Batya33

When I was dating you didn't push a button in the 80s and 90s but it was like that at bars -for the people who frequented bars and clubs as a way to meet people (and totally about instant gratification)-very visual by drunk people glancing your way and then away - and the world was extremely fast paced especially since you couldn't telework -so you were constantly rushing to the office and often doing face time late into the night. Not FaceTime -I mean being present in the office at 9pm in case your boss came by and needed something. Also we had personal ads in newspapers- how I met my first short lived fiancee situation and how a couple of my friends met their spouses.

My most difficult part -I started dating my husband in 2005 when I was 39, dated for 24 years while single and not in a relationship - was becoming the right person to find the right person and to stop getting in my own way of finding the excitement and joy of true love in a stable, committed marriage. Also growing a thick skin because I was out there working my behind off to be involved in environments, activities, etc where I could meet other singles or married people who could introduce me to single people. Of accepting "rejection" and getting up and brushing myself off after a number of bad/awful/bizarre first meets through online dating sites. I would not be married now if I had not crossed a crowded conference room on the morning of Halloween in the 1990s and greeted the new employee at the new employee breakfast. It took us many years including many of being totally apart to get our act together and get married but if I had not said hi to him and chatted with him and made him feel welcome when he knew nobody we'd most likely not have met. He was so very shy back then plus we worked for the same really large company but not together. He asked me out -we had a very traditional relationship -he courted me to the hilt. But I see so many people men and women hiding out, being passive, not being willing to chat with people in environments where you're supposed to, where it's expected -and not going to those environments where you're supposed to. There's so little need to do any random or creepy "cold" approaches or to be around drunk people to meet people -but it takes effort, time, aggravation, stress and you also have to be willing to go alone so that your friends who might flake on you or get to a singles event and want to leave after 15 minutes won't stop you from staying the course. Also the hardest thing is getting 100% clear on what is on your list of musts, sticking to that list, avoiding investing time in strangers online, not dating online but using dating sites to meet in person ASAP, and being clear on your goals - if it's just casual dating then to me online sites are often a waste of time, and if there's some notion or dream of the wedding reception to the exclusion of the actual marriage I would question as to whether the person really wants marriage or just a big party and to be the center of attention and do what all his friends seem to be doing. Those are tough questions to be honest about.

So the issue is that women who are active, who have a fun and fulfilling life, who are ambitious, passionate about their work and/or volunteer work, etc - they don't want to hope you will change, they don't want the burden of changing you -that's not fair- so on first impression they will be mighty suspicious that you want to do the things you say you would do if you had a girlfriend. Here are things I did by myself when I was single: volunteer work, hiking, gym, dance classes, book club, dinner club, club med singles resort (yes I went by myself, 4 times), singles events, religious events. I didn't passively wait to find a partner to do anything. I lived my life, I lived it actively. I lived it purposefully and with energy, ambition, passion. When my husband and I had our very first lunch date we were in our late 20s. One of the very first questions he asked me was why I chose to go into the line of work we both were in. I had a whole backstory that had started when I was 15 and did an internship. I asked him later why he asked me and he said -he wanted to date women who were ambitious and passionate about their work. He wanted that in common. If I'd said something like "my job is just a job - but when I meet someone special I'm sure I'll be motivated to pursue what I really want to do" I doubt he would have been excited to ask me out again. I dated a number of adult men who told me what their vague plans were in the future - I often was uncomfortable if there was no forward movement, no steps taken, no specific plan. One said he wanted to go to med school. He was in his early 30s. He hadn't applied, taken pre-med courses, etc -turned out he was saying it to get me to date him I guess. Another was unemployed temporarily which was fine but he was sitting around in his apartment day trading aimlessly. Another had plans to move out of his mom's house but had had these plans for a long time. First impressions count a lot. Adult women who have future goals don't want the burden of having to inspire or motivate you to get out of the house and do stuff.

You can start tomorrow. Find exercise videos online -you say you're computer savvy and/or do brisk walking outside including if possible hills/inclines for at least 20-30 minutes without stopping -you can even wear wrist weights if you like. You don't have to go to a gym to improve your health.

