beck24

Hmm, yeah i think that part about me being embarrassed by her got emphasized too much or something. That's not even a concern. I'm not worried about my selfesteem or my prde. But thanks for the replies. You've been a big help

Wow you guys are quick! Thanks for the replies. Yeah I think I just need to get over it. This isn't an issue of thinking I deserve better or anything like that. I've never had feelings for someone that isn't the ideal "beautiful" before so I don't really know what to do. I want to tread lightly but stay honest at the same time. I guess I feel like everyone says "You're the hottest thing I've ever seen"-type comments to their partners and I feel bad for not wanting to say those things. But it's ok not to feel those things, right?

Hello, I've been seeing a girl recently who is slightly overweight. Normally I wouldn't be attracted to such a person but she's a lot of fun to hang out with and she's definitely very intelligent. I feel like a butt for thinking alot of the things I think though. For instance, she hasn't met many of my friends yet but I feel like some of my friends would think "Couldn't he have gotten someone better looking." I know I shouldn't care what other people think but that's hard sometimes. It's almost like I feel embarrassed, which is really awful. I'm just wondering how a relationship like this would work. I really don't care what people look like. However, I do know what I think is attractive. She does have a cute face but if I were to be honest I wouldn't rate her very high. I bet she could be very attractive if she lost some weight but I hate having those reservations about some one. Am I doing her an injustice by dating her when there isn't a strong physical attraction component? How do you date someone when you feel this way about their appearance? It's gotten physical a few times and nothing really bothers me but it's definitely not what I'm used to. I do think she is comfortable with herself so it's not necessarily a sensitive issue. But I hate being so concerned about what other people think. It's just the way I am and I dunno if that's gonna change. I guess I should just ask my mom about this because she (a very attractive woman) has remarried to an overweight man. What would I say if she asks what I thought about her appearance? I hate white lies.

Well I always hated how you never heard back from anyone once they've moved on from this website so I'll give an update and hopefully some words of encouragement. Me and my ex don't really hangout much at least as of late. We still have a very friendly relationship and we talk frequently. I wrote her one last letter back in late September I think and I haven't spoken about anything since. She's working on her exit show but I bet after that we'll probably hangout alittle more frequently. There are two things that I did that I would recommend for everyone. 1. Stop talking about the relationship. I wrote her one last letter and in it I specifically stated that I didn't want her to reply to any of it. It was written from a level-headed perspective which was important. But these were my closing statements I guess and I got it out of my system and haven't looked back since. If you have to do this in order to stop talking about the relationship then do it. Whatever you do, bring an end to all these discussions between you and your ex. 2. Get out and meet new people. Everyone says it. Just do it. It will prevent you from being so dependent to your ex. When you're out socializing you won't be thinking about stuff. You might still be emotional at first but if you keep it up, these emotions will fade. I'm no longer thinking about my ex in any romantic way now. This is the best place you can be. I can view the relationship much more objectively now. And now that she's off the pedestal that I put her on, she's on the same playing field as everyone else. Because if anything new were to come of us, we would be startin over. All the stuff from the previous relationship must be removed and this is done when she's off her pedestal. I've been meeting new people and even have a new girl that I've been kinda interested in. However, most important to me, is that I'm not taking anything too serious. I'm not worried about any sort of relatioship with anyone right now. I'm just trying to enjoy being single. Whenever one opoortunity closes, many more open up. What happens, happens. I'm not trying to force anything or WILL anything into creation. As you can tell, I haven't had any form of NC. It's been low contact but also at times like around Halloween, I had a costume party and so did she, so went spent a lot of time together then just hanging out. Take note that I haven't had "if I make myself desirable I will slowly lure her back" in the back of my mind. If this were the case, all of our interactions would have been contrived and ultimately harmful to me. Really, you just have to give up with those thoughts. We were drunk at those Halloween parties and were having a good time. She wasn't my ex. She was just another girl I was having a good time with. Step 1 is the starting point of moving on. Step 2 is actually moving on. If you're in complete despair right now, moving on is probably the last thing you want to do, but really it's the only thing to do. The sooner you can move on the better. There's nothing to say you can't come back but you have to take this like it is the end. Erase everything. Your ex doesn't want all that previous garbage from the first relationship and neither does anyone else. Clean up the mess so you can start fresh with whoever comes along next.

