Meesterjojo

Here's the latest and I need some advice: Past/Long story short: she broke up with me in Oct. '05, 5 days later started dating/sleeping with someone she "just met", turns out she had been speaking with him online. We had been together for 4 years. Lived together till the end of November, and then went out separate ways. While there, she was trying to take out as much on me as possible- telling/yelling at me the details of her sexual escapades- when/where/how/with whom. I went NC at that point. Current: 2 weeks ago she makes contact with me at a work/social function. We have a reall good time talking, and the next morning I get an email from her with a P.S. "It was really great talking with you last night". We decide to get together on Sunday for "Coffee and lunch". That sunday we meet up, go to lunch. Everything is nice, then right into 10 minutes she starts blurting out with sexual details. Not hurtful this time, or at least I'm not affected by it at that/this time, just things like whom she's sleeping with, and how men online only want her for sex, which she gives them, but is upset that none of them want to go further. Just a roll in the hay and buh-bye. Mmmmkay. I don't respond to this and continue other conversation, things seem to go smoothly. We go for coffee afterwards, in the car, for no apparent reason, she starts crying, near bawling. She states that she still "Cares" for me, but there's no "spark or interest" in actually dating me. She states (without my asking, again) the classic cop-out people give when they're just not ready to fess-up and deal with a situation: "we were not ment to be together". mmmmkay. As such, she doesn't feel it's fair to me for us to be friends, that she might just be selfish and lonely- she isn't sure. I mention that "not ment to be together" is a rationalisation, but not an actual reason. I say that maybe she's right, we shouldn't be friends, and since we work together, should just remain as acquantances. She concurs, and adds a, no lie, 15-20 min disertation on how libidinous she is lately, and she's not sure if it's her new Pill, or her single status, and just how exactly can one be truly safe during sex (and what does that mean exactly?). Mmmmmkay. Mind you, I don't ask, prod/poke for these sex statements. I really don't want to hear it. And it's really strange coming from her. So we resolve- no friends, and I go back to NC. Well at work she starts in with the "hey how's it going!" or the elaborate/cutsey "bye bye! bye bye!" bit. She moved out recently, and asked to come get some things from me "...if you're no longer using them". I foolishly allow this, and then she calls me ay 8:30am the next day- last Sunday, to hit me up for some boxes. She calls me on Tuesday night after she completes her move in town to tell me that I should come over to see the cat this weekend, or that if I ever want to go do something, give her a call. I was extremely distant and only said "uh huh, hmmm ya ya mmmm" during the whole 3 minutes. Today I ask her to a quick lunch. We talk. I explain that we agreed not to be friends- I am not her friend. That she should stop with the "bye bye bye" stuff, stop calling, etc. I say that it really isn't fair that she should get "relationship lite" without the commitment or responsibility, and that I need to continue healing- which means her out of sight and out of mind. She says she completely understands, after all, the first guy she was with after me finally told her that all he wants from her, and nothing more, is sex (during our Sunday outing, she told me that she was over there 4 weeknights and the whole weekend for months, doing couple things with his friends, and sex every night. I didn't ask for the information, so my response was something like "Mmmm oh ok"), but that there was a "spark" with him, and as such she can see where I might be coming from- not being able to be with someone you want because they want someone/something else. "Sorta, I don't exactly want you. You've obviously changed, and I'm not sure I know who you are entirely. But whatever image I hold onto from our past remains, and in some ways it's tempting". She agreed though, claims to understand, and ended with "If you ever want to do anything, I leave that up to you- call me". I thanked her, and went back to my desk. The end. Surprisingly I'm not broken up over all this. There is a twinge of pain from being overlooked...being passed over for someone. Being around her has caused me, in the past 2 weeks, to doubt myself a little. I feel like a lesser person, like there's something wrong with me- why can't *I* be the one she is interested in? Why am *I* not worthy to go on a date? Why does she want to press so hard to be a friend to me, enjoys spending time with me and my personality...but I'm not good enough for more? That's the only thing that hurts/bothers me anymore: Not being good enough in her eyes. I don't like the feeling, so it's obviously best I avoid those situations which place me in contact with her. Why be around someone who doesn't view you as being "good enough"? Oh, forgot a funny/interesting part- during our Sunday visit she tells me that another reason not to be friends is because *she* would be *tempted* to sleep with me, and that might not be good for me. So apparently she's sexually attracted to me (and most of the interweb), enjoys spending time with me, but we're not ment to be together. Lame. Thoughts/comments/advice would be appreciated.

