sexysadie

Thank you...yes I agree it had to be done...for everyone's sake, his family, friends and myself and my family. This will be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I can't begin to tell you all of the guilt that I have in my heart over this...if I had only done this/that...but every now and then I realise that I never forced him to drink however, I did enable him. That fault is with me along with everyone else that has loved him and cared for him the past few years. He has a new enabler now, unfortunately she is also an A...but it's all out of my hands now. I wish him the best.

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone for all your wise wisdom, thoughts, love and concern over me. It really has greatly been appreciated and I'll need ya'll as the days progress. EX was supposed to be moving into a shared office space with 2 of our mutual friends and I was opening my shop in the front retail space of the building. All this was supposed to have transpired a month ago but with everything that had been going on...the past month we were in limbo. He wasn't fulfilling his financial obligations to the other tenants, nor to his former business partner. He was telling stories to grandious the situation. Well yesterday, the friends called a meeting with all of them, him and the partner to find out where his head was with moving into the space. To make a long story short, facing everyone at one time in a "Carefrontation" situation was very unsettling to him. He was not able to continue with his "truths." They offered him everything but money to help him. Asking him what he wished for etc...and they all told him what they wished for. From what I understand many tears were shed. Last evening we all went out to a different place to just get away and let him cool off...well they ended up showing up there. He was already drunk when they arrived and proceeded to go down hill very quickly. At first everything was fine we were all talking and having a great time but then OW came and sat down and told me she was taking him away for a week to let him sort things out. I was in agreement after all that had taken place earlier in the day. He got very upset and started lashing out at me blaming me for everything. He threatened me 3 times before he was escorted out by her and our friends. I held me own never trying to argue back just letting him go. I knew I was safe with all of them there. This am things went from bad to worse...his former partner told him that he was completely removed from the business (she had to make that decision). He then called our mutual friend and made threats against him. We've lost this man to the bottle...there is nothing we can do now but hope that he finds his way back to the person he was. But we all are in agreement that he can't take us down with him. I've let go as well as everyone else that has loved and cared for him, including his parents...this is not the man we know and love. Big hugs ya'll...this has been a tough 24 hours...

Well I have definitely gone the NC route...and I feel very strong and empowered the longer I go. It's just amazing...once I started it...it was like an addiction to ME...go figure. In any event, he's been burning up the cell phone here all day. Hasn't left a message for me, so I gather it's not that important. He's used to me immediately picking up the call or calling him right back. Now he's getting to experience what I did when he wasn't taking my calls. He told me to move forward...and I am...which means NC. If it is work related then he can certainly call his business partner who has been waiting for several days now to hear from him since he's had his phone turned off the past couple of days when she tried to reach him. I hope I can continue the NC and feel as good as I am feeling the past couple of days. Meeting w/Therapist again on Thursday.

Hmmm...the only thing that I noticed from EX? was that he did show signs of jealousy when we were all out of town...to the point where he even mentioned it to me. I did meet someone last week and went on a quasi date with him. I told him my situation and that I really was just looking for a friend. He completley understood and we had a nice chat...a quick peck goodnight. But let me tell you the next morning I woke up and had a text message from him that said "Good Morning Beautiful." I was beaming from ear to ear. Doesn't mean anything will come of this...but talk about an ego boost when you are down on the ground. I really needed that and to know that someone out there found me attractive. Just get out with friends...you don't have to become involved...I wouldn't rush out and have a one night stand...none of us are emotionally ready for anything like that right now...but yes get out there and just socialize...you never know what could happen or who you could meet. As my therapist said, healthy people attract healthy people. Staying home and crying our eyes out, good therapy but not necessarily all THAT healthy. We need human interaction not solitary confinement.

Go for the NC until you are out of the grey area and you feel that you have gotten control over YOURself and YOUR emotions...this may be quite sometime. Do some reading on the net and the various boards...it really is for you, not for them. Prove to yourself that you can move forward, not the other person.

Because you are doing the NC to free yourself from them and to rediscover yourself. If they happen to come along and see the new and improved you...and you want them back...then you can go from there. But right now those of us that have been dumped for others are lost souls. Many of us have begged and pleaded, whined, nagged..etc...those techniques don't work. When your EX fell in love with you, you were happy, independent, carefree etc...now many of us have appeared needy, codependent...no one wants to be around a depressed person. Heal yourself...take your time, go through the grieving process...chances are that when the time is right you may run into your EX and they will see you all happy...but you may find as my Therapist said that you have outgrown the relationship/person. Healthy people attract healthy people. I've now gone 5 days with NC...and let me tell you it gets easier every day. Some people have asked me about the OW in his life and how I feel and would I take him back. I know that I will never EVER stoop to competition with this person...she can't hold a candle to me. That's the truth...she's a raging alcoholic who is now holding him prisoner in HER house and feeding him beer 24/7. Yes, prisoner, he has no keys or garage clicker so he can't leave during the day unless she is home. HA HA...if this is what HE wants from life...then how could I or more importantly would I try and compete. I know the life we had here...we had a life. Best wishes to you!!

