Felix055

Is, "I love you and now I claim the right to take advantage of you, use and abuse you, and if you complain or attempt to stop me I will not love you." So please, if you are reading this, don't tell me that you love me, because I don't think anyone on the face of this earth knows what "love" is. I know I don't. I guess that I am finally being honest about it. I don't know what love is. I don't have a clue as to how to love and I most certanly do not know how it feels to be loved. At the age of 50, when I look in the mirror, what I see is a person who is totally lost, a wasted a ruined life. I see a terribly underweight, graying and balding, crooked toothed homely little man. I see a losers face. I see a guy who tried with the best intentions to make those who claimed to love him, and those he claimed to love, to love him to be happy with him as he is and happy that he loves them as they are. It has never been enough, my love has never been good enough for anyone. Of course, how on earth could I even imagine that I could fill all those black holes in others when I can't even fill the black hole within me. No matter how hard I try. And now I am getting sucked into my own black hole and there is no turning back. Nothing and no one can get me out of this. It is just way too late. I've certainly have made my mistakes and wrong choices and for those I have no one to blame but myself. I'm tired, really tired. I would love to lay down and go to sleep and never wake up again. Before anyone writes to tell me to go seek out a mental health pro my experience with them isn't all that great either. For example; the psychiatrist who diagnosed me as being bi-polar, who then convinced me that our work together would be better served if I gave him weekly massages. (I've been a deep tissue bodyworker) When I realized that he was getting more from me than I was from him and voiced that view he said that all bi-polars disagree with the diagnosis and treatment - litium and giving my doc back rubs. Later he decided that I wasn't bi-polar after all - I was just suffering from migaine headaches - which was actually a badly infected wisdom tooth. Or, the therapist who, when he realized that he could get me to get ecstasy for him, decided that it was time for us to "terminate our theraputic realtionship and begin our "social" relationship. At a time when I thought I was making the most in roads on getting to the deeper reasons for my depression. And when the SHTF he scurried for cover denying it all. There have been others - more or less jerks too. You see I don't think anyone has a handle on it. We can pump ourselves full of drugs both legal and illegal it doesn't change anything - it is what is and will always be so. But what I see is humans being humans. We are by nature greedy creatures. We never do anything unless we percieve that it is in our interests to do so and most of the time I think we are wrong about our intrests. We don't really know what our interest really are. An example also would be the idea of unconditional love. It would be nice if it were true but it is not. When ever I told someone that I loved them unconditionally I was lying. I was only saying that because it sounds good and gives me a sense of superiority. I have not got a clue as to what it is all about and neither does anyone else. So for the last few days I've been getting ideational. Thinking about it planning it.

It is a hard call to make when you are confronted with that situation with a person with whom you supposedly love, share trust and confidence with. I have heard that in DV situations where both are battering the results can be deadly - of course they are often deadly when it is just the guy doing all the violence. So learning self-defense is a good thng - especially for the smaller sized women. You could actually really hurt a guy enough to disable him and get away if you know how it wouldn't matter much your size. Once you are away stay away- I know it is hard but he will never change (most batterer's are not interested in changing) unless he gets serious treatment and then sometimes that does not even help. No body deserves to have physical violence done to them, yes violence begets violence. Verbal abuse is not justification for physical abuse. That just escalates your conflict. And you shouldn't put up with verbal abuse either.

Your parents problems are not yours - if they break up it is not because of you. Sounds like your dad is hurtin pretty bad since he lost his dad?. Have compassion for him - he may not even understand his own feelings. Sounds also like it might be time for you to leave the nest. It is exciting isn't it? I think that you have a plan there go for it. Make new friends visit new places and decide what is important and good for you. Life is about constant change and things will get better. Study hard - get tutors or what ever you need to do to pass and move on - you can do it. Stay with your education - in the long run you'll be glad you did. Be kind to yourself - let yourself have time just to be and not worry about things, give yourself a treat and relax.

There is nothing inherantly 'wrong' with any item on your list. So I am curious as to who says that they are? It sounds like you are beginning to ask the deeper questions. This is a good thing. So how do you measure success? By what and whose yardstick are you measuring success? Do you use the same one for yourself that you use for others? I've noticed in my own growth that my definition of success has changed and that it still is a fluid view point. It also became more dynamic when I made it less dependent on the opinions of others. As for friends that slow you down. I have often been criticzed by relatives and colleagues etc, that I have too many friends that are 'beneath' me. That is meant in education, socio-economic standing, talents and general life direction. I always resented that opinion and yet I can see how in some ways my friends who are not very motivated or negative about life in some way have 'held me back'. It is not them really, it is me choosing to spend my time with them rather than spending the time with people who could further my career and business. So I made a choice more from the heart and it wasn't with those who could further my economic interests. I did take some professional lumps and I still think it was worth it. May you have all your answers and more.

I would respectfully say no, love is not self-sacrifice or self anything for that matter. I suspect that it is not a finding to be found either. Nor is it a happening in the future or an event of the past. Yet it is all around us. It permeates through every molecule - atom - of our being - so it becomes like the eye trying to look at it self.

There is no one on the face of this earth, and even perhaps in the universe, who could ever give you all the love you could ever want or need. Soulmates and the search for them are fun and profitable and give us a hope that there is someone out there special just for you. Some day your Prince will come. I once was a believer in the soulmate concept, till I realized that I kept on having to revise my theroy about it too many times to square with reality so as to render the whole concept irrelavant and meaning less. Why do we look for our ideal lover, partner, friend? I'll answer my own question - because we have gotten into the habit of gettting our wants and needs for love, happiness and security met by others. We go outside ourselves for what we can find within. We just have this inverted perception that gets us all confused about it. Some of us try so hard and never find it. Others well, others settle for less in order not to face not being alone. Carl Jung and Robert Johnson wrote in depth about that 'mystical' kind of feeling they called numinosity to describe the energetic sensation for two people who are attracted to each other. It is that lightening bolt, or cupids arrow that comes from nowhere and straight to the heart. I wrote on another thread that what every human being on this planet is after is to love and be loved. To have love. That is all. I recently became very aware that I had no idea what love is. I used to think that I knew. For a time I thought I was an expert. I know better now. It is not that I don't have the feelings of what we call love but I see them more as sentimental feelings like fondness and appreciation. Love is something else. As for soulmates. To borrow from Walt Kelly's Pogo - "We have met our soulmate and our soulmate is us"

This is a possible reality that I and others face as we are getting older. We change - our priorities change - for both men and women. For myself love and love relationships has been fleeting here today gone tomorrow. I could have sworn I'd met my 'soulmate' 10x's since I was 14 years old. I was wrong each time. What I've learned is that I do not know what love is and yet I do know what it is not. All we want - all that goes on in the world, the struggle the suffering the endless stream of tears comes down to this; we just want to love and be loved. Six and a half billion people all wanting the same thing. And yet very few of us really find it. Do any of us really know what IT is? What is love? Sunrise doesn't last all morning A cloud burst doesn't last all day Seems my love is up, And left you with no warning But it's not always going to be this grey All things must pass, all things must pass away George Harrison

I've often thought of this queston - at times I think there are things I would have done differently- other choices that could have been made - of course you've got to be aware that you have options before you can choose them. By and large I wouldn't change anything about my life. There has been good and really good and there has been bad and not too bad. I have loved and lost and been lonely and found love again. There is so much beauty in this world and I am in constant awe of it. I have had the honor to have touched so many lives and who knows maybe I did them some good in some small way. In the end no regrets. I would tell my younger self to remember to stay in the here and now - the past isn't anymore and the future is yet to unfold. Remember to ask the deeper question. Relax.