Meesterjojo

Here's the latest and I need some advice: Past/Long story short: she broke up with me in Oct. '05, 5 days later started dating/sleeping with someone she "just met", turns out she had been speaking with him online. We had been together for 4 years. Lived together till the end of November, and then went out separate ways. While there, she was trying to take out as much on me as possible- telling/yelling at me the details of her sexual escapades- when/where/how/with whom. I went NC at that point. Current: 2 weeks ago she makes contact with me at a work/social function. We have a reall good time talking, and the next morning I get an email from her with a P.S. "It was really great talking with you last night". We decide to get together on Sunday for "Coffee and lunch". That sunday we meet up, go to lunch. Everything is nice, then right into 10 minutes she starts blurting out with sexual details. Not hurtful this time, or at least I'm not affected by it at that/this time, just things like whom she's sleeping with, and how men online only want her for sex, which she gives them, but is upset that none of them want to go further. Just a roll in the hay and buh-bye. Mmmmkay. I don't respond to this and continue other conversation, things seem to go smoothly. We go for coffee afterwards, in the car, for no apparent reason, she starts crying, near bawling. She states that she still "Cares" for me, but there's no "spark or interest" in actually dating me. She states (without my asking, again) the classic cop-out people give when they're just not ready to fess-up and deal with a situation: "we were not ment to be together". mmmmkay. As such, she doesn't feel it's fair to me for us to be friends, that she might just be selfish and lonely- she isn't sure. I mention that "not ment to be together" is a rationalisation, but not an actual reason. I say that maybe she's right, we shouldn't be friends, and since we work together, should just remain as acquantances. She concurs, and adds a, no lie, 15-20 min disertation on how libidinous she is lately, and she's not sure if it's her new Pill, or her single status, and just how exactly can one be truly safe during sex (and what does that mean exactly?). Mmmmmkay. Mind you, I don't ask, prod/poke for these sex statements. I really don't want to hear it. And it's really strange coming from her. So we resolve- no friends, and I go back to NC. Well at work she starts in with the "hey how's it going!" or the elaborate/cutsey "bye bye! bye bye!" bit. She moved out recently, and asked to come get some things from me "...if you're no longer using them". I foolishly allow this, and then she calls me ay 8:30am the next day- last Sunday, to hit me up for some boxes. She calls me on Tuesday night after she completes her move in town to tell me that I should come over to see the cat this weekend, or that if I ever want to go do something, give her a call. I was extremely distant and only said "uh huh, hmmm ya ya mmmm" during the whole 3 minutes. Today I ask her to a quick lunch. We talk. I explain that we agreed not to be friends- I am not her friend. That she should stop with the "bye bye bye" stuff, stop calling, etc. I say that it really isn't fair that she should get "relationship lite" without the commitment or responsibility, and that I need to continue healing- which means her out of sight and out of mind. She says she completely understands, after all, the first guy she was with after me finally told her that all he wants from her, and nothing more, is sex (during our Sunday outing, she told me that she was over there 4 weeknights and the whole weekend for months, doing couple things with his friends, and sex every night. I didn't ask for the information, so my response was something like "Mmmm oh ok"), but that there was a "spark" with him, and as such she can see where I might be coming from- not being able to be with someone you want because they want someone/something else. "Sorta, I don't exactly want you. You've obviously changed, and I'm not sure I know who you are entirely. But whatever image I hold onto from our past remains, and in some ways it's tempting". She agreed though, claims to understand, and ended with "If you ever want to do anything, I leave that up to you- call me". I thanked her, and went back to my desk. The end. Surprisingly I'm not broken up over all this. There is a twinge of pain from being overlooked...being passed over for someone. Being around her has caused me, in the past 2 weeks, to doubt myself a little. I feel like a lesser person, like there's something wrong with me- why can't *I* be the one she is interested in? Why am *I* not worthy to go on a date? Why does she want to press so hard to be a friend to me, enjoys spending time with me and my personality...but I'm not good enough for more? That's the only thing that hurts/bothers me anymore: Not being good enough in her eyes. I don't like the feeling, so it's obviously best I avoid those situations which place me in contact with her. Why be around someone who doesn't view you as being "good enough"? Oh, forgot a funny/interesting part- during our Sunday visit she tells me that another reason not to be friends is because *she* would be *tempted* to sleep with me, and that might not be good for me. So apparently she's sexually attracted to me (and most of the interweb), enjoys spending time with me, but we're not ment to be together. Lame. Thoughts/comments/advice would be appreciated.

