Batya33

Exactly. Had I waited for the really charming and handsome (but completely not for me/not that into me) guy to turn his life around and be into me in June 2005 instead of ending our 3 month dating relationship I'd have missed the opportunity to reconnect with my future husband 4 weeks later when he wanted to meet platonically to catch up. I know myself and if "HE" had called or shown interest I'd likely have delayed meeting for dinner and/or gone but I'd have been waiting for Mr. Unavailable to call. But one night in June -another night where I waited for him to call, worried if he liked me enough - I took a firm stand with myself. I said -this is it -I am not worrying and losing another night's sleep over this guy. He is not that into me. I am into him but I have to cut the cord. Very shortly after that I did -and I admit what motivated me to act even faster was him showing me a scary side of himself on our next date. But that a ha moment -that's when I started looking out for other buses -I was almost 39. I was lucky to make myself available and I don't think I'd be a married mom now had I not.

If you found it fascinating you're too attached to this situation and I'd be careful about hanging around with him much. At most it's an ego thing from his end- he likes your flattering attention and how into him you are without having to put in effort. Much like his general attitude about his work prospects - he might now be pursuing a job but in general he is lackadaiscal in the ambition department but doesn't mind his parents paying attention to him or having potential employers show interest -but whether he does his part is anyone's guess.

Take it at face value. He does not want to date you and doesn't want a potential relationship with you. He likes hanging out with you in public. He finds you attractive but for whatever reason -could be the reason he told you, could be many other reasons -he doesn't see you as a potential match for romantic purposes. He is being honest about his boundaries. Decide if those are ok with you and don't indulge in "well he really likes me but he's too shy/scared/intimidated by my beauty" etc - take it at face value and don't proceed if you think you might want more than he is offering.

Yes. And the only one making it confusing is you. Either he's all in with enthusiasm consistent with actions -reliable, caring, thoughtful, consistent actions -or walk away and don't indulge in psychologically analyzing him or interacting with him when he's all over the place.

I'd quit the analysis - focus on his actions. He's flaky and unreliable and self-absorbed. Who cares why. Buh bye.

If it happened to me and he'd been lying about it/trying to cover it up I would be upset and lose trust. I would want to know if this was a one time thing. But I would know 100% that if I wanted to stay I had to choose either to accept his explanation -for me that would mean he was sorry it happened, that it never had happened again, that it would not happen again, and how he planned to make sure it would never happen again - and then I would decide whether his explanation made things right or better. But if I felt I had to go to the lengths he is going to I would choose to leave instead. Now if he said to me -with genuineness -look, I also can show you that this is the truth -meaning maybe he knew someone else who was there, maybe he had phone records around, whatever backup he offered -would I look at his offered backup? Maybe. But that's a far cry from going on this forensic PI expedition.

Unless you were looking to sell anyway and unless this is the best financial decision for you I wouldn't make such a huge financial commitment and change for a boyfriend. Do it for yourself if you were going to anyway. As far as your daughter I understand you want her to be happy for you but she is an adult and yes you're going to have to live your life for you. What is your boyfriend giving up in order to spend more time with you? Do you have plans to marry?

Lol. And even if so that’s for when people are dating. They are not.

I also include friends who do this as well, not just romantic relationships. I've been ghosted a few times by friends and it can be extremely hurtful. I experienced having to tell someone who reappeared why I wasn't interest in having them reappear as more than a very casual acquaintance - because even though it was awkward I wanted to be the person who responded instead of ghosting. It felt good, in response to "I've been thinking about you and was worried about you" (with no acknowledgement of the year plus long MIA/ghosting and after I responded to her vague text with "and yes we're fine and hope you and your family are too" ) - to write "what do you mean? you haven't been in touch in a long time." Yes, I wasn't going to ghost. Yes I wasn't comfortable allowing her to ignore her MIA behavior.

