urbangentleman

Hi to all....Well if you've read my other posts its been a long 6 weeks, with NC. This sunday will be my birthday, and i would love to call her and invite her for a catch up. I still miss hr but i would really like to see her.She hasnt contacted me at all, although she was the one to tell me to give her a call in a month or two.Should i invite her out, or will she just feel pressured by this, or should i just leave it be.I'm not 100% clear of what my intensions are here. Your advice really helps me at the moment.Thank you all.

My god jon....i think you just put my life up on screen!...It is as if it were a movie....Ecept for valentines day...this is exactly too the word/letter what has just happened to me 5 weeks ago. I'd be very happy to discuus this with you and offer you my thoughts.

Hey Doc, Have been reading ur posts and yes it is bloody hard isnt it. I thank u for ur advice, and i would happly talk with u any time if you need to as well.So u think NC is the right way to go.And ur exactly right i want to show her that i am strong, and as everybody keeps telling me, she is the one missing out of a great guy and special person.I'm just sick of hurting and feel i may becoming depressed.In my professional life i am a CEO of a company that is getting very big under my guidance, so i feel a little odd at having to feel like this in my personal life, as i'm normally the leader with the strong mindset.I'd be lying as well if i said that this has rocked my self confidance and makes me wonder if i am attractive , or whatever....probably irrational i guess.I find it really strange that i can be a rock for anybody and give the most rational and patient advice in the world, but when it comes to myself, i just cant seem to heed my own advice.So i should just let it be and see if she comes to me u think

Well its been 3 weeks since we have had any contact (see last post of "my private thoughts") I have just been to see a councellor about helping me with my feelings.I have been reading all the threads and all the books, but nothing seems to get her out of my mind, i feel i am slowly going nuts. I know i should just put it to bed and move on, but she has left the door open for me and it makes it very very hard.I'm trying to believe that what she has told mi is the truth, and she said to give her a call in a month or two.Why would she say this? I respect her very much as a person, and have been giving her space with NC, but it is killing me an zapping my zest for life.How do i move on? Part of me needs to , the other part of me wants to just let more time elapse, but i feel if i do that sjhe will forget me all together. I have read that if u truly want someone back then you must accept that the door is shut and locked and for now it is over. The key to getting her to come back is allowing her time and space and not to push or rush her. Any advice from similar situaitions? I also wonder if for my own sanity i should call her up and ask her straight out if there is any chance and if not tell her then i cant do this anymore and she will leave me forever.Does the dumper ever feel or think about you after what they done> Thank u all soo much.

UPDATE*** Ok , so last thursday i rang my ex and asked her if we could talk, and she said yes .We ended up speaking very civily for about 2 hrs and all was good.She said she just needs time to sort her emotional baggage out, and that she doesnt know what will happen in the future, but could't say in concrete if we would have a chance at getting back together.We both still care for each other i think , and so i have no reason to doubt her. I asked her if there was someone else and she said no, that she wasnt interested in being in a reltionship at the moment and needed to focus on her studies and her girls (twins 7)at the moment. I know that she is very stressed and busy and she will have exams for uni in about 3-4 weeks.I'm just not sure if the door has been left open for me, as she did ask me about future plans and how that might work, or whether she is just trying to be nice.I know i should just move on with my life and try and forget her and maybe give her a call after that and see how we feel. I want to do NC and respect her right to her space, but i fear that if she doesnt here from me she will just forget about me.I just wish i knew what was real. On the other hand i dont wont to bug her as i know this can sometimes drive people further away. Does time give the dumper miss you or do they just forget about u totally. What have ur experiences been and why do women say these sorts of things??...Please any advice is greatley aprreciated. We were toghether exactly 3 months and a week before she ended it she was still calling me babe etc, so why the sudden change of heart i cant comtemplate? I'm 31 and should know better, but am hurting, she is 26 and mature.

Hi everyone, its urban here, too all of you in pain out there, i hope by sharing we can all get through together. I lost my gal 3 weeks ago, and the break up was very civil and a long 2 hour talk (see other posts). I'm reaaly hurt, confused and lonely right now.She has left the door open, saying give me a call in a month or two and see where were both at.She isnt ready and needs time, but i fear she will just forget me, and know that other guys are going to chase her because she is extremely attractive.I have resisted the urge on a daily basis to contact her, but some days i feel like im just not strong enough.This is my first relationship in 15 months, as i have had to heal from my last one that was very painful.Basically in that case the day i lost my business due to circumsatnces, she walked out on me.It was a heavy load because i lost my house, my business, and my girl all in the same day.Back to the situation now, i finally thought i has found someone again, and now its all over.I just need to find away to get past this, and it seems really odd because i have only known her for 3 months. I'm wondering if i should move as my new business will be up and running soon, and it doesnt matter were i am based. Part of me thinks i should and part of me wants to stay here in case she calls me. In my head i know i should move on and what ever will be will be.I have really low self confidence right now, which is unusual for me, and i constantly look around and feel unattractive compared to other guys.I feel like i wasnt good enough for her and that maybe she isnt attracted to me anymore.I just dont feel as though i'm ever going to be good enough for anyone.My friends tell me that i am a good looking guy and have a great personality with lots of carisma, but i just dont feel anything inside anymore....my passion and zest for life is slowing going. What should i do here....i'm totally confused and depressed....and i miss her companionship more than anything....please help me. I feel that we wer so right together adn within a week our coversations went from her calling me babe and telling me everything was great to dumping me a week later.I want to believe that what she has told me... but i just dont know.