Good thoughts all around! Thanks. I agree with all of them- she doesn't seem stable, her actions and emotions go against what she says, and of course the whole bit with the Uber Troll (of course, I'll admit, and you'll have to take my word for it- I was not at all physically attracted to her at first, it was all personality/mental, and a lot of sex). I absolutely don't want her to use me as her emotional (or otherwise) rebound. Oddly though, she seems A-OK with remaining distant. We emailed this morning at work reiterating everything from yesterday, and we were very formal. I'm wondering if perhaps she needed a boost, I provided it unknowingly, and now sated, she's ready to face new challenges? If I did, that's ok, more power to her. I'd say I'm fairly over her, I, and I think most would agree, don't like to be the "lesser" person, the one passed by for something supposedly worse. /shrug Back to 110% NC!

Oh do I need some help. I thought I was stronger than I really am, even after 5 months. Past: Ex dumped me after 4 years to the week, and then 5 days after magically met someone and began sleeping with the person. We lived together for another month, then went our separate ways. Tried to be friendly, but after 2 weeks I couldn't handle it, explained it to her, and went full 110% NC. Current: I got my life in order- appearance, finances, social life, all great. Still 110% NC with the Ex, whom as a bonus, works in the same office I do (different departments, if I saw her in the halls, I ignored her). So last week we're both at a social function for work, everyone is talking, and she walks up behind me, taps on my back, and starts talking to me. Very bold. So I give it a go and speak with her. I had no idea I could say anything decent to her, but I did. We had a lovely conversation, mostly catching up. I had cleaned up considerably, lost much weight, and she commented on that a few times as well. The next day she sent an email with a P.S. "It was really great talking to you last night". Cool. So I write back, etc, keeping everything superficial and casual, and we decide to meet up on Sunday (yesterday) for coffee and lunch. Yesterday: We meet up, talk talk talk, lots of catching up to do, everything was jovial and good. She's acting sweet and kind, something I hadn't seen in over a year (Mind you we've only been apart 5 months). We get to lunch, and she starts talking about the guy she went off and started seeing right after she left me. Surprisingly I didn't care. I mean, it really didn't phase me. Told me he had no fashion sense, that he was bad in bed (Trust me, I didn't ask, really), he wasn't attractive, and he recently lost his job, but despite all this, the very night she spoke with me at the function, they had dinner and he told her that all he wanted was "Friends with Benefits" (Sex sex sex, fyi). They had been going "out" 3 nights a week, plus doing "couple things" on every weekend, even with other couples. She had, 2 weeks prior, asked him to step it up, as she wanted a relationship, or to start one with him. He said he needed 2 weeks to think about it. They had no contact for 2 weeks till that night, and he decides he only wants sex with her. She tells me that in the 5 months we've been apart she's always asked about how I was doing to my friends (which I did actually confirmed today, and asked why the heck didn't they tell me: "we were trying to help you"), and that she's always talking about me when she's with this guy mentioned above whom she wants a relationship with. So I'm hearing all this, and about some guy from out of state who flies in once a month to sleep with her, and about some kid who's terrible in bed, and still, none of this phases me. I listen, make a few small remarks, and everything keeps going on. I don't know *why* she felt the need to unload all of this on me, but whatever. After all of her disclosures she is sure to tell me that she hasn't seen or slept with anyone in 3 weeks, and when I ask about so-or-so she's very quick to add a "oh there's noone in my life" or "I'm not seeing so and so". So we're driving for coffee, I had changed the topic to something less...deep, and she bursts out in tears. Ok, I'll bite "what's wrong?" She still cares for me she says. But how do you care for me? "Well after 4 years you can't just let somethings go". Ok, but what does that mean? "Oh, I don't want you to think I could ever see you again, we're just not meant to be together". Well, ok, thanks for the admission. I sure am getting a lot of information for such a small deposit. That didn't much bother me either, although I took exception with the "meant to be together" phrase, and questioned/challenged it by stating "I've never believed we, or anyone, aren't meant to be together, it's more that we had issues which we could not resolve, either because we chose not to, or couldn't. either way, they snowballed. You can't discount 3 years just because of 10 months of unresolved conflict". She goes on to say that she wants me to be her friend, but she now realises that it's not fair, it's very selfish of her to ask that- she knows she let me go, and that it would be something which pleases her, after all, so she claims, she would never go out with me again. I explain Ok, fair enough, and to be honest if we kept on seeing each other as "friends" I probably would ask you out again one day, especially if things went as nice as they did that day. I told her that it wasn't fair, and that I deserve *more* than "relationship lite": all the friendship with none of the commitment. She worries that our friendship would cause her confusion one day in that she would want to sleep with me (again, I don't know where that came from), or that she might get hurt accordingly, or hurt me by not returning any potential affection I might offer. So we decide to be civil at work, and nothing more. Personally, yesterday was such a flurry, the only term which comes to mind which captures it all is " * * *!" One minute I'm being strong, listening, etc, the next she's spilling the beans about her sexlife, how sorry she is she hurt me, and that she doesn't want to be selfish in regards to my friendship, and that I deserve better. Keep in mind- I, not one time, had to prod any of this from her, it was like something just went off inside of her. She did use the term "your unrequieted feelings", as in "I wouldn't want to be your friend with your unrequieted feelings, you would get hurt", but, whatever. Personally, I'm more amused than confused. She wants some guy whom only wants her for sex. I could develop an interest in her again (although right now she's so scatter-shot I wouldn't touch it), but she wouldn't want me for the other guy. Yet, when she's around the other guy, she talks about me all the time, and she's always asking my friends about me, and saying nice things about me in the office. One friend thinks she feels guilt over breaking up, but that time has long since passed. Another thinks she's lonely and between men. I think she's lonely and having to deal with the realities of the relationship we had for 4 years, which she's never had to deal with. She jumped right into a "situation" without ever really dealing with our breakup. Now she is. I'm lost to her as a friend, and I don't think she wanted to lose that...some small thread to know that her "emotional" safety net, me, might still be around. Please share thoughts and opinions on this. Part of me (60%) wants to forget her, and just go 120% NC. Another part (30%) wants to pursue her in the hopes of winning her back. The final 10% told me to post on eNotAlone and see what everyone says. Oh, .05% is really miffed that she would use me for great, utterly fantastic, mind blowing sex, but I'm somehow not good enough to compare with someone she demeans as she did. That's the small part that hurts- the part that asks "why aren't *I* good enough, what's wrong with *me* that you don't want me, but someone else? Why can't you want me?" I don't think she realises that her telling me she would only use me for sex hurts, though I realise she must hurt because of what the guy told her- basically the same thing. /sigh

