Jlizzy
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Paisley -he claims to be past it and it hasn't been spoken about now for a good while but I am not convinced myself he has gotten over it. We're now 6 months further. I've really tried to do whatever necessary to aid him in getting past it...ie by apologising, and talking with him about it if he wanted and answering any questions he had and trying to be sweet for him and show him my appreciation. Now I feel a bit taken for granted.
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A- I'm worried to make a fuss because I made a stupid stupid mistake at the 2 month mark of sharing a bed with a mate (who I went back to visit for a week) whom I had travelled with for 3 months and also slept with during the travels. When asked about it I told my boyfriend the truth. Part of it btw to make it clear being that I never cheated but rather than have the hassles of seeking and paying for accommodation and trying to make arrangements with my mate or sleeping on a hard floor and the critique I would get from my mate, I stupidly chose to share the bed and as you can imagine my boyfriend was really hurt about this and so the relationship has been wrought with many a problem since this stupid mistake of mine. Last point: I have a hearing problem which makes me a highly visual person. Eg I find it immensely difficult to take a shot at pool if someone is at the other end moving their arms or whatever...so am I just being overly perceptive? I definitely noticed however about 40 probably more like 50% of the time when I was taking shots last night at pool my boyfriend was looking over to the table behind me where there was a woman big big boobs on show playing!
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Due to some turmoil I went through with my ex husband I think i still have a bit of a hangup about faithfullness and relationships...my ex put me through some crap..long story..and actually another ex did too come to think of it. Ie they both in their own ways cheated on me. I think however all things considered I've managed to remain well balanced and not let these experiences destroy me. Anyway..I don't know if it's just my hangups from the past, or that I've now moved in with my boyfriend and am thus spending more time with him to notice such things or that I am actually perceiving this right or a combination of all of the above but I feel like in the past 3 weeks my boyfriend has suddenly developed a wandering eye for women! (Btw it is for these reasons I haven't said anything to my bf as yet..Ie how factual are my perceptions?) Before we could be out, and as aforementioned I am a bit senstive on this topic due to past experiences, and there could be a really cute girl or more walking by and my boyfriend didn't bat an eyelid of turn his head. Now we're out playing pool or whatever I notice him regularly looking over at some skimpy clad girl or a girl with big boobs whilst I'm taking my shot. Then I start playing awfull because I just feel my heart sink and my blood boil...inside it upsets me but I'm doing my best to not show it and to try and rationalise to myself we're all human..my boyfriend loves me but that doesn't stop someone from appreciating a good looking person and sure I look too. However I could never bring myself to look so much in the presense of my partner..despite my liking to sometimes play someone especially my partner at their own game as a last resort, something like this I just couldn't do it. I couldn't. I'd find it too disrespectful and hurtful. To add to it when I was using the computer the other day I was checking through the history for a link I had used myself and it seems he was having himself a field day looking up all kinds of models. I'm not sure if I'm out of line or he. Or both? Again I myself definitely can appreciate a good looking guy and there's things I do that surely would match checking out another girl but I would never do the dirt on my partner ever or intentionally disrespect them in a bad or mean way. What's your opinion on this, on wandering eyes and does a wandering eye have any link with the likihood of a person cheating? I don't understand how suddenly my boyfriend is checking out these other girls. What annoys me most about it is I feel like we're a couple of 10 years sometimes as opposed to 8 months! I don't feel incredibly sexy his eyes and we spend so much time just slumped on the couch watching tv which annoys the crap out of me and sex at the moment is at best once a week. I want more loving and more variety..I'm trying to figure out too what I should be doing to help this situation. Sometimes I'm not good at pushing for something new. I prefer to be led. I prefer to be passive. You're advice is appreciated
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Clementyne - That's a really good point on your part... I'm just terrified..things in the past 2-3 weeks finally finally are starting to get really nice again...like I feel finally we're winning back what we had in the first 2 months and I am terrified this will just set it all off again even though regarding this guy I know online I have done NOTHING wrong. If I tell my bf about having met him on the net then I'm telling the majority of the truth. Chances my bf would find out that the intial contact was on a dating site is slim I think..however granted if he pushes me enough on the topic..well I'm a terrible liar so...
