waylon

If you don't want to get back together with the guy its 100% your choice.... Don't mess with the poor guys emotions though, yes you come first but think before you act. I can only imagine how bad this poor guy is going to feel now, that wasnt very nice.

Been thinking about my post earlier, its ridiculous. If anything the only thing making me less attractive are my own insecurities.

Yes it does, sent you a pm...

Thanks for the reply Butterflycloud, btw didnt know there were other South Africans on the site Im from Pretoria.

Its been about 4 months since my Ex left me. I feel much better than what I did in the beginning... I have some good days but mostly I'm just depressed or really angry. At least I've gotten past the phase of needing to call her all the time, nowadays its her that will send me a text every now and then asking how I am. I'm really struggling with my perception of myself though. I'm permanently thinking that I don't earn enough or that I don't look good enough. I know I shouldn't feel this way, I'm better off financially than all of my friends and as far as looks are concerned I shouldn't complain either. I still cant control how I feel though, I'm permanently in the Gym whenever I see someone else that is built better than me it drives me insane. I keep thinking that my ex could date that person which would make me second best. In the end all I do is push and push until I cant anymore and then I'm depressed cos I'm not moving fast enough. I live to workout at the moment and no matter how hard I push it isn't far enough and I still feel completely worthless. When will this ever end..?

I've posted my full story here in the past, its been about 2.5 months now since the break-up... I'll recap quickly : My Ex dumped my after a 3 year relationship (lived together) because she wasn't in love with me anymore but still loved me... We tried getting back together but in the end I decided that it wasn't going to work. I decided to end it due to the fact that she didn't want to become emotional in anyway with me because she was afraid of hurting me again... I felt that if she wasn't prepared to take a risk then there was no point in trying to trust her again. I wish I could reach a point where I have some emotional stability. Some days I'm so angry that all I can think about is how much I hate her and how she's messed up my life. Then I have days like today where I really miss what I had before and really wish I could have it back... She sent me an sms last week to ask for a favour and I completely flipped out. I told her to get out of my life because the mere thought of her brought a level of hate and disgust that I felt for no other person... Then last week Friday I was out with a friend and bumped into my Ex's best friend at a coffee shop. Since then all I can do is think about how much I miss her and I'm wondering what she is up to the whole time... I really hate feeling like this, I was never such an overly emotional person before. I pride myself on being calm and collected in all situations. Why cant I deal with this? I don't want to be permanently going through this diverse range of intense emotional states... I cant imagine anything worse than my Ex remembering me as this complete psycho one day because of this.

For me it works in different ways. I know girls that I could trust no matter what and then you get people that you will never trust. I quite honestly never trusted my ex simply because she did things in the early stages of our relationship that did not inspire trust. I think he could become more trusting as time goes by but for me personally once someone has broken my trust they will never get it back completely, I will always be weary of them. Then of course you get the people that have difficulty trusting anyone, I avoid these people like the plague. Sorry to say I cant offer you much comfort, I for one will never get serious again with another person if they don't inspire complete trust in me.. Trust for me is very similar to love, the only difference being that it can disappear immediately unlike love. You cant force it and if it happens it happens.

