tara3720
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Everything posted by tara3720
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Thanks for the replies. He has NEVER been one to apologize or say he wants me back in a genuine way. I think he has too much pride to admit that. I've been thinking a lot lately, and I did have a lot to contribute to the faults of the relationship, but I still don't know if his verbal abuse was merited by me or my actions. It's been a confusing few weeks, but I've stayed strong. Many people here and my friends have told me that a man should not react with verbal abuse, ignoring me for days on end, even when I've begged and showed him how sorry I was. Anyways, I miss him and love him SO much, but I think I'm allowing my thoughts to believe I didn't try hard enough, or it was ME who set him off, etc, when I know that's probably not true. I'll see what happens, but I don't want to let an email ruin my progress. I think its best to let it go as you've all said
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Hello Everyone. Just to update, my ex emailed me after a week of not talking or NC last night, and said "hi, how are you? You ok?" is he just being nice and checking on me, or is it a way for him to get me back in. I don't know his intentions, so maybe I can get some advice on how to respond to this. We've always managed to get back together each time we break up, and usually he'll email or something, but this time seemed different since he seemed so mad at the end, and seemed set on it being over. Who knows. Should I casually respond back, just saying i'm fine? He always seems to get into contact with me on a thursday evening too... I don't know if thats a coincidence bc the weekend coming up, or what. He emailed me last night, and a week ago he called me on Thurs evening. Here's my situation just in case. Thanks!
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Thanks Beec, It's good therapy. It's still beyond me how someone who claims to love you can do so much verbal damage. My ex has literally called me every name, and said some terribly hurtful things out of anger. He apologizes, says it's not right, but in the NEXT SENTENCE, he will go on and say, "IF YOU didn't do this or that, I wouldn't...." I'm glad you don't have hard feelings towards her. I know being a gentle, forgiving person, I will eventually let go of my feelings of anger and hurt too. I'm hopeful I will meet a man who will appreciate all I DO have to offer, and love me even when I make mistakes.
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beec, thanks for sharing your experience. I'm glad you made a stand for what is right, and you're living a better life today because of it. my ex is just plain immature, and he choses not to see it. I'm a decade younger than him, but if I call him after not talking for days I don't blame him and point the finger. He'll punish me for my actions for days or weeks by ignoring and making me know he isn't happy. Yes, I'm super angry over that right now, and the more I write about him now, the less I feel about the good times. I gave him a beautiful, heartfelt birthday that I spent a lot of time and money on, and he knew it, yet one email I send and he can ignore me and treat me like crap. He doesn't care, and that really hurts. He called me the other day, said he missed me, but started to blame me 2 seconds after saying he missed me and wanted me to come over. Now he is ignoring me again. This time, I'm taking all of your advice and not even taking his call like last time, IF he calls again.
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So many of you have given me great advice that I'm following to this day. I haven't called my ex, or emailed him, even though I've been tempted to many times. I notice I've really been thinking about the good times my we had. Thoughts of how he's helped me in so many ways with my finances, how he's showed me new things and new activities I love and helped me make many healthy decisions. Is it normal to think of the good things so often? Does it make him someone worth it, or is it just a process in letting go? I guess I'm just wondeirng if this is a stage in normal breakups. Thank you all
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I know what you're feeling, and trust me, I'm going through the same situation where my ex is emotionally abusive, and will only call when HE IS lonely, etc... Don't go, for your own sake. You said yourself he hasn't apologized, so please don't get hurt by him anymore
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Thanks everyone. He finally called back earlier this morning, and I asked what he was doing. To make a long story short, he was really rude with me when he said he was going on a hike later on (6pm on a friday) in 90 degree dry weather. I just said, "you're going on a hike when it's this hot?" I guess that made him mad because he thought I didn't believe him, so he said really sternly, "I need to call you back, LET ME CALL YOU BACK." Click.... He was being a jerk, as always, but I just turned my phone off. He hasn't called back. It gets as confusing as heck because sometimes I'll think it's me overreacting, when in all reality, EVERYTHING upsets him. I know it can't be normal to walk on eggshells with everything I say and do. I have to trust, even though my self esteem is so poor right now, that there are men that would never dream of treating me this way, even if I mess up which we all do so many times in life.
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Thank you all so much. You have helped me more than you know. The thing is I always wanted sex more than him, but you're right, it was rarely "intimate". Who knows why he used me, but I know it wasn't for a genuine love. I am better off without him, he hasn't even called me this morning, (im glad) and that just shows how much he "misses me." Thanks for making me realize that a normal man would not take my mistakes or actions and blow it up like my ex has.
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It will be hard, but I am doing the right thing aren't I? It was not me who caused this relationship to crumble? I guess I just need to hear that, that no matter HOW I acted, who I was, this man will treat any woman this way. It really hurts that I gave him SO much, loyalty, faithfulness, great love, yet he focused on my problems. Sorry guys if I sound stupid or repetitive, I just need to get past this one area and I think after this, I will be laughing at the thought that I stayed with this man so long.
