perry22

mom2be I totally understand the mood you are in. The sad fact is that being able to trust the betrayer again is very very difficult. I am having the same issue like you trying to recover. The thing is that all it takes is one small unexplained behaviour/action to put you on high alert again. And if those suspicions are proven valid, it takes you back to point zero where you will start the process again of evaluating whether to abandone or to give another chance. This type of behaviour takes a very understanding/patient betrayer partner to complement and most of the time, their own patience run out as well. They could become extremely secretive about their actions, whether there are some motivation involved or whether they are doing so just to avoid you dropping back to point zero. The cruel fact is that people like us, the betrayed ones, tend to be very fragile and hypersensitive to their actions/behaviours. I think it might be possible but the road is long. I have changed my approach on this in that previously my thoughts tend to be centred around her. Now stealthly, I try to shift the focus back to myself. Ultimately with such a partner, we need to first learn to be selfish and put our own needs on top first. That might help us to let go of the grip bit by bit and eventually we do not get so bothered by what they are doing in their life since we have detached more from the previous state. I am not sure this way is the best solution but I have come to terms that whatever it is, looking after our own feeling is still the priority and who better than ourselves to do so. If you have any other ways, I would like to hear. After all, it is all about healing our own self. Good luck!

I can confirm that the snacks were indeed for that guy. Even though I was mentally preparing myself that this is the case, having it confirmed kind of shattered me completely inside. Some of you might think that it is just a gesture between friends but I seriously doubt so. It would appear that she is making her move to be closer to him, for motivations known to her only. For me, only for a love one will I go out of the way to make purchases of gift etc. If he is just a friend, there is no need to offer to send the snacks and then actually go out of the way to purchase it online and send it to him. I would do it for a person if I think of her in a close way. One way of another, there is already some emotional attachment and how this leads on will also depends on how the guy wants to play the game. I have been feeling very down these few days and she noticed it. Since I was always the bubbly one at home and making all the conversations. I felt that she was a little detached from me as well but she insisted that it was due to my moodiness. She said that it seems like my love for her has dropped these few days and it worried her. We had a general chat about us and she actually said that she felt she was not trying hard enough in this relationship. She said she pondered/reflect a lot about things she has done but not told me about. During bed time I was lying awake pondering my options of whether to tell her what I am aware or not. She knew I was deep in thought and she was having her own difficulty falling asleep too. I asked her if she wanted to tell me what she had reflected on but she said no. The night ended this way... Some may think that I over-reacted over a trivial matter but the thing is that this could potentially be the second time the same thing happened within a year. I personally have lost the confidence of whether this relationship has any future. Her behaviour has killed off a lot of me.... the only thing now I feel for is the baby. My head tells me that ending this relationship is probably to the best interest for both of us but my heart feels jammed due to the birth of the baby in 5 months' time. Sometimes it makes me wonder what I have done to deserve all this.... I have been playing my role to the best I could as a boyfriend/husband and then future father....

Upsetwifeofone, thank you for your warm words. It is indeed a very tricky and testing time for me.... I wanted to tell her but I admit that I found out only after snooping on her stuff due to her sudden mood swings at times for no apparent reason. I have on many occasions provided an avenue for her to speak but with her character, she will never open up. I guessed I need to throw her with some concrete proof just to stop her being defensive. I considered working on things, that's why I have forgiven her once (I mentioned in my other post) but seems like things are heading down the same path. The thing is that the way things are heading, it will be the second time and I am not sure there will not be a third time. I need to be convinced (which will not be easy) if I were to give the whole matter another go. What's occupying my mind a lot now is if this whole thing were to end, what should I do to help with the delivery of the child (I know she will definitely be wanting to keep the baby)

To the betrayed pregnant wives, I feel sorry for you and hope that you stay strong and positive for the sake of the baby. To a certain way I can understand the dilemma all of you are in because it messes up all the plans that have been made for the new arrival. I said to a certain way because I am the reverse of all of you in that I am the husband of a pregnant wife (5 months), who is emotionally attached to an ex co-worker of hers. She has been communicating with him in the dark thinking that I was not aware but I have been aware of what has been going on. Due to her current physical state, I do not think boundaries have been crossed yet but we all know emotional is more lethal than the physical aspect. To think that I pride myself as an adequate husband who has been supporting her in all aspects consistently - emotionally, physically, financially, and on the household chores etc, this is all very hard to swallow. I contemplated ending it all but wonder about how she can cope on her own while waiting for the child to be born (she is not working at the moment). Everyday I am thinking about what I should do to clean up this mess. I even thought of telling her my intention to end this marriage, but will allow her to stay on at my place until the baby is born. But the thought of living like strangers under the same roof while bearing the child of both feels strange....

