Batya33

Like a promise ring right? When I was in high school the thing guys gave their serious girlfriends was an ankle bracelet but on a long chain you wore around your neck -wasn't "pre engaged" but in that vein. I had one from my HS sweetheart.

Nothing at all to do with your anxiety disorder. Even if you did not have these concerns he is acting creepy and offensively. How dare a stranger deign to tell you what you have to accept especially when it comes to sexual messages. I think you should date when you feel ready to be ok kissing someone and being physically affectionate within the first couple of dates or so -in general. I don't think it's fair to burden a new person with the sorts of restrictions you described. It's in the nature of extreme and most people who want a potentially serious relationship would be willing to wait in general till the other person wants to kiss, hug, touch, cuddle - but not so willing to wait because otherwise to you it will feel like assault. I've kissed guys before I was entirely ready and I did not enjoy it. It did not make me anxious or feel like an assault. I've also kissed guys and realized the chemistry was lacking. It was disappointing but nothing extreme. I think the men who would be willing to wait to avoid you freaking out or panicking are not the sort of men who likely are suitable for more than a couple of dates or they enjoy the thrill of the chase.

Dating and potential relationships are hard enough without all this drama. I'd steer clear. Tell her when she's single and ready to date she knows where to find you. Good luck!

I don't think it matters when you know in general you want to be married -or if you never know -or if you don't know till you meet the right person who triggers that desire. It's all good including the decision not to marry. I so love what your brother shared!

Definitely ask her out in person. I volunteered for years at a homeless shelter and for about a year or so a guy also volunteered. Around my age. We went the same direction after so a few times we walked to the bus stop together and a few times we chatted during the hour or so we were there. Nice person. I would have gone on a date with him had I been available. I wasn't and definitely mentioned my boyfriend and did not flirt. I was surprised he still seemed to be "pursuing" me but I simply stayed friendly. He stopped likely because he met his future wife! But -point is -yes if I'd been single I'd have been open to seeing him one on one. I mean I wasn't insanely attracted to him but sure I'd have given it a chance! So give it a chance!

Is it possible she is suffering from depression?

I'm glad you feel enthusiastic! We have very different perspectives on the subject it seems and I respect yours! I think there are very wrong ways to go about meeting men through online sites based on my 5 plus years online plus written personal ads. Like- not meeting asap, meeting someone who lied about his age or relationship or marital or education status, meeting someone who isn't sure about wanting marriage or kids if you are sure you eventually want one, meeting someone who is separated or newly divorced. Meeting in a private place and/or getting drunk with someone you do not know well. I think it's rare for a man in his 30s and beyond to change his mind about his general values and goals. Many people change their minds about a specific person. I changed my mind about wanting to marry my boyfriend -he'd finished grad school, I was in the middle. I'd been head over heels for him for a long long time and we were in our 20s. I changed my mind because I felt something very distant and cold about him over time- felt like I'd be lonely married to him despite awesome sex and chemistry. Couldn't figure out why. Ended things the night he proposed marriage (huge surprise!). Found out why almost 10 years later when he told me that, a year or so after we broke up he realized he couldn't be in denial anymore. By that time he'd been with his future husband about 5 years. They've been married as long as I have -we each married our right man the same year! So yes in a sense we both changed our minds a great deal -and I guess he changed his in a very general (genderal??) way. Almost all the men I knew and met and knew of when we were in our 30s who knew they wanted marriage and family didn't all end up getting married but believed they still wanted it. I knew by age 14 or earlier that in general I wanted to be a married mom. Never ever changed and still hasn't 42 years later. I don't know if I would remarry if, heaven forbid, something happened to my husband. So yes if you date men who are divorced or widowed some may be sort of done with the whole marriage thing even if pre-marriage they wanted marriage.