Well I'm bored at work so I guess I'll just update my situation. We've hungout at a party, met up downtown for drinks with friends one night, watched TV one night, and talk on AIM everyone once in a while. Last Tuesday, I sent her an email. It came from a very calm frame of mind and it was a way to get those last things off my chest. I told her she did not have to respond to anything. I told her about what I've been going through with depression last semester and why I broke up with her and thoughts about my future. It was very organized and I felt like all my other closing statements were way too emotional and scattered so that's why I did the email. It was very positive and supportive. She responded to it but I'm still not sure what it all meant but I'm trying not to worry about it. Her response was to call me crying, saying that she wanted to come over immediately, right after having read the email. She said she just wanted to give me a big hug. She came over and she gave me big hugs while she cried. She said I was such a great friend and I meant so much to her. I kept cool. She said she just had to get that out of her. We watched TV together on Wednesday while I studied. It was very casual and low-key. She said she was always very happy to see me. She also said "you've got your own little life going". She also touched me in a way that's hard to explain but it was kind of her touch that she did when were together. It was her I-can't-stand-it-anymore-I-gotta-touch-ya kinda touch. It's sort of a tickle. Regardless, it definitely brought back memories. So thanks to this forum I think I'm handling things right. I've at least presented the illusion that I have my own life going and I can tell this is having an effect. I've made every contact pleasant and fun. I can make her laugh like usual and I'm generally very calm around her. When we got drunk hanging out with friends downtown one night, I was calm and didn't do anything stupid. I'm trying to be myself and hopefully she'll fall in love with me for the same reasons she did before. She has initiated some contacts. While I was at a football game with my parents, she was there too and we kept texting each other back and forth. Finally, she just said, I'm gonna stop by your section. She did and only stayed for a bit, but she initiated it all. For those who haven't read my story, I dumped her back in March and then I wanted to get back together in August. So I'm beginning to wonder that she just wasn't ready to get back in a relationship. It seems like there are still feelings for me, but it's kinda like she's afraid to just jump back into it and she's just kinda testing the waters for the moment. But also too, she still doesn't know what she's gonna do after college. And I know neither of us would want to get involved in something that you know is going to end due to circumstances. I'm not gonna lie, I'm very hopeful. But that hope sure does give me some rollercoaster rides sometimes. The key here is patience. And again thanks to this forum, I've learned a lot about how to handle it. I've also presented myself as together, independent and active. So my next plan is to try and disappear. I've given her emotional support and have shown that hanging out with me can be fun. Now I need to take that away so she wants it again and she comes to me. It goes back to that "feeding the bird" post. Who knows what lies ahead though.

for what my 2 cents are worth, keeping it cool is the best plan. i suggest reading this

You said in your last post that she doesn't see you two getting back together and that she likes things the way they are. Even if she wants to get back together she's going to have some trust issues with you I imagine. It sounds like you've already commited to some plans with her. I'd say follow through with those but don't get your hopes up. Don't expect anything to happen. Just play it cool and try not to worry about it. Do you want to be just her friend? You might have to initiate some sort of avoidance plan for a little while to heal a little more before you start hanging out alot. Go by what she says. She just wants to be friends for now.

yeah I was just thinking about you the other day. Glad to hear things are going well. I'm still trying to work on that "not caring" part.

Dude if you're worrying this much about a 1week relationship I can't imagine what you'd be like in situations similar to what everyone else here has been through. Honestly, that doesn't even need to be posted. She still has stuff with her ex. Leave her alone. You are just an airbag for her right now.

hey dude i know all about depression. the only cure is self-improvement. start working out. i'm a scrawny dude so obviously working out has never been something i've even wanted to do but it will really help keep your mind of off things and will help you sleep better at night. call old friends. the worst thing you can do for depression is sit at home feeling sorry for yourself. pick up a new hobby. i'm about to start playing guitar. get active and do something. best of luck

Yeah I would definitely sit on the letter for a bit. I've got one written that I've been sitting on for a week now and might send it later this week. Reread it every couple days or so to make sure it feels right or even better, right another one and compare the two and pick which one you like best.

It happens but for most it doesn't. And it's healthiest to assume the worst.

I'm take it that she broke up with you and now she's reaching out in a friendly manner. And I guess FC means friendly contact? But I think you answered the question yourself. You simply can't. Only do so when you say you can. Unless of course it's some extreme circumstance like the death of a family member or something, you shouldn't do what you don't think you can do.

"6) She is the softest person i have met and get the feeling she may come crawling back to me sooner or later saying she regret the decision." I'm in possibly a similar situation. But I don't think this attitude is right or fair to her. I think my ex is similar but I've realized that she needs to be independent for herself. I was the world to my ex and since we've been apart she's grown. Even though I think there are still lots of feelings between me and my ex, I think that she might just push those off because she wants to prove to herself that she can be independent and strong. It's just that time in her life. She doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. Maybe your ex will think the same. So don't belittle her and give her some room to grow. I'm not saying your being a butt - I know what you mean, I'm guilty of those same thoughts.

We went to the concert on Wednesday night and we had a good time. That night was proof of the NC principles for me. Not only did she seem to be missing me, but I was in much better frame of mind than before. I was calm and kept in mind all the things everyone has been saying. I just played it cool and had a good time. I wasn't nosey about what she'd been up to. But she seemed interested in what I was up to . I didn't tell her everything but I told her enough to give her something to think about. I've been going out downtown with my new roommate and she asked what bars we went to and said that she wanted to meet up with us sometime. She even got teary-eyed during a couple of songs at the concert, one of which I had kinda implied was about her. I didn't ask why though. I don't mean to sound happy about her sadness but it was an indication of what she's going through and I know she's thinking about me. We've only had minimal contact the last 2 weeks but going a week with out talking to each other (not even little emails) is the longest that's ever happened since the almost 4 years we've known each other. It's definitely having an effect. I dropped her off at her house and she said "I'll talk to you soon!" I said "Talk to you later!" I suppose I'm still foolishly hopeful but that's ok. This last year of college for us will be full of emotions regardless. She has her career to think about, where she's gonna live, and who she wants to be with. I can tell she still has feelings for me but she's just confused about what's next in life. And I don't think that she's trying to string me along for emotional support. It will be months before she knows what she wants to do but NC (technically LC for me) has shown me that it is the best thing to do. Hell, if it comes up, I'll even encourage her to date other people since I know that it will help put things into perspective. And I feel much more capable of handling that and understanding that she has to do what is best for her. If you truly love someone, you have to let them go. We have a special bond which hasn't been damaged by the break-ups. It's just suffered through some growing pains. I am strong enough to handle the outcome either way.