Sounds promising if this is what you want.... Question....how did you act when you first started dating? Could you take that approach...

Wow...we are SO in the same boat...except mine is drinking 24/7 since moving out...drowning in his sorrows with the beer and her. Not facing any form of reality. I find it positive that he has already said if you get back together that he would not talk to her anymore. How do you feel about going NC at this time? Just disappear right now to avoid his calls? He's obviously sitting on the fence right now...because he has you both right where he wants you. If he thought he would lose you completely, how do you think he would feel. Again, this is something only you would know not any of us. I think NC is great, but in some situations you have find out when it is time to stop the NC also to resume the communication if your intent is to get back together...it's just knowing when to do it..the timing has to be right.

You're going to be okay...yes they are just using each other. Maybe he will find his way and maybe mine will find his way. She doesn't know he continues to see, what do you think will happen when he accidently lets it out. He won't be able to hide it, or will he. She'll appear to be the one then let her true colors show. I hate to say it but we women are pathetic sometimes when it comes to relationships...she'll be the one nagging, pleading etc...and by then hopefully you will have stopped. Here is another website that I found...gave me some wonderful insight. link removed

Congratulations....thank you for posting and letting us know the wonderful news. I wish you both the best in your new relationship.

Yes...nagging, pleading...all that just pushes just pushes them away. I did the same thing at first and he point out told me that I was just pushing him away, he wanted his peace of mind. Yes, he is staying with OW, he also has nowhere else to go. He doesn't have a dime to his name, his account is overdrawn, his car is broken he can't even leave her house. He doesn't have a key or garage clicker so he's being held prisoner there. It's sad but as his dad told him "Son you were on the top of the world for 5 years, don't let yourself stay in the gutter for too long or you won't find your way back to the top or it will be too late." All his belongs sans one suitcase are here...everything is here. He's made no effort in the past month to get it. But I KNOW him, better than anyone else. He does not believe in what he is doing. Initially he was throwing it in my face...telling me he was going to take her to his parents. LOL!! I can just see their look of horror when/if he does. His father has already detached with love. He took her with us out of town and everytime she put a hand on him, he flinched and got up. I smiled the entire weekend, but yes I cried myself to sleep. He never saw that. He's in pain right now from my throwing him out because of his drinking. She's given him a place to stay and is buying him all the beer he can drink. He's costing her at the minimum 100.00 a week. He has no future income coming in because his partner has cut him out since he slacked off and spent our reserves. The OW is the least of my troubles. If she really wants to take care of him then that is her choice. If he choses to stay in the gutter, then she is the better choice for him. The more I have pulled back, the easier things have been for us. He asked our friends on the weekend we all went away "Was she psychotic on the trip down." My friends laughed and said no, actually she slept most of the trip down. I smile all the time, I've learned how to talk with smiling. The letting go is for him to find what he wants...and for me to find out if I really do want him in my life. She is just his way of running and hiding from reality. I'd prefer the tears and going through the grieving process as painful as it is. But he's already shown signs of jealousy when other men have talked to me or attempted to kiss me, points it right out to me. You are in the grey zone...there is nothing wrong with that according to my Therapist. If you can afford one, go see one...you'll see an immediate improvement. BTW...take what you read on these boards w/a grain of salt. Each situation is different and everyone has their own opinions. I've learned a lot from everyone on the various boards that I read. I look at them for support and a way to vent. But only you know what is best for you and working with a Therapist will help you achieve that. Best wishes!!

Well it sounds like he is starting to miss you but he still sees you as being not strong enough. Here is an article I found last night. I think reading this might help you a bit right now. I'm going to follow it. It kinda sheds light on the No Contact and why you do it. I realize the longer I go without contact, the stronger I am becoming...it's been 4 days now for me. I see him once a week whether I want to or not. But it's important on that 1 day that he does see me that I have myself pulled together. I even have arranged for my Therapist appointments to be in that am because I feel empowered when I leave there. Read this artcile and then read other ones on No Contact. He seems to show signs of missing you just from HIM making the contact. But you've got to be stronger here and show him that you are okay and that you are going to make it either with or without him. Lord give us both the strength because I know how hard this is for both of us. link removed

That is very sweet and very inspirational for those of us walking in those footsteps right now. Thank you for posting this. Not all of us will have such a wonderful outcome but it does go to show that it can happen if it was meant to be!! Best wishes on a wonderful new life together.

