Batya33

Oh that's really too bad. I never push therapy. That would be silly. Never seen anyone push therapy on this forum in all my years. I have seen many people ask for advice but in reality they want to vent and be validated at how awful a place the world is, how society is causing all their problems, etc. Certainly never give money to someone who would pretend to care in exchange for money. I never thought of therapists as caring in that sense. They are professionals providing a service in exchange for money. I would hope they care greatly about doing the very best by each of their clients and working as hard as they can to provide the best service possible. Similar to other professionals like massage therapists, electricians, lawyers, accountants, nurse practitioners, etc.

Oh I don't know any such thing nor have I seen anyone else on this thread even suggest that. What an odd comment!!!. I see what your agenda is though in "asking for advice." So I'm out and good luck as I wrote above.

No you confirmed that you missed the point. Or perhaps you are choosing to miss the point because it's easier than making an effort. All the best and good luck to you.

I think you're making a lot of assumptions here. Female therapists are not necessarily going to be less intimidating. It's an individual thing but also a professional thing - a person who is let's say very assertive in real life might choose to modify approaches/behavior for his or her professional life that includes interacting with clients or customers. Especially therapists. Whoever would tell you a therapist can change human nature or external reality? I'd never ever go to any professional who had those sorts of claims. My financial advisor who is a professional with decades of experience called me for my annual review of my portfolio. We talked candidly about how I was doing given inflation, all that is going on. It's like me saying to him "who cares about inflation - you're the professional and you're supposed to transform my portfolio into something that is growing at X percent despite inflation -who cares if I'm doing better than average under the circumstances -you're supposed to change external reality or you're not doing your job!" No - he works with realistic perspectives. So do therapists I suppose (I am not one, do not have one, know and know of many). A therapist cannot transform anyone. A therapist cannot promise that his or her patient will become a "functioning member of society" (is that even a thing -with a professional definition? Doubt it). A therapist can be a facilitator -using his or her professional experience, background, tools, to guide his or her patient to making different choices, perhaps shifting his or her perspective and that therapist is not related to or friends with the patient so there's also professional objectivity. The patient does the work. With the therapist as his/her guide, facilitator, perhaps even sounding board at times. I have friends who have children with autism -who are on the spectrum and with the guidance of various types of therapists I've seen these children grow into older kids/teenagers who have skills -including social skills -that help them function and better than function. For example. My father suffered from bipolar depression most of his life. He married my mother who is an awesomely incredible human being, had a successful career, raised two children and a cat, and a big part of this is he committed to seeing a therapist most of his life and also committed to a medication regimen. He was a "functioning member of society" despite his immense challenges. He didn't date much because he met my mom when he was 19 but he had friends and tried his best to be a good husband and father. His best -meaning far from perfect -it was really difficult at times. But yes it is more than possible. Good luck and I hope you stop getting in your own way. I got in my own way for years in other ways and was just darn lucky to wake up and smell the coffee before it was too late to meet my personal goals of marriage and family.

Sorry you took it as reprimanding. Not how it was intended. I've seen in my life many people take a self-deprecating/lighthearted approach to try to deflect. That was my observation. My father had bipolar disorder for most of his life. From teenager to when he passed away in his 80s. He was married for 60 years to my mother and together more than that. He never ever justified his reactions or choices by saying it was because he had this disorder. He complied with medication and therapy so he could do the very best he could by us. He could have used it as an excuse to cheat or behave inappropriately - "oh I was off my meds" or "oh because i was depressed I drank too much and behaved in this way" etc etc. He never did. He hated all the meds etc and he did it for us -for his love and commitment to my mother and his family. ADHD is real. It never justifies a person treating another person disrespectfully or worse IMO. Yes if he was a young child or a person with a disorder where he didn't know right from wrong, etc - but that's not him. You say he has all these female friends- especially with women he would have none of them if he treated them rudely or was regularly flaky etc. You are typing words here. Of course if you pepper what you write with LOL that might affect the impression you give. IMO. Good luck to you and it sounds like you want to give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt so you can stay in this relationship. We all make choices -only you can decide whether it's ok with you or whether you are settling. I settled in other ways -and I can relate to the desire to settle as opposed to the alternatives. I'm glad I stopped settling. Perhaps you'll go through a similar analysis. Or not.