Good thoughts all around! Thanks. I agree with all of them- she doesn't seem stable, her actions and emotions go against what she says, and of course the whole bit with the Uber Troll (of course, I'll admit, and you'll have to take my word for it- I was not at all physically attracted to her at first, it was all personality/mental, and a lot of sex). I absolutely don't want her to use me as her emotional (or otherwise) rebound. Oddly though, she seems A-OK with remaining distant. We emailed this morning at work reiterating everything from yesterday, and we were very formal. I'm wondering if perhaps she needed a boost, I provided it unknowingly, and now sated, she's ready to face new challenges? If I did, that's ok, more power to her. I'd say I'm fairly over her, I, and I think most would agree, don't like to be the "lesser" person, the one passed by for something supposedly worse. /shrug Back to 110% NC!

Oh do I need some help. I thought I was stronger than I really am, even after 5 months. Past: Ex dumped me after 4 years to the week, and then 5 days after magically met someone and began sleeping with the person. We lived together for another month, then went our separate ways. Tried to be friendly, but after 2 weeks I couldn't handle it, explained it to her, and went full 110% NC. Current: I got my life in order- appearance, finances, social life, all great. Still 110% NC with the Ex, whom as a bonus, works in the same office I do (different departments, if I saw her in the halls, I ignored her). So last week we're both at a social function for work, everyone is talking, and she walks up behind me, taps on my back, and starts talking to me. Very bold. So I give it a go and speak with her. I had no idea I could say anything decent to her, but I did. We had a lovely conversation, mostly catching up. I had cleaned up considerably, lost much weight, and she commented on that a few times as well. The next day she sent an email with a P.S. "It was really great talking to you last night". Cool. So I write back, etc, keeping everything superficial and casual, and we decide to meet up on Sunday (yesterday) for coffee and lunch. Yesterday: We meet up, talk talk talk, lots of catching up to do, everything was jovial and good. She's acting sweet and kind, something I hadn't seen in over a year (Mind you we've only been apart 5 months). We get to lunch, and she starts talking about the guy she went off and started seeing right after she left me. Surprisingly I didn't care. I mean, it really didn't phase me. Told me he had no fashion sense, that he was bad in bed (Trust me, I didn't ask, really), he wasn't attractive, and he recently lost his job, but despite all this, the very night she spoke with me at the function, they had dinner and he told her that all he wanted was "Friends with Benefits" (Sex sex sex, fyi). They had been going "out" 3 nights a week, plus doing "couple things" on every weekend, even with other couples. She had, 2 weeks prior, asked him to step it up, as she wanted a relationship, or to start one with him. He said he needed 2 weeks to think about it. They had no contact for 2 weeks till that night, and he decides he only wants sex with her. She tells me that in the 5 months we've been apart she's always asked about how I was doing to my friends (which I did actually confirmed today, and asked why the heck didn't they tell me: "we were trying to help you"), and that she's always talking about me when she's with this guy mentioned above whom she wants a relationship with. So I'm hearing all this, and about some guy from out of state who flies in once a month to sleep with her, and about some kid who's terrible in bed, and still, none of this phases me. I listen, make a few small remarks, and everything keeps going on. I don't know *why* she felt the need to unload all of this on me, but whatever. After all of her disclosures she is sure to tell me that she hasn't seen or slept with anyone in 3 weeks, and when I ask about so-or-so she's very quick to add a "oh there's noone in my life" or "I'm not seeing so and so". So we're driving for coffee, I had changed the topic to something less...deep, and she bursts out in tears. Ok, I'll bite "what's wrong?" She still cares for me she says. But how do you care for me? "Well after 4 years you can't just let somethings go". Ok, but what does that mean? "Oh, I don't want you to think I could ever see you again, we're just not meant to be together". Well, ok, thanks for the admission. I sure am getting a lot of information for such a small deposit. That didn't much bother me either, although I took exception with the "meant to be together" phrase, and questioned/challenged it by stating "I've never believed we, or anyone, aren't meant to be together, it's more that we had issues which we could not resolve, either because we chose not to, or couldn't. either way, they snowballed. You can't discount 3 years just because of 10 months of unresolved conflict". She goes on to say that she wants me to be her friend, but she now realises that it's not fair, it's very selfish of her to ask that- she knows she let me go, and that it would be something which pleases her, after all, so she claims, she would never go out with me again. I explain Ok, fair enough, and to be honest if we kept on seeing each other as "friends" I probably would ask you out again one day, especially if things went as nice as they did that day. I told her that it wasn't fair, and that I deserve *more* than "relationship lite": all the friendship with none of the commitment. She worries that our friendship would cause her confusion one day in that she would want to sleep with me (again, I don't know where that came from), or that she might get hurt accordingly, or hurt me by not returning any potential affection I might offer. So we decide to be civil at work, and nothing more. Personally, yesterday was such a flurry, the only term which comes to mind which captures it all is " * * *!" One minute I'm being strong, listening, etc, the next she's spilling the beans about her sexlife, how sorry she is she hurt me, and that she doesn't want to be selfish in regards to my friendship, and that I deserve better. Keep in mind- I, not one time, had to prod any of this from her, it was like something just went off inside of her. She did use the term "your unrequieted feelings", as in "I wouldn't want to be your friend with your unrequieted feelings, you would get hurt", but, whatever. Personally, I'm more amused than confused. She wants some guy whom only wants her for sex. I could develop an interest in her again (although right now she's so scatter-shot I wouldn't touch it), but she wouldn't want me for the other guy. Yet, when she's around the other guy, she talks about me all the time, and she's always asking my friends about me, and saying nice things about me in the office. One friend thinks she feels guilt over breaking up, but that time has long since passed. Another thinks she's lonely and between men. I think she's lonely and having to deal with the realities of the relationship we had for 4 years, which she's never had to deal with. She jumped right into a "situation" without ever really dealing with our breakup. Now she is. I'm lost to her as a friend, and I don't think she wanted to lose that...some small thread to know that her "emotional" safety net, me, might still be around. Please share thoughts and opinions on this. Part of me (60%) wants to forget her, and just go 120% NC. Another part (30%) wants to pursue her in the hopes of winning her back. The final 10% told me to post on eNotAlone and see what everyone says. Oh, .05% is really miffed that she would use me for great, utterly fantastic, mind blowing sex, but I'm somehow not good enough to compare with someone she demeans as she did. That's the small part that hurts- the part that asks "why aren't *I* good enough, what's wrong with *me* that you don't want me, but someone else? Why can't you want me?" I don't think she realises that her telling me she would only use me for sex hurts, though I realise she must hurt because of what the guy told her- basically the same thing. /sigh