One of the many books I'm now reading touches on this. It's not a book made to make anyone feel better, but rather to understand the whole process of unbonding with a mate.

4 years. That is, we actually lived together 4 years. Met in Manhattan, moved to Texas together. That's when the problems started.

heh, and true to form I'm now sad and miss her. I hate her, I miss her. I do things I shouldn't which remind me of her and thus hurt me even more, which in turn make me more mad at her. Ever wish the procedure in the movie "Eternal Sunshine and the Spotless Mind" were true? I do.

Is this normal? I feel such anger and hate towards Her, yet at the same time I miss her. Sure, much less than previously (much, much less), but I still miss her. Everytime I think of her I think of the good, and then how she abandoned Us, and within a week and a half "found" a new guy (ya, right, as if he wasn't waiting in the wings). I'm full of awful, hateful thoughts, and I wish I wasn't. Will this pass, or will I always hate her for what she has done and the way in which she has done it?

She already stated she was going to get her stuff, and asked if I wanted her to get mine as well, thus promoting further contact. By telling her what I said: that I would have my stuff out of our storage space this month, I am minimizing contact with her. In which way was that not responsible or mature? I spoke about my stuff? Because the whole point of her contact with me was in regards to getting my stuff out of a shared, rented, storage space. Is your idea of "Businesslike"/"Professional" not what I'm doing? I consider giving her normal "No thank you" "No, but thank you for asking", etc- minimal answers with no further words to minimize the chance she might want to continue a conversation on something. I'm not sure how I was 1) immature, 2) harsh, or 3) un"businesslike". Further 4) I'm not sure at what point she wanted an "answer about her stuff", considering she said she was going to get hers, but that isn't even the point of the original post, it was her funky attitude/irritable tone with my reply to her offer to get my belongings out of storage.

Anyone following my drama train? If so please offer some advice on this: So now I'm progressing somewhat smoothly with my NC, minimal "yes" "no" "thank you" here and there as we do still work in the same office, but I do not make contact with her, she does with me. We still have a shared storage unit, which need to be emptied out. She writes to me stating that she would be "happy to get my belongings, just ask". I don't respond, as I have my own plans to get my stuff. I just didn't feel it reply-worthy, more like her throwing out a "friendly" offer, and the last thing I want right now is to be friendly. So she calls me a few mins ago, and asked. I stated that I would have my belongings out: it was being taken care of. Very flat tone. She responds with an angry taint to her voice, almost snappy: Her: "well, you never responded" Me: "oh, it's taken care of, thank you though" Her: "uh, ok" and then said something else I can't recall, but real snappish. I know this tone- it's her irritation tone. I believe she thinks I'm playing a game with her. She knows that I'm trying to avoid contact with her, that I need space/distance, and I hope she realises that I need this space/distance to heal. The last thing I want is her to think I'm playing some sort of game with her. I mean, I would like her back in my life, but now as I am now, and not as she is now. I know that when she gets something worked up into her head it'll sit there and nothing can budge it. Add to it her gossipy coworkers/"friends", whom all talk bad about each other, but will support her in a negative self-destructive manner, and the circle of crap is complete. Hmmm. they need a 1-800-Imsosad hotline. heh Why would she be sounding pissy with me? Other than that, she honestly seems happy with her life. Mid-whine update. I just got this email from her: "I know we are not up to being friends yet, as the distance is best for both of us, but I didn't think we would be treating each other like strangers. When I asked you for some space, I didn't mean that you are now dead to me. I don't want to feel awkward around you at the office, though I must respect your feelings as well. If you want things to stay like this for a while or indefinitely, I will understand. Just seems so phony for us to be so cold to each other. But maybe this is how it has to be? I just don't know." See, she knew I asked for space/distance and no contact a long time ago. Now she needs it? But she keeps contacting me? What gives. I want to tell her why I need my space, why I can't contact her, but should I? Please advise. Everything she sends me, everytime she speaks to me hurts all the more, like someone stabbing me in the gut.

