urbangentleman

Hey scorch, I can confirm what echo writes here, remember my ex has twins! So is it going to be easy for another gut to be willing to take this on or form him to get involved, i doubt it, i used to think about all these things too...and still she is single, i know this for a fact. I really do believe my ex didnt heal from her emotional abussive past, and she's too independent to have me help her with these issues. She left because she isnt/wasnt ready, but i'm showing her that i'm starting to move on her now.And hitting the nail on the head here, is that she has her daughter to consider in all this, and believe me it took me a while to really think deeply about the ramifications of that for her, no matter how much of a nice guy she thinks i am, or how much fun the girls and i had.Sad but true. Stay strong mate, were all right here along side of you. Urban.

Hey there my friend, i feel for you, and this is going to be harsh, put print it out post it on your fridge and read it everyday....why, because it's the cold hard truth.I still have my days, but you have to get back on top of the game at somepoint,....as to when that happens , well only ourselves can make that decision.The world isnt going to stop moving, so why are you. There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this - when people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The Bible said that, "they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us." People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can' t get super glue and you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when peoples part in your story is over so that you don t keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of goodbye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in goodbye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know what ever some higher power means for me to have he'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go. Take care regards Urban. (PS i hope this helps)

I've only one thing to offer you here scorchio, it's been 6 long weeks for you i know.but give her the real opportunity to miss you and asses how she feels, she knows how you feel.Give her space, and give you a break as well. If you push , she will be unreachable in the end.Give it 3 more weeks, and pm me everyday if you need too, but let some more time pass. I'm not suggesting you never contact her, just not now thats all. And no, n/c will not mean that she is gone for good, we all move at different paces, that's why some relationships never work in the first place.Trust me on this one, my ex has twin daughters 7 y.o , do i miss them, ofcourse, did it nearly break my heart when i ran into them 2 weeks ago, yes, the first thing they asked me was where had i been? But think of this....If your partner doesnt want you back then there is nothing you can do, but at the same time you cant put her daughter through attachment if it's never going to be.Trust me, these are some of the things your ex will be thinking about i suspect.And this is not something that she will resolve in 6 weeks. I'm not saying that all cases are the same, just some things i've learned from this, and am happy to share. As i said before , i'm not really sure that i'm even going to reply to my ex, but if i do it will be when i'm ready and because i want to.Let your ex have this time, GIVE yourself this time. talk to me anytime regards urban

Well, maybe you need to ask yourself this, is she someone that you really want back then?...I mean if you have the kindess in you to help people especially in these tradgic times then, your selfless, either she is selfish, or doesnt deserve you.I dont know her , so far be it from me to judge her, but i cant help that feel i would atleast checking to see you are ok....1) because at somepoint you were my partner 2) because well. a txt to say hay tell me ur alive, doesnt give you any hope or a suggestion of anything, other than just simply making sure your ok. If it helps, dont hate her for this, but forgive her, in doing so you start to think about her in a different light, which may help you to cope better or move on at a more rapid pace. The only other thing i would add/ask is it possible she would know that you are ok from other sources, which may also explain why she hasnt contacted you.Either way, you can analyze this to death, or just focus on helping others in need, its a goosd way to shift your focus not completely off your self and your recovery, but to focus on someone elses for a while. I dont know about you, but we all hurt at times for one reason or another, but when i step back and look at tradgedies like those bombings, well my problems seem almost trivial.I'm not saying you should dismiss your feelings, because you shouldn't and you cant heal them like that anyway, but just that there are others in this world that need you right now, and i think it's fantastic that you have not only the coompassion to help them but the skills as well.Good job my friend. Be well, and reread this if you need to. regards Urban.

Hey scorchio, Sounds like your not doing so well right now my friend.This being the case, dont contact her, it will only mess with you more because you will have an expectation of a response that you are likely not to receive.Think about this here, is this a real need to do this or just a preferance? I'd say the later.Trust me, i have thought about it for 10weeks also, but havent done it....and look what happened in my latest post under ex's.I'm not saying that the same will happen to you, but what i am saying is follow all the advice from everybody on here, i guarantee you in 4 weeks from now, that will be 10 weeks for you as well, you will feel indifferent about all of this, even though you probably cant see that right now.It's very hard my friend, but the days do lesson, that much i can confirm.How do i know this, because i haven't even bothered to reply to her yet, 4 weeks ago i would have in a second, but now , i'm not sure that i really want too.I'm just going to give MYSELF more time, and then make a choice, one that I am happy with. At this point in time, put your emotions in here, not on her phone, we'll all listen, and you can count on us to respond. Chin Up Mate. regards Urban. feel free to PM me anytime if u wish.