This is becoming crazy cos with reference to point #2 stated on my first post about sending the snacks to the guy, this is not just casual talk cos I found out she was trying to purchase the same snacks from some auction site!! She is definitely not purchasing it for the home since the pack sent from her mum was still intact..... The good thing is when I came home tonight she was already asleep (I had a company dinner). I would have look horrible to her knowing what she is trying to do.... the hardest part later is to try to fall asleep on the same bed with her next to me.....

She moved from her state to stay with me about a year ago. She does not have friends here but again the opportunity was there but she choses not to. So far the 2 friends would seem to be the "close-shaved" guy from her part time course whom she does not contact now, and this ex co-worker who she is keeping in constant touch with. She had other opportunities to know other people eg. other would-be mothers from her maternity classes organised by the hospital but she seems to pass by those opportunities. I even try to take her to occasional company informal dinners so as to let her meet some of my office ladies but again she passed by the invitation. As far as I know she texts some of her friends from her state once in a while (or they text her). She keeps assuring me she is not feeling lonely and she is getting enough time from me. I finish work and go home to be with her and it sometimes hurt that this is not enough and to make matters worst she does not tell me (she always say everyting is ok). She said she is looking forward to the arrival of the baby and life for her now is very fulfilling and she is satisfied. With the known habit of her telling white lies, I am not sure I should believe her or not.... the secretive emails and also those supposedly "attention seeking" gestures are suggesting something still not right?

Hi Melrich, It makes sense that she wants acceptance from this person. But if this person is not someone she views differently, why does she bother? Is this some sign of emotional attachment towards that guy? And in fact, I have been doing everything in your list right from the beginning of our relationship, stretching thru to the time she almost jump in with the guy from her part time study course. That's why the shock and blow was so great when I learnt of the "close" shave that took place 8 months back. On top of helping out with household chores, I gave her flowers, cards writing sweet little messages, text her on the mobile during my lunch time at work, take her out for meals (but she does not want me to spend money taking her to posh expensive places and always insisted we save up for the baby and future), I gave her massages before her current state of pregnancy when she could lie on her tummy without discomfort, I rub and touch her tummy everyday saying how beautiful she is etc, how much I love her etc.... all this happened to be in my nature I guessed. But what is shocking and very discouraging is that despite all these things being done, there seems to be still something missing. I could not make her open herself up enough to me it seems.... she said this is something about her upbringing and maybe it takes time. She felt undeserving and unworthy sometimes despite how much assurance I have given her and how much encouragement I have given her. Life with her seems like a rollercoaster ride to me sometimes and I see myself losing sleep and losing weight over all these things I am seeing.... I felt that her lack of self esteem is going to be a big threat to our relationship especially if people knows how to play it right with her. Sometimes I felt that maybe I spoilt her right from the beginning? If I switched off a bit towards her, she is usually able to detect it and want me to tell her what is bothering me. So far, I have kept my findings closely to myself and at times it is killing me slowly inside.... I enjoyed the World Cup for as long as I start watching soccer but this world cup has been a nightmare for me.... most of the time, my eyes are on the TV but my mind is elsewhere..... I am just not enjoying my life now anymore.... The ironic thing is that I sometimes hope to find some dodgy stuff between them that gives both of us this valid reason to walk out of this marriage without feeling the guilt. Sorry for ranting out in this forum but some of you who has been in my situation can probably understand the helplessness I am in.

Hi Melrich, Thanks for your reply. Sorry I did not get the part about the indicator. Can you elaborate more? In fact I gave all my time outside of my work to her. Does my share of cooking/household chores. She always say that she loves me but she seems to be getting on well with this ex co-worker. Frankly I am worried about an emotional affair kicking in that leads to worst consequences in the future.... woman like her with low self esteem can be an easy prey to some.... I felt like I am running out of steam ....