UPDATE******* What we said may 13th on a 2 hour phone call last night We spoke about our relationship and how we were together. We agreed that we are different people but share a lot of common interests. She says that something was missing, but unsure of what, I said maybe she wasn't attracted to me anymore, she said it was more about chemistry. I said I thought we had that, she seemed a little surprised but agreed it was there at times. Mostly she said she has a lot of deep seeded issues which she needs to deal with and that she needs a few if not 6 months to get her self together. We talked about being friends, but both of us are unsure of how that would work, and she said that she wouldn't want to hurt me or be unfair. She feels at this time that she needs to be alone, and maybe that she needs to be freely sexual for a little while and get that out of her system, but is afraid of catching something, before she settles into another long term relationship. Although this hurts me I would allow her the time to do this if she wants to go and do that. But she also said that it is really not who she is, I asked her what would happen if she was out, and she it would be a stranger and probably wouldn't do that anyway. Her focus right now she said is on her girls and her studies. I asked if I could contact her, she said to give her a txt or a call in a couple of months and see how she is. I will do this and respect her space so that she can get herself together. She said that she isn't really interested in men at the moment, because of her past relationships, and is suspicious of any new guys she meets. I have to learn, accept and understand that this is probably true for the most part. She did say that she couldn't say in concrete that we could never be together again, but right now she doesn't want a relationship .We talked about what would happen in the future and we both said we are not sure. She wondered if I was going away with the business in the future if we would even have a future. I explained it might be a few weeks but didn't know for sure .I spoke about a poem that I had written her about her being a bird in a cage, and also that I really understood who she was as a person and that she was a true artist. She said she only really discovered that about herself last week, and seemed surprised that I understood that about her. This will make a lasting impression I think, and she will definitely remember me saying that. She thanked me a lot for being a great guy and everything that I had done for her, and all my support. This isn't the end , just for now, and time I think will be a good thing. I know that uni will only be on for another 5 weeks or so and maybe she will call me then as she knows its my birthday. I said to her that I realized now how much time I probably took up, and she said she felt guilty by not being able to give me that much and felt pressured and is part of the reason that she broke up because she felt guilty. We entertained the idea of having a casual relationship, but she didn't know if she could deal with that. I said I understand. I think that I have probably given her something to think about, and that in time she may realize that she does want me, I'm not sure. She said friendship t this point would be weird, I said for her to call anytime if she liked. I think I need to get more toned ( typical gut vanity thing, although I am muscular and she loves my arms) which will give her more attraction for me, but also it will make me be the person I have always wanted to be, I need to be respectful to myself with this and do it for me, not her. She spoke about issues with relationships, and said she needs to sort herself out if she was ever going to be fit enough to really be in one. She said she feels trapped at her mum and dads, particularly with spending time with her girls. She is very protective of them. I think in some ways she will respect me as a good person in the sense that it is better the devil that you know. She said she was giving us a chance and that she was sorry it didn't turn out now. Who knows what the future holds, I should just live for now and get on with my life. No more down in the dumps get busy living and move on. I need to do this and not waiver and then see what happens in the future. I think that for the most part I believe that she doesn't want to be with anybody right now. I think she will respect more for giving her this time, and that the conversation that we had tonight was a really mature one and probably a positive lasting impression was left. She told me that maybe she didn't understand how to deal with my normalcy in this breakup and not being totally controlling of her, which the other guys have obviously been. She was with **** for 7 years, which I didnt realize, I thought it was four, and he never saw the girls anyway, wasn't interested. I mean he is the father of her children, so I guess there will always be a connection there in her mind somewhere. I told her about things I wanted to share, and also told her that I think she read the relationship wrong in terms of long term plans. If I'm honest with myself, I know this is what I want but sometimes u have to take a risk and enjoy the moment and the person that u are with. She does inspire me in ways, and I could see myself with her, even though I'm unsure of how she will make a living, although her creativity and my skills in business, would work this out I'm sure. She agreed with me it seemed about her being a bird in a cage. She said she liked lots of things about me but at times felt we were better friends than anything. I need to learn and understand I think how to recreate that chemistry for her. She almost went with the idea of being a friend but has decided not to for now, this if I think about it may turn out to be a good thing in the end as there will be a sexual past when we meet again, and we could reignite that.We talked about her art, and her life, she is really independent and I think a little scared. I need to not worry about her sleeping around for a while, although she said she hasn't really gone out , but has manage to have a good catch up with her friends, and still have a social life, although mostly through the daytime. I asked if she had missed me, and she said in some ways yes and some ways no. She did say that she had been keeping really busy and that this has probably stopped her from thinking about me. I have on the other hand had too much time to brood and think about her. I need to do more things with my time I believe and really hit my fitness goals which will cut me up and keep my mind sane and not miserable. I need to learn to be happy on my own again and leave her be. I did say to her that I felt not needy, band was happy to do things by my self, and that that was how our relationship should be. She did say that she new I treated her as an equal, and that I would never stop her from doing anything. Some good lessons learned here ****, and I'm feeling like I have reached another growth stage after having a conversation like this one tonight, all in all I should be happy. I think she has been a bit conditioned to expect to be treated like ****a bit, and so maybe she feels unchallenged by me. I think I should feel proud that I have shown her what a real man and gentleman can be like….i hope she will always remember that life is funny ****, and u have a habit of seeing everything in black and white, and need to learn to be more open to not knowing what the future holds, and stop, stop, stop analyzing everything and live. People will be attracted to me more I think if I do this. She said that she really liked the fact that I didn't just drink beer and watch the footy and tv .This is good I think. I feel that there maybe be a slight chance for the future. But I have to accept that maybe not. I need to Get toned as I want to be, get a tat that I want to have done, focus on my body and mind for the next 12 weeks, and show her what she is missing out on. This could make her come back to me, or at least re-spark the attraction I need to not cheat myself on my eating and not just say **** it….its really time to get serious and I have come such a long way in the past 15months.I am proud of me for resisting the phase except for one minor check up to stalk her…totally different from what I did to my ex a few years ago.( but I realized my mistakes ) I realize now she taught me a lot about what a real meaning in a relationship can be although I would never go back to her now. MOVE on **** and LIVE….have PATIENCE and see what the future brings….u have learnt alot lately about not knowing what can happen at any stage in life at anytime….its about time u started excepting this and understanding it on an emotional level as well. Be proud about how u handled yourself with *****, very civil, and will leave her wondering, I hope……..I think she will learn a lot from me after 2nite and see me and how our relationship was in a different way.