I think this has got to be one of the most informative threads I have read on all the boards. Thanks Dave!! I've been seeing a Therapist for the past three weeks. Last night we explored this No Contact theory as it relates to me. You can read my story in another thread somewhere. But in any event, NC for me is to stop and think about what my ulterior motive is when it comes to any contact. We have a business that we run together. However, in reality since his portion is so small, I don't NEED to contact him. He calls me, I am polite, business related and that's it. We run into each other and his OW every Thursday night. The first three weeks were rough, but we've since had a long talk, he's getting his peace and quiet and yes living with this strange OW. Our social events had been a big issue for me because we had two to three nights a week where we socialized as a couple and threw darts w/friends. Well out of those nights, the only one that REALLY mattered to me was Thursday tournaments. That is the night I will continue to go. The Therapist said that last week I proved there was no ulterior motive for me. When he called to say he wasn't going to be able to make it, I still went ahead and went, never offering/enabling him the fundage to go. That proved that it really was for me to go. The rest of the nights I will not go because as I have learned, the people that I thought were OUR friends, were only trying to sabotage our relationship further, and are now toxic in my book. Another long story, covered in my original post. He has his space and I have mine to work out our issues. He prefers to run and hide into the bottle of beer and another woman. I prefer to meet with a therapist and work on my and making me a healthier person. The NC is getting easier to do for me as each day passes. I still love him, I still want him to come home. His stuff is here, he sends mixed signals (signs of jealousy, smiling at me the old smile, etc) and I am in the "grey area." But I am working on me...and that's all I can do for now. My therapist said I may be in the grey area for awhile...but it's important for me to stop and think about what I do and how I act and what are my motives and what do I want to happen. I agree with Dave...having Contact allows us to do things that can possibly push them away further. When he thought I went out of town, he tried to find out where I was going or who I was going with...sheesh, I stayed home and just left EVERYONE alone and pulled myself together. It was a great little soul healing holiday!!

They did end up showing up last night...again I put on my happy face. I was fine. An interesting thing happened, I met someone last night...all night long he kept coming by and smiling. We finally sat down and talked. I told him that it was just too early for me, I was coming out of a long term relationship, but he was very nice, told me I was beautiful and if/when I was ready to call him and we'd have dinner. I was very nervous because HE was right there when all this happened. Won't read into it...just took the compliment and the possibility of a friendship. I am going back to No Contact today..he's the one who called yesterday and now it will be a week before we run into one another again since I am only going to go and throw in the tournaments from this point on...no other social gatherings with OUR friends for a bit. I seem stronger when I am not around them. I don't have to listen to them. Tired of all the drama.

An update...he actually phoned me a bit ago regarding a client who owes us money. He mentioned that he needed the money for the electric deposit for the office where we are moving into. He then mentioned he was not going to the tournament tonight. I said okay. I phoned the client and gave them all our NEW company information and then phoned him back and told him that I had left a message...I then asked sweetly, "Hey I forgot your car window is broken, can XXXX pick you up for the tournament?" He said he offered, but there's no fundage...I said Oh, okay. Talk to you later. Missing the tournament tonight is the BIGGEST deal to him. He's never missed a tournament since they started. It's where all our friends will be tonight. Even the past three weeks he'd been going and taking her along...It's an easy 50.00 win for him...so guess he's either too ashamed to ask her for the 10.00 entry fee or she turned him down. Either way, you could hear the disappointment in his voice. That was it...I was polite, I didn't enable...I didn't cave in...it was my first detach w/love as I have been learning on another board.

Thank you for bringing this post back up to the top. I really appreciated reading it and needed it right now...just to explain things about why you do the NC. It's easy to say NC but I prefer the explanation...thank you!!