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My family actually thought I left him long ago. I felt ashamed to tell them I went back to him. They heard him cussing me out in a vmail he left, and since then they said to leave him. They don't know he has been so verbally abusive, and when he ignores me for days after I "pis him off" thats why I walk around looking so sad. Its awful, but I guess I need to tell them. He called me late last night because when we got off the phone earlier that evening I told him to call me after 9pm so we wouldn't waste minutes on nothing. I was already in bed when he called. So, I was foolish BEFORE i posted here, and texd him early this morning, but he hasn't responded. If he really cared, he would be genuinly apologizing, or else accept my apology the FIRST time for the email, and have let it go DAYS AGO. NO, I think HE loves this crazy ignore me, then call me, ignore me.... He's psycho.. I don't care, I'm going to heed all of your advice, and as hard as it is, believe that many women have left men for much less, and I need to be strong. It's the weekend, it's so tough, but I need to think of my well being. Thank you guys.
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Thank you for the replies. I read the article, and yes, I should know better after reading it. I just thought I may have ruined a But, I need to realize when people make mistakes, their significant other forgives, not gives ultimatums, ignores them for a week, then calls back and blames. You all are right. I can't fall for it. He wasn't even nice or apologizing either. So, as hard as it is, I think I just may be "addicted" to the routine, because as I read your posts', I see how dumb I sound or would BE to go back to him. Thanks robowarrior for the visual. =) I'm sick of apologizing and trying to make him realize HIS behavior contributes just as much as mine to the destruction of our relationship. No, it's always ME.. He even had the nerve to say I was abusing him with my repeated behavior. CRAZY vicious circle and I REALLY need to get away from him.
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I won't go into detail since I've posted so much here, but just wanted to update and let everyone who's followed my post know that my ex called last night. I didn't answer, so he called again. I finally called him back, and he said he was missing me, and kept calling me 'honey.' THEN, he started in on "WHY did you write that email after we had such a good weekend together??" I told him I was still hurt over his obsession before his bday that my age was preventing me from giving him what he needs, and I was worried he was only being nice to me because I gave him a nice bday. I apologized, said the email wasn't right, but to understand. He kept blaming me, and said I really don't see my behavior and what I'm doing to the relationship. DO I really not??? I've said everything honestly here, and I don't know if I'm making myself out to be better than I am, or if he really is seeing this whole thing in a distorted way. Well, he called me back later last night, and I didn't answer. He asked if I wanted to see him, but we never made set plans. What should I do? I feel I would be dumb to go back to him, I don't know..
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thank you so much for the reply. it helps to hear what I'm doing well instead of always being put down by him. for the first time in years he told me he was proud of me last month. it was weird to hear that... i know deep down i have so much to offer a man like you've said. i am attractive, young and athletic, and i'm truly very easy going. he just chose to pick at all my wrong, and never loved ALL of me. i'm picking up the pieces, and each day I get stronger and thank God for bringing me back to reality, and in a healthy environment. he hasn't called me, nor do I know if he will, but I'm glad he hasn't because it helps me move on, and if he does, I'll be ready to give him a great comback, and say good riddance. =)
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juliana, thanks for pointing out all of those great things. it's so true that he can blow up at every problem I have, yet his yelling, cursing, lying to me, ignoring me is somehow ok. maybe someday he will see how much I actually put up with him, how much i loved him, but by then it will be too late. i know i'm angry and i feel awful saying this because i DONT wish him bad, but I hope his next girl he's rushing off to find (or already seeing) will leave him if he gives her the crap he pulled on me. i can't think of him anymore though. thanks for helping me realize he is an a**h** not worth my time. =)
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Thank you for that response. It helped me see if he was a man whom focused on the "real" woman and the 'relationship' aspect of being with a woman, he wouldn't be ignoring me and beating me down for a mistake. Good point. The crazy thing is in the last email he sent me, he said that my "issues" are not fair to him, and he hopes I find the help I need. Those were his exact words. In all reality, I was in it for the love, affection, and relationship aspect, thereforeeee I put up with his anger issues, which were HUGE, I put up with his outbursts, his days of ignoring me, and NEVER gave him an ultimatum or ignored him. Thanks for assuring me he is not worth the thought. i do get down sometimes, but I think i'm doing better.
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I just want to say thank you first of all to those who helped me in my situation. I'm doing much better, but I'm still hurting, wondering, and thinking about my ex. I mean, he gave me an 'ultimatum' the week before I gave him a very special and heartfelt birthday. He said if I do this thing he so hates one more time he's going to get a new girl right away, and he wants me to go get a new guy. Do you think another girl that fast will really make him happy??? I know I may sound foolish, but I need some help and encouragement to maintain NC. It really bothers me he hasn't even called or anything
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Kellbell, thanks for the response. To answer your question about his mother, he helps her out a lot, but he also has no problem yelling at her when she gets on his nerves as well. Now my mom has never made me upset the way he claims his mother does, but I know that I have never, nor will I ever yell at my mom the way he has. I just still have that question, will he call? Is he thinking of me?