thanks for the reply's people....what makes u think that she is seeing someone else?....has she maybe lost attraction for me, what's puzzling me is that if she wanted out wouldnt it have happened before now, i was only with her for 3.5 months and 3 weeks ago she said she really enjoyed being with me calling me babe etc????....please try and calrify my mind a bit more...thank you

H all, Thanks for taking the time to read and help me. I'll try keep it short.My ex broke up with me 2 weeks ago today becuase she said it wwas going too fast, she's too busy, feels like she is not ready for a relationship, thinks maybe we want different things, is commitment phobic etc. I offered to slow it down but she still ended it, saying that she still wants to be friends and she enjoys my company and still wants to catch up.I told her i wasnt sure if i could do that after being intimate with her for the past 3 months. I had NC for 10 days and then rang her on mothers day just to say hi, wish her happy moyhers day (she has twin 7 yo girls, who i adore) and that if she wanted to catch up to give me a call.She statred to make converstion with me , sounded surprised that i had called, and then i cut the call short.Two nights ago i got a text from her , from a previous converstion of me saying to her that i hope she didnt drop the subject she was doing because there was no challenge in that.She text me saying that she was still doing it and that i knew her , stubborn as always. I really want to ring her and ask her to catch up for a drink, and try and be friends, as i miss her companionship very much.Problem is i'm not sure if she will reject me again or whether she is just confused.Why would she want to still be friends with me? She has told me previously that i am so different from other guys that she has dated, ant that i am very sweet, caring and sane, and that i have been so good to her.If thats true, why did she dump me. I am 30 she is 26...please help me clear my thoughts!

Thats the thing jeeta , she said that she is scared of the kids getting attatched if it doesnt work out.....we have so much fun together they call me the computer man

Hi everyone, this is my first post as i only joined today.I hope someone can lend me their thoughts to me. I met this wonderful woman who is 26 , I'm 30, and have been dating her for 3 months. She has said to me that i am so different from every other guy that she has dated, and as she has twin duaghters who are 7 and absolutely gorgous, it is a differnt kind of relationship i am used to as well.Initially i only met them a month ago, which i respect her reasons for.She is studying f/t at uni as well. A week ago she told me that the relationship was over becuse she doesnt have time, is a bit commitment phobic, too independent, not sure that she's ready for a relationship,all going too fast, too soon after her last one, 8 months ago, and he was very nasty in the end.I offered to slow it down, but she still ended it.She said to me that she still wants to be friends and spend time with me as she really enjoys my company. I told her i was hurt, big mistake, and that i dont know if i could do that after being intimate with her.I do miss her and would like to try. My Question is should i call her?...What do i say?....Does she really want to see me and be in contact with me, or is that the classic line.It's been a tough week , but i made it through, but am feeling in a bit of a mess.I would like to try with her again if thats what she wants. I wonder if she has missed me in the last 10days as have not made any contact? Do u think she may be thinking about me or waiting for me 2 call?