pregnantkitty_1985

Urrgh, that young girl situation doesn't sound too good. I'm guessing an underage girl?? That probably was quite a damaging situation for her. Is seeking marriage counselling a possibility?

(I'm not saying it's your fault, or that you're a jerk or have done anything wrong! I just think maybe you guys rushed waaaay too quickly into marriage and parenthood.)

How old is she? It's obvious this marriage wasn't right from the get go. If you felt you were pushed into marrying her, well.. I'm sure that's something she's sensed, or knows factually, and that could very well be the reason why she's checked out sexually. As someone else in this thread said, emotions and sex are tied in together for women. How a woman feels for you can either increase or decrease her sex drive. Clearly she's not feeling you like she was at the beginning.

True, true, but.. why do you think she's like that? And what can we do to stop her from thinking that??

Okay, for starters, I love my younger sister, we're like really good friends, which is a huge change from our younger years. She would try to compete, compete, compete, over everything. Over who our parents 'loved' and 'liked' the most, over who had more friends, who had more boyfriends and the cutest ones, who had less body weight, our looks in general, who was smarter.. and so on. She would never directly come out and admit to this, but it's true. She becomes incredibly jealous if my mother even talks to me (although this too she won't admit) and often tries to act as if she knows things about mom that I don't. She behaves as if their relationship is special and she understands mom in ways that my brother and I don't. This isn't helped any by my emotionally cold & distant mother telling my sister that she is her favorite, (right in front of my brother and I). Though most of the time my mother is too selfish to pay attention to my sister either, she does spend more time with her than me and my brother. She spends zero time with us. (Which, is fine, my mother is highly unlikeable to 99% of the population and I don't need her, quite frankly.) She'll however, go pick up my sister and take her shopping and so on at times, when she's having a "good" day. My brother, poor thing, still lives with the woman, and she won't pay him the time of the day. The only reason why she lets him live with her is because of the child support she receives from dad, which she spends on cosmetics/jewelry/clothes/perfumes/and supporting/feeding her married boyfriend. She completely ignores my brother in every way, unless the house is messy when she comes home from work (and then she'll scream and curse at him). If he wants to talk to her or show her things he's learned on the guitar, she'll tell him to um, eff off and go away. So, he's learned to stay out of her way. Anyway, I think this just serves to emphasize my sister's superior complex. Not to mention she's in the past used her feminine charms to steal other's boyfriends and always thinks that guys are staring at her, always. She's always sniffing and going, "Why is everyone staring at me? Everytime I go somewhere someone is looking at me!" and tries to pretend as if she's offended, but what she's really trying to say is she thinks everyone's looking at her because she's beautiful. In case anyone thinks I'm paranoid, my brother and I have discussed this before; he has the same theory, incidentally. Plus, she thinks that all girls are jealous of her. Even me. She even said to my brother last year, "Why is (my name here) so jealous of me? I don't understand it." My brother said he nearly bust out laughing in her face. Of course, my darling little brother (he's 17 now) came running back to me and reported it. Now, she's a pretty/more cute than pretty, actually, girl with a good figure, but she's not heartstoppingly beautiful, and men who have girlfriends that they love aren't going to risk fights just to 'look' at my sister. Nor do they want to, nor are they sitting there secretly thinking "I wish she was my woman, instead of the girl I have." But, she seems to think this. She's forever talking about her boyfriend's brother's girlfriend who is supposedly highly jealous of her, and how "gross" she looks because she had a baby like, two years ago, and still has a bit of plumpness to her. And my sister is slender again after having one baby last year, and another in November. (At age 18, sadly.) The girl she talks about has a bit of a belly, big deal. She's still not fat. My sister is convinced that this girl is so very jealous of her and often says things like, "I don't want John (the girl's boyfriend) looking at me!" And it's like, um... he's probably not even looking at you. He's with who he wants to be with, clearly. My sister has known her boyfriend and his brother for years, so if the brother wanted her so bad, don't you think he would have already tried a long time