My husband and I broke up and got back together 7 plus years later -we'd been engaged that first time around. In between we each had serious relationships and each kept in touch with exes for a variety of reasons. When we got back together we were long distance for a large amount of time during the 3 years prior to getting married and having our son. In 2005 when we got back together he had a cell phone and a laptop and I had a laptop. I got a cell phone in 2009 and we got smartphones in 2015. Guess how many times I've checked his phone? Zero. Guess how many he's checked mine -zero. Same with all our personal devices -obviously not counting walking by and seeing a notification on his laptop of a work email -then I tell him he has a work email, etc. Why? Because we trust each other -always have. No cheating or inappropriate behavior. And yes we've stayed in touch with exes on and off. Trust completely. Why would you ever settle for less- hope you have some strong stomach/headache meds with all the sleuthing and ruminating you do. It's not worth it. Yes I think she dates others. Yes I think it's bizarrely ridiculous to put her phone on do not disturb to prove to you you have her undivided attention. You know how I give my husband my undivided attention? If my phone is out and he speaks to me and it's more than "where's that left over cauliflower" I put the phone down, look away from it and look at him. And listen to him. Then he knows he has my attention. He doesn't need me to prove it. Please stop settling for this fantasy-based nonsense.

I'd ignore the social media behavior and not over analyze. Also remember he chose to get drunk and send you suggestive messages while he was dating someone -do you have a strong stomach? -if you dated him wouldn't you be wondering who he was texting like that? My ex and I got back together after 7 plus years. We did this by being up front and direct -after seeing each other in person to catch up over dinner -twice - we realized there was still a spark -did not act on it until the third time when he asked me to get back together. Yes, there was some "hmmm is he interested" on my end at least those first two times but not because I was overanalyzing whether he clicked like on a post (hypothetical - neither of us was on social media at the time). Also we were both single, in stable situations in our lives, had not had baggage in the past involving cheating or drunken messages, and our conversation the third time left nothing to imagination - in three minutes he asked me to get back together, I said yes, and we discussed what we both wanted out of that (potential marriage and family). It's really that easy when two people are on the same wavelength and communicate in person and clearly -and sober- because people who want to be together want it to be 100% clear to avoid any misunderstandings and the other person potentially meeting someone else in the meanwhile. If you want to know for your ego if your ex still misses you -I mean - he might but clicking on something or following someone -anyone's guess whether he misses you or he's bored and distracting himself from having been fired. And if he does it doesn't mean he wants to be with you. I miss certain former friends and won't reach out because the downsides outweigh the benefits. Good luck.

What wonderful news and so validating!!!

She might have feelings for you, she might not. What you do know for sure is she is not interested in acting on any feelings by getting to know you as a person - she wants to limit her interactions with you to sexting and you have been accepting of that. How close a friend was she before this and how long were you close platonic friends. Friends don't have neutral connections - I have feelings about my friends. If I didn't they would not be my friend.

How many glasses of plain water do you drink daily - I do 10-11 at least. And I try to limit coffee and no soda/diet soda for the last several years. Are you perimenopausal or menopausal? I agree totally with getting a complete workup -it doesn't matter in the least if others have felt radiating body heat from different parts of their bodies. I know for example kids' feet can get hot when they have a temperature -it's a good way to check if there's no thermometer around. I'm not sure what sharing your sexual feelings when wearing a skirt had to do with your potential health and medical issue- many people like the feeling of cool air on skin depending on the situation.

I like what you wrote and how you put it!

I wouldn't think of it in this way at all. This has nothing to do with dating. You're contacting a former classmate you had a crush on. I'd reevaulate your expectations. What would I expect? Literally nothing. He might never check his messages, or he might read it quickly and not remember who you are, etc. If you're contacting him as a potential option of someone to date I wouldn't contact him or at least not with the "well there are other fish in the sea". He's not one of the fish.

It's normal. Just let that feeling exist just like if -let's say you craved a cupcake but knew you shouldn't have one for whatever reason -you wouldn't try to stop yourself from thinking about cupcakes you'd simply acknowledge the craving, react by deciding not to give it attention -and let it exist on the periphery until it faded away.

Agree with all the others- ask him out after you meet him in person and have an actual one on one conversation with him.

It's not about age -it's about how you're viewing it. These are strangers and is your goal to eventually find a romantic relationship? Then meet the stranger ASAP in person in a public place after a 15 or so minute phone call for safety screening -it was the number one safety tool I had and I avoided potentially harmful situations and many time wasters. If you are doing this for any other reason -to test the waters, your ego, to tell yourself you are "trying" to date -don't bother and don't waste other peoples' time You will push a man away -or a certain kind of man -if after you meet you ask him out more than once and call him too much/act needy. It's called common sense. Ask yourself if you truly want to do the work that it takes to set up a first meet, show up, look nice, be nice or if you are content with potential online flirting with strangers/chat buddies.

