supersonic74

fall back moment....I've deleted all my socialize related accounts like hi5 ...it's sad I tried several times to reach out to my friends...but it's like talkin to a brick wall ...no response ...no reply...the only response are allways pessimistic...you are this and that.... I'm like casper...a friendly ghost ...that just wanna have friends ...but scares pple away...sometimes I don't know what I'm doin anymore...my shrink said just hang out with your friends....but who? there isn't anyone left!

I was coping with my bad memories...cause of that I was wearing some sorta mask...I wasn't myself anymore...it looks like I having a blast...but in real life I wish I was dead...but my mask was crumbeling away.....a friend kept lecturing me..to do something about it..cuz its bothering me every single day...but I was in denial ..kept saying to myself...everything gonna be just fine...but my selfesteem just gotten the worse of me..as my work doesn't go as I hoped..everything I was touching let to disaster..instead of gold....as I kept losing my friends... I pounder of a bridge, look down and thought of killin myself...but in a verge ..I kinda prosponed it...and decided lets wait for a while..and see where the shoe would fit...as I got home.. sat behind my desk...the same friend was chatten with me...she was sayin "what's got into you?".."this is not how you use to be"..."look at yourself" .."all pathetic and all broken"....as I listen to her lecturing I suddonly said I was thinkin about suicide...I dunno why I said it...it just popped in my mind..thinkin it would be alright and she will just let me be...but she got all angry ...and kept askin me why? why would you think of killin yourself ? you egocentric ...why leave your friends and family with pain and tears in their eyes?...I didn't know what to say...I just replied ...but its my bad memories...it's like some demons that just won't leave me be....as she said..everybody has it's share of bad memories...but it's how you handle it...go swallow your pride you need to seek a proffesional guy..cause everybody hate to see you go down like this...as these words flash me back into the reality I realize that there are really pple that do care....lately I attend that sorta help...all is cool now...all is well I just need to clear this out..thx

-sigh- I wish somebody would call me..and say "hey dude wazzup?".."wanna get something to drink or to eat...or just hang out?"...instead of using me as an information centre.."dude do you know this or that?" ..."could you do this for me or that...yapyapyap" ....not that it matters anyhow..any call is a good call..owh heck it's better something then nothing right! ... better to give then to receive..crap. but who would be my fairy (not the gay type and grants me my wishes!! lol..kinda pathetic..screamin for attention...i know ..i know...a lost cause don't mind me ...just spammen this thread with some of my frustration. as rain pours in my world ..it also rains outside my world..damn time to get me an umbrella.

I can't stand it..why is my life like this? helpin pple yet i never receive some love or some pride...why do I have such insecurity..why could I only say no to girls who wanna start something with me..I am 31 now...I wanna experience some love too... that's me in the future..a lonely old bitter man..I don't wanna be like that...it's better to skip it..and have a bullit in the head...but please help me..my life is falling apart from it thx

thx ..for the compliment..I try to do my best...as my thoughts dwell off..I just write it down on this forum..and try not to confuse any one..if it does..accept my humble apology.

je heb gelijk ..ik zal trachten me op beide benen te staan....wat betreft mijn vader ...tis dat het harder klinkt (net zoals je het had verwoordt) ...ik zie het als een programmerend echo...een echo hoor je nog van mijlen link removed zoals de woorden van mijn vader..denderd het nog steeds door mij... maar ben alleen bang dat ik voor altijd alleen blijft ..ik ben gewend onder de mensen ...in solitude te zijn is een zware last...hopelijk zal ik ooit mijn zelfvertrouwen weer vinden...nog bedankt voor de artikel..ik zal het lezen..want het heft wel de burger moed...nogmaals bedankt

yeah ..It just takes some time ...you deserve better...theire is more beauty in life..you don't always need the ugly part of it.

yeah like theredqueen said before ..you should become a writer..so deep..and yet so beautiful..like words are more then a thousand flowers....post some more.

yesss it's happenin again ...everybody is ignoring and avoiding me...this is really gettin old ..I'm in a state of lost and unwanted...man just like my father said to me...I wish you where never been born . tip to everybody never ever open yourself to any one..not even your friends..they will only diss you....like me..I kinda let myself go...and look at me..all dissed out...alone..sad..with no selfesteem ...pathetic and depressed. I doesn't feel like eatin or do stuff anymore..there is no use..with me on this planet... sometimes I do get lucky...with my grades..or jobs...but what is luck? ..if I can't share it with someone...I HATE MYSELF>>I CAN'T STAND BEING THIS PATHETIC ANYMORE..why can't somebody give me a second chance...I will proof it to ya..that I'll never gonna open myself to ya..i will put my mask of happieness back on..

