LootieTootie

It's funny that the ads below this thread is all about dating older women. Any way, I think its fine to have a close and dear friend that's the opposite sex, but I think when there's regular blurred lines going on, I think it's best to be direct. And if she says she doesn't like you in that way or see you that way, I think you should cut back on these daily routines you have with her if you do harbor some romantic feelings for her. I asked if you were putting yourself out there because you are putting so much time and energy in a friendship that somehow has met your emotional needs but not your physical needs. If you cut down on your time with your friend, you might actually have more time, effort and opportunities to meet someone who can give you both.

Got it. If you were bothered the whole time you were dating her but didnt voice it and didnt do anything to alleviate your concerns, then one, I think you need to ask yourself why you prolong this? Is there something else that bothers you about her? Or are you just someone who ignores and ignores until you can't ignore it any more? So yea, some self-reflection is needed. And two, you need to have a heart to heart with her. Tell her the truth. That you can't picture your future wife as someone who has had a sexual intercourse with an older female. It's understandable. I've dated men before who told me they would never date a stripper/hooker or someone who have had a threesome (2 men and 1 female) because they just felt like it was below them and yea, it is judgmental but it's you being true to yourself. Good luck.

Hi Nighttime, Just curious when reading the comments... Are you putting yourself out there? Or have you decided to ride this one out in hopes that a romantic relationship will gradually transpire from this friendship?

I'm sorry this happened to you moomoo. One way you can look at this, is yes its another disappointment but another way to look at this, is its a blessing in disguise. This man was living with you and making you feel bad about when you guys weren't together but there was no commitment and love on his part, but just manipulation and sex. Like Andrina said, its self-love you are lacking. Not love from others. Once you find your self-love, that's all you need to be happy and fulfilled. Think about this and meditate on it. Keep going to your therapy, keep journaling, keep looking for your voice and keep holding your head high. You will find your way.

Okay, but it didnt bother you for a whole year you were dating her, right? Now it does. Do you know what changed that?

How did you find out he left you for another woman?

Hi Onion, Do you know why it has started bothering you?

Just catching up on this thread and wowzers. Kim, I would totally understand if you didnt want to post any more updates on here. The scrutiny and speculations was excessive. I do think everyone means well when they take time to post on here but this thread had some really long speculative narratives of why he is doing what he is doing. SMH Obviously he likes your company but he isn't in the place to have a relationship or/and a long distance relationship. If you like his company too, and you're single, yea why not meet up when your in town? As long as you both know your lanes that it isn't anything serious. Wishing you the best.

He treats you crappy and tells you off and when you ask him an honest question about the relationship, he gaslights you by saying you're giving him ultimatums. What a solid guy. NOT! I love your name, OP. But darling, you need to stop wasting your time and energy on men who do not know your worth. He's a coward and a user. Do better for yourself by blocking this man and not giving him any more of your energy, body and space. He's a big EWW.

Probably still communicates with granddaughter thru Facebook or instagram. Some parents don't check their kids' online activity. Any way, it would be nice if classy angel came back but I think commentaries might have scared her off.

I get why your friend is mad. You left her hanging. It's like you guys have always had this back and forth in text (conversational) and she's used to it, then you left her when she got vulnerable. Then maybe she starts seeing that Tiny leaving her on read more and it makes her sad that her bestie isnt there for her. I say that above BUT I also think your friend is very selfish and only thinking of her needs. You're the one who just had a baby and dealing with a dying loved one for Petes sake. I think this friend is showing her true colors and she is someone best to demote to an acquittance.

I think times like this, you have to grow a thick skin. I understand that it's hurtful not to be included or treated differently by someone you thought was very dear to you, but I think that in situations like this, it's better to let it go then let it take control of your emotions. Even if you asked, I don't think you will get the answers you're seeking for. I think what she is doing has nothing to do with you or how she feels about you. I think it's just her being.... her. Also maybe she has another gift present for both of you later on, but the $500 is just now for her husband. I know in my culture, parents give some small $ when engagement happens but big $ during wedding.

