truth. I can come clean all I want, but is it really just an attempt to disclose to obtain affection. I really need her right now and she isn't there. To hell with her. I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I can't continue to do this to myself. I feel sorry for the lies that I have told I really do, but I can only grovel in my own misery for so long. I'm better than this. I refuse to give her any more reasons to walk out on our marriage than she already has. She needs to own up, either she wants to live alone, or she wants to be with me. If she wants to be with me then we can start working through in counseling together. If she doesn't then bygolly lets get thid friggen thing over with. So I can move on and be happy.
  24. mike_chppr
    Well how is this working out. I can't continue to grovel for hugs and kisses and affection. If she wants to be married then she has to give an inch. If I wait for her to move out I am playing the victim. My mom played the victim my whole childhood and I refuse to repeat her path. So have I done.... I came home today and moved out of the room. I moved into the extra bedroom. I took all her extra clothes and moved them into our bedroom. and moved mine there. I drug my dresser into the other bedroom and am sleeping on a fouton. Do I love my wife. Absolutely. but groveling is one sided. At this point she cares nothing for how I feel and what I'm going through coming back from going to Iraq. She does not love me. I cannot sleep next to her and have her think I will not want to touch her. For heaven's sake she is my wife. I'm taking control of this. Either she loves me and wants to work this out or she doesn't. There is no middle ground where she can make me grovel and be pathetic and have her feel good about herself for leaving a wimpy, nerdy, needy, wet-puppydoglike husband. If she really wants to be alone then that is what she is going to get, but if I play the victim I will walk away with nothing. Oh, she has told me I get the dog. Big Whoop! If we split I will fully take what is rightfully mine. If I grovel and give her anything, what does that do for me, but will kill my mental health for the next 5 years as I try and lick the wounds make people feel sorry for me and pick up the pieces. To hell with that. I have to live with myself each and every day. I don't know how long we will live in separate rooms, but I will continue to love her and do loving things for her, but I'm not going to grovel for affection, touch, hugs, and kisses.
  25. mike_chppr
    Beec, Thanks I think that is a good idea, I just need to present it to her in a way that is appropriate. I tend to have this method. I've done all this work on this project and really want you to look at it. I beef it up for hours Then just before she gets the chance to look at it. I retort you don't have to if you don't want to. She calls this being passive aggressive. I'm not sure it falls in that catagory, but I don't know which defense catagory it would fall into. Thanks for the suggestion. I think more than anything else she needs her space.
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