ago? Now, although this sort of stuff annoys me, I just let her ramble on and basically envoke the practice of "nod your head and smile." It's mainly because though she's a bit stuckup/prissy/finicky about things, and we've had our horrible history of hating eachother with a passion, she's incredibly sweet and caring, and I genuinely as the adult that I am now, like her. She knows she can always count on me and vice versa. She is 18 with two kids, and she needs her big sister sometimes. This is no problem. I enjoy calling her and we chat on the phone quite often, and she often rides through and I'll help her with her errands (because she has her hands full!) But.. once she started bringing up the jealousy thing again, I've become quite annoyed. I thought she was over that, and recognized me as an equal, and was off the whole "my older sister is so jealous of me ohmygod" trip. But, apparently not. I haven't seen her much at the beginning of this year because her first child has a condition and has been treated at a hospital 3 hours away for the first half of this year. Of course, we talked on the phone as much as we could and I rode up to the hospital whenever I could, as well. This year I started dating my current S.O. in February and he had a glimpse of her, once, they never really got to meet until my nephew was healthy and allowed to come home, which was only about 4 or 5 months ago. Of course, once they were back down here, my sister & her boyfriend would visit and they got to meet my S.O. He was polite and nice to them both equally and normally, nothing wrong there. One time we went to my sister's house and my S.O, who is one of the world's most talkative/chatty person, started randomly talking to my sister (and the room was full of my brother, me, and my sister's boyfriend) about some movies we had recently seen, and kept saying to me "tell her about this movie! Tell her about that!' and blah blah. Then he started telling her about his last job, and all the stuff he had to do, (he was also slightly bragging about doing inspections and stuff,) and he kept going on about it because she was polite and acted interested, although you could tell she didn't know what he was talking about but she's too nice to be like, "Dude, I don't even know what you're talking about!". He was just trying to be friendly (as far as I know) and plus, he does tend to tell people things that they don't really care to know, and keep going on, and on, and on... (you know, doesn't get the hint.) He just picks people out of the room randomly and starts talking, thinking they'll be interested. Not sure why he chose to tell my sister all of that, out of a room full of men who might actually *know* what he was talking about, but, oh well. Anyhow she was trying to get out of the room because she was pregnant, and wanted a baked potato, but he kept talking (didn't get the hint and she was too polite to just be like, hold on a minute!). She looked a bit... overwhelmed. Anyhow, I went and talked to her while she cooked her potato and I explained to her how he talks a lot, but doesn't mean to bore anyone. We saw them a few times after that and as always, my S.O was very nice and polite to my sister, offering to find his daughter's old baby clothes for her and stuff, and treating her first child as if he was already his nephew by marriage. We even went to see her in the hospital when she had her second child in November and he was just as polite and courteous to her then. He wasn't going into long boring stories with her or anything, but still talked to her. One day my sister and I went to town and when we came back, he had bags full of baby clothes for her, from his mother, and she said hello to him. He handed the bags to me (I asked for them) and he nodded and said sup. Typical him, he's chatty but doesn't exuberantly say 'HIII!" when he sees people he knows. My sister frowned but I didn't think much of it. Anyhow, on Thanksgiving, we all went to my aunt's house. Me, my brother, my S.O, his 3 year old daughter from a previous relationship arrived just as my sister, her two kids, and her boyfriend arrived. My mom arrived separatedly and stayed for about, 30 minutes, then left to have an adulterous rendevous with her married lover before the food was even done. There was my great-aunt, my great-uncle, my great aunt and uncle's daughter, my sister/brother/sister's boyfriend/my s.o and his daughter/my sister's kids/ ... just, a whole lot of people crowded together in one living room. We all exchanged hellos, my sister said hi to him personally, and as far as I know he responded! He nodded and said hey, or nodded, or something. No big deal, right? Well, my sister and I were upstairs after we ate, while she changed her newborn, and we were alone. She asked me something kind of strange. She asked me if she had offended my S.O. or something because he "didn't even say hello to her