The background is that my wife got to know a guy through her part time school 8 months back (we were not married yet). They started going out but she decided to break all contacts before things went out of control. I found this out only 2 months ago by accident (after we got married) and confronted her about this. Her story was that she said she felt swayed by that guy so decided to stop all contact since she still wanted to be with me. She claimed that the only thing they did was only to hold hands although I was not sure since I saw the messages from the guy saying that he wanted to "eat" her. She has been very firm that she did not betray me to that extent and she said she would have left me if she had done it with him. I have since forgiven her about that matter but have since been on high alert. The story move to the present (she has definitely broke all contact with that guy) that she has a co-worker (in the same team) in her previous job that they got along very well. She has left the job about 2 months back and currently is taking things easy since she is 5 months into her pregnancy. Also I need to add that my wife is a relatively moody person (or gets moody very easily) with low self esteem and keeps things to herself. She has the tendency to filter out certain things she tell me for motivations known to her only eg to avoid me getting upset etc As I have been on high alert, I snooped on her sometimes. I knew I should not and I felt * * * *ty everytime I do it. But now I really feel that I do not know what kind of person I am with . I know this sounded crazy but the fact is that she is currently pregnant and also we are already married. Let's say I spy on her out of desperation trying to know what the path might be leading to. I have found out that around once /twice a week, the co-worker maintained contact with her via email or mobile texts. I kept things quiet since they appear to be talking more about office stuff. 2 weeks back he called her up on her mobile and they spoke for more than an hour. Naturally I did not feel very comfortable about this but I let it go. However the thing that triggered me to be very upset was that she maintained that all this while since she has left the job, they had only email each other twice whereas actually there must be more than 10 going around. Obviously I could not confront her since I did not want to let her know that I knew what was going on. The event put me on even higher alert. A few events have made me wonder her intention. 1. He told her that he went for dinner with some co-workers at some location. In her reply, she mentioned about a posh restaurant in that area that she was aware of and provided him with the URL. Said that this restaurant is slightly on the pricey side so she uses it for special occasions like birthdays/anniversaries only. The puzzling thing is that she search for this restaurant from some general search page before replying to him with the URL. I am very sure she does not know of this restaurant before. 2. She received some snacks from her mum who sent from another state. Happened that that weekend he went to another state to visit his girlfriend (yes he has one so that's what she told me). He mentioned about him being away for the weekend in an email to her before he left. In her reply, she mentioned that because he was away, she could not sent some of the snacks to him. If she receive the snacks again, she will be sure to send some to him. 3. In the same email to him, she provided another URL to a posh restaurant which we saw on TV. and I suggested to her that we try to reserve and go. In this email, she ask him his opinion about this restaurant and for his comments if he is aware of it. The above 3 events might be trivial but I seem to feel that she is suggesting to him indirectly of meeting up / trying to maintain closeness? Or is she trying to maintain her self esteem (she has low self esteem) that she is also in the same type of league as far as social life is concerned. I need some insight into this. I have been quite a broken man since all my spying activities and I know I am doing something very low. The thing is I seem to be trying to find some evidence to throw to her to have her open the lid on what's going on. There are many times I think of walking out of this marriage after her lying /covering up as I felt it was pointless since I gave problem trusting her. However she is carrying the baby and I would feel gulity if I just end it without having some concrete evidence thrown at her face. Thanks for coming this far...

Hi Towny, Your fiance is similar to my wife. She is very prone to moodiness, has low self-esteem and always think of her as worst off than others. She keeps in constant touch with an ex co-worker of her. As far as I can tell, they communicate often via email and mobile phone messages. I think they talk over the phone sometimes. The thing is that she does the same thing like your fiance. She does not tell me about their contact and even play down the frequency. She does her email reply etc when I am in the shower etc. But she sometimes is careless and left her mail client running on her laptop so I can see in the inbox the number of emails definitely exceed the number she claimed. Also I have on 1-2 occasions snoop her mobile (I knew it is wrong to do it but I need to know where things are) and I knew she delete off all messages with him and call histories etc. At this moment, it appears that he is just keeping her posted on all the office politics stuff since she left the job over a month back. He tells her some of his personal stuff but she claimed that she does not reveal so much the other way round. She has told me that there is nothing between them but her secretive style to their communication is not making me very comfortable at all. The thing about woman with low self esteem is that depending on what the other party is intending, they can be proned to have their esteem played up by the other party, thus making them feel more comfortable towards him, and the distance naturally gets closer when she started revealing more emotional stuff, and then the consequence is up to anyone's imagination. A few months back, she almost fell into the grasp of the another person when the guy took advantage of her insecureness to make her feel closer. Obviously this was hidden from me and I confronted her after finding out accidentally. I have no solution to this except that you continue to make sure emotionally she is happy with you. I am currently in a very tricky situation as I am trying to balance my emotions between the worries and playing my part to be that emotional fulfilling partner. We just got married not too long ago and she is also currently pregnant which makes me having no choice but to stick around for the moment (I found out about the few months back incident only after we are married and she got pregnant).