Online chatting is not dating and not related to dating -it's not pursuing. It's two people deciding whether to meet in person and then deciding whether to go on a date. It's like any interaction. I try to make platonic friends through my mom groups and other FAcebook groups related to my interests. I will not do all the work. I expect reciprocation. Three people in the last few weeks expressed interest in meeting me in person and/or keeping in touch. I left the ball in their court after I responded with enthusiasm. That's all. I'm not pursuing them and they are not pursuing me. My goal is to make new friends and to do that I expect reciprocal interest. It's no different with meeting a person with potential to date in the future. I'm not sure why it gets so gendered this early on and compared to dating -it's not dating at that point, at all and the dating "rules" don't apply and it's a big mistake IMO to focus on those rules when you're contacting strangers online.

I like Jibralta's input. Alternatively what I would do is send the following message - do a one sentence back story that is completely objective/bland like "Hi - I'm writing about the situation where I have been told I am not welcome back next year. I would like to write to you my perspective on the situation so that it might be useful for the next meeting. I'm also happy to have a phone call to discuss. I would really appreciate being able to share in some way the details of this situation. Please let me know what would work best for you. Thank you."

I initiated conversations in person and on dating sites with hundreds of men when I was dating. I suggested first meets too. I let the men ask me out on dates with rare exception. I cannot imagine why a woman would avoid talking to a man she was interested in. I can imagine why a woman would prefer the man do the asking out first. Talking is not pursuing. Especially online -you're strangers -men who talk to you onine are contacting a stranger. Men who suggest meeting in person soon after contact are very smart about dating -they want to date in person and they are not asking you out -they're suggesting a first meet to see if it makes sense to suggest an actual date. They are not courting you. Courting is when a man asks you out on a date he plans in advance after meeting you in person. Guess what -I approached my husband first. It was over 25 years ago and his first day of work and we were at a gathering for the new employees. I crossed the room to him and introduced myself. We chatted. Guess what -had I not done that I very likely wouldn't be a married mom now because he was extremely shy back then plus we worked at a very large company and never together. I'd stop pushing back the dating process to "tallking" or chatting with a stranger online. When I did online dating I did it to meet men in person. So I chatted with hundreds of men - some contacted me, some I contacted -then after exchanging one or two messages I suggested a phone call if he didn't. We talked on the phone and I screened for safety purposes mostly. At the end of the call if he didn't suggest meeting in person I did. If I saw potential. I let the men ask me out on dates. I met about 100 men in person through online sites when I was not in a serious relationship over about a 5 year period. I showed interest by flirting appropriately, showing up on time, looking nice and showing interest -I also did homework before the date if I knew his interests - read up on things as needed so I could have intelligent and interesting conversations. I never felt pursued or courted because a stranger messaged me, suggested meeting in person etc and frankly I rarely felt pursued if he asked me out on a date -courting -yes. Pursuing - typically no because I showed interest in him as a person and flirted so it was basically equal ground -no need for him to "pursue" when he knew I most likely would say yes. I have no issue with women asking men out. When I dated -from around 1979-2005 - I found it ineffective to ask men out on dates especially in the beginning if I wanted a potentially serious relationship and not just a fling. I rarely wanted a fling. I had no issue asking men out on dates and did so from time to time. Maybe it's changed -as far as what women want in a relationship (I wanted a traditional relationship and my husband -who was extremely shy when we first dated- managed to ask me out - as did other shy men -I wasn't a person who wanted to be in control as far as doing most of the asking out in the beginning - I did enjoy having that sort of role in my career and professional life). The men I dated and the men I was friendly with seemed fairly turned off -despite being flattered-by women who asked them out on dates. But again that was a long time ago and perhaps things have changed! Good luck! I know dating requires a thick skin.

I don't think it's black and white. Last night a distant cousin who I was friendly with as a teenager/early 20s (he's my age) reached out to me on Facebook -we're facebook friends but recently and exchanged some messages and family photos a couple of months ago. He'd been going through old photos and sent me one from the early 80s -we were at our cousin's formal event. It was a table photo and the only reason I was in that photo is I ended up spending my time at the event with him instead of my family. Because I had a crush on him! I am standing next to him in the photo and it brought back memories of course! I focused on those memories some, chuckled at how different he looks 40 years later or so (ok so do I), showed the photo to my husband and son (son said I looked bad-__ss" LOL) and filed away the little smile it brought to me. It's fun and great to think about that high school crush I had on him. We wrote snail mail letters to each other too for a couple of months back then. And we're both happily married. I bet we'd have a good conversation now too and I think it's highly unlikely I'd have anything resembling a crush on him even if we were both single. It's all about extent of focus, why the focus and what the goal is - not black and white at all.