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Ooh. not 100% what I expected. I mentioned about how "my boyfriend is not an a**" because I actually previously posted about problems in the relationship and people felt he wasn't being fair (despite knowing about the stupid blunder on my part). I didn't share a bed with my mate for attention. It was a naeive stupid stupid mistake. I stupidly was so blissfully happy with my bf that I thought i could know that he could trust me ..yes looking back stupid stupid. Also my other nationality -we're way more liberal. When i described this problem to my best friend there she too couldn't udnerstand it as for young 20 somethings..if you need a place to sleep it's not highly unusual to share a bed with a friend of the opposite sex...with nothing else happing. I was back in my other home country last weekend and met a male friend (i think i mentioned this in the original thread) about 1.5 hours away from where I was staying. he suggested to come visit me if he had a place to stay -this basically due to the set up would have meant sharing the same bed! So I went to where he lives (the offer was there to stay with him). Rather than make a dumb mistake again I visited my friend, took a 3am nighttrain back to where I was staying and didn't make it to my bed til 6am. Had to be up at 9 again. So... This is why something young 20 somethings from my other nationality do this. Though yes obiously when in a relationship you need to be more cautious. I just didn't think and the options when visiting my mate I initially mentioned whom I shared the bed with -I didn't like the options of either finding a hostel or hotel and having my mate make a fuss that I was being silly, or sleep on a hard floor. Again..I know now it was a stupid mistake. As regards to the guy I met on the dating website..he knows about my boyfriend and we've justa taked here and there online. I don't see how I am doing anything wrong but granted and am scared my bf might have a problem with it. I'm thinking perhaps the best thing is I just leave it at that I met him online. I just don't want to stir more crap!
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Chris -one word-mindf***!!!!! Or better still -HYPOCRISY. It reminds me of my ex. If I were you..and I know it's always so easy to say it from the outside looking in..but walk away you deserve a lot better and her behaviour is very very suspicious. And even if she's not doing something wrong...she's not being fair with you..she should understand why this bothers you especially considering her high standards she set on you!
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I'm clingy and very much in pain (Please help!)
Jlizzy replied to Clementyne's topic in Relationship Advice
I can somewhat relate..I think we've all been there in some way or other..we're all human at the end of the day. Hard as it is: try and push yourself to go out with your mates again and to do things for yourself. Quit looking to your boyfriend to be your pepper upper..you know this already. I've jsut passed through a 2 month phase myself where I had turned a bit clingy and I had no clue how to turn it back around...now that I've finally managed to back off and be my own person and do my own thing my bf is texting me more, telling me more sweet things, looking for my attention more and so on. As for saying it to your boyfriend..very tricky definitely..I can relate..as agian with my boyfriend I was caught between being honest and yet another occasion of coming out with a problem essentially. I've tried to switch my focus to the positive. I'm trying to do things for myself and drop my expectations of my bf. When he does something I like I tell him so and thank him for it. If theres something i would like I try to put the positive spin on it...eg by phrasing senstances with we as opposed to you and by making a positive statement about my desires as opposed to a statement that could be misinterpreted as a criticism. I wish you luck coz I know myself it can be VERY tough indeed! -