One of the many books I'm now reading touches on this. It's not a book made to make anyone feel better, but rather to understand the whole process of unbonding with a mate.

4 years. That is, we actually lived together 4 years. Met in Manhattan, moved to Texas together. That's when the problems started.

heh, and true to form I'm now sad and miss her. I hate her, I miss her. I do things I shouldn't which remind me of her and thus hurt me even more, which in turn make me more mad at her. Ever wish the procedure in the movie "Eternal Sunshine and the Spotless Mind" were true? I do.

Is this normal? I feel such anger and hate towards Her, yet at the same time I miss her. Sure, much less than previously (much, much less), but I still miss her. Everytime I think of her I think of the good, and then how she abandoned Us, and within a week and a half "found" a new guy (ya, right, as if he wasn't waiting in the wings). I'm full of awful, hateful thoughts, and I wish I wasn't. Will this pass, or will I always hate her for what she has done and the way in which she has done it?

She already stated she was going to get her stuff, and asked if I wanted her to get mine as well, thus promoting further contact. By telling her what I said: that I would have my stuff out of our storage space this month, I am minimizing contact with her. In which way was that not responsible or mature? I spoke about my stuff? Because the whole point of her contact with me was in regards to getting my stuff out of a shared, rented, storage space. Is your idea of "Businesslike"/"Professional" not what I'm doing? I consider giving her normal "No thank you" "No, but thank you for asking", etc- minimal answers with no further words to minimize the chance she might want to continue a conversation on something. I'm not sure how I was 1) immature, 2) harsh, or 3) un"businesslike". Further 4) I'm not sure at what point she wanted an "answer about her stuff", considering she said she was going to get hers, but that isn't even the point of the original post, it was her funky attitude/irritable tone with my reply to her offer to get my belongings out of storage.