So it sounds like you changed the invitation to -only if you don't get the job -right? And he agreed. So both of you are showing your kinda lukewarm interest. It's confusing to me why it matters -it's just a movie. Not even in a theater- no tickets. So who cares if he's leaving town the next week? I think he agreed because it gave him an easy out. I'm sorry. I invited a new acquaintance last week to meet for coffee. We'd messaged a few times and now we met because she teaches at my son's new school. Her reply was she likes to get home ASAP to beat the traffic after school --and she's sure we'll see each other on campus. So her counteroffer was basically that she doesn't want to commit to making a plan, she didn't offer to see if another time would work or if I'd be willing to travel to where she is (she knows I don't live that far) and that was my signal to respond politely "great -I totally understand! - look forward to seeing you on campus". Not going to bother pursuing to clarify that she's not "that" into making a plan or getting to know me in person.

At the risk of turning into a discussion -this is just a clarifying question from someone who can relate a lot -is this also about turning off the sort of tape in your head that is preparing the next thing you're going to say in a conversation so that you can actually hear what the person is saying -and maybe even pausing a bit longer before responding?

So I would modify this because I know when I was post partum I was so wildly exhausted and hormonal, etc I mean - no way. But sometimes if you start slow -cuddle, be affectionate, etc then it can revive those sexy feelings even if it didn't start out that way. I think it's really important that your partner know it might not include having sex but honestly in that situation he likely shouldn't have those sorts of expectations especially since the baby can wake up and need attention, etc

Humility helps. By this I mean if you intend to treat others with thoughtfulness and respect and you realize that as we all do you are tempted to react impulsively in a short tempered way then humility - knowing you too are vulnerable to stress and frustration and at risk of acting thoughtlessly or rudely etc - will aid mindfulness. With the humility perspective you will more likely choose to pause or stop before reacting and to choose then whether it’s best to respond later when you’re feeling more centered or to respond briefly from a place of basic politeness and promise yourself to address the situation more later, as needed, once you are calmer.

Wow - great point - obviously I was too caught up in the paperwork and it's really not the point, is it.

If he actually gets the phone bill and she sees that he did and sees him reviewing it I think reconnecting for more than short term -meaning till the next real or imagined situation comes up where he has to take her at her word- is highly unlikely. What he's doing seems motivated more to punish and show his power than to be close. He will be "right" but he will impair any future closeness if she is a person with normal self esteem. If my husband happened to see an email from my ex boyfriend from the mid 90s (the last one I received was about three years ago) - he would find nothing in that email or any emails we exchanged through the Linkedin site to rouse an ounce of suspicion. But no I didn't tell him that he'd emailed me a couple of times over a couple of years and I didn't tell him that we caught up on impersonal details - how his kids were, his wife (who had cancer-so I inquired about her health), his job situation. I made sure the conversation stuck to appropriate topics, we emailed a few times, and then a year or so later he checked in again. Nothing in the last 3 years. I've never initiated contact nor would I nor do I wish to. My husband would not mistrust me about it but it might annoy him - I don't need to know if an ex has reached out to him in this manner nor do I ask - and he doesn't ask me. We trust each other and neither of us has ever cheated not even close. I know I'm 100% trustworthy and my husband has stayed in touch with exes in this similar way. But if he insisted -if he saw one of the emails -and insisted on reading all the linkedin emails from the last 5 years I'd be livid with him if he didn't believe me that it was 100% appropriate. I'd let him -nothing to hide -but my belief in our marriage would be tainted quite a bit.