OK some of you may recognise my name. For those who don't: I was having some difficulty with my bf. First 2 months were bliss and then it got all rocky. I blame this on the fact that at the 2 month mark when I went to visit a male friend in Europe whom I had travelled with for 3 months and yes also slept with in the past, it turned out that the appartment he was staying in was tiny and so I ended up sharing a bed with him. Other than my mate trying it on with me nothing happened because I pushed him away. However, I knew my bf would enquire conversationaly, when he saw me about the appartment. I had already made the decision that I would be upfront about it when asked. This caused major turmoil in the months since. Anyway, finally, finally in the last 1.5 weeks to 2 weeks things are really picking up and I definitely see a difference. It's lovely. However last night we spoke on the phone and during our conversation he came out with "oh hey what's this about you and your manfriend?". Referring to a mate I went to visit when I went back to my other home country last weekend. I had told my bf at the time and he forgot and I sent texts telling him what I was doing too. I'm a thorough believer in being able to ask your partner a question if you feel uncertain (we've had 2 occasions over the past month where my bf wasn;t happy with me questioning him), however I'm sad at what is coming accross to me as a definate remaining insecurity from this whole incident with my mate i shared a bed with, despite my bf's claims that he's well over it. Anyway i guess my number 1 question is this: this week a friend (though I haven;t actually ever met him in person) whom I got to know through a dating website, well before I met my bf, passed on a really good lead for me businesswise.It's basically a collboration of 2 companies. I'm really excited about it. I told my bf as well in brief over the phone about it before the conversation got moved onto something else. I'm worried my bf will come back on this and ask about which friend and when he hears that I emt the guy on the net -how did I meet him and so on...Point being I'm debating between just saying a guy I met on ICQ for example and thereby somewhat lying or actually saying I met him on a dating site and risking more hassle? The above story really makes my bf sound like a complete a**h*** and controller but he's not. Yes he's displayed some signs over the past so many months that I'm keeping an eye to but he's not some kind of guy who's watching my every step and telling me what to do. ANy advice welcome!
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Thanks Annie. Well I definitely feel it's my own fault for spending a month saying yes I want to move in, oh eh I'm not so sure..I have some concerns, ok now I feel better so yes, oh honey sorry I'm not sure again... Not fair on my bf. The rent has to be paid on the 25th and so he told the flatmate.. I half wonder though as the strange thing is..it means he must have told the flatmate whilst the flatmate was on holidays..hmmm
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Well after a long heart to heart with my mum -she's one of my best friends and is great with advice and manages to stay balanced -I decided to wanted to wait. yesterday my bf asked about it...and then exclaimed how he had already told the flatmate so if I don't move in my bf gets stucks paying my 3rd of the rent as the deal has been done now with the flatmate... So I feel like I don't have much choice -I shouldn't have waited so long and been so indecisive..I guess I'll just have to see how it goes.. Even a close friend of mine though who knows me very well..spoke to her today for first time in ages..Upon hearing the story she too made reference to my ex..how bizarre...
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Yeah I agree that the parents should probably be informed for the welfare of their daughter. That's way messy!!
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Read what I wrote in the other thread. I was basically backing your boyfriend up more than you. Now read these words: you're not married yet. Walk away. RUN! I think people maybe sometimes start looking for issues because they're scard but also often it can actually be a sign of sensing a deeper rotted problem. I had this happen with my ex husband. I wasn't feeling comfortable. Turned out he had been writing emails to "his great friend Laurie" for a year about how much they wanted to f*** each other. Last emails they were writing was where they were takling about meeting up. definitely get out. This is too much of a mess.
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I need help, something is REALLY troubling me about my fiancee.