and he gave her a dirty look". As far as I know, he did not. I guess what Miss Ego meant was he didn't smile all big with his eyes glazed over, heh and get excited to see her. Plus, my S.O. has those sorts of eyes that do look kind of cold if he's not smiling. They're the kind of cold blue/icy blue sort (though can change rapidly to a green) and I've seen the very look she meant, and it's not a dirty or mean look, he doesn't even know he's doing it. I said to her, "I thought he did, I'm pretty sure he nodded, anyway in all the chaos it's hard to talk to anyone personally. And that's just how he looks if he doesn't smile." She said, "yeah, but I mean, he's not said a single thing to me today." I responded, "yeah, but there's so many people here today, like I said, it's hard to talk to anyone individually, everyone else is always talking to them." She said, "Well, see, it's just strange how the first few times you guys came to my house, he was talking to me a lot, telling me all about his inspections and so on, and other stuff, and he was being really friendly and stuff, but then like, the last time I saw him, that day I took you home, he like barely even said hello and gave me a dirty look then, too. And he's like, barely said a thing to me the past few times we saw him." I told her I wasn't really even aware of that and I would talk to him, but as far as I knew, he didn't have a problem with her, he liked her and her boyfriend. She tried to make it seem as if she was a poor victim: "If I offended him, I mean I would like to know, I don't want to offend anyone, I didn't even think I've done anything wrong," and blah blah. I was just like, no, I'm sure it's all a misunderstanding. Well, a few minutes later, my S.O. comes to the top of the stairs and takes me aside to a separate room. He whispered in my ear, "oh my god, they're crazy! Charles (sister's boyfriend) just came up to me and asked me why I didn't even say hello to your sister today. He asked me if YOU told me not to talk to her! He told me that your sister came up to him a bit upset, and her feelings were hurt, because I supposedly didn't say hello to her and haven't been talking to her the past few times we've seen them. I told him that there's so many people here, I mean, I didn't even realize I was doing that, I didn't intend for it to seem like that. And I did nod when she said hello. Then he started talking about how I talked to her a lot that one time, and asked me not to say anything to you, but wanted to know if for some reason you told me not to talk to her. That's ridiculous. They're clearly trying to imply stuff!" See, I'm not paranoid, he and I were on the same page about this situation. I was mad, to say the least. Where do they get off assuming that? Plus, too much coincidence for me that both Charles AND my sister brought up how that one time my S.O. talked to my sister a lot, as if it was such a big deal. That's just how he is, he would talk to anyone about anything if they sat there and listened. I mean, my sister was even recalling everything he said as if she had made a mental note of it. Who would even have remembered that conversation? It wasn't a big deal. And I know she's the one who said to Charles that I probably told my S.O. not to talk to her. Because, like, y'know, I'm sooo jealous of her, and all men want her n' stuff. Even other girl's boyfriends, maybe even especially other girl's boyfriends. My man must look at her and wish he was with her, and hates that he's stuck with shabby old me (I'm not shabby or old!) I guess he talked to her "so much" that one day about his past recent job to "impress her" with his knowledge, or something. Because, y'know, she's so beautiful and gorgeous and he must have fallen for her the second he saw her, and couldn't resist talking to her. Heeeeh! And the reason why I know that she's the one who told Charles I must have told my S.O not to talk to her is because, a) she's always thought this way about people in general, especially girls, and b) she clearly told him to say something to my S.O in private but also asked me about it so it didn't seem as if she told him to, so she didn't anger me for trying to imply I was jealous, and c), charles wouldn't have said anything unless my sister made him do it. He would have told her she was likely being a bit paranoid or just said what my SO said, "there was so many people here it's hard to talk to anybody individually." So, I was furious actually, I thought we were friends as well as sisters and PAST THAT COMPETITION BULL. So, my SO went back downstairs and I went back into the room with my sister, alone, and told her what my SO just told me. She made a big production of pretending to be mad that Charles said anything to my SO, and then said, "I mean, he's making it seem like it's a big deal, I mean I don't even care if your guy talks to me or not, now he's just going to think that