I checked off the marriage box and I believe my profile said I am looking for marriage and family. If you are not that's fine and please go to the next profile." I got many messages. Some didn't read my profile but most did. Yes -be direct about your goals and intentions. A person that scares off is not for you. Scary is talking about marriage with that person specifically too early. That comes across as overeager/desperate IMO. I'll share an example. A man I know in his early 30s is getting married this weekend. I read their "story" on their wedding registry. He is handsome and his wife is beautiful -she could model. Same age-ish as him. Apparently she moved here to our city a couple of years ago. her boss's husband knew of the groom (the son of a friend of his) and wanted to set them up. Apparently the "groom" said he would love to meet her but only if she was serious minded -he was looking for marriage. This was conveyed and they met. And from all I can tell from their few year courtship they're happy and do a lot of fun stuff together. Apparently his full on "I want marriage" was just the thing. Because apparently this is what she wanted too -so why would that be overwhelming?

I would stop contacting her to see if you should visit. Figure out what she needs in the way of food, services, what she likes -treats, etc - and where it's harder for her to get those things and call her and say "guess what I found your favorite coffee at ____ - I'd love to drop it off for you but wanted to make sure you were home first -how does [day/time] sound?" Then do the drop off and if you're invited to stay, do so. Also showing up is 80% - show up, look pleasant and approachable at lunch and make good eye contact. So if your mom has to repeat what you said -ok it can be annoying but do it. My mom is 87. She lives alone. She has tons of friends and acquaintances especially over the last 6 years when she stopped being my dad's main caregiver. She is in local senior citizen groups, now attends religious services and meals with one of the women in the group, goes to lectures at local libraries, goes out to eat etc (all walking or her friend will drive -she does not drive). She's met many new people over the last years and has lifelong friends too who live a distance away (unfortunately more than a few have passed). She's close with my sister and me, and keeps up with her grandchildren and great grandchildren. When she got to see my son this summer I mean they were thick as thieves -they reconnected since they hadn't seen each other in 2 years (covid) and you bet they bonded -nothing to grow -they just clicked -nothing forced. He helped her by holding her elbow while we walked at times, helped her make breakfast, etc. They had a blast. She repeats herself more these days but it's fine -my son who is 13 recognizes she is in her 80s and slowing down a tad and he gets that she's not going to dash around like a teenager. You have to meet a person where he or she is, whatever age. She meets him where he is, too. Do small and large kindnesses for her. Find out what local senior citizen activities there are -offer to take her to one and drive her back or arrange for a car service. And I know you have trouble with timeliness - I mean she's in her 80s. Be on time for her - like I said 80% is showing up and especially older people -who somehow made it places on time with no smartphone -imagine that - can notice that a whole lot more. If someone is a half hour late for me even if they "call" it's not ok more than once unless I get the call before I leave, unless I can fill in that time with an errand or work etc - emergencies are fine -those are exceptions -so are tentative plans or tentative time range -then I can plan in advance. Maybe your nana doesn't want to be more open around you because she's seeing you as unreliable -and it's a vulnerable feeling when you're older - like if you made a plan to see her one on one and were "running late" by a half hour - she's likely not to have a smartphone to call you and find out why.

I think 6 weeks is such early times- like I wrote above -even if you've known him a long time it's not in the context of a serious relationship. Since you do know him well the benefit I see is that over the next month or two have a frank discussion about your intentions in dating - make sure you're dating each other for the same reasons, that you're on the same wavelength. I think it's easier to do so with someone you know.

I think it depends on whether it's bad timing based on logistics or emotional/personal growth. For me it was the wrong time from an emotional and personal growth perspective - on both sides. I had to become the right person to find the right person. He made changes and grew in self-confidence in the 7-8 years we were apart in our 30s like pursuing his real dream career and also actually being in two serious relationships (he had one longis term relationship before me but it wasn't that deep emotionally). I also changed my outlook, mindset, perspective and felt and looked more attractive (yes it mattered to me). But timing based on too busy/career/education/geography - with rare exception I agree (except for teenagers who can't control where they live often etc - or just do not have the $ to get engaged/marry at that point). Sometimes it's just obvious - if someone has to relocate across the globe for a family emergency someone he just met likely won't go with him and that is an issue of bad timing. I think for the OP he may not be ready to meet the right person and is focusing on all the logistical challenges a bit too much. It's not an exact science!