Anyone following my drama train? If so please offer some advice on this: So now I'm progressing somewhat smoothly with my NC, minimal "yes" "no" "thank you" here and there as we do still work in the same office, but I do not make contact with her, she does with me. We still have a shared storage unit, which need to be emptied out. She writes to me stating that she would be "happy to get my belongings, just ask". I don't respond, as I have my own plans to get my stuff. I just didn't feel it reply-worthy, more like her throwing out a "friendly" offer, and the last thing I want right now is to be friendly. So she calls me a few mins ago, and asked. I stated that I would have my belongings out: it was being taken care of. Very flat tone. She responds with an angry taint to her voice, almost snappy: Her: "well, you never responded" Me: "oh, it's taken care of, thank you though" Her: "uh, ok" and then said something else I can't recall, but real snappish. I know this tone- it's her irritation tone. I believe she thinks I'm playing a game with her. She knows that I'm trying to avoid contact with her, that I need space/distance, and I hope she realises that I need this space/distance to heal. The last thing I want is her to think I'm playing some sort of game with her. I mean, I would like her back in my life, but now as I am now, and not as she is now. I know that when she gets something worked up into her head it'll sit there and nothing can budge it. Add to it her gossipy coworkers/"friends", whom all talk bad about each other, but will support her in a negative self-destructive manner, and the circle of crap is complete. Hmmm. they need a 1-800-Imsosad hotline. heh Why would she be sounding pissy with me? Other than that, she honestly seems happy with her life. Mid-whine update. I just got this email from her: "I know we are not up to being friends yet, as the distance is best for both of us, but I didn't think we would be treating each other like strangers. When I asked you for some space, I didn't mean that you are now dead to me. I don't want to feel awkward around you at the office, though I must respect your feelings as well. If you want things to stay like this for a while or indefinitely, I will understand. Just seems so phony for us to be so cold to each other. But maybe this is how it has to be? I just don't know." See, she knew I asked for space/distance and no contact a long time ago. Now she needs it? But she keeps contacting me? What gives. I want to tell her why I need my space, why I can't contact her, but should I? Please advise. Everything she sends me, everytime she speaks to me hurts all the more, like someone stabbing me in the gut.

Oh, easier said than done, I suppose... Wounds are still too fresh. I'm so confused and mixed up at times: I miss her, I hate her for being so cruel, I wonder what could have been for better and worse... I do feel one thing, very strongly though: regardless of why she left me (and I really feel the word abandoned is more apropos), it will be her loss in the end. I am more than worthy and deserving of her. I have a future which is wide open, I'm improving myself in many ways. Oddly I don't feel lonely, and I suppose I should- this is the first time in my life I've ever had to live on my own. She broke up with me, then we moved apart in 1 month: radical life change for me. I feel like some "late bloomer", heh. I'm doing things now in life that I should have done 10 years ago, and am enjoying the discovery of it all.

She said His name. Heh. Easy deduction. She only has one non-sexual male friend, and he works in the office with us. You're right, of course. I kinda feel sorry for her in a sense, that she gave up all the good we had and what we could have been for some cheap thrills with someone she isn't interested in for anything other than "attention", to use her word.

Naw, don't think it was staged. She's actually a fairly intellegent person. She has some serious problems with handling rage and anger management which make her seem stupid, though. I just found out some funny news: One of my friends here in the office knows someone at her Lover #1's office. Didn't tell him why, but asked him about the guy. Turns out he's the office Melvin (as in Melvin from Office Space). I mean, I knew (from her own words at least) that he was pugsly, shorter than her, and was emotionally retarded. But this just confirms it. I'm not sure if I want to laugh or cry- I mean, she's boffing a guy lower than me. Usually you want/expect your ex to move on to something equal or better.

Honestly I don't want to say HI to her. I'm not sure I want to get back with her anymore. I'm at some stage of confusion today, over this. How anyone can be so mean...it's all starting to hit me. When we first broke up she explained, in a slightly sane moment, that she has a lot of rage and anger over me. I wonder if this is her way of acting on that rage and anger, and shes really not just being clueless. Your ex sucks, I wouldn't want/take him back just on principle that he was dumb enough to bring his new g/f backstage knowing you might be upset. No tact. My ex, after we broke up and I asked her not to tell me about people she dates, has sex with, etc. told me that I had some "right" to know because we were together 4 years, and that especially if she ever decides to get engaged or marry she wants me to hear it from her alone/first. It's a game. I'm convienced. I hope she gets treated like crap, mentally abused, or in a relationship with some other sort of misfit. Maybe she'll go through the anguish she's putting me through... I think I'm entering some sort of "revenge" phase.