OK here's the thing -cut out the LOL stuff if you actually are serious about this situation. Do you find yourself doing that -dismissing your own concerns, second-guessing the seriousness? I understand he might want to catch up with her -I can relate- without you there -the dynamic would be off. But the set up of this meeting, his taking pains with how he dressed, looked ,etc it triggered your concern and discomfort and you're making excuses based on his ADHD too . What is so funny about this? If it's that funny then dismiss your concerns and treat the whole relationship as lol -meaning, casual, with no real future.

I agree because this one on one time is very date-like and you are not included. I think it's fine in a relationship to have platonic friends and spend one on one time. Not ok to do date-like activities or play with fire. I met my guy friend for lunch twice when he was in town. Alone. My husband was not able to come (and one time the guy friend invited another woman friend of his so it was actually 3 of us). I'd never dated this person although we actually met via a dating site, decided not to meet (because of distance) and met when he came to my new town in order to meet another woman -who came along too! My husband was fine with it that time as well He was invited, there was only platonic interest, this person is 100% supportive that I am happily married. And he ended up helping us with IT issues as well so my husband chats with him /emails regularly. So yes it can work just fine and be perfectly appropriate. I have had other platonic male friends and my husband has had platonic female friends. We've never ever cheated on each other not even close, never had any trust issues whatsoever, we've never gone on "dates" with our platonic friends and we've each at least given the other person the opportunity to meet our friends. It's not a set in stone black and white issue. It depends on the couple. Your boyfriend IMO is behaving inappropriately. ADHD has nothing to do with it -he has the choice to act and react appropriately and consistently with being in a serious, committed relationship. He wasn't doing so in this situation.

I don't think that's typical. I think what is typical is that someone whose values justify cheating keep their options open -whether overtly or a little bit subconsciously and often it's not someone "better" in any objective sense - very often it's simply someone who pays attention to the person who already is unhappy and who believes it's ok to cheat rather than end things with their partner first if unhappy. Yes sometimes the person is a better match (which doesn't mean the person is better looking -often has zero to do with it) - but I don't buy the "I never imagined cheating on my partner until he came along." Most of the time that's a load of whatever.

That has way more to do with her using her vegetarian excuse to be intimidating and condescending and rude -to be able to vent in the name of "ethics" than actually caring about how animals are treated. Reminds me of a former friend who insisted that she cared more about animals than I did because she was a vegetarian.

I think a lot of what is ethical is subjective. For example is it ethical to have dinner with someone in a restaurant that serves all sorts of food and imply that what the person is doing is unethical (by eating meat or non-vegan products) so that while the person is eating it's in a tense, stressful environment? I've seen people believe a lot more in causes than in treating individuals with respect -not just causes related to how animals are treated. I tend to prefer people -and feel more comfortable around people - who prioritize treating individuals with respect over being all about whatever cause it is. If being around this person when he is consuming meat or dairy products is going to repulse you I guess you can avoid being in situations like that and also avoid topics of hunting but on the other side of it I'd also avoid discussion of your food choices since for you they are not just about your personal preference but also about values you think this person doesn't share in.

Understand if you are with him when he treats others rudely or worse you may be swept up in any confrontation that results even though you're just "with him".

Please consider him to be a stranger for romantic purposes and safety purposes. If you must meet him get a hotel, do not tell him where it is, meet him in a public place for an hour or two during the day with no alcohol and arrange for your own transportation there and back Then repeat this if you have a nice time -all public -and do this at least 3 times over more than 3 days. At that point if you are getting good vibes then if you want to spend a bit more time with him fine - plan for another trip within a month maybe where he visits you and again gets his own hotel room -spend some more time with him, let him meet maybe a family member or friend. If this is not something you can do then don't meet him at all. If he is not ok with dating you properly in public over time, do not meet him at all. Your typing and talking are irrelevant here - he is a stranger.

But if my husband was a top priority I chose my son to prioritize -meaning not dragging him on a plane to a hotel and potentially to a funeral he was too young to attend. Anyway I get it. Look your friend has to find his own words, his own backbone. Look up the lyrics to this famous song from The Most Happy Fella -"I made a fist" about a man who discovers his backbone. Look your friend made a choice not to rock the boat. I'd stay out of it unless he asks you for advice. I once listened to a friend vent on and on about how her boyfriend was taking her for granted. I don't remember telling her to break up with him but I validated her - that his treatment was disrespectful, uncaring, etc. Well he proposed she said yes and I was dumped as a friend - she very obviously didn't want to be around someone who knew all the dirty laundry.