I really like -for your sake but also generally! -that you have known him for a long time. Romantic involvement is quite different -meaning in a serious relationship not just hooking up after being friends - so yes because you are looking to the former-a potentially serious relationship - you may very well learn new things about him, his character, values, integrity - certainly you may learn even more special things about him I don't assume negative. Look we all open up at our own pace. There's such a huge range between naive/too trusting on the one hand and closed off/jaded/cynical on the other and there's no one size fits all for all individuals we may become closer with (even platonic, right?) But - as an aside -I love salmon. I hate cooking it because I'm too focused on is it done enough (i.e. food poisoning risks make me a bit nuts) - and so when I have prepared it inevitably it's too done. Sigh. So I stick to canned salmon mixed with hardboiled egg, avocado, and mayo. Pretty darn sublime. And I order grilled salmon or broiled out most often. So please don't be hard on yourself as to whether Foodie will like the salmon. I think he sounds like the type of person who will simply like that you made him salmon, that he gets to share it with you -doesn't sound fishy at all 😉 Yes he deserves basic trust -meaning not guilty till proven innocent -it's not fair to burden him with what you have endured in the past. You know this. So far so good and again -you know this person, you know him professionally too, you know his people. All good stuff when it comes to trust!

I am glad you've received such helpful input here. Catfeeder especially and the multiple comments that it's highly unlikely she'll actually relocate. As a sort of aside - I've always had a soft spot for this age - when I taught I loved 3rd graders (8-9 years old) - and this is why this breaks my heart. In my experience including with my own son -that age 8-9 - so, they're still innocent and yet by then often can have in depth longer conversations, understand a lot more "adult" stuff and sort of have a whole life of thoughts, dreams, interests, goals apart from their parents even when the parents were the facilitators and teachers and encouragers. Kind of coming into their own and of course more independence (at that age was when I was first allowed to go down the block to the store by myself etc- so exciting!). And this is why -I mean any time a child is neglected -abused! - it doesn't matter the age but this age -such a tender age and his understanding will be deeper and more concerning than if he were still in preschool (again I don't mean to downplay the impact if younger -but it's a different impact -and sadder in ways). Honestly I hope even if she does come back that there are changes made to this custody arrangement. Right now it upsets me so much and right now she doesn't deserve him. IMO. She might in the future if she shows up, steps up to the plate, makes the necessary changes but..... how come she gets to mess with this special young boy?

You also chose to get drunk and chose the greatly increased risk of poor judgment in just that sort of situation.

Similar to what I wrote but you said it better. I agree with all. I think age/stage of life matters too. Don't know about you all but I did much better with sleep deprivation in teens/20s, have battled insomnia at various points after and even made a thread about it when my son was a baby called "new mom insomnia?" or something like that. This is why this may be a "lack of communication and lack of forethought" as you put it especially if things have shifted as far as ability to deal with lack of sleep on a workday, etc. I do worse with sleep deprivation than my husband - but - I wouldn't want him tired on the road as you put it!

No. My point is if you want to parent a child what you think of the mother on a personal level shouldn’t be a factor the way you are describing. Then it’s not about the best interests of the child. Which is to have two involved parents if at all possible. It would be possible here if you are the father.

So far you’re leaning heavily towards just walking off as far as being an involved father beyond $. I agree to confirm paternity in an accurate and timely way. I would want to know okky if I planned on being involved or for genetic reasons. You keep mentioning who the mother is. Aside from a situation where your life was in danger your not liking her post orgasm (when you at least liked her sexually ) is irrelevant. If you want to know it should be because you have the best interests of the child involved. I’m not a fan of certain travel with my husband and I do it for our son - he could solo parent it at this point. I’d get a huge and much needed break but I feel it’s in my son’s best interest to experience travel as a family. And have access to all the snacks my husband would never remember. Seriously-I love my husband and I make sacrifices where it would be nice to have me time or I don’t like how he’s reacting etc but as a parent I consider my son’s needs first with rare exception. So I don’t relate at all to you factoring that post-orgasm you’re not a fan of this pregnant person. Who cares. Step up to the plate. Or not. But not IMO whether you would have chosen her as the mother of your child from an emotional perspective. You may have from a sexual perspective. Remains to be seen. when my friend was going through post divorce child support issues the local family court (US) had an office where you could seek legal advice for free. Perhaps there is something like that to supplement your situation so you don’t spend thousands on legal fees?

