MissJones

I think if I continue to put myself in cr*ppy situations, I will only keep attracting cr*p. I will not earn the respect I deserve if I continue to allow myself to be put in situations that aren't fulfilling my needs. I've already made the decision that never, ever again will I have a FWB or sleep with him again. It's all or nothing – no middle-ground where basically, you are just using each other. It's disillusioning and disheartening. No more vicious circles. No more making excuses for another person's behaviour. No more giving into physical desires. My emotions are so much more important than my physical needs/wants. There are no excuses for mistreating people, least of all, mistreating myself by putting up with cr*p. I think it's time to be my own best friend. That being said, I would still love it if he tried to hit on me so I could knock him back. I want the upper-hand and the satisfaction of being able to high-five myself and say, "Yes! I'm strong!" \\

I want to be happy. I just don't want to be lonely anymore. I've been happily single for 5 years now but I've now reached a point where I feel extremely lonely. I want someone to share things with. I want someone to love and someone to love me. I want to feel special. I want to stop putting myself in situations where I don't feel special, but instead feel like cr*p. I want to be ready for a relationship.

Honestly, I think the best thing for me would be to give it up. It's already causing me grief in more ways than one. To continue it would be putting myself through the wringer. If I end up really attached to him, I'm screwed. If he ends up really attached to me, he's screwed and no matter how much he sh!ts me, I still couldn't do anything to hurt him. And I shouldn't have to put up with a friend whose moods are so hard to predict anyway. He even treats his best mate like cr@p sometimes. That says a lot about his character, which is another reason I could never take it further. I don't want to dig myself deeper knowing full-well what I'm getting myself into. I also don't want any awkwardness between us because we hang around each other often. I need to get out there and restore my faith, realise that there are lots of great guys out there and when the time is right for me, pursue someone

Please try to remember that you will feel like total, utter cr@p right now, especially with the break up of your girlfriend. It's only natural to question yourself and everything about yourself when someone breaks up with you, especially at 17. I remember what it was like to be 17 (I'm 29 now) and I remember how badly I reacted when my first boyfriend (who I lost my virginity to) broke up with me. I was a freaking mess and even tried self-harm because all these feelings were so new to me. I had a panic attack at the train station on the stairs a few days after we broke up. But on the flip side, you're clearly not such a bad person for her to be attracted to in the first place. Your friends are attracted to you for a reason. Your ex was attracted to you for a reason and more girls will be attracted to you for many good reasons in the future. Also, cheating is the one thing that will make you question yourself. But 99% of the time it has nothing to do with you as a person at all. If she had never of met you and had been dating someone else, she still would have cheated with this particular person. I urge you to speak to a counsellor or a good friend you can trust. Please do. You may not realise it yet but these feelings you have right now will only be temporary but will be magnified if you bottle your feelings up.

That's fantastic pizzachick. I don't even know you and I want to hug you for it That's the best news I've heard all day even if it's from a complete and total stranger. It's fantastic you have such a wonderful girlfriend to give you support. And all the people here will support you too to alleviate any pain you may feel. I don't know your background and why you used to harm yourself but whatever the reason, you're an invaluable person to many. We all are whether we realise it or not. So keep talking to your friend, punch some pillows, have a cold shower, eat a chili - anything to stop you harming yourself is great. You go girl!

Most definitely. I think that's what's happening in my situation now. I've made it waaaay to easy for him by being there whenever he calls. But that's mainly because I get lonely, crave company and jump at the chance. Fortunately, I'm not the kind of person to disrespect someone for those reasons. Very true. I hate it when I get a gut feeling because it's ALWAYS right. A couple of my friends call me the Big Ben because my mind ticks over so much and I start to over-analyse things. But I only analyse things that just don't sit right with me. And those things that don't sit right with me is my gut instincts talking. My instincts cause me to analyse and they're always 100% right. It's as simple as that. What's not as simple is I don't always act on my instincts ](*,) On another note, I've just realised the irony of my post. I would love to meet a decent guy but I don't think I could commit to a relationship yet because of some hang-ups I really need to deal with. I'm a decent, loyal, faithful, heart of gold chick who wants a decent guy but would probably ruin it only to have him think I'm not a decent chick. *shakes head*

There could be a lot of reasons for that: not wanting to get attached and risk getting hurt; having feelings for someone but just simply not being ready for a relationship (for whatever reason). I don't want to get into a relationship at the moment because I have some issues to deal with that would be detrimental to a relationship. That would be unfair on the other person and myself and would only cause more problems. I think too many people are searching for perfect when it doesn't exist. Perfect would be incredibly boring. We're all fabulously flawed and that's what makes us unique and interesting. I couldn't imagine having someone perfect. I can imagine having someone who's perfect for me (as in totally suitable and complementary) but even then, I'd still expect that things won't run smoothly all the time. A good fight or a trying time is what we need sometimes.