I really give a d-mn if he talks to me or not, when really I don't. He doesn't have to talk to me if he doesn't want to. Really I don't care, I just wanted to make sure I didn't offend anyone, but really I don't care if he talks to me, it's not a big deal." All the blah blahs and so on pretty much proved to me that yes, she did think my SO was talking to her a lot that one day for a reason, and then yes, I obviously told him to never talk to her because I was jealous and convinced he had a thing for her, but when I confronted her she felt stupid because I knew exactly what was going on. See, she didn't think that my SO was gonna run and tell me because Charles had asked him not to say anything to me. Of course, he did. heh, see, that's what happens when you trust people you barely know to NOT tell their SO's things. But she kept going on about, "well I mean, he did talk to me an awful lot that one day" and blah blah, "and now he barely says a word to me and gives me a dirty look, I mean I guess Charles was just trying to come up with possible reasons as to why your man would ignore me and stuff and not be friendly, and that's the only reason he could come up with. I mean it was rather strange.." I said sharply, "and just what are YOU trying to imply, that I am jealous of you? It's getting old, girl." She got visibly upset (I hit the head on the nail) and started denying things, now with an attitude. She was trying to make it seem like I was crazy for even suggesting that she thought that, when if she didn't think like that, this insane situation wouldn't have occurred in the first place. We got it "resolved" at the end, basically I confronted her man and told him, no, my SO was not ignoring her, and no, I did not tell him not to talk to her, and asked him why he thought that. He basically said the same thing, "well I was just trying to come up with reasons, I mean I don't know..." Not really well-rehearsed. Guess he didn't think my SO would tell me and I'd come up and put him on the spot. But, I know despite things, she still is convinced I told my guy to not talk to her because I was supposedly jealous when he did talk to her and when he talked to her, it's because he was interested in her. Puhlease. C'mon. My SO now thinks my sister is just as egotistical as my mom, who thinks everyone wants her and isn't happy if the spotlight isn't on her. And I think he's pretty observant. Never really thought of it like that, you know, the whole attention thing... but it just makes sense. Anyhow, today the SO comes home from work and says, "I just saw your sister in the store." Now see, ever since the above incident, he feels really awkward just being around them. He said that he feels if he talks too much to my sister, they're going to think he's interested in her. But if he talks too little, they're going to think it's because I'm jealous and told him not to. It's like a no-win situation. Anyhow, he said she was all alone and came up to him all friendly like, and said hey and started asking if his daughter had the chickenpox vaccination, because her son's got it and blah blah, etc, etc, etc, and he said he was polite back but, was in a hurry (his friend/boss and wife was waiting outside for him) and was trying to pick out something for us to eat for dinner. He said he was listening, interjecting "uh huhs" and stuff and listening (you know, to avoid her thinking that I told him not to talk to her!). But, he also told me that "I didn't really have time for small talk and chit chat" and he wasn't OVERLY talking because he didn't want her to think he was interested in her. He said that for some reason, after his last reponse (something regarding his daughter and the chicken pox vaccination), she just turned and walked away, without saying a word or goodbye or anything. Very, very strange. Maybe it was because he was focused on comparing prices and different foods instead of focusing his full attention on her? Oh lord, I can see it now. Her stupid boyfriend is going to be calling up here again accusing us of stuff. But what could it be this time? I mean really. As far as I know he did nothing wrong. Maybe it's because Miss Beauty Queen didn't have his full attention and she thinks that all men want to give her their full attention? And then when he didn't, she thinks it's because I have forbidden him to, because I'm jealous because I think that he wants to pay her more attention than me? I know this was an incredibly long post, but, if anyone has managed to reach the bottom, please take a stab at explaining this or giving me advice, and tell me how to diffuse such a situation and get her to stop thinking that. Especially since tomorrow I'm sure she'll call up here complaining or something. Now we're both forever going to feel weird around them, because they're always going to be thinking something. At least she will, anyway. Talking about some egos, jeez.