Oh, easier said than done, I suppose... Wounds are still too fresh. I'm so confused and mixed up at times: I miss her, I hate her for being so cruel, I wonder what could have been for better and worse... I do feel one thing, very strongly though: regardless of why she left me (and I really feel the word abandoned is more apropos), it will be her loss in the end. I am more than worthy and deserving of her. I have a future which is wide open, I'm improving myself in many ways. Oddly I don't feel lonely, and I suppose I should- this is the first time in my life I've ever had to live on my own. She broke up with me, then we moved apart in 1 month: radical life change for me. I feel like some "late bloomer", heh. I'm doing things now in life that I should have done 10 years ago, and am enjoying the discovery of it all.

She said His name. Heh. Easy deduction. She only has one non-sexual male friend, and he works in the office with us. You're right, of course. I kinda feel sorry for her in a sense, that she gave up all the good we had and what we could have been for some cheap thrills with someone she isn't interested in for anything other than "attention", to use her word.

Naw, don't think it was staged. She's actually a fairly intellegent person. She has some serious problems with handling rage and anger management which make her seem stupid, though. I just found out some funny news: One of my friends here in the office knows someone at her Lover #1's office. Didn't tell him why, but asked him about the guy. Turns out he's the office Melvin (as in Melvin from Office Space). I mean, I knew (from her own words at least) that he was pugsly, shorter than her, and was emotionally retarded. But this just confirms it. I'm not sure if I want to laugh or cry- I mean, she's boffing a guy lower than me. Usually you want/expect your ex to move on to something equal or better.

Honestly I don't want to say HI to her. I'm not sure I want to get back with her anymore. I'm at some stage of confusion today, over this. How anyone can be so mean...it's all starting to hit me. When we first broke up she explained, in a slightly sane moment, that she has a lot of rage and anger over me. I wonder if this is her way of acting on that rage and anger, and shes really not just being clueless. Your ex sucks, I wouldn't want/take him back just on principle that he was dumb enough to bring his new g/f backstage knowing you might be upset. No tact. My ex, after we broke up and I asked her not to tell me about people she dates, has sex with, etc. told me that I had some "right" to know because we were together 4 years, and that especially if she ever decides to get engaged or marry she wants me to hear it from her alone/first. It's a game. I'm convienced. I hope she gets treated like crap, mentally abused, or in a relationship with some other sort of misfit. Maybe she'll go through the anguish she's putting me through... I think I'm entering some sort of "revenge" phase.

So today we had a lunch potluck/gift exchange at our office. She chose to sit, of course, next to me. I didn't acknowledge her. So everything is moving along, and I go to talk to a friend. Well her cell phone rings and hey-hey, its one of her 2 new sexy buddies. Sure, she can talk now, it's no problem. Of course she finally sees me and walks to the other end of the area where the potluck is going on. I'm so mixed up right now- longing for something that can never be, hate/rage at her for putting me through this. When will the hurting stop? heh Finally I just left and went back to my cubicle and got back to work. How clueless does a person have to be not to realize that taking calls from lovers in front of your ex of 4 years is mean? Or for that matter, telling me out of the blue that she is going to sleep with someone, and just thought I ought to know "because we've been together 4 years". It's like some kind of subconscious cruel/mean/childish game she's enjoying right now at my expense. I don't think she realises how much shes hurting me, and I certainly don't show it. I only show and act indifferent to her.

I'm in the same boat- I finally go NC and the ex, whom I also work with (but in different departments) makes almost as much if not more contact than before I started NC. what the heck!? I'm slowly building up a rage/anger with her- I consider her selfish: trying to ease her guilt and remain comfortable at my emotional expense. It's the same with you. Don't give them the satisfaction. If my ex wants a friend so g/d bad then she needs to talk more to one of the 2 guys she's sleeping with. She says there's no emotion with them, and they're just there for affection/comfort. Don't give them the power, and don't let them see you angry just yet. Perfect indifference is my key. Of course everytime I see her my belly does funny things.