Thanx chai. I really dont have any expectations, truly, at all. She asked for the friendship, i'm considering it thats all.But if we do meet up, then she will definitely know it's on a friends basis, because well, you don;'t treat friends the same as your partner do you.If you get my drift, i mean i wont be rude or anything, just friendly. thanx again, it all helps.

malibu, thanx again.And thanx to raykay as well. As for the break up, no i had no input into it.You can read my posts under breaking up, and getting back together, and well, iguess you can see i'm in a much better place now than 10 weeks ago.Again to everybody i am not playing games here, just it was unexpected.

Hey Malibuandpine......very interesting post.I think you've just clarified the "productive" part though, because i was a llittle puzzled by that.Very intuiative. I guess she's sent me the email because she ran into me 2 weeks ago, and still i did not contact, not for a game play, but for me.I wanted to see how i was doing in all this, and well, i think not bad really.You can see my post about that in getting back together if u like.She ended it though not me. Why do you think she has some from of power, i stripped all of that with NC i thought? Again not games, for me to heal . And I'm guessing if i delete the think part, you percieve she will contact me once she receives my email?....You women are so complex LOL! Thanx for the reply Urb.

well sugar, i'm pretty liberated myself , and what is "normal" anyway!...we are all different , all indivual. But case in point even if the other guys know the sitch, what happens if one of these other guys inevitably at some stage becomes attched to u, then u'll have a dilema on your hands. Anyway, just my MO , it's your life your choice babe.But dont forget about your feelings and you in all of this. urb.

Hey Sugar Well yours is truly a unique situation and it takes two people who are very much in touch with thier souls to have a connection such as this.However, 2's company, 3's a crowd, but hey, 4!....that's trouble IMO.Ultimately you and your partner may be ok with it, but you need to consider the other peoples feelings in all of this as well. I'm not suggesting that you arnt, but honesty is the best policy for all concerned. If you still feel the deep need in your true sense of self to experiment , then perhaps you and your man need to be apart for a while, maybe not forever , but fior now.Just my thoughts. Stay well Urban.

Hey Suga, glad to hear that all is as good as it can be given yesterday's tradgedy .I'm not really reading anything into it, maybe she misses the fun we used to have, who knows, anyway, i'll send the reply in a week or so and in the mean time keep on movin forward and talking to the many articulate ,graceful and beautiful woman that are still available in this world and seem to be around me at the moment Funny what happens after u disappear!

thanks guys....sugar...who are things in UK, i hope you and all your friends and loved ones aer ok. Question: Whats with the "not sure bit"?....I'm no longer confused about it, but to me it seems possible she is.she asked for the friendship, so why the not sure comes into it even beats me!

Well….Out of the blue I get this email today from my ex…...after 10 weeks? She wrote: Hi ****, Thanks for the web address, went on it and signed up...not much but at least it's something... About catching up...I really do think you are a very nice guy but I'm not sure if there's a chance or not of us ever getting back together if that's where you are hoping it will lead. I could spend my whole life getting back with exes but I just don't know if that would be very productive Okay...hope you're doing fine and the business is booming ****** I'm thinking about sending this response, but I'm not in a hurry to do it. Hi ******, Yes i'm doing well thanks RE : Catching up.....Well this isn't an attempt by me to get back into a relationship with you. I accept that it has ended. I don't have an agenda or any expectations, I just thought and still do, that there isn't any reason between us for us to not to be good friends. I think you know me enough to know i'm not a game player. I enjoy your company, and like and respect you as a person. Let me know what you think? take care ****. This is genuinely how I feel. What are your thoughts on this everybody?

Hey Rangerider, sorry to hear of your pain.I too am in bother , but nowhere near as severe as you.I found this just yesterday, and i'm going to continue to be strong as i feel at times i am almost healed.95% i'd say, despite what some may think.Anyway have a read and see if it may help. There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this - when people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The Bible said that, "they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us." People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can' t get super glue and you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when peoples part in your story is over so that you don t keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of goodbye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in goodbye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know what ever God means for me to have he'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go.