Yes this. Order seltzer with cranberry juice and a twist of lime so it looks like a drink. If you have to wear a bathing suit wear a coverup. Promise yourself you will talk to at least 5 people. Leave as soon as it's ok and appropriate to leave. I went to an unsafe covid-wise event last month at my office because it was a really important retirement related event and showing up meant a lot to the person retiring. I was seen, I made sure I spoke to a number of people, and I stayed for the most important part. My reasons for not wanting to go was the time it would take to get there but mostly I was concerned about covid and felt awkward as it was my first time in person since 2020. I am so thrilled I went. I met some very nice and very very important people, reconnected with others and the person retiring really appreciated that I came even though well over 100 people were there.

Around 9 years ago my mother in law died after a long illness. I spent a lot of time with her in hospice and loved her very much. About 6 weeks before she died we went back home about 800 miles away. Our son was 4. My husband continued to travel back and forth to spend time with her and his father. When she died he had to leave for the airport that night to go be with his father. The funeral would be in a few days. He didn't want me to come then because he had to make all the arrangements, help his father. He knew if I came to the funeral a couple of days later I'd have to fly alone with our son -which I'd never done -and would have no help once I arrived there (my parents were too elderly to be able to babysit, etc) and would have to stay at a hotel with our son for a week. His father said that I shouldn't attend because it would be too hard with my son - my husband said that based on what his father said he also didn't want me to go to all that significant trouble to be able to go given our son. We also weren't sure if our son was ready to attend a funeral. I tell you this because I did want to go. I did want to be there in person. And if they had asked me I would have. But I knew I wouldn't be able to be supportive given child care and our child might be more of a disruption than a real support. I had one close friend who judge me for this -she said -who cares, pack up a bag tonight and go and be with your husband. She had kids. Obviously with a 4 year old it's not that simple to just pack a bag. So you know there will always be those who judge. And judge without all the information available. I wrote a eulogy for my mother in law which my husband read. I watched the funeral from the website. I supported my husband when he came back and supported him by solo parenting when he had to keep returning there to help his father. But yet my close friend thought as a wife I was obligated to be there and should have moved mountains to be there whether or not it was going to be really hard with our young child. It hurt that she judged me that way. Please take that into consideration before you express your concerns to your friend or imply that he is going down the doormat path. I don't love that she posted the photos of the wedding but social media is rife with these kind of "breaches."

Just -personally -I don't relate to this theme you describe of a woman cheating on her boyfriend for someone who is "better" at sex - how does that even work -so the unsatisfied woman goes out trolling for a guy who she thinks would be better at sex and tests him out? For me personally sexual satisfaction was intertwined with the chemistry, passion, and our commitment and love -not technique. Not looks either - chemistry which is not the same as looks. I felt the most satisfied when I was engaged to be married and when we were trying to conceive -that was really fun, too most of the time. So this whole theme of a woman seeking other partners because she thinks someone else might be better looking? Better at sex? That's really odd IMHO -not a real life scenario.

I think in general there's more than enough focus on people's physical features and especially the really silly assumption that women want to be complimented by strangers on their physical features. I try to be more specific in my compliments and less focused on physical features -so I might compliment a child's smile, or someone's fashion accessory or sneakers, or politeness/manners/thoughtfulness than some general comment about handsome or beautiful.

Yes- it's not about being open minded just about being thoughtfully-minded. For example I know people who are very focused on a certain breed of dog. I most likely would not go to someone's home if they had that breed of dog and the dog would be in their home nor would I let my son be around that breed of dog in someone's home. But I would never suggest that someone do as I do. And I would if possible avoid commenting on my issue with that breed of dog so as to remain polite. For example if the friend who owns the dog wanted to meet us outside of their home. I had to limit my friendship with certain dog owners because we only could meet for a short amount of time if they would have to leave their dog alone at home or they would have to bring the dog which would mean being outdoors even in bad weather/only go to restaurants where we could eat outside. I don't agree with that sort of prioritizing unless the dog is sick. But I am able to accommodate their priorities to an extent. Those are not values that offend me but they are values that impede our ability to see each other and perhaps our ability to be close. It's a degree thing. One time I went out of my way to research vegetarian restaurants in my city so my friend who agreed to come into the city to meet me (because my city was really fun and she grew up there) could enjoy a meal given her choice to be vegetarian. She canceled last minute and didn't try to reschedule. Cumulatively, it annoyed me even more because I'd gone out of my way to accommodate her values.