And before I go for the night (I am very tired!), I must say one more thing. Everything you said was true and I took it all in, deeply. But the one thing that stuck out to me the most was this: "He is trying to entrap you in his world of confusion and fear, rather than step out of his world and live with you in a brighter place." I'm off, for a talk.

He would talk me into staying and I would think, "he really is a good guy at heart and does love me and does want to work things out, and regrets heavily what he did, and does want to get past what happened". Whether stupid to think that or not, that's what my thought was when we talked about stuff. Yep, screw those creatures. (Parents.) They are not me and I am not them, and they don't shape who I am.. Couldn't agree with you more, I really need to build up my self esteem and start making plans with my life. Plans not revolving around a man and our "future", whether there is one in store or not. I need to be focused on me. I want to; this is on my list of priorities. Soon enough I will and I can't wait. It's all true, it's all very true. After reading your post I kind of felt sick. Because it's true. I'm an idiot. I am going to go talk to him right now. He's still awake. Thank you Caro.

I don't know that I'm 'addicted to drama' or in a co-dependent relationship but it's something to think about. Not to mention something I'm going to look up because I'm not 100% sure what such a relationship entails. You're probably right though. But I don't think I'm obessesed, though.

This is a quote from the website record, "PROF/HARRSS/THREAT LANG PHONE (PRINCIPAL)". Not sure what they mean by prof unless it means profane. You're right. I didn't mean to minimalize it or anything.

Thanks for the reply Annie. Not to be rude and corrective, but although I'm only 21, I have had a few long relationships. Some brief but I've had some long ones too. The last one I had (a year and a half) was a million times worse. I was with one guy when I was 14 for 3 years, on and off. That too was a bad relationship (this guy had a definite thing for young girls, I was one of them and he also couldn't "keep himself" from cheating. In other words, a pathological liar/habitual cheater who loved to seek out impressionable younger teenage girls.) That relationship was also worse than the one I am in now. And when I was 17-18, I had a pretty good relationship, but it ended (he was going away to college in another place, it just wouldn't have worked.) And then I've had quite a few brief relationships, not all bad but none really fulfilling or anything. I would love to settle our problems by talking about it or talking to a counselor. I am 100% open to the idea. But it seems when we ourselves talk it out, sometimes we come to brief 'resolutions' but the other half of time it's like going around in circles.

Nah, I wouldn't be lonely & I'd have my friends & siblings (I consider them friends as well) for support..

I hope that doesn't end up being me. It sounds like my mother.

Just my opinion, not fact of course I think someone who's stayed out of trouble for 7 years isn't going to do the same things as they did as a dumb, immature teenager. I don't think it's a rule that someone who's been arrested in their past is bound to absolutely be arrested again in their future. My dad did a lot of horrible stuff when he was young, too. He was arrested for drugs & bar fights and stuff, but when he met my mother at age 29 he had been straightened up for years and hasn't been arrested since. He's 50 now. Just an example, of course that too isn't a rule. Good luck to your friend's daughter.

Well, I do kinda know Hope 75. It's more like I don't really want to, though sometimes I do, then other times I don't, because I want to work things out and help him out with his issues. If that makes any sense at all. It sounds stupid but, I don't know.

Yes. I don't know about being a horrible role model though, he is ashamed of his past and has stayed clean and out of trouble for 7 years (my mistake, I looked it up, it's been 7 years not 5.) I'd say in that way he is rehabilitated.

That is an inspiring story above, thanks for sharing, Hope75. I'm glad you got away from that situation, no one deserves that. I know I don't either. I am concerned definitely, and I don't have much self esteem sometimes. I don't know why, there's nothing wrong with me, I'm not stupid, or ugly, or trashy, or anything like that.. but I still have low self esteem. My friend said she thinks my low self esteem comes from my childhood. I would definitely agree. I don't know what else to say, I know all that you are saying is true. I don't know why I don't just pick up and leave. I mean, I do, but it would be hard to do so.

Well, that one day he called a gazillion times, we counted, and it was actually 34, but I rounded it to 35 for consistency's sake.

It is a good theory, but I'm not entirely sure it applies to me. I don't feel I need a man to have status or worth. And I'm not the type to go around slipping in the words, "my boyfriend," just to let people know I have one. Heh, girls like that annoy me. I don't feel that the million phone calls are a sign he cares, really. I do agree that it seems more like mental instability, (and it really is annoying, as well.)