I'm sure many people say that they're non-commital to fit in. Definitely. I think some guys, like girls, sleep around just for the physical affection and maybe even with the hope of falling for someone. I've known a lot of people who do that. I crave sex an awful lot but it's not in my nature to sleep around. I also don't believe that sleeping with a guy is going to make him like me. He'll like me regardless of whether or not I sleep with him. I've never done that. But it still doesn't stop me craving sex

I've often wondered if all these non-commital people are as non-committal as they'd have us believe. I think deep down most of us want just one person and to be adored but I also think in this current culture many people say they don't want committment because they don't want to get rejected by the other person who says they don't want a commitment. So many people don't know where they stand anymore and are often too afraid to find out. I don't want a commitment to just any guy but I'd love a commitment to a wonderful guy who adores me just as much as I adore him. But unfortunately, being the chicken that I am, he'd have to make his feelings clear first. I'm sure I've lost out on a few guys before because I come accross as indifferent and non-commital, when in fact I'm terrified of getting rejected and hurt by that rejection. Does that make any sense?

Hmm, the fact that he wants to "play" for a while isn't a good indicator of something that will be healthy for you. There's always the chance of getting in too deep and kicking yourself because you knew from the start he wanted to just "play". Even ice skating with him could blur your judgement and lead you to want more than he does. I never realised how important physical touch is. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to flip it. Just to have someone play with my hair, rub my stomach or back....and look where that's got me! I have an overwhelming lack of physical affection in my life, except with my FWB. Maybe I'll book myself in somewhere for a nice, relaxing, hour-long massage.

I think that dating's a much safer option, particularly emotinally. I really believe that my FWB situation has dampened my faith in the opposite sex. It's my fault too. Dating won't get you in too deep and mess with your head so much. I definitely won't do FWB again either. Blurring is the key word. You can't even really make boundaries can you? It's like you do most things that a couple would - snuggle on the lounge, have long chats, have sex...but you're not actually a couple. I'm starting to wonder what the whole point of that is? It's definitely where things can get blurred. I don't want that. FWB is more stressful than having a boyfriend. There's no exclusivity to being a FWB, which makes it tougher and which also heightens feelings of rejection. FWB definitely plays with your ego in an unhealthy way. I don't want him as a boyfriend, yet I want to be able to ring him whenever I feel like it without worrying if he's in a bad mood or if he just doesn't want to be with me tonight. Being an FWB also puts you in the position where if they pay more attention to someone else and decide they don't want to spend as much time with you, it can affect your self-esteem. Damn right. Even though I may not want a relationship with the guy, I would still never ignore him the day after. My FWB has never ignored me the day after but he has ignored me when there's been other girls around. Something I don't think would be happening if we weren't FWB's (or that I wouldn't notice half as much if we weren't FWB's). It just sucks when you crave company and physical affection and they're the only one available to you right now. It takes a lot of strength to say 'no'.

It's not that I want the relationship to change because I don't. He's just so hot and cold with me and I'm always consistent with him. Maybe I just don't do FWB well. He gives me the cold shoulder when there's another single girl thrown into the mix - won't talk to me in the same way that he usually does. In fact, he'll hardly acknowledge me, which I think is really disprectful and rude. I never do that to him. I treat him the same every time I see him, regardless of who's around- and no - I don't smother him or hang off him. I treat him like I've always treated him. It's like he wants me when it suits him only. I just want a 2-way street. He'll pay other people attention and spend plenty of time in conversation with them but when it comes to me, he doesn't even look at me and will only have a deep conversation with me when there's no one else around. FWB is not healthy for me but I'm not sure I'm ready for a full-on relationship. I'm looking for an ideal situation in an unideal moment.

I think it's unfortunate that my FWB, who I've always considered someone as open, honest and respectful of me, has frustrated me so much. I think that's why I've lost some faith in guys because I believed him to be someone I can trust. Why does sex have to change things?

I have no problem with meeting a guy, enjoying his company and having sex sometimes. That's how a lot of relationships develop. Even if nothing develops, that's fine because not everything is going to lead to a boyfriend/girlfriend situation. It's all trial and error. I have a problem feeling like I'm a last resort. I think too, that my problem is getting involved with guys who make you feel like they only have eyes for you when really, their eyes are always wandering hoping to find their next conquest. I get so frustrated with people being inconsistent in their behaviour and feeling like you can't always approach them when you feel like it. My FWB is giving such mixed signals. One minute I feel like he really wants my company then the next minute I feel like he couldn't give a damn, especially when he acts so hot and cold towards me. I've always considered him one of my closest guy friends but now I'm not so sure. Even though we have sex sometimes, I respect him just the same. But I don't think he does me.