Yes and also why I would have wanted more info including whether he’d promised then backed out last minute

Emergencies or near emergencies are entirely different IMO

I posed this issue to my husband with my being the 4am booker. I mean first he said well does that mean our son would also have to get up and come and I said assume no child. He said he couldn’t fathom me asking him that for a leisure or business trip. He just knows I’d book lyft or Uber. He said if it was an emergency because someone in my family was ill heaven forbid and I seemed too upset to go alone he’d go with me - whether drive or go in the Uber with me for emotional support. But the telling part was he said he’d be surprised if I asked him to drive me in the middle of the night especially on a work day. In fact if he possibly could he wouldn’t book a business flight then either because he’d end up waking us while he got ready to leave. He tries to schedule his flights so as not to inconvenience our routines and sleep and schedules which is considerate of course.

8 hour plane ride or car ride ? Husband and I were similarly busy - if not more - and mostly long distance - when we got back together. But we made time and made it work. Because we had serious goals and intentions and were just so crazy about each other. It was worth the sacrifices. It can be done. If both of you want it.

Sorry. You consented to unprotected sex. As did she. Plan B is not foolproof and anyway she said this after. You could have pulled out although that’s not foolproof either. You weren’t forced to have sex without a condom and you know people who use pull out method are called “parents” so the joke goes. never tell yourself that somehow you were forced into this current situation where you might be an expecting father. Because it’s not true. You weren’t raped. When you choose unprotected sex you choose the woman deciding to carry a pregnancy to term without addressing your concerns on the matter. The time to address your concerns is before intercourse and even then a woman can change her mind after. Not fair I suppose but reality and partly because she is growing life inside of her. Biology. I never once had sex without knowing how my partner felt about accidental pregnancy. You chose not to. In exchange you were able to have the fun of spontaneity and no serious conversations. And no checking on condom availability. Just fun sex. It was fun and now it’s not.

The on edge is the bed you made. Being a father with a living mom requires co parenting. Being a father has nothing to do with whether you like the mom. All you have to do is be civil and polite and abide by any agreements related to $ and visitation. you’re not being forced into. She didn’t force you to have sex with her and she didn’t blatantly lie about her ability to get pregnant.

I was actually more desperate in my early to mid 20s than in my 30s. In my 30s I had far more confidence in my career and all of a sudden better hair products for my curly frizzy crazy hair. ( which I now wear curly again - came full circle pun intended). I had almost married mister right on paper - more than one man - a few times and I knew better than to settle. So yes dating was much more successful for me in my 30s but going to all those weddings and being in weddings in my 20s and watching my older sister marry young to someone she claimed to be madly in love with and make babies was really really hard for me. Including the well meaning and snide and smug married comments slung my way. So hard. I had to know my worth. I walked away from a number of incredibly handsome successful men because they lacked the character and integrity I required and or focused on early sex and casual sex which were dealbreakers for me. Andrina is totally right about how it often works. It worked that way for me. My husband is a great person I love, admire and respect very much. Even though he has no clue how many napkins to get when we get pizza or fast food with our son. Even though he is short (I always preferred shorter men - I’m petite ). It took me so very long to become the right person to find the right person. In fact he wasn’t my right person at first and we cancelled our wedding 11 years before our actual wedding. But I can tell you that if we’d broken up because either of us were “confused” about wanting “adventure “ and “freedom” instead of marriage and reacted by pursuing multiple sex partners I don’t think we’d have found our way back to each other. It just would have been too much baggage and bad memories. future partners are entitled to know if you have an STD (more likely if you had multiple partners )or if presently you’re a person who enjoys casual sex and about your general values about sex but no need to share details. The problem is that if you continue to settle for casual sex partners a person who has had serious relationships when you have not but instead seemed to have short term flings might have concerns about your intentions. I think it’s better to show you chose not to date someone more than once or twice and forego sex and had no long term relationships because you were not going to settle for long term casual sex arrangements.

If I were you I would want to know for following reasons : if there was a genetic reason- you want your child to know of certain risk factors (like heaven forbid ALS or high rates of cancer in family etc). If I wanted to be involved emotionally as a parent. as far as “is there someone out there related to me”. No. Because then child will know you found out but apparently wanted no more involvement. More palatable if if was the genetic reason. not wanting to look over your shoulder is your burden to bear because you chose to have sex with her.