Stuff like harassing phone calls (he and his buddies did it, he took the entire rap), parole violations, other various stuff, weed/drug paraphenalia, trespassing, just misdeamnors and stuff. One felony for attempting to sell but it was dismissed. He doesn't do any kind of drug now, nor does he drink, at all. This was about 7 years ago though, I was mistaken if I said 5, I looked it up online. When he was still at teen. He's not been in trouble in a very long time. When I said domestic violence, what I meant was there was domestic violence going on between he and his wife- which she was arrested for, for punching him and other various things. Perhaps to stop his rages and show him who's boss, but that's just speculation (and certainly not an excuse for any sort of violence.) He didn't do anything to her, he wasn't arrested for it or anything. And she was quite proud of it, (she's psychotic), everyone in this little hick county knows about it. But yes I agree, he is controlling me, or attempting to anyway. I rebel. I was thinking along the same lines about why he wants so badly to get me pregnant. To make sure I can't leave, because I'll be very dependent on him. And like you said, to be trapped. My parents don't know and they wouldn't care. They are divorced, and barely talk to me, let alone have tried to get to know him, let alone have tried to find anything about his background to see if he's good enough for their daughter. They're too selfish and busy with their own S.O's, who require their partner to put them first over their children. Plus I'm 21, so I'm pretty much on my own with this situation anyway. If I was a minor, I suppose there was something they could do, but they probably wouldn't anyway. I don't know what it will take for me to wake up. I wish I could sleep. If my posts sound a little off, it's because sadly, my friends & I have been drinking all night, and I was violently ill around 6:30am, and drank a lot of water and stuff, and now I can't go to sleep. At all.

Hmm, this is a tough one! This guy, based upon your post, sounds like any woman's dream. He defied his parents for you, he takes care of you and sticks by your side through your illness. He won't even take a lapdance with your given permission (and dare I say, most men would be knocking down the strip club's door if their woman said they could have a lapdance without any consequences). He sounds great. The only problem is that he does not want kids and you might. Or might not. I definitely, definitely would not end this relationship right now, Sugarmomma. You don't even know if you want children yourself, and like RayKay said, there are serious risks for women with MS. Of course you could adopt, but maybe that's not an option you would want to consider. I don't know. All I know is, don't give up something wonderful over this, just yet. Wait until you've made your decision on whether to have a child or not, and if it's worth the risk of losing what you two share. You never know, in another year or two, he might change his mind about having a child. Good luck.

Oh, and I didn't elaborate much about the paranoia, but let's just put it this way: everyone that knows him calls him paranoid. His own mother says he's paranoid. Everyone likes him but they still call him paranoid.

The only thing that does not correspond with my fiance is this one quote: are also usually unable to control their sexualities. Rather than deciding whether they are hetrosexual, homosexual or bisexual, they often change their minds between the three, resulting in ignored feelings, confused emotions and an overactive imagination which usually makes the situation worse for them." As far as I know, he is completely heterosexual and always has been.. . but I guess that doesn't have to apply to all those with borderline disorder.