I'm 29 and I've been single for 5 years. Most of those years were by choice after a very painful breakup. However, I seem to be finding myself in situations where I end up with duds. Duds who love my company and compliment me until the cows come home and then voila! Throw sex into the mix and they start acting like total jerks. It's almost like their goal was to sleep with me and once they do it's "see ya later!" Most recently, a friend of mine, who I've known for a few years has offered his company to me (ie to watch DVD's, hang out etc) if I ever want to. Yes, we have sex too but it's reached a point where I don't think he treats me with the respect I deserve and I've had enough. Throw another single girl into the mix and I fade into the background. It's very hurtful because I thought we were friends and we both know we've been through hell in the past. His behaviour towards me is erratic and inconsistent. Anyway, what I'd really like to know is this: are there lots of guys out there who are looking for a decent girl? Guys who won't look at a girl as bum and boobs and a potential shag? Guys who would love to get to know you as not just a pretty face but as someone who loves to have a good conversation, someone who loves to go out and chill out and who kicks butt at Texas Hold 'em? Hehe. I'm not looking for The One. Just some mutual respect and someone who's stable and who wants my company without wondering who else could be out there. It's really getting me down. I can't tell you how much I crave company and some affection and this situation with my friend has made it even harder for me now. I'm very down-to-earth with a lot to offer but I feel like guys just don't care.

I'm the only single one out of my friends (I'm 29). They're all settling down, moving in together and popping out kids. I know that I want that someday too. So often I feel like everyone's life is moving forward except mine. So often I feel like I'm on the outside looking in and that I don't really fit in anymore, that I must be missing out on something. It's tough to meet people when all your friends are settling down and don't go out much anymore. Trust me, I feel your pain. But I do know that oneday, I will find it and it will be when the time's right. And so will you. Maybe you could try speed dating or the internet?

Wow. The words I want to use to describe him would definitely not be allowed on this forum. He is one nasty piece of work who doesn't deserve a good woman like yourself. He doesn't deserve your energy. Have you tried to make a list of pros and cons of this guy? I just noticed your signature and he definitely wouldn't fit any of those qualities of a good relationship. I'm sure if you made a list and kept looking at it regularly, you'd find that soon enough you'll see him for the person he really is - or isn't. While it's only natural to miss a person, no matter how badly they've treated you, what you probably miss more than anything is the person you thought he was or the person you wanted him to be. You probably thought he was Mr Wonderful when you met him but we all get sucked in by those first impressions, which can sometimes be hard to shake. The truth is, the person you initially fell for is not the real him. He's showed his true colours now and they're not pretty at all. My advice: tell him to come back to Sydney, take him to Summernats and run him over

Thanks for your advice guys Something occurred to me tonight: our friendship seems to becoming too based on sex and that's what I don't like. About a month or so ago, out of the blue, he told me that if I ever want company, want to watch a DVD or if I'm bored at work I can call him whenever I want. I'd like to be able to just hang out with him sometimes and it not always lead to sex. I don't want to cheapen the friendship. But at the same time, I don't want him to treat me differently just because we have sex (hence the ignoring me at the party). The question that remains is what happens if one of us meets someone else? One of us will probably feel a bit let down because we're not there in the same way anymore. I don't ever want to hurt his feelings either. I really need to nail this one on the head.

I've posted here before about my FWB situation. I think I need a few good knocks on the head to wake me up too because I think I know what I should do. We've known each other for a few years and since August have slept together every now and again. At one stage we both decided we shouldn't do FWB (at which point he also told me he cares for me a lot and really likes me and respects me) but that didn't last long. We seem to gravitate towards each other sexually and have always gotten along very well. The problem now is that it's reached a point where I want to knock him unconcsious. His behaviour towards me has become very inconsistent, particularly when there's a particular girl thrown in the mix. I've been told that he doesn't like her in that way but that he has a soft spot for her because she's going through a tough time (they're both single parents). On the last 2 occasions that she's been at a party with us, he's pretty much brushed me off all night. He acts like I don't exist and will rarely look me in the face when I say something. On the other hand, if she's not there, he's all over me like a rash and will happily talk to me all night and act like a friend should. I put up with a moody ex-boyfriend for 4.5 years and I sure as hell am not going to put up with this hot and cold behaviour from a friend. That's what upsets me the most - we're friends yet he runs hot and cold with me. My behaviour towards him is always consistent. I treat him the same way every time I see him regardless of who's in the crowd. I just don't understand the need for him to behave like that. It's insulting because even though we're both in a situation where we fulfill each others needs, his ignoring me when it suits him makes me feel like that in his eyes, I'm just a box for him to masturbate in and not a friend that he should respect. All that being said, I could never see myself in a relationship with him, so that's not an issue (he's immature, takes speed too much and has a lot of issues to deal with). We're friends who have both been through a lot of hard times in the past with exes and have an understanding that we're friends who have sex sometimes. I just feel it isn't a 2-way street with him. I also feel I've made it way too easy for him by sleeping with him when he wants (I'm a very toey 29 year old). Like I've said before, it's probably partly an ego thing too where I want him to pay all the attention to me but come on - not even looking me in the face when I talk to him when she's around? By the same token, he was happy to make make sexual innuendo out of a few things I said but it wasn't always when she was around. He knows me much better than he knows this girl and he's known me longer yet he treated her with more respect. On the other hand, he'll totally bar his best mate for any given amount of time if he has the poops with him (usually over something petty - like the time we went bowling without him and he doesn't even like bowling). Next time I see him, I'm thinking of telling him that the FWB situation isn't going to happen anymore because it should be relatively hassle free and with him it isn't. I'm fed up with his hot and cold bullsh!t. I just find it rude and disrespectful. It's the kind of behaviour I'd expect from someone who's just a booty call with no friendship as a basis, not a FWB (if that makes any sense). I'm really quite angry and upset with his behaviour. I feel very let down by him as a friend. I don't want my lonliness and the fact that he's the only one there at the moment to draw me into having sex with him again when I just don't get treated the way he treats everyone else. What do you suggest I do? What should I say to him without sounding like an angry cow? I want to be blunt and to the point and show him that I have self-respect enough to not put up with this cr@p.