I'm with the others..just leave her...like you said she is cheatin and lies to you and breaks her promises everytime..that means she's only thinkin about herself...and the fact that she's emtional blackmailing and using your past experience to her advantage is so wrong...it's hard to make such a discision..but you gotta think of yourself...you seem like a nice person..so you don't deserve this treatment from her..if she's trying to commit suicide ..(honesty I doubt that maybe it's one of those lies she is tellin you)...don't feel responsible for her action..as she does it on her own..so like I said ..just leave her. a friend allways said to me..treat the person the way that he/she is doing to you.

thx all for your support ..reading this gives me a good feeling Only it's just so weird ...I never felt like this before...I allways thought I didn't care...I never talked it over with anyone else ...but all of a sudden I got confronted by friends who had a depressive moment...they open up to me as I opened myself to them...I helped them but got myself in a despressive state...I don't know why "the real me" came outta the cage...I lost all my selfconfidence because of it...I never was like this...I couldn't even help a good friend in need...I only say things that get me more in trouble...I never meant to hurt her feelings...and maybe I have lost this friendship...my brain is confused..that I startin to get at a loose end. I am tryin to get use to this loneliness and find happiness in it..it's a good choice that I started out by movin to a new city...I went to the movies and ate at a restaurant all by myself...it's a weird feelin that everybody is with someone and I'm with nobody...I try to get use to it...maybe I will meet someone..you never know...but then again...at this moment ..if a truck hits me..I couldn't care less..otherhand that's a good thing because I wouldn't be bothering anyone else. speakin off my family..I'm so hurt inside..I already decide that I will change my lastname that of my mother...I will hold no crudge..because I'm not like that...time to take a stand!!

hey all wazzup? I'm new here and first of all I wanna apologize for my bad English, it's not my first language... anyway to start off ..while I was surfin the internet I found this forum..has a nice title ...so I thought... what the heck lets try this out..so here I am. lets begin my story!! at this moment I'm feeling very lonely and sad. I have many friends but in some sort of way, there's an empty feeling in me. I use to have this feeling like I don't care about what people thinks about me..but suddenly things turned the opposite way. My life begins of havin a identity crisis when I was little...I am mixed..and living in a small community ...but the people there tend to call me names and laughed at me..we moved out of the community because of it...but still living in the same town and havin contact with the same community...and while I got older ..those people still not accept me ..but they accept my brothers and sister...people see me as an outcast..of their kind... But those things never bothered me...its my own half of the family..my father and my brothers..that kinda dissin me off...blamin me for everything...espacially the death of my mother...I don't no why they have done that...cuz she was the one that really knows me..and I love my mother dearly..they just kicked me outta my parents home..and abonding me to live on my own ..and the only thing that they gave me was guilt towards my mothers death..but luckily my sister helped me...and moved with me..but that sudden change in my life left me a scar..a scar I don't no why i deserved it...then again my father never liked me...allways bringin me down in front of my brothers...still I try to convince him that I am not that dumb...I have now the highest education of them all..but still it doesn't do any good..for my father I'm still the dumbest person of the family..still I just wanna be a boy that someone could easily be proud of..or maybe Iam that stupid...I have no selfesteem at all..and maybe he is right..I don't know..I allways wear some sort of a mask..allways laughing and jokin with my friends...and nobody knows..that deep inside I am cryin...time has past ...and my mask keeps crumblin away......hence the fact that I basically am losin everybody...and now I am alone ...like I use to be...so what am I livin for? if the same * * * * keeps comin again...why do I keep doin the wrong things...and everytime I think I make a mistake...maybe I should jump of the bridge and end it all...I don't know if the mask keeps it any longer...I don't know if I want to.......I just wanna help ..and that someone can be proud of...why do I get pain instead ...why???](*,) ..in the middle of the night I just wake up and cry thanx for reading ...sorry if my babbeling doesn't make any sense...I just wanna spit it out..and hopefully get some advise ..thx