Oh my god. I am sho-ooocked. I just looked up Borderline personality disorder online because though I've heard of it, I didn't know what it was. I am shocked. It ALL sounds like him, to the T. Wow Arwen, I think you're right. Obviously you've taken pyschology or something. And know what, if I remember correctly, he sort of mentioned something a while back about a therapist saying he had 'borderline' disorder or something but he later recanted it. I think that's what he said anyway. We were online looking at personality disorder quizzes (weird I know, but just for fun because we were bored) and he sort of said something like that. So, it would make all the sense in the world. Points which coincide with the description of borderline disorder: * The "intense but stormy" attachment he has to me, in which he goes through extreme alternating phases of idealization (in which he acts like I'm on a pedestal, which he often does) and then the phases of devaluation ("you don't care about me, do you!" and etc) * The freakouts at the thought of abandonment (even if I just want to go to the store with a friend) * risky sex (why else would he have accidentally gotten a girl pregnant a few years ago) and why else does he not want me to get on the pill but doesn't want to wear a condom * paranoia *angry outbursts *affective instability *impulsivity *abandonment fears. Quote: "Individuals with BPD can be highly sensitive to rejection -- for example, reacting with distress or anger to separations. This can occur with family members, health professionals and friends, as well as partners. These fears of abandonment may be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless. Suicide attempts or self-injury may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments. Ironically, the desperate clinging to other people can serve as the catalyst for conflict that drives others away." He acts hugely distressed if I go ANYWHERE with any of my friends, so I rarely ever do. Once I went with my best friend to the store to get a simple beer and went to the park so we could chat, girl to girl, like friends need to do sometime, and he called her cellphone 35 times. Yes, 35 times. At first I answered and he kept saying "what are you doing? When are you coming back??? I don't understand why you had to go.." and blah blah, eventually I stopped answering. Everytime I would return he'd be worried. Once I got mad at him and spent the night at a friend's house, and he called a million times. He told me that the entire time he sat on the couch and cried (in between calling my friend's house a million times!) Maybe this is why his wife left, because he kept clinging to her desperately and wouldn't stop. Supposedly she made a claim that he threatened to drown himself, the night she left. He denies it, but I think it's true. I think he was just as desperately attached to her as he is to me, and made the same claims of 'everlasting love' and so on, and then if she did anything he percieved as wrong, he started raging and saying "you don't care about me," blah blah. He tries to claim he was never like that with her, and only loves "me" like that, but pfffft, c',mon I am not stupid, all of that crazy stuff wouldn't of happened between them if he didn't act the same way he does with me! *identity disturbance (maybe that's why he's done the most idiotic of things because his friends did, or because he was trying to impress them, because he at times has no sense of self). Also, maybe that's why he tries so hard to act like his friends or changes his personality around certain people, like his voice even changes and such.. *he definitely has the history of relationship instability, with me and also the estranged wife, domestic violence galore * And he has made some suicide threats before, but mainly to get attention * mood dysphoria * Transient, stress related paranoid ideation FO' SHO (Heh) * Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger, frequent displays of temper * (this is quoted word for word): "Dissociative episodes, where the person may experience visual or auditory hallucinations, or become disoriented or experience depersonalization, occur generally in the context of hyperarousal , either through extreme emotion or anxiety. These generally last no more than a few minutes but may occasionally occur over hours or days. Aggressive, self harming or potentially dangerous behaviors may occur during these episodes." Dissociation is also known as "splitting" from one's psyche- and that would explain how such a nice/sweet gentle guy with a good heart can go from loving to raging psychotic. One "splits" from their good psyche and acts completely dissociated, not themselves at all. He definitely becomes disorientated when this happens. He once claimed he 'blanks out' when this happens but I'm not sure I completely believe that. I believe it's more like he experiences complete depersonalization, acting in a way that's not like him at all. * Emotion dysregulation- extreme black and white thinking, never any gray area in between- (this is sooo him) * Another quote is as follows: ""As a consequence of difficulties with emotional regulation (i.e., emotional dysregulation) and maintaining some social boundaries, people with BPD can sometimes make rapid and seemingly deep connections with others, marked by unrealistically high levels of mutual admiration. When very open and in need of reassurance and love, they can sometimes overwhelm others with praise, attention and intimacy"." Yes, so true, he pretty much INSTANTLY got attached to me within the first month we were seeing eachother. He would not stop calling me a million times a day and was claiming he was in love with me by month two. He puts me on a pedestal, too, and does overwhelm me with attention. He definitely needs reassurance and love. "They can also feel overwhelmed by others, or be taken advantage of. Due to the inherent instability of such relationships, and unresolved issues for the person with BPD (particularly in matters of trust and self-worth), they are prone to react strongly to apparent slights and reverse their over-positive view. This can be experienced by others as unexpected hostility or betrayal, and can also be confusing and painful for the person with BPD. He is taken advantage by people a lot, (though honestly, he does the same to others as well, manipulative being that he is). He does react strongly to apparent 'slights' and then starts