Yes, I thought so too immediately. The porn is the least of it - is it just that it's easier for you to label the issue that way instead of what's really going on here? I'm sorry too!!

I don't think it's a general question but really specific. For example, I stopped developing a friendship with a woman who lied to me about being an ex-con (white collar -and yes since she asked me for a specific favor her omitting this was not cool at all) and then committed the same type of crime as a mod for a parenting facebook group I am on a couple of years ago -I didn't unfriend her (she was removed as a mod) and she served time and is trying to better herself but I've decided to keep my distance. But other women have not as I see how they post to her and continue to be close with her. So for me personally I can't be close friends with someone who committed the crimes she did and hurt people including me (luckily I wasn't a victim of her scam but could have been, easily) but apparently others can. I don't judge them for their choices. I've refrained from eating meat in front of vegan friends who are vegan for ethical reasons (I have a good friend who is vegan and it's for health reasons only-her personal health reasons). I would not be ok at all being judged by that person for my decision to eat meat or to serve my family meat. Just like I would not be ok being judged for my decision -completely hypothetical - that I would have had an abortion under certain very narrow circumstances - it's analogous since that decision involves, to some, taking a life, right? So with my example we can easily avoid discussing hot button issues and it's easier than the diet thing because many friends eat together, etc. Just saying from my end of things - I've been in situations where people try to give me unsolicited advice about food -might be about meat, or processed food, or the various keto/paleo/drink your calories diets (no I don't need to be on any diet at all - that does not stop a number of people from imposing their dietary beliefs on others-especially if they make a commission doing so). I never ever do that. My mother is allowed to do that to me LOL, I'm allowed to do that to my minor child (and even that I limit as much as possible) - but to a friend - no, I don't judge, I don't comment about food choices -it's a sensitive area in my life over time and I think it is for many others. I get that you have ethical reasons for eating as you do. I respect you completely for your choices but if you're going to feel that uncomfortable that your friend eats meat and hunts then I'm not sure you can be a real friend to him. Other people in your shoes might be able to -take a good hard look at the degree to which it bothers you -it's not an easy decision I know!!

Your post struck a chord in me because I could relate deeply from your end. I was single until my early 40s but had close friends of all "statuses" -meaning married, single, children/no kids, men, women. I've continued that and have been a married mom for 13 years. A number of my friends were from elementary school/high school too. And a few like you describe. And it's painful because there is that long history! Also even if Miss Busy/Women are Negative/Draining actually made a plan to see you I bet she'd find an excuse to flake. So don't bother. I too would let it fade out. I am really impressed you were so open with her about what was concerning you -good for you!! Given the history I wouldn't rule out resuming the friendship if she contacts you in the future and seems to have changed and wanted to change. I've seen that happen, too in my life and others. I'm sorry for this situation -I bet it sort of feels like a breakup.

I stand by my suggestions whether or not you work at a physically demanding job because I was focused on the mental health benefits. From your dismissive comments I see you are trying to deflect and focus on venting as opposed to taking some responsibility for your choices. I am sorry you were mislead by your provider. I don't have the cynical attitude you do but when it comes to insurance coverage I always reconfirm.

If it were just the friends issue I would do it -I once had a second date as a superbowl party at his friend's house - and Poorlittlefish made a really good point that he needed to reschedule because of you being too busy. Since you started the sex type talk I am less concerned that he took your lead -and I am confused as to why you would be concerned if he tried to initiate sex -he might think you're interested in that sort of thing based on your choices and behavior.

Oh ok -and you are never supervising them alone, right?

I don't see it that way especially the last paragraph. I am friendly with exes as is my husband. My ex boyfriend took a photo of me in a park which my mom has framed in her home. I mentioned this. My husband might or might know who took the photo and it really doesn't matter. Staying in touch with an ex has nothing to do with this situation -she chose to have her ex boyfriend take sexy pictures. That's not just staying in touch. Or being friendly. She wanted to give him a gift that revolved around her -that is what she wrote. That means she likes being the center of attention on her physical/sexual features. That's fine in appropriate settings. She prioritized wanting to give him a gift that revolved around her over his feelings. I mean isn't a gift usually something that focuses on the other person? I've given my husband photos as presents -either they include him in the photo or maybe me and our son.