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I forgot to ask my question after all that. =) Do you think I made him so unhappy that the girl he is already seeking out (or seeing already) will make him happier than I ever could. I have no idea if he will call me again, he usually does, but this time may be different. This man has hurt me so much, I shouldn't care, but I do
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Wow. Thanks! Kellbell that is a great resource. i will read it when I'm off of work. thank you Now I see that I may have been making excuses for him. I know his behavior is not normal, but I thought "If I hadn't of acted this way, if I was a little older......" Those are basically excuses I guess, but I figured he was so nice to me sometimes, that if I changed the behavior he didn't like, he could be nice all the time. Well, my guess is he will treat the next woman the same, ESPECIALLY if he is already searching out or dating someone new. At least I know that I had my issues, but I loved him SO much, and I really did try.
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Hello Everyone, Please see my post about my whole situation so I don't give you all another long post. I just wanted to update and say I'm doing better overall. MAYBE it's because it hasn't hit me yet it's most likely over for good, or maybe I simply don't miss the rollercoaster relationship I was in. One day he was sweet and gentle, then next he was cussing me out, picking at EVERYTHING, then forcing me to leave his home. I'm still left pretty hurt though. He basically gave me an ultimatum the weekend before his birthday, saying if I gave him one more incident of the "attitude" he hated, he would go look for another woman! we all mess up. He took his problems out on me ALL THE TIME that had nothing to do with me. He has an anger problem, but I"ve NEVER given him an ultimatum or made him feel bad because of it. I was a good girlfriend to him overall. I never cheated on him, was SUPER loyal, and I stuck with him through SO much. I mess up one more time, and he just ignores me. He hasnt even called me, and I gave him a wonderful bday, spent a fortune on him, and he really loved it. I spent so much time making a special book for him, and wrote him nice notes, and it just seemed so perfect. He knows I love him and would never hurt him on purpose, so how can he just leave me like this??
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wow, thanks for the link. Thats sounds very similar to my situation! He has always called me back after each breakup we've had, but this time he sounded different. Maybe I did irritate him so much that he finally had it. If that's the case, EVERY woman he's with will bother him. my gosh.
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Thanks! I'm actually very angry and hurt because of him right now, and all of his actions. Fine, he can go on dating sights, seek out girls where he lives, because there are plenty of cute girls in his city. but, I doubt he will ever be satisfied. Im really hurt right now, but as you've all said, I'm young, and there are MANY men out there that would not treat me like this. I have to believe it now
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Thank you everyone. each post helped tremendously to clear up many questions and worries I still have. Was it me, could i have changed something and he would have been nice???? Those kind of questions. BUT, after hearing all of your responses, and friends' responses, I see it's him who has the deep issues. I wrote him an email this morning saying how crazy it was that he KNOWS how much I love him, he just had a great bday, we got so close, and because of one email, he's had it. I also told him that I put up with his anger problems, his verbal abuse that had nothing to do with me, but I never left him or gave him ulitmatums. Scout, and others were right on when you said he lacks the fundamentals of a healthy relationship, thereforeeee he most likely will never find a happy relationship. To prove it, he's already out there looking for new women, while blaming me and leaving me over something so dumb. Now im just angry, and ill use that anger to move on. He even had the nerve in his email to me this morning to say I need therapy and he hopes I find help.
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Hello Everyone, I just posted yesterday about my boyfriend/ex and the conflicts we've been having. Here's the link: Basically, he was telling me how my age was preventing me from being the woman he wanted, then the next minute he would tell me I was great, and I will only grow, so age is NOT a problem. He messed with my head, and on top of that, every time I made a mistake through the course of the relationship, he would ignore me for days and punish me. Then he would call back and blame me... I gave him a great bday last week, pampered him, and we got pretty close. I guess I messed up and wrote him an email regarding his issue with my age after that weekend, because I was confused as to why he was being SO nice. I know he appreciated what I did for him, but I wanted to make sure it wasn't temporary because he felt 'obligated'. He told me before his bday that if I upset him one more time i'm gone, and he will immediatley go find another woman. he said I should go look for someone else too. Who knows if he meant it, or just said it out of anger, but he is already on a dating sight! I'm so hurt. I just found out. I couldn't dream of doing that... How do I move on from this. Im really hurting right now.
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It's so hard not to focus on it though. He tells me all the time that it's because of my age that I can't do this or that, and we will never be on ____ level. THEN, after I treated him really nice on his bday, I saw a side I never saw. A very sweet and caring man who talked about the future, about traveling..... Did I mess up by sending that email???I just didn't want to fall for his kindess and caring attitude when he could turn around and be his old self again. I didn't know what to believe. It's almost as if I have to walk on eggshells to get his good side though, and I think even if I didn't send that email, his "kind streak" would have worn off.. Before, if I did one thing that made him mad, I was ignored for hours or days. It's a crazy feeling, but I know i'm much better off now.