Well my outlook has changed somewhat since last week when I was incredibly depressed.... Last time I spoke to the ex was a week ago, she sent me a text the day after to find out how I was doing. Didn't reply though, haven't heard from her since. I'm pretty sure though that she understands why I don't want to have any contact so its ok. I'll probably hear from her again next week Tuesday when its my birthday. Must say that this nc thing is working. I still miss her but its much easier for me to work through my feelings with her out of the picture. Part of me wishes that we could maybe at a later stage work it out but then there's the other part that refuses to accept that we could work it out after we have been with other people. I find myself growing in areas that stagnated during our relationship. I'm meeting many new people and going out with friends more often, during our relationship I put most of my friendships on the back-burner something I wont do again. Also I'm thinking about my career more, during the relationship I was more or less content with where I was. Now I find myself brainstorming with colleagues on new business opportunities. I find myself questioning whether or not what I am currently doing in my career is what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. I go out with friends and instead of having the normal superficial conversations we're having much deeper conversations about life. I am only now starting to realise how closed off I was in my relationship, I connect with people in a way I never did before. I'm actually interested in other peoples points of view and opinions. Met up with an old friend the other night and one thing led to another and we ended up being a little more intimate than originally planned. I realise that it was wrong to jump into bed with the first girl that came my way, fortunately it was a no strings attached encounter and neither wanted anything more. From this I learnt that I should perhaps slow down in terms of my love life because I'm obviously not ready yet to have an intimate connection with another person. I kept thinking about my ex and making comparisons (I couldn't help it). I would hate to do this to someone that actually has feelings for me… When I was younger things like this didn't bother me, a fling here a fling there didn't really make much difference. After being in a long term relationship I've experienced the deeper emotional connection that forms over time. This is what I'm after, I realise that it will never be exactly the same as that which I had with my ex but I'm definitely not interested in meaningless sex. I'm starting to realise that I cant rush my current situation, I do however want to move on with my life as quickly as possible. I don't want to be wondering what she is doing and could we get back together 6 months from now. I do however realise that I don't really have a choice in the situation, I think nc and a positive attitude will speed up the process but I cant force my recovery...

Well this is weird... My sister left her boyfriend yesterday for her Ex. So what happens the latest ex-boyfriend phones my mom and asks where my sister is.... So my mom tells him she staying with me until she gets her mind sorted out (doesn't want to tell him that she's with the ex)... Of course the next thing that happens is that the latest dumped boyfriend starts phoning me and texting me this morning... Trying to find out where I stay and wanting to talk to my sister (I live in another city). This may be somewhat of a generalization but I seriously don't think girls that are 21 should even consider dating people. They just don't know what they want... This situation has really opened my eyes. I see what this guy is doing and it reminds me of how desperate I was to get my ex back. How could I ever have thought this tactic would work!

btw My Ex was a waitress that served shooters to me at a restaurant. Took one look at her, slid a packet of sugar accross the table and said "write your number on here"...

I feel the same, I'm not really interested in becoming what I was before. I don't want to toy with peoples emotions. The way things are going at the moment though it doesn't seem as if woman want a nice guy, I find this seriously messed up. Yes you're right we do sound very similar. It would be cool if you were from South Africa, then we could go out have a few drinks and trash our ex's. I think most of my mates have had enough about hearing about my problems... If I don't attain some sort of emotional stability soon I don't think I'm going to have many friends left!

How do you people do it? How do you accept a reality that should not have happened? I cant understand how one day you are talking to your partner about plans to get married, how many kids you are going to have and what they are going to be called... The next day its all over and now she's telling you about how the new guy kisses and what they are doing together.... How do you move on when you are still living in the same life as before. Same post office, same apartment, same grocery store (same everything). Everything we did together is still there and the only difference is she isn't. I'm a ghost trapped in a dead life... This entire situation is so wrong, I feel it with every part of my being and there is nothing I can do about it. How can she find it so easy to fool around with other guys when I cant even bring myself to share anything with another girl. The world seems to me like a very cold and evil place at the moment. My birthday's coming up in a few days, I wish I didn't have a birthday the only thing that its going to remind me of is how alone I actually am.

Think I was pretty much being over optimistic in my post above... One cant just pick up the pieces immediately and move on after being kicked in the teeth by someone they truly love. You know how woman are always going on about what jerks guys are... I'm starting to think that they're the ones that have actually turned the guys into the jerks. When I met my ex I wasn't exactly the nicest guy in the world, I was pretty much a player who didn't care about anyone else's emotions... When I was like that she couldn't get enough of me. Then I fell in love with her and completely changed my life around... What happens she dumps me, not just that I'm starting to realise girls don't want to date nice guys. They're looking for a challenge! The harsh reality seems to be "nice guys finish last"...

Sorry man, I was acctually just putting some of my thoughts accross... Thanks for the advice.

I don't know if nc is going to work for me, I hate hiding from my problems and that is what nc feels like. The following seems like a better solution to me. Tell her its fine we can be friends but I don't want to hear about her love life and she shouldn't ask me about mine. I'm sick of feeling like an emotional wreck, I've always been a more logical and practical person (she was the emotional one). I feel that if by some chance I get her back (I'm not going to wait around for it) it would be because I was my normal emotionally independent self. She was attracted to me because I was successful and driven. I used to be so focused on my career and then at some point my focus shifted to us alone, it reached the point where my job was just something that I had to do to make money. I'm not going to get anywhere by hiding away and crying. I want my old self back, with or without her.

