gardens

Hello: It is good that you are seeking help. I am a social worker, and also an administrator in a public mental health system. If you are truly clinically depressed--which can be situational...triggered by a loss, breakup, stress, etc--the best way to get help and feel relief is usually a combination of therapy and medication (if needed). As others have posted, one of the primary roles of a pscyhiatrist is to prescribe and monitor meds. Generally speaking, they do not do ongoing therapy, which is handled by different professionals (depending on where you live). Typical licensed mental health professionals include Licensed Clinical Social Workers, Marriage & Family Therapists and Pscyhologists. Again, the names may vary as to your State's licensure requirements. Usually your therapist would assess your potential need for meds, and suggest a medication evaluation by a pscyhiatrist. If the psychiatrist determines that you need medication, he/she would work with you as to the best choice of meds, dosage, etc. Since people react differently to different medications, in the early stages, the psychiatrist would likely monitor you closely. Depending on the medication, it can take several weeks to feel symptom relief. Also, in some cases, your internist may prescribe medication for depression and/or anxiety. Here is a good link from the Mayo Clinic web site on depression: Good luck to you, and I hope you find the help you need.

Oops...my mistake on the divorce...sorry about that. However, like some of the other people on this board, I too recently broke up from a year-long office romance. Ours was a secret, and remains to be post break-up. We were only in the same suite of offices a couple of days per week, and we've stayed on a "friendly" basis at the office, having lunch once a week, or so. I have to say, we've both been very considerate and kind to each other during the past couple of months. And it's still been hard. He had a transfer in the works b/f we broke up as part of a promotion, and just moved to another location this week. Today was the first Friday that he wasn't in the office with me, and I've got to say, I feel great relief. I think it's mainly the lack of distraction that has given me peace of mind. Doesn't mean I don't miss him, because I do. Hang in there!

OK--this may sound harsh...you have got to get a grip and move on. This guy is using you and you're letting him. Make finding a new job your number one priority. Stop checking his email. Take a deep breath and move on...honestly, it's the best thing for you. Redirect your anger and energy into creating a new life for yourself. He's married. He has a wife. He has another life.

Hey PB--thanks for the pm...glad to be helpful. Sounds like the office situation is quite "cozy." How about just asking your boss in a casual way "...just wondering how we're coming on the new office?" with no justification? Can you say that you can be more productive w/o other distractions, etc?? Definitely recommend you NOT share your relationship w/anyone else in the office--could backfire on you. To be honest, I think one of the stresses in my relationship w/the ex was the constant worry of someone finding out. As I mentioned previously, he is moving to an entirely new office at a different location next week, and probably won't see each other at all. I promise once you don't have to have the constant contact w/her at work, you will feel calmer and less distracted. Keep me posted!

PB: Not an easy situaition...I know. Recently broke up from an also secret office romance (about a year). Luckily, we don't share an office, and really only see each other a couple of times of week. I made the decision to be upbeat and positive, and to stay in touch, although I stopped initiating any contact in July. We continue to have lunch maybe once a week. But I've got to say...it's tough sometimes. He is moving to a different location next week--a promotion that was in the works before we broke up--and to be honest, I think I will be terribly relieved to not have to see him. (You can read my story under Ex-Girlfriend/Boyfriend Relationships,"Hanging in there" ). My advice: You have got to find a way to move out of the office with her. It's for your sanity. Is there any way you can push the powers that be to get you the office? Honestly...I just got back from a two-week vacation that was just what the doctor ordered. Getting way from the whole situation has given me a lot of peace and distance. Do I miss him? Of course. But I'm now clear that I really want to be with someone who REALLY wants to be with me. Part of the healing process is realizing you have a life without your ex--can't imagine how to do that if you're with that person 40 hours/week. Hang in there my friend!

Also strongly suggest counseling, not only for your emotional well-being, but for supporting you with the major decisions and issues that will affect you and your children. If the police can't assist you with finding an agency, look up United Way in your local phonebook, and ask for resources for domestic violence. Or do a search on-line for domestic violence counseling in your community, or contact your county's social service agency. I work in the healthcare field and contract with a domestic violence agency that does everything from operate an emergency shelter, to offering counseling and legal advice, to assisting with welfare assistance. Best of luck to you.