I think it is easier to forgive but it will take a very long time to forget. And this type of wound is easily being stirred up and you realised it puts you back to the beginning of the recovery journey. My gf (now my wife) betrayed me a few months back. I used the word betrayed because she said it did not go all the way. She said she decided to cut ties after feeling herself swayed. I found out recently by coming accross some old emails of hers accidentally and the language the guy was using in the emails were quite descriptive although she insisted that it did not happened. During that time, I made the decison to forgive her because she was already pregnant with my child. Marriage plans have also been made. I accepted the fact that people make mistakes and for me, if she is ever to do it again then the whole relationship will be over. Although I have forgiven her and is able to continue to love her the usual way, I find myself getting very suspicious and a small incident can put you back to the starting point of the healing process. A few days ago, she received a call from a ex co-worker. She has left the job a month back but I know they still keep in touch (she sometimes left her mail client opened up and even without looking into the emails, the sender details and subject are able to tell). They spoke for more than an hour on the call. I was not very pleased about it because I feel that the guy was simply taking advantage of her friendliness to get closer with her. We had an argument after the call and she insisted to me that prior to the call, they had only communicated via email TWICE. The knowledge of her lying to cover up is very hurting. It made me question her motivation of telling the white lie... whether it is for her own motivation or not wanting to make me feel bad. Needless to say, this incident has put me back to the starting stage of the recovery process again. I tried to consider many factors... ending the marriage now will break many hearts, not only ours but esp people around who are close to us; and also she is currently carrying the baby as well. These few days I have been pondering a lot about what I should be doing.... I think ending the marriage is probably the best but I thought perhaps I should just hang around for a while since I am very sure that other than them talking well, there is nothing at this moment between her and the ex co-worker. To forgive is possible.... but the emotional baggage that comes along with it after that is a handful.... and it is going to take a period of "peace" to bring the mood back into balance.....

How long have both of you been together? Did anything took place before that eg. she attending some event etc, out on her own etc? Is this also the first time that has happened in your relationship? Not trying to be negative but a continuous period of such up-and-down behaviour usually means something not right in the relationship. It could be how she is feeling about the 2 of you; or there could be some external factors. Maybe you can elaborate more on her behaviour/body language during the period leading to the coldness.

Thanks to all for your reply. This was my first post on the other section if you wanted to read more about the background

According to her, the betrayal that took place did not go all the way although I was not sure. Anyway to me, an emotional betrayal is as bad as, if not worst than, a physical one since we all know the an emotional one could easily resulted in a point of no return. We spoke about her past relationships before and she claimed she has never cheated. The thing about her is that she is quite introvert so sometimes it is very hard to know what she is thinking. One thing I do know about her is that she lack a bit of self confidence. So sometimes perhaps to avoid getting me upset, she might tell some white lies to save the explanation. Without doubt, our chemistry has become stronger since I confronted her last week and the thing that I keep pondering on my own is whether if she is really for real or just putting in extra due to the guilt/trying to win my trust back. Sometimes I feel that I don't understand her so much.....

I have recently found out that my fiancee betrayed me sometimes back and have confronted her. We spoke, she asked for my forgiveness and gave me the assurance that mistakess will not repeat itself. I decided to forgive and move on as far as this matter is concerned. After this, she has been very loving and caring to me. She said so many times about how much she love me more now and also her respect for me having grown due to this incident. However I tend to take what she is giving with a pinch of salt (without her knowing) since in my mind, I am not sure if she means it with her sincerity or she is just putting up a mask for the time being to try to win my trust and heart back? She has this tendency to tell white lies and she is also quite an introvert. This forum has many contributors who gave good advises and I would like to hear some insight into my fiancee's behaviour. We have been together for 1 year and she is currently pregnant as well. Thanks in advance for your contributions!