I'm actually starting to think that this situation probably isn't so good after all. Whenever there is our usual group of friends around, he flirts with me and is very enthusiastic. However, if there's another girl thrown into the mix, he changes his attitude towards me and practically brushes me off. He did this on on NYE. I was really unhappy yesterday and still feel rather cr@ppy today too. We've been friends for a few years and it's hurtful. I treat him the same, all the time, regardless of who is around yet he doesn't show me the same respect. I feel that he wants me when he feels like it, but when I want some company, he doesn't. It probably doesn't help that whenever he wants to spend time with me, I always do. I'm making this way too easy for him and letting myself down in the process. I suppose what I really need is a boyfriend - someone who wants me and only me and someone who I know where I stand with. I also think that my ego has a big part to play with it - I want him to want me and pay attention to only me but in this kind of situation it's not going to work like that is it?

I've never had 'pity sex'. I've heard of people who have though and from what I understand it's having sex with someone not purely out of attraction but moreso because they want sex, so do you and you think why the hell not fulfill their needs as well as mine. The problem is, usually one person will probably have feelings, while the other is just taking advantage of that to get sex. Another problem is that if one of the people aren't aware that they're a 'sympathy shag' it can cause a lot of problems down the track. Personally, I can only have sex with someone I'm totally attracted to. No other reason. I'd hate for someone to have pity sex with me. I wouldn't let it happen. I want them to be attracted to me and vice versa. I'd hazard a guess that it happens to more women than men.

Ok, well, um...we were talking the other day about oral sex and he was talking about the anus and well...yeah, he was dying to include that area in his oral sex repetoire and he did. He thoroughly enjoyed it and so did I I can honestly say I've never met a man so keen to put his tongue there. And he hasn't done it to me before and we've slept together about 4 times. But hell, he was keen. We do get along very well although he p!sses me off at times. He's very hot and cold with me. We're very physically attracted to each other but I hate it when he brushes me off because he's in a mood or whatever. I don't know. I think what threw me more than anything was his totally casual reply. The text he sent me last week was along the lines of "don't forget the massage oil so I can get those knots out of that hot @rse of yours and then I can massage the rest of your body really, really slow...". (I injured my butt last week doing watersports). Gawd dammit, I'm getting toey just thinking about that! So my message to him yesterday was "I'd like to take you up on that massage offer of last week but I'd like to do you first...for as long as I want...then you can do me...". I thought that would be enough to make any guy jump up and down and throw air punches, especially one who is so physically attracted to me and is always complimenting my body. A group of us were playing poker last week and I was sitting in my bikini and shorts and he told me the next day he had a huge urge to just take me back to his place. *sigh* I, of course, replied "well, why didn't you?". hehe.

Do you think that maybe your parents grill you because you don't open up to them at all? Try to remember that you are at an awkward age where you're becoming more independent and you want to keep things to yourself but being your parents, they will always feel the need to grill you over things. I'm 29 and I still get grilled by my mother. I think it's just an instinctual parental ting. I give away very little but just enough to keep her satisfied. My mother once told me that even when I'm 50, I'll still be her daughter and she will still worry about me. It annoys the cr@p out of me but it's just the way it is. Maybe your parents are also trying to teach you responsibility and that things have to be earned and not just got (if that makes any sense). They're still completely responsible for you even though you probably don't like it. The thing with my family is that it's a give and take relationship on both sides. It sounds like your parents are having a hard time letting go of their 'little boy'. Maybe socialising with them a little more and not being so distant will minimise their need to pry. Give them every reason to believe that they've got nothing to worry about.