It's been about a month since I've posted...here's the latest: I was out of the office for about three weeks beginning in late July, including a wonderful two-week vacation that was soooo needed. He has continued to come by my office, ask me to lunch on the days he's there. But I stopped initiating any contact with him. Would always feel so raw afterwards. He emailed me while I was away...I responded. Had to come into the office unexpectedly one afternoon during vacation...he popped in to see me and wanted to show me his new car (which I picked out for him!). This Tuesday we saw each other for the first time in about two weeks...yup...he still makes my heart a-flutter, however, for the first time I didn't feel quite as wounded or hurt afterwards. He was in the middle of a meeting and couldn't stay. Ran into him later in the day by his office...and here's the strange part...he had tears in his eyes!! He looked me straight in the eye...didn't try to hide it from me...never seen him like this at the office. I was actually kind of concerned about him. This time I asked him if he wanted to have lunch...he said "I'd love to have lunch with you...but can't today. How about Friday?" Regardless of him, I am feeling better. Of course I still love him, but when I start feeling really sad, I say to myself that I deserve to be with someone who REALLY wants to be with me. It's not easy...never knew I could produce so many tears! This board continues to be a source of support for me...hang in there everyone. Gardens

Personally, I go for casting a spell on something that will really bug them...their football team! Don't think it wasn't a coincidence that the 49ers have done so poorly the past few years...lol!

I've read your posts and am sorry for the heartache you're going through. From a woman's perspective...my take on this is that both you and your wife are quite stressed out, dealing with a young child, financial issues, her being in school, and your--I assume--clinical depression. It sounds like your wife is just tired of everything, and she knows that you're not strong enough to just walk away...it seems pretty manipulative on her end. Since you are still very much in love with her, the good news is that you will continue to have some type of relationship with her because of your son. If I were you, I think I would take a deep breath, and take a step back, and focus on your health and well-being. (Are you being treated for your depression/anxiety issues?) And do everything you can to be the best father you can be. Women want to be with men who make them feel safe, who they can laugh with, and who love them for who they are. You sound like a very caring person...start right now taking care of you!!

Thanks Reilly, and thanks ilse...very affirming. As I said to my friends, this was "my best breakup yet" (lol). I am feeling a little calmer and more like myself everyday. Latest info--he asked me to lunch yesterday...said he'd been up since 3:30 am, was sweating profusely (not like him), and then made a big deal about showing me a fortune (from a fortune cookie) he'd received the day before. Whatever...the good thing is between business travel and vacation, I won't really see him much over the next several weeks, which i think will help me. On a positive note--am really enjoying getting back in touch w/friends and family that I've been missing over the last several months. To all those dealing w/breakups...one of the most important things I've done is to schedule my weekends with lots of activities, especially outdoor things...sooooo important. Gardens

It's been about seven weeks since the breakup began, and if officially ended about two weeks ago. Ex and I had dated for almost one year. He's 39, I'm 42. Met at office---I know...I never date guys I work with but he was very persistent. We don't work in the same unit; only see each other in the office once or twice a week. Had great fun! Really enjoyed each other...met each other's friends, etc. He met my family (they live nearby). Best relationship I had ever been in. In May his parents were in town (live accross the country) and he made a big deal about me meeting them...took time off of work, etc. Really enjoyed them; they loved me. And then it all started to fall apart. He started to freak out about commitment...mind you the only one who has ever brought up commitment was him. Memorial Day weekend was rough...after very mixed messages from him. I suggested we take a break. He agreed. Couldn't deal with his ups and downs. I'm also very involved in a large project a t work. During June we spoke on the phone several times and had lunch a few times. Have managed to keep our relationship confidential at work (we both live quite a ways from the office). End of June I was really needing to move on from the limbo stage. We talked for a couple of hours...told him that I had missed him. He said the same, but said: -he was geting used to being alone again -was thinking about dating other women -he was afraid he'd lose me because he would never meet someone as good as me, and that when he was ready to come back i would be gone. I asked point blank if it was over...he couldn't actually say the words, but we finally agreed. I thanked him for a great relationship...told him how much fun I'd had with him (true!) and that I was really glad he pursued me. He was pretty blown away...said he didn't have the courage to have this conversation. I them asked why he made such a big deal about meeting his parents if he was so conflicted...he said that he really wanted them to meet me. Then said that he was very confused...mentioned going into therapy. I said i thought that might be a good idea. So now it's been almost 3 weeks. Notice he his finding more opportunities to drop by my office. We had lunch last week...he asks my advice on all kinds of things. He asked about my family...he almost started crying...it was tough. I remained calm. Even wants me to pick out a new car for him! Somethings I've learned though this: -Since we work in the same place, NC is really not an option. For me, sometimes NC w/past ex bfs translates to over-idealizing the relationship. -Have kept really busy. So important to schedule lots of stuff on the weekends. -In terms of healing, it's really one day at a time. Often two steps forward, one back. One big change...when I have a bad day, and then a good day, each good day is substantially better than the previous one. -I am glad that I did not freak out and become psycho ex gf. I love this guy, no doubt. But I do know that you can't make someone make a commitment even if their actions and words seem to say otherwise. This board has been really helpful to me. I am not expecting we will get back together, however, my heart tells me that the final chapter is not yet written. Any advice for me?