I've been in No Contact (NC) for about 48 hours now. Tonight is the night when we all meet our friends to throw in a dart tournament. At first I wasn't going to go, but the more and more I thought about it, I decided that by my not going, I was giving in. Just where they would want me to be...staying at home, crying and pouting too ashamed to show my face. The OW wants so desperately for everyone to like her. They can tolerate her, but like me they have little respect for someone like her. I know that this weekend was an communication opening for us because I was there and showed that despite everything, I was quite capable of having a great time. So I've decided to go. I'll be just as cordial as I was over the weekend. I just am trying to grasp this NC that everyone talks about on Alanon. If your goal is to work out your issues, how does NC help? I can understand a cooling off period. Why does this all seem like high school games? ARGH...if I'm gone, you'll miss me? How often does that really work? I mean if I am supposed to move forward, then I shouldn't have to sit at home crying my eyes out when I should be able to go to where my friends are even if they are his friends too. Thoughts?

He's not going to go at least not now...I've been to a couple of meetings and have been on the AlAnon message board as well as gotten a Therapist. There has been some comfort there, but what I am trying to do now is to get to his soul and reach into his pride to tell him it will be okay. We will be okay. I know that sounds strange, but he has no one right now but this woman. Everyone of his friends has turned their backs on him. He must feel very alone and it doesn't have to be this way.

Yes he knows he has a drinking problem. He is the first one to admit it. We had together worked on this and he had cut down his drinking to just a couple of days a week. He'd come a long way from when I first met him, which is right back where he is now except then he had 2 roommates. However, our friend had just broken off with his fiancee and had been going out every night and all of a sudden BF decided to join him to "comfort" him as he said. No one forced him to go. That weekend was my daughter's bday. He didn't have the money to buy her a present but he was able to go up to the bar to play darts and forget to come home for dinner. I've given up begging and pleading...I've let him go to do whatever it is that he thinks he needs to do. I know his pride is hurt very badly. I just don't know what I can do to reassure him that it would not happen again. We have a wonderful life together, memories and everything. He said what happened with her wasn't supposed it be that way. I do forgive him...I know at first it was out of spite...and now I can see the hurt in his eyes, when he does look me in the eyes. All weekend long she was like a third wheel there with us having such a great time like nothing was ever wrong between us, but she was there. So now I am trying the absense makes the heart grow fonder routine. I am not even sure if that will work. I know he cared enough to call around to see where I was going. He's also not taking calls from our mutual friend now.

We've been together for 5 yrs now. The past 6mos his drinking and depression have gotten the best of him. Three weeks ago he was supposed to come home for dinner but instead stayed at the bar. I got pretty upset. It was how shall I say an accumulation of things that had been building up in me. I packed him an overnight bag and told him to stay at our friends house. Well he didn't go there. He ended up staying with someone else we know who was renting a room from this woman. Well two days later BF ended up getting involved with her. This is not him at all. He's absolutely against affairs, he taught me to trust again. I feel betrayed. I spoke with her the night that I met her at our usual hangout. She told me that she thought he should come home. But she couldn't tell him what to do. She was definitely not someone he would normally find attractive. He has admitted that there is no attachment, he's feeling stone cold to emotion right now. He took her out of town over the weekend with all of our friends and myself. I was very good...polite not rude. I could see the discomfort in him each time she tried to snuggle with him in front of me. I became this third person just watching it as though it was a dream. No emotion. But I cried myself to sleep the first night we were there. But I never shed any tears publicly. I just held my head high. I've been to a therapist now several times to learn about how I had been enabling him and that my anger that night was really fear about the unknown. I still have some work to do. She told me that I had to show myself that I could move forward and not do it for his benefit. She also said that since the begging and pleading didn't work, it was obviously time to try something else. So I am trying to keep my distance...although technically we work together. But he hasn't been to work in 3wks now. He's losing his business...his partner and I are trying to salvage it for him. He's drinking 24/7 now. From what I saw over the weekend she can drink him under the table. We had not been talking very much over the past few weeks until this week, because he was so full of anger. I found that a mutual friend of ours had been sabotaging the situation because he thought he would be there for me...and pick up the pieces and it wasn't until he point blank came on to me that I realized what had been going on. I told BF about my discovery. I've not been on holiday for a couple of days just to hide out and heal my wounds. It's one thing to lose the love of your life but to lose what you thought was your closest friend too. It's all been too much. He has only a suitcase there now that I packed for him. He mentioned once last week about getting his stuff...but then when I asked him, he blamed the weather...and hasn't mentioned it since. But our partner asked him about it and he has no plans to come get his stuff but at the same time he said he is not ready to come home yet. I can see the pain in his eyes but I can't reach him at all. I'm working on myself and moving forward. I've given him a letter that my therapist had me write him as an apology and a basic love letter so that if he ever had any doubts of my love he could read it. That's my story in a nutshell...I love this man and I know he loves me but how do you break down a wall of pride and get to the heart of the man?