So today we had a lunch potluck/gift exchange at our office. She chose to sit, of course, next to me. I didn't acknowledge her. So everything is moving along, and I go to talk to a friend. Well her cell phone rings and hey-hey, its one of her 2 new sexy buddies. Sure, she can talk now, it's no problem. Of course she finally sees me and walks to the other end of the area where the potluck is going on. I'm so mixed up right now- longing for something that can never be, hate/rage at her for putting me through this. When will the hurting stop? heh Finally I just left and went back to my cubicle and got back to work. How clueless does a person have to be not to realize that taking calls from lovers in front of your ex of 4 years is mean? Or for that matter, telling me out of the blue that she is going to sleep with someone, and just thought I ought to know "because we've been together 4 years". It's like some kind of subconscious cruel/mean/childish game she's enjoying right now at my expense. I don't think she realises how much shes hurting me, and I certainly don't show it. I only show and act indifferent to her.

I'm in the same boat- I finally go NC and the ex, whom I also work with (but in different departments) makes almost as much if not more contact than before I started NC. what the heck!? I'm slowly building up a rage/anger with her- I consider her selfish: trying to ease her guilt and remain comfortable at my emotional expense. It's the same with you. Don't give them the satisfaction. If my ex wants a friend so g/d bad then she needs to talk more to one of the 2 guys she's sleeping with. She says there's no emotion with them, and they're just there for affection/comfort. Don't give them the power, and don't let them see you angry just yet. Perfect indifference is my key. Of course everytime I see her my belly does funny things.

...and just now a phone call from her: she was leaving work early to go to her classes and wanted to know if I would like a ride home since it's raining so heavy out. "Oh, I have that taken care of- but thank you!" (me) "well, ok. I was just asking since it's raining out. Ok then, bye" (her) "bye bye!" (me) She almost sounds(sounded?) pissy for the first few words of her response. Digging deep am I? heh. Only since I've started the "complete NC" has she been trying to make more contact, which in turn is making it very, very difficult for me. When we were speaking, or she would drive me home after work, she would rarely make any other contact with me. Then suddenly I cut it all out. We started serious NC-NC this week, and this is day 3. She's started walking by my cubicle (has window) on her way to parts of the company she wouldn't normally bother with. Twice a day. Possibly an interesting coincidence, but still. I suspect that any concern or kindness from her is to ease her guilt for any pain she knows she has caused me. I think she feels rotten because she's hidding something about when exactly she met the first f*** buddy (though I don't suspect she slept with him till after she broke with me). She told me, before NC, something totally unrelated to any conversation we were having: "women want to be pursued". What the heck? And "You shouldn't be jealous of J****, there is no feeling, It's only for the affection/attention he gives me. He's nice, but there's no spark". Mixed signals and me digging too much. I wish I could get that procedure in Enternal Sunshine and the Spotless Mind performed on me. Soon. heh. Oh the fortune someone would make off it. I don't want to feel this pain. I don't want to remember her because of how it makes me feel. Too much...too much.

Had to sit in a meeting with the ex at work. Got back to my desk and there was an email. She is going out running errands at lunch and asked if there was anything I needed her to pick up for me, and stated that I am always welcome to come along with her. It was so hard, but I told her "Appreciate it, but no thank you". Too cold? Just right? Should've given in? yes, someone hold my hand!

So no gift just because it's xmas. No first contacts- let her initiate anything. As for family support- I have no family. Yes, really. But ya'll have been great, heh. What do I do if she gets me a gift and leaves it in my work mailbox or on my desk? Of course following the above advice there'll be on gift for her. Can you tell I like to prepare for these things?

I'm new to all this, as evidenced by my previous plea for help (still fresh, too). As such I'm curious to garner some advice on a few things: 1) It's the holidays. What if, and I can almost sense she will, call me on Xmas? Should I take the call, or ignore it? If I ignore it, should I send an email/txtmsg or some such later? Keep in mind- I would like to get back with her, but NC is NC... 2) How long does the NC need to last? I suspect until I feel "right" with the world again, but at the same time I always hate the thought of missing something which might have been if I had only allowed her to contact me. So if she makes contact, I should accept, or NC is NC is NC? Thanks!