Jlizzy replied to engagedkitty's topic in Relationship Advice
ounds to me like a situation where your finacee knows it was wrong and hence is getting annoyed at you bringing it up. The truth probably hurts. Yes he should have known better, yes he could have gotten into serious trouble, yes it could ahve been constituted as child molesation. On the flip side of the coin...judging on the basis of the story..it really does sound like he's simple attracted to younger women. as many men are and so when he was at that age he was a bit stupid to realise the mistake he was making. As another poster pointed out..he didn't view it as child molestation. I'm sure he looks at it a bit different now and I'm sure in hiw own head he's already kicking himself. Personally I find it a slight irony the idea that men in particular (more rarely a woman) - we readily accept it as a norm that men can date women of5/6 years younger and even up to about 20..no big deal but as soon as a girl is accross the other side of the line of 18 then bang they're a child and a man is supposed to view eg a 17 year old girl as such. Obviously we have laws and stuff in place to protect children which is VERY VERY important and obviously it's up to adults to know the difference between right and wrong. My point being that can we necessarily blame a guy for finding say a 16-17 year old girl sexually attractive. This is perhaps where your finacee went wrong-he acted on it instead of knowing these girls were too young. Anyway to get to the point...give the guy a break. If you love him and care for him give him a break. Either it's a big deal or not. If it's a big deal what are you going to do about it? Coz you're not going to help your relationship by giving your finacee a hard time about something he did in the past. Also..having been married myself in the past and now divorced I wonder is there subconsciously a part of you looking for issues? You're obviously coming up to your wedding I guess sometime in the next year. You might want to just step back and do a health check on yourself. Are you feeling slightly nervous about it? Lastly..a 12 year old boy..wel kudos to him..he knows the difference between right and wrong but he's 12! lso chances are at his age the whole idea of boys being with girls is still a bit icky and he's just crossing over into a somehwat curious stage. To think of his brother who to him is a big grown up together with a girl young enough to hang around with himself is bound to be quite icky! Hope this helps -
Healinghands: You're a good counsellor! If you're not already doing so, you could make good money out of this! LOL. Repeat issues: Initially my partner exlaims how my stories are so interesting and how I'm so interesting and blah de blah. My current bf told me how I don't do small talk and he loves my stories. Both with my ex and current bf there arrive(d) a stage when suddenly my storytelling seems to be a negaitve. Yes I can talk a lot. Yes I like to go into detail and yes I am quite adamant on finishing my story even if it's been heard before though if I know then I will at least try to cut out the middle part and cut straight to the finishing pt. From my perspective I feel like my partners seem to admire certain traits in me which before long they seem to end up having issues w the very same traits! I felt really hurt after all the crap my ex gave me about my stories and how I felt I couldn't be me..to hear issues from my current bf about my stories. To his credit he has in the meantime apologised and said he should accept me as I am. There's patterns I see within myself and in how my relationships seem to be going. I think I seem to start off very much individualistic and determined to hold my ground until I hear complaints about not coming from a we or us standpt and then I guess maybe I take a 180 degree turn at which pt it seems my partner goes off in the other direction! I also feel perhaps I need to be more assertive/stern in my relationships. I let my current bf "away with some stuff" due to my stupid mistake as I was trying to focus on building him back up but he admitted himself that I let him treat me like a kid was the example that came up. These are some examples amongst a number of exmaples that I see cropping up and I find it scary. Past hurts are in vain if I haven't learnt from it! This would kill me!
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Btw to make the whole story more complicated again!: Part of my frustrations with my Bf lie in seeing some patterns emerging in all my relationships it seems..well at least some patterns that were also present with my ex husband. This I find really really scary. I did not fight my way out of such turmoil to land myself in it again. I wonder do I attract certain behaviour from guys but also..is there something I'm doing wrong? I just went over some old emails there with my ex and I see some similar arguments cropping up! Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy!! RE moving in I'm going back and forth back and forth..I want to just give it a shot yet the consensus echoes do it!
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Healinghands -I have no issue with him smoking. I even join in myself here and there. I'm very liberal in that respect. Here's the strange irony -according to my bf his ex wouldn't allow him to smoke. So he would do it behind her back. With me it's no big deal. The strange irony being if anything I WANT him to smoke as the attributes that made me fall in love with him such as easy communication, good conversation, lovely affection etc etc come out much more when he has smoked. I didn't realise this in the beginning. So..what bothers me is to think that I am in love with traits that come out when he's under the influence of a drug as opposed to traits that are in him when he's not under the influence!
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Hmm..I just ...if the final outcome were to be that we part ways..I'm not ready to make that decision yet and I want to give it a shot. I love him. I also worry if I don't move in maybe I'll sit here for the next so many months wondering and wondering...at least if I move in it should become quite clear fairly quickly. I currently live back with my family just accross the city so moving back home wouldn't be a major hassle even in terms of belongings. I'm thinking I could try it on a trial basis. Advice still VERY welcome..I don't expect to see people just agree with me for the sake of it. That of course is pointless.