accusing me of starting stuff with him, and etc etc. And I do look at it as unexpected hostility. And yes I think he's confused. * It also said they have an inability to control themselves when doing certain things, such as crying (he is a crier, and it's strange, because it often occurs during what I call his mental 'meltdowns'), and hugging/kissing blah blah, well sometimes he will try to hug me if he thinks things are going to end and I'm going to abandon him and he will not let me go. * It says people with borderline personality disorder often are self-destructive, and often self mutilate. He doesn't do that, but I think he's self-destructive in other ways. If he's anxious/worried he will refuse to eat, and the website I got my info from said that's a typical sign. If he becomes angry he will drive like a madman and put himself and people in harm's way. When he is raging, he will punch walls and potentially harm himself. It said people who are self-destructive will remain in a abusive relationship, well he was in an abusive relationship with his wife (she was arrested for domestic violence) and he still kept letting her come back to the home. She is the one who left in the end. Probably sick of the crazy stuff. He would still be with her today if she hadn't of left. And I suspect he was just as "attached" to her as he is to me, because an ex gf of his that I know said she had to break up with him because he got too 'attached' and kept calling her a million times at work and she nearly lost her job. It's more like, he doesn't love the individual for the individual, but loves them because he becomes instantly severely attached to whoever is showing him attention, and so, it could be anyone, anyone at all. I've thought of that theory for awhile now, so it does make sense in correlation with the borderline personality disorder theory. But that kind of makes me think, okay, well I'm not that special, if we broke up tomorrow, the next time another girl shows him attention, he'll instantly be attached to her and "in love" and will forget about me. How um, cute. Not. * It said people with this disorder often have other disorders comorbid with the borderline disorder. Such as anxiety & depression, which he does. He's thrown up blood before due to anxiety. He has depression. He was given medication for such things but stopped taking it a long while ago because he "can't swallow pills." * Another direct quote: "Adults with BPD are also considerably more likely to be the victim of violence, including rape and other crimes. This may be the result of vulnerabilities resulting from BPD (e.g., willingness to tolerate unsafe environments to avoid abandonment, tendency to form intense relationships) as well as impulsivity and poor judgment in choosing partners and lifestyles". He tolerated an unsafe environment with his wife, even though she was abusive to their child, obviously to avoid abandonment. He didn't do anything about my outburst on NYE, which wouldn't be good if I was like her, (which I'm not.) But if I was, I could just continue to abuse him in such a way and he'd never do anything about it, he'd just tolerate it to avoid me leaving him. He definitely had poor judgment in choosing certain partners. He certainly had poor judgment in doing what he did, (hitting on that 14 year old girl because his friend pressured him to.) He told me last night that he has poor judgment, coincidentally, and that's why he couldn't tell how "young" she was. Still not an excuse however. I think the poor judgment is more connected with his stupidity of commiting such an act in the first place. Quote: "Anger, impulsivity, and poor judgment may also explain why people with BPD are more likely than average to be arrested for and convicted of crimes ranging from petty theft to murder. A person with BPD can be marginalized by society because of the moods and behaviors. He's been arrested 35 times for petty crimes and been to jail a few times. Nothing major like murder, of course, or violence towards anyone, or anything dealing with minor girls (though quite frankly, I am surprised.). He hasn't been arrested in 5 years or so, he did straighten himself out, but that would explain the arrests. * More convincing, it said childhood abuse and neglect is correlated to development of borderline personality disorder. People who have been abused & abandoned are at higher risk for developing it. He was abused and his father abandoned him and his family often, for months and even years at a time, only to return for awhile and then do the same again. It all makes sense. * They described various things used to treat borderline disorder, and antipsychotics & antidepressants were one of them. He was on BOTH, but told me the antipsychotics weren't because he's psychotic or schizo or anything, but because it helps to treat depression too. I don't belieeeeve that, why give someone two different medications for depression, when one of a higher dose will suffice? I know that antipsychotics also treat mood disorders, and borderline disorder is a mood disorder.. hmmm. I'm starting to think he has been diagnosed with this, and I'm not mistaken when he said a therapist said that he had it..

You might be on to something there. I agree that the flirting is based on low self esteem. My fiance definitely has low self esteem, from childhood traumas/issues. He acts overly confident, cocky, and arrogant to compensate for it, and as a shield/cover. So I can definitely imagine him needing validation from other women (or in his case, girls) because all of his life he's wanted/needed validation from other people in general. He often wants validation from me. One would think it's enough, to be validated by one's significant other, but when you're dealing with someone who feels inferior then it's often not enough. Good luck to you as well, I hope you do find a real man who doesn't need to hurt you to boost his self-esteem.

My serotonin levels are low, low low, people, I always have the worst PMS known to man. Horrific mood swings, depression, even worse anxiety than I usually have, general irritability, and all-around insecurities. Always during this time the problems in my relationship are even more emphasized than normal. It sucks. And if I use the word 'sucks' one more time, please ban me. Ban me from this website or delete all my posts. Nah, please don't, but really though. I must find a better word than "sucks" to describe things.