It's so much more than difficult to put on a strong-face and deal with her. Fortunately I really don't have to. I take a break and log into a matchmaking service and see she's there and online...all day. I think I'll be dropping the service now. The thought of her slutting around the matchmakers frustrates me. Grabbing at straws again: I remember something she told me during our last conversation, something about "the woman always wants to be chased". Do you think that means anything for me? I'm so unhappy.

At work today. She wants to come over on occasion and make small talk, friendly-like. It's hard, and I'm confused as to how to act. Currently I'm being aggreable, but short with my words. I don't try to continue any of the conversations she starts, but cut them short if possible. She asked me, more than once, if anything was wrong with me. I told her "not at all." Questions like that throw me off, how should I respond? Her feeling guilt over breaking up with me has made me mad. Why should she get to feel anything other than, say, remorse over losing me. She's mean enough to tell me, after I had pleaded with her not to, about the men shes sleeping with, and even a sexual escapade gone awry, but she feels guilty because of any possible hurt I might feel from her breaking up with me? It makes little and no sense to me, and it makes me mad. She needs to feel bad for her actions towards me. I wish she'd stop trying to be so selfish, and just stop talking to me. She's moved on to screwing other men, but wants her cake too (interacting with me). Can you tell I'm po'd? Anyone have suggestions on how to deal with her, gently, to let her know I want space to be away from her, keeping in mind that I would, at my present state of mind, like to still be with her.

Hmmm, for some reason I never saw the love/guilt relationship. Why does she feel guilt though? Just because she broke up after 4 years? Or maybe there's something else...like how quickly the sexual rebound for her came. I noted her leaving for "a quick smoke" and being gone for over an hour prior to her breaking up with me. Maybe she was meeting this guy before we split, and thus the guilt? I don't think she feels anything for me other than some numb hole. Guilt would be akin to pity, and not something I want her to feel when she interacts with me if I ever wanted her back.

She wasn't joking about the getting hit on/picked up deal. The few times she's thrown in something regarding her dating/sex life, and I start to calmly object/ask her not to, she gets frustrated and says "I just don't think I should be around you- I want to be able to talk about all of this, and not have to think about what I should and shouldn't say". Of course I'm in NC now 10 hours and counting. Hmmm, she has said frequently how worried and concerned over me she is. Which of course adds to my confusion over how she feels. Thanks for the responses, working this out with others really helps.

Well, as a bonus: We work for the same company. Fortunately in different departments which oh so rarely come into contact. I've spent so much time thinking how someone can cry so much when you speak to them, but have 0 feelings for you. How someone can let what they themselves admit was probably an impossible love, just go without ever trying to see what could be if things were worked out. She says she wants to be my friend, and to that effect, which I forgot to put in, she was over at my new place just yesterday. We had our "talk" then (tears from her, sobbing, etc, but that she had no "romantic feelings for me"). She cooked for me, took me out shopping, we went to lunch. Around 10pm (because we spent the whole day together) we went for coffee and talked a bit. She did want to go to some bar, but warned me that she would probably get picked up/hit-on by men there, and wanted to know if that would bother me. Obviously. Thus the coffee. How can someone who has no feelings do the above? It just confuses me. I know I'm grabbing at straws, and I need to let it all go, but that's why I'm here: to try and figure out HOW to let go.