I never did the "you're a great guy" nor did I like hearing from a new person how "amazing" I was. I would say or write depending: "Thanks so much for meeting up to [activity]. I'll have to decline your offer to get together again because I don't think we have enough in common for it to make sense to see each other again. I wish you the best -take care!" Related example. Last week I met a woman at my son's new school in person for the first time. In fact she sought me out to meet me. We'd messaged via FB while I was trying to decide on applying to the school and she, a teacher there, was so nice and helpful. She is not a teacher in my son's grade and will have no teacher like interaction with him or any most likely. I felt like we clicked friendship wise so I messaged her to offer to meet her for coffee after school one day. She replied very graciously, said that she tries to leave school ASAP to avoid the traffic and commute to her home and said we'd probably see each other around on campus. There is my answer. She is not that interested in getting to know me. If she were she'd have at least offered a way to meet that was not after school or asked if I am ever available to come to her neighborhood (which is not that far -she could have at least suggested it). I didn't need it spelled out for me that she's not that interested in getting to know me as a friend. I feel fine about it and also would never pursue it -so I replied "Thanks, my [son] had a good first week and I totally understand!" Now maybe she meant that she could never meet at the times I suggested but my point is -I default to "if they were really interested they would make an alternative suggestion." This is how I interpreted men who either didn't call at all (then I wouldn't -no they weren't too "shy" -and I always showed interest on a first meet or date if I was) and if the response was anything other than enthusiastically trying to make a specific plan for another date then we were done. Waste of time to pursue or feel out whether they really meant they weren't interested or were really too "busy". This is why I think it's ok to write what I suggested - typical people will get the hint.

I would want answers. And if I thought the only way to get answers was to be or hire a private investigator I'd only do that as part of divorce proceedings. There are some things that if you can't accept the person's word then the issue is the relationship is over, not that the bandaid of phone records will help. It's not about the number of years or that it was likely not sex.

But taking the lawyer/court/judge approach will damage your relationship so much. And it won't put it behind you because records from that long ago may not have all the info you're seeking. And then what? Either you trust her without this "proof" or you don't because part of marriage is taking people at their word. If you can't I'd consider counseling and/or leaving -the latter of which would be so awful for the children you decided to have together.

What is your understanding as a couple as far as having friends of the opposite gender? Have you ever accused her before of crossing lines? Many years ago I dated a guy for about two months. I was late 30s/he early 40s -never married, etc. We were not exclusive yet. I'd mentioned to him offhandedly that I had to go to a lot of networking events for work and it wasn't my favorite always especially after a long day of work. One night we were out and I opened my main purse compartment. He peered in and saw a couple of business cards. He said something like "I thought you said you didn't like networking" -meaning "why would you have all these business cards if you don't like networking/must mean you're trying to meet other guys" (yes this is exactly what he meant). That for me was the beginning of the end. Once I was "accused" of having been untruthful plus pursuing other men (which I could have been doing anyway- we were not exclusive) - alarm bells went off. I did hang in there a few more weeks but building up trust is a nonstarter when that is the attitude. Think about it.

Texting isn't talking. It's typing and you don't know if the technology means he is actually on his phone or available to text you. When I was serious with someone and long distance we spoke once a day-usually at night -for around 20-30 minutes. We e-mailed a bit during the day. I didn't have a cell phone. He had a flip phone and didn't text. Ask him how often he wants to talk by phone. Not text.

Yes so here is how I would put it. With "I" statements. I just went through a pregancy and birth. My body is still recovering and I am very tired caring for a newborn. Google fourth trimester. My body is nursing (if you are) my body is still attached to our child because I am overjoyed to hold him and cuddle him and walk around with him to help him sleep and it means my body is not my own to shower when I want, pee when I want, take a sip of water or eat something when I want. So doing more with my body right now doesn't feel good or comfortable. I know in a couple of months things willl settle in more. I plan to get back to exercising and I am trying to eat right so I can regain energy. Just hang in there with me, ok?" Maybe also get him a book on the subject (and for you the book Strong as a Mother is supposed to be really good). Also -are there plans to marry? If not why not? Are you happy in general with your choice to become parents?

I'm sorry I also didn't write above that I am very sorry for your loss.

Such great news!!! Good work!!!

Agree with Rose and Reinvent. Also I realize I don't have all the info but wow -he has 3 children by two women and you two got pregnant this fast and on top of that without any formal commitment?

Do you have or have you had close platonic relationships with women? Also I had no problem getting attention as far as offers for first dates, first meets. That's a far cry from how very hard it is to find the right person especially in one's 30s -assuming there is no desire to settle. (If I'd settled I'd have been married at age 23.)