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Btw all of you..I REALLY appreciate your responses here! I've been a member of a dating website for about 2 years and so I still use the forum to seek advice (my profile states i'm in a relationship) but the people there often make silly jokes and mock your comments. So the advice I'm getting here means a LOT to me. Healinghands..I think you're on to a pt yourself. I got very focussed on trying to do whatever necessary to get us both through this. My bf mentioned wanting to do things together and how he felt I was in this relationship from an I perspective rather than we. I feel like perhaps I took his words so much on board that I began to give too much of myself emotionally. Even when we were on holidays we had the discussion about his annoyance with a guy on the trip for treating me like a child so I told my bf how I felt a bit like he was treating me this way. He admitted it. I asked him why. He said "because I let him". I think also a thing that happened after the whole me sleeping with my mate thing: suddenly my self esteem and confidence took a major drop. I was the cause of a DREAM RELATIONSHIP turning sour. THis hurts A LOT. I was married before and have been through so much crap and I managed to destroy my own dream through a STUPID mistake. With my confidence and stuff down suddenly old fears and especially habits from my last relationship began creeping back upon me! Habits like dancing around on ice before actually making the point. (My ex was VERY difficult to talk to). Any advice on how to bring this forward is highly welcome. I'm thinking maybe I should just move in and see what happens. Maybe this would make my bf feel more at ease. Maybe him feeling like I'm on the brink of walking away is allowing his negative feelings to fester? Maybe by being together we can nuture a more healthy relationship. I'd just need to be sure to make it clear if I wanted more communication or affection. And I also feel I need to take some of my independance back again for a while by building up my own activities for a while. Til such time that we're seeking/needing each other even more..
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So how do get an answer? I think at this pt we're getting into too many deep heart to hearts in too short a space of time. I'm very worried to scare him away and/or piss him off by needing to have a heart to heart every week... His attitide..I'm not sure..it definitely took a turn when he found out about about me sharing a bed with my mate. however I think some of this is him just being him..and ALSO a thing that really really bugs me: he behaviour seems to be heavily linked with whether or not he smokes grass! Ie I think in the honeymoon phase he smoked a lot of the stuff and I've noticed he's much more snappy and difficult to communicate with when he hasn't smoked! THis is bad. It seems I fell in love with a stoner..ie I mean not just that I fell in love with someone who smokes...but I fell in love with the person I see come out when he's smoked..
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Talo-VERY wise words on your part. Are you a buddhist? Thanks for your words. Very much appreciated. Interesting how you mentioned that he wasn't listening to my feelings without me stating it. This is certainly how I felt. However, a day later, as he often does..he came back saying he'd been thinking and in the past week I seee some evidence of him taking my points on board...
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Yes I ahve of course tried to twist it on it's head and I have had plenty of time to realise how it must have hurt him. Thing is that I want to figure out how to move on. I want to figure out how to help him know that I'm trustworthy. I want to figure out how to win back what we once had. I want to figure out will we ever get it back? I want to figure out should I just walk and leave? I think it's strange that at first we still ahd the passion and it seems that as the last 3 months wore on it just got worse.. now it seems perhaps I've gotten through to him a little bit and I see a slight change.. Guys please your advice this actually had me a bit depressed. I want to move in with hima dn yet I'm scared of making a mistake.
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Closure: Your point is a good one. It's also one of my fears. But my boyfriend at this pt gets annoyed and says he's over it. Yet I see the way he says "you shared a bed with another man!". In my eyes there's still anger. But when I said this to him he completely disclaims it and gets annoyed. I'm overanalysing etc etc etc. It makes me really really sad to think of this. And thinking about what you're saying puts the question on the tip of my tongue...should I just end it now and remove the pain it's caused? If this is still going on will it ever get better? I don't want to spend my life thinking my bf has doubt about me or doesn't trust me.