Thanks for the reply! You're right of course. I come from a background were my parents divorced shortly after I finished school. My father is an alcoholic and would always be out drinking with he's friends (when he wasn't cheating on my mother). I always felt that as long as I wasn't like my father I'd be ok... Boy was I wrong, I ended up in a relationship where it was me alone at home while my partner was out doing who's knows what. I never cheated on my girlfriend or even thought about it, judging by how quickly she got a new man in her life it seems she wasn't honest at all about the break-up. What does "I love you but I'm not in love with you" mean anyway??? I'm starting to realise that as hard as I try I cant control every aspect of my life, especially when there are other people involved! I'm very disappointed in human-nature at the moment.

Anyway went on a date last night, sucks though its easy for me to get girls to out with me but for some reason I cant get passed the first date. I want what I had and don't seem to be able to do the whole dating thing at the moment, I'm too impatient... The ex sent me an sms during the date asking what I'm up too... I replied this morning and told her that the only way I'm going to get over her is if she stops talking to me. I hate that she did this to me, looking at the other posts its really easy to see a pattern... Think I'm still in denial though, I need to start accepting reality! I'm really struggling with being alone at the moment, I hate being at home. Since the break-up I've been out just about every night. The second week of the break-up I took a week off from work and went to the coast. Have already made plans for tonight, haven't made any plans for the remainder of the week though (I'm going to go insane). Sundays are the worst for me, if there is any possibility of breaking nc I think it would be on a Sunday.

The thing that I'm really struggling to cope with is that I was her first, every time the thought of her with someone else goes through my mind I feel sick! In the two years we stayed together I really tried my best to give her everything she wanted (my friends tell me I gave too much). I got us a place in a really upmarket area, gave her a car and a credit card. She never wanted to hang out with me at my regular hangouts. She said that that they're too snobbish and that the drinks were way too expensive so none of her friends could join... I always had to go with her to the student hangouts. Now to make matters worse she's hanging out with this new guy in my hangouts so that everyone I know can see this new guy, it pisses me off!

My Ex and I have been broken up for 5 weeks now. We dated for 2 years on and off (I kept on dumping her). Then when she finished school we became more serious (I realised how important she was to me and got my act together) we moved in together, we lived together for a further two years. We where supposed to get married next year Then in January she told me that she wants to move out because she wants to experience "the student life" (she's in varsity), initially I told her that we may as well break-up then because her moving out would just destroy the relationship. She begged me to reconsider, so since I loved her dearly I gave it a go... Then 5 weeks ago I notice that she's acting differently, so I confront her... She tells me that she loves me but is not in love with me and then breaks up with me..! We still see each other every now and then (I always initiate), I really need to start taking this nc thing seriously!!! The longest I have been able to go without talking to her is 4 days, she broke the nc, because she wanted me to do her a favour (its the only time she contacts me). I know she still loves me (she openly told me) but she has put all of these invisible barriers up so that I cant get too close... She's seeing another guy at the moment (at least I'm more attractive), according to her he's the rebound guy... I find the whole situation so messed up, we were great together. Even her friends think we were the perfect couple. I hate that there's nothing I can do to change the situation and also that I don't have a real reason for the break-up... Is it wrong for me to date her friends, I'm not doing it to spite her. I just want to go out with some girls at the moment to boost my ego a bit and most of the girls I know I met through her... She's knows that I've gone out with some of her friends already and doesn't seem to mind at all... In fact the other day she gave me some tips on what one of her friend likes and dislikes (I cant understand how she's coping so well). With regard to nc... 1. Would dating her friends violate nc? 2. Since we lived together for 2 years its most likely that one of us will need to contact the other at some point i.e. There's something of hers at my place. Is this violating nc? 3. If she phones me at some point in need of a favour i.e. She's stranded at work and needs a lift home. Should I help her? 4. If I dated other girls would this in some way ruin my chances of getting her back?