I'm wondering if anyone can help me by way of offering some advice for my situation. I have read several of the threads and have found some comfort (although I suspect more hope, which I don't view as a good thing now). My ex broke up with me in October of this year. She said she couldn't go on anymore. She cried, wailed, etc, but the end result was a week later she's sleeping with someone new. A little background: We had dated for 4 years. We met in NYC (neither of us were from there) in 2000. The first year and a half - two years were pure bliss. We were both guarded with our love, and didn't tell each other that we even loved each other till our 2nd Xmas together, though that didn't stop us from loving and showing a strong mutual respect for each other. Our friends would always comment as such, how they wish their relationships were as strong. If there was every anything so perfect then I have yet to find/experience it. ...then we moved back here. Problems started almost as soon as we got back: We lived with her mother (our move was costly and I did not have a job waiting for me when we got back), and I was unemployed for a good 4 months. I have escapist tendencies and would sit online or in a game to get away from the banalities of my real life. This in turn angered her to the point she would express great rage towards me. We moved out of the mothers house soon enough, however, and started our life down here properly. By this time she had started, reguarly, showing her nastier side, and in turn I would seek to escape it (and whatever problems I had with reality: work, love life, etc). Earlier this year, prior to our breakup, I was diagnosed with 2 genetic diseases: type 2 diabetes and hemochromatosis (iron accumulation in my system, fixed by quarterly phlebotomies). I responded to my diagnosis by getting out of my funk, becoming extremely positive, actively trying to make a change for the better. I felt my life, and our well being as a couple, now depended upon it. It was to be a short lived happiness: her grandmother, whom she was very close to, died shortly thereafter. She went into a dark depression and would act out on me for no reason at all, simply to unleash pent up anger and rage. When I needed support, I got none. I could not mantain my positive outlook. I went back into my escapism. So Oct. comes and she breaks up with me one day after work. Starts sleeping with another guy. To make things more stressful our landlord and us get in a fight and he asks us to move out early (if we wanted, and we did): the end of the month. I'm in shock from one thing then another. Why she wanted to tell me about her new sex buddy I have no idea. She states "we've been together for 4 years, I feel you ought to know". I tell her I didn't care. In fact, for the first 3 weeks of our breakup I gave no outward signs of distress or any emotion at all. Just pure indifference. The reality is that I was tore up. She would still fly into a rage at me, and especially at times when I would explain to her why I did not care about her sleeping around with strange men. Well we finally move apart (yes, we were living together despite all this until our lease ended at the end of November), she moved back with her mother so that she might take care of some financial issues, and I moved into a nice apt. in the center of town. She got the car, I got a bus pass. The week of the move she and I talked for the first time about things, and she calmed down. She told me that she wished she could tell me all about her men issues, as for years I was the person whom she told everything to, her closest friend and confidant. I explained that it hurt me to know these things, and I did not want to know anything: names, details...nothing. Still, she let slip in a moment of anger and frustration (she raged on me for something her sex buddy did- condom broke and thus the ensuing worry and fear) details (see last) that I did not want to hear. When she is angered she will strike out in whatever way will do the most harm. The last week, however, has been peaceful. I'm in my new place, she is in hers. She's been friendly, and acts concerned about me. I knew I wanted her back: In reflection I realised that I had been a primary reason why our relationship failed. I was always procrastinating and setting aside basic ambitions which would have benefitted both of us. She would remind me and try to encourage me to fulfill them, but I ignored her. I realised, finally, that these things I never did, which in my apathy to do them angered her, are things I'm not having to do just to get ahead in life. If only I had listened to her kind and supportive words I wouldn't be in this mess with her. She and I finally had a talk about our relationship. I explained the above, in detail, and through her tears, she agreed with my assesment of it all. I asked her how she felt about me. She stated that she felt nothing for me- just like any other person. To quote "I have no romantic feelings for you, at all". I explained that I wanted a chance to work all of this out. I knew what went wrong, and she saw that I had already taken steps to correct the issues of the past. She even admitted as such. Yet again came out the : I have no romantic feelings for you. Of course I did what I'm sure is the worst thing: I asked if there was ever a chance that she may be interested in dating me again? She said she couldn't answer that question- she didn't know right now. I explained to her that I would be going NC with her, which she felt was a good thing for both of us. She cried some more and that was that. Today she called. I picked up without looking who it was. She wanted to let me know my mother had called and that I should call her. I was cheery on the phone and she asked what I was doing. Gave her a summary of my busy day, and then tried to get off the phone with her. She made a bit more small talk, then I was able to hang up. I hurt so much. I was such an idiot, such a fool. I've been in a number of relationships over the years, but never with anyone like her. I'm not sure, despite all of the cliches, that someone like that exists. I feel she is more than worthy for me to want to get back with, and hope I can be worthy of her. Can anyone help me heal? I realise there is no sure-fire way to get someone you care deeply for back, but there must be some solid advice on ending the hurt and avoiding more pain? I do have a lot to keep me busy: my health is a full time job in itself. My new place is keeping me busy. I'm thinking of going back into school. I don't have an outlet to meet new people, so that's rather frustrating. Sometimes it all just seems so overwhelming, and I just don't know what to do. I've never been like this in my life.