Yes if he realizes he was rude and potentially scared someone it's nice to stop and perhaps apologize. We were scared! It was a good neighborhood but not full of pedestrians. During the day and all but still. He really was so sorry LOL - and it's sad but of course if the woman had been driving then even if I hadn't recognized her I wouldn't have been as scared-may even have stopped for a minute and realized I knew her -I could tell she was eye rolling a bit when she realized how her really nice husband freaked us out!

I've heard of it and experienced that many times over. Formal weddings are expensive and in the 40 years I've attended weddings and been of dating age most limit it to serious boyfriend/girlfriend where they know the couple and engaged, married. I found it unusual to be invited to bring a guest to a formal wedding. To one of the more informal gatherings -maybe. I went to weddings alone and often had a great time. I didn't have a big wedding so it was not an issue and there was no one who wasn't in a couple, anyway. What was extremely rude was years ago I had an unhappily single friend who would arrange birthday dinners for herself -where we all paid our own way and chipped in for her - and she limited it to no plus ones because she didn't want to be around couples on her bday. But she invited the guy who she had a crush on who wasn't that into her -and asked him not to bring the woman he'd started seeing. I think he stopped by. That was ridiculous. So if it is a situation where the party host is deliberately excluding significant others for some agenda or excluding a particular significant other that's a different situation.

I don't think it's courteous in the first place to call out to a stranger in that situation and ask for personal information no matter how attractive you think the person is. Several years ago my son and I were walking home and were about 10 blocks from our house. A man driving alone in a nice car called out to us. I instructed my young son to ignore (I wasn't sure what he said but sounded like a greeting or question) and it was very concerning for a short time because it seemed like he was still sort of following us, etc. About a month later I ran into him, his wife and young son in our elevator. He realized what had happened and explained to me that he'd seen us walking and was just greeting us (although forgot our names) -likely going to offer us a ride home! I had no idea it was him (obviously I didn't want to approach the car) -he didn't know our names and I knew his wife by sight much better -so I'd have recognized them as a family for sure. He did NOTHING wrong - at most a bit clueless because what mom with her young son is going to approach a strange man driving down the road who randomly calls out. My point is that a woman who is approached that way if she has common sense -is not going to react in any interactive way and probably shouldn't for safety reasons and it's unfair to concern or scare someone. My neighbor was sorry he'd done this as he saw that we were apprehensive.

I will mention one exception. There was one time I was invited to the wedding - ceremony and reception - my husband was in the wedding and I had actually helped organize the bachelorette luncheon for the bride who I barely knew at the time - but I wasn't invited to the rehearsal dinner because we were not (yet) engaged - I found this rude to be excluded from the dinner the night before especially since by then I knew the couple. But I went to the wedding. My husband also was unhappy with that arrangement.

Yes it is manageable if the person who has the issue that impedes daily functioning is taking responsibility for treating it whether through therapy, meds, a combination -some other method. It's not just about being unhappy or uncomfortable. Chemical depression can result in that person not being able to work, not being able to be part of child rearing or taking care of elderly parents, not being able to get out of bed, being abusive, etc. Of course there are many other reasons a relationship might have troubles. When it results from one person's mental illness and it's because that person cannot function normally in daily life, that often will be the end of the relationship unless that person chooses to take actions to improve their mental health so they can function in a relationship.

Many years ago I had a serious boyfriend but plus ones for weddings were only for engaged or married couples. Nothing to stick up for -they likely have a budget and/or want to keep it to a certain number of guests. How well do you know the couple? I think it's more than fine if he goes - you're not joined at the hip, right? Are you happy with being his girlfriend or would you prefer to be engaged or married right now?

When I see the advice to run it's almost always because the person with the disorder is not taking care of him or herself or self-medicating with alcohol, etc - it's not about "deserving" to have a romantic relationship or marriage -it's about whether the person is willing to do the work/put in the effort to have a healthful relationship with another person. My dad was bipolar and suffered from depression and was hospitalized. It made for an extremely difficult childhood. For my mom and his family he stayed on his meds, went to therapy and also went to the hopsital when needed although that was of course harder for him to accept. Had he not done those things I would have totally supported my mom in leaving him or not marrying him (she knew before they married -they were married 60 years before he died) I think people with disabilities deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. I don't think anyone deserves marriage or to be loved in the context of a romantic relationship. I don't think anyone should be in a relationship with anyone else out of a sense of obligation except parent-child I suppose. "I'm not comfortable/happy with this person but because he has a disability he deserves to be loved and I will be that person". Not a healthy perspective IMO.