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Thanks for the advice so far. Very much appreciated! What went wrong: I was stupid stupid stupid enough to share a bed with my mate when I went to visit him in Vienna. I wasn't aware of the sleeping arrangements before I went over though should have sorted this out beforehand. I naievely thought sharing the bed would be ok coz I had made it clear I had a bf and I didn't want the hassle or the risk of a petty argument by either arranging to get myself into a hostel/hotel or by sleeping on a hard wooden floor. Nothing happened..well other than that my mate tried it on with me one night at which point I pushed him away. That was that. I saw my bf a few days later. We went straight to Budapest. On our 3rd of 4th day he asked me in general conversation about the appartment I stayed in. I never told him over the phone as I didn't want to worry him and it was hard. But when he asked I told him the truth straight away. Inevitabley he was very upset. Upset at me sharing a bed with a man who in his eyes is an ex lover (my mate and I travelled together for 3 months and yes I guess in my eyes we were buddies with benefits but I realise that it's more important to see how my bf sees it). He was also upset that I "hid the truth" from him. Ie by not telling him straight away. This was the start of things going rocky. He vowed then it would be ok. I've tried my best to do whatever I need to do to help the situation..I've done this by talking honestly with him where needed, telling him I'm sorry, etc etc. He's told me he's over it and gone to the point of saying during our holidays when we had another such conversation "stop beating yourself upover it!". I explained that I'm not but the change happened at the 2 month mark (ie when this "event" happened. Then half an hour later he say "Jo you shared a bed with another man. I need to build back up my trust". I'm good with vibes and I feel he is still angry about it but he claims he's not. To me immediately after my bad mistake obviously things were akward but there was still passion. By the time our last holiday came around I felt like we were a couple that had been together for 5/10 years. The passion seemed to be gone, we ewre doing our own thing. Granted maybe holding hands here and there but all in all..not in my mind a couple of 5 months. I've talked to him about it since (as he wanted to go and pick up furniture for me to move in!) and well the conversation was relatively painfull..he can get quite nasty when he's caught offguard...ie he makes some ansty comments... Anyay after he came back, as he often does saying he was sorry adn he's been thinking about it and he himself wants to communicate more and he's paranoid he will lose me etc etc etc... And so the past week I have seen him making an effort to take my comments on board...
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Closure -well we've been on 2 hols together so I have a fair idea... Some of the things that worried me were during our last 2 week holiday together. We got back 2 weeks ago. Anne -you're making very good points! I'm really really confused! And I don't want to keep telling my boyfriend yes no yes no..today I told him a yes basically... Right now I live with my parents again (I have lived 2 years away from home during college and also for 9 months in America with my ex). Yes not a great track record I guess. Thing is at least this time around if it goes a bit haywire..my folks are just accross the city as opposed to much further away. In the honeymoon phase we talked for like 6 hours non stop. It came out in recent talks how he just doesn't really like to talk so much. He's a stereotypical bloke and I a stereotypical woman in that respect. I LOVE talking! I just feel for a number of reasons that perhaps our relationship would be better suited to us living together and at least this way yes surely I would know a hell of a lot quicker if this is what I want yes or no...
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My boyfriend and I have been together just over 5 months. I love him dearly. The problem being after 2 months of absolute heaven in terms of communication, passion, love, affection etc etc...things took a turn and the relationship has been quite rocky. We've had some talks over the past month and I feel that last weekend (not thsi current weekend but a week ago) we actually got some useful clarity on the situation and I feel like finally he's understanding my concerns and acting on them a bit. The dream I had during our honeymoon phase of how things could be when the honeymoon bit were to wear off alas seems to be pretty much gone and I'm left to try and work with something different to what I initially expected. We agreed for me to move in with him months back. Back in teh first two months I would have more than happily done it. IN the past month or so I was VERY uncomfortable with the idea. Now I am beginning to feel better about it but still not feeling 100%. A friend made the comment that at least by moving in I'll know faster whetehr or not this is to be or not...it'll be clearer..otherwise I'll just be wondering and wondering. I also feel the way our relationship is..it'd be easier for me to move in. Easier due to commuting and that if he sits down to watch tv and I start getting bored I can go and play my keyboard or whatever... Any ideas or advice on the best plan of action. Today he asked me how I felt about it. I said I don't want to be up down on him but as I feel right now I'd be happy to move in. He's assumed this means definitely. I'm scared to contradict this now as it's not fair to put him through yes, maybe, no, maybe, yes, maybe, no...