Hi Scorchio, listen mate i know it's tuff, and believe me you are going to get ALOT of advice and critism on whatever you do here.NC is good for healing, thats all.That much i know.Have a read of my post about sending the email the other day....you'll clearly see what i mean.At the end of the day , all i can offer is that it is YOUR life and you have the right to choose to do whatever is comfortable for YOU.But DONT harras or bug her if you do it, and also only do it if you have NO expectations from it. Just MO. Regards Urban.

i agree totally with nick on this point. I think somepeople on here take the NC thing too much to extreme at times, partly i believe because THEY (usually the guys) have not truly healed and still have some resentment or anger that they THINK they have dealt with but haven't.I'm not sure about you , but i dont live in a black and white world, mine has shades of grey also.Just my view. If two concenting ADULTS believe they can have a friendship and are willing to achive this MUTUALLY then, why have enimies in this world.I say you can never have too many friends , regardless of whether they are exes or not.Some can do it , some simply cant handle the emotional intelligence it takes to do it. Especcialy there is no reason not to have them in your life if all was very civil and not a bad break up.It would seem to me that alot of people on here have exp abusive break ups emotionally, and that is what NC is good for, healing. Having said that i do think there needs to a period of distance put between the end of a relationship and the begiining of a friendship for obvious reasons. The time limit for this will veary greatly for everybody, but you had a fair amount of time already. I guess you need to decide what is ultimately best for you, after all this YOUR life, and reallyy we are all observers. Not sure if i've achieved anything here for you, but just a perspective from my view.

Hi guys, thanks for your advice. Helloladies....you seem to think i want to get backtogether with her, but really all i want now is to have her back in my life, and just being friends with her would be acceptable to me now.There is just no reason at all for us not to be, it's never been nasty netween us at all.That's why i reached out to see if atleast she wants this too. to a certain degree i have healed, and am in control these days. thanks for the response though. Urb.

Was this an ok email to send without any pressure, or have i done the wrong thing here? Hi ****** , how r u?.....It was good to see you the other day. I was wondering if you could Please log onto link removed and sign up online to help support the G8 summit on July 6th when they will try an decide how to end poverty and death in the world once and for link removed's our chance to help make this a reality, the more support the better. I was wondering if you would like to catch up sometime? best wishes & thanks ****.

Hello everybody, well i am finally at a point after 7 weeks NC, except for our chance meeting (see Last Post) last week. I havent called her since seeing her in that brief window or fate or whatever you want to call it, and have made up my mind that i am going to call her today and just say "Hi *****, how are you, was good to see you the other day, wondering if you might like to catch up sometime for a coffee, drinkk etc." Just small, light happy talk.nothing else. And then i will see what her reaction is.Is it is positive , i will feel good.If it is not then atleast i know once and for all where i satnd and how much she might value me atleast as a person.This is the final way for me to move on and close this chapter once and for all. I want to point out that i havew no expectations, and am able to accept the outcome once and for all.I mean, at some point you have to break NC and if only to stop the what if's and the wondering.I've never been one for living my life saying if only i'd called or , if only.....I take the view point that i'm better off knowing, because this sets me free. Penny for your thoughts people? Thank you all Urban.

raykay....who is the artist? i would be interested in more of their work?

Thanks DN and Cactus. What's bothering me about this now is why is she walking out the front of my house ( i live on the beach), when she knows i would be able to see her if i was home, when there is in fact 20 klms of beachfront to walk along.When i was running, i did think to myself that it was her car just down the road in the carpark. Or is this just all coincidence, and i'm over analyzing.What are your thoughts on a call to her in afew days, just a short one?

Hi All..... Ok , so those of you that have been following my post, i was just running along the beach 20mins ago and noticed my ex walking towards me with the girls on their bikes. We stopped and said hello, both smiled, she seemed nervous, i stayed calm asked her how she has been,she said she was on holidays now from uni and having a rest, and just out to get some exercise.She asked me how i have been and i said good.She said ok thats cool, then said the girls were keen to get home we both siad goodbye, and went our separate ways.I looked back and so did she. What do i do now, if anything, and what does this mean or where do i go from here? Do i wait and see if she contacts me or what?? Please all advice is needed. Thank You Urban

Yes it is hard, i fight my thoughts daily.But you are probably right....and i have asked this ? a million times on here, but cant seem to get clarity....just how much time to pass is too long for contact? I mean 6 weeks seems like an eternity to me...not sure about her, wouldn't have a clue whether she is thinking the same about me , because she knows how i feel and that she hurt me. Anyway, i'm sure youre doing the right thing with your situation. Regards Urban

Best to either have NC at all or simply be straightout with her and ask her what is the point of all this.If she says friendship or whatever then i guess, you can decide from there how you will feel about it.Probably just better tom leave it be for now.I too an in the same boat simon trying to decide whether or not to contact my ex via a friendly light email after 6 weeks NC?

IMO you handled it very well. Civil, non emotional and straight to the point. Have to ask though, why do you seem so concerned with it?