I haven't had a real chance to read your thread but I still think its good that you stood up for yourself and let your MIL and fiancé know that you weren't ok with tracking and sharing account with your MIL. However, when I read your posts, you seem very keen on making your MIL sound like a horrible person. She isn't. She is just different. Two things I learned about marriage: 1) You marry into your spouse's family. Remember that they can't change who their parents are, they can't change who their siblings are. But you trust your spouse to deal with them because thats what they have been doing way before they met you. If you don't trust your partner to do the dealing, then this isn't going to be a happy union. 2) Pick your battles. As much as we like to say we married someone who share the same values, ideas and vision about family, people come from different family structure and family dynamics. Instead of pointing out all the ways your MIL has offended you or does something that is off-putting, try to understand that this is going to be someone that will be a part of your life and you don't need to perpetuate a contentious rivalry by thinking her way is wrong. Her way is just different. You both can agree to disagree and your husband can be the one to deal with your mom. However, if you start feeling like you are the one to keep forcing him to tell his mom, and he feels pressure from you to do so, then this is more about compatibilities.

Funny thing is I go to two local dog parks and have met a handful of people who met their significant other at the dog park! If someone is single and and love dogs and will take care of a dog like taking care of a child, get a dog and mingle at the dog park! Your chances of finding someone there are just as good as anywhere now 😁

This is great news, Rainbows! Your last post about your other meetup where you didnt want to tell us what he said, I was a bit worried. However, it seems like he's a gentleman so far. 🙂

Can we get more context why you think she is looking for a man that is more religious than you are? Also, you haven't mentioned this, but are you trying out any meetup groups or in any recreational clubs that have women your age?

I think we should stopped talking about Alex. This is her thread, talk to her.

Alex, Either you choose to date or not to date, it's totally up to you. We are all different, and everyone's journey is different. I do think you have way too many voices and too many people in your life, including this forum, telling you what you should do and how you should do it. When there's too much noise, you can't hear yourself. You start thinking there's probably something wrong with you - let me be clear. There's nothing wrong with you. I think a lot of who we are starts when we are young and been conditioned by our parents expectations of us, and if you are from a close community or in your case, from a parent that is super critical and overbearing, it's sometimes ingrained into you. You also don't realize that you have a voice because other people tell you what should be and how it should be. So, listen to that voice inside you. That's the voice that Alex needs to assert herself when it comes to any relationship. Don't be a pushover and don't go along with your friends opinions when they tell you that your standards for a man are too high. I sometimes wonder if your dating habits/patterns are a product of your direct/indirect influences of friends and family, and not a product of Alex's keen assessment if this guy checks out on "her" list. Whatever you do, please know that you own your next chapter. Everything you do is on you and nobody else because it's your voice that is taking the wheel.

Exactly. When you have unhealthy thinking about how you want others to view you, it only leads you to unhealthy thoughts and unhealthy feelings about someone or/and yourself. Alex, a lot of your threads about your friends spewed jealousy and contempt and lot of self-pity. You let those negative emotions fester inside you. It starts clouding your perspective on what is love, what is success, what is happy, what is good, what is bad... all this spreads to everything in your life. Meaning you are with a guy who isn't a relationship material guy, but you don't even really know what a "bad" relationship is because you have been thinking "as long as he texts me all the time, he is thinking about me and that's a keeper. I'm sure my friends' boyfriends don't text them as much as my guy." Instead you failed to see that he is just like you, he likes the idea of being like everyone else, but he doesn't know how to be good partner because he doesn't even know what a good partner is... just like you. We attract people who are like us. Again, everything we do, we say and we think, it all starts somewhere and they're all intertwined. You need to reset your wiring. That might mean cutting some people out from your life, but believe me, not a loss when they're impediments to a healthy you and a healthy mind.

The reason why I picked these lines out from your posts is because I don't want to talk about dating or your terrible picker. But I want to highlight something that is very common in your posts... You don't have healthy boundaries because you lack healthy thinking. Unhealthy thinking leads us to poor decisions. One of the most common unhealthy thinking most people are taught is that they should depend on others, especially in cultures where interrelationships are very important. Alex, even if you own a home, you are not as independent as you think you are. You depend on people a lot. You depend on your parents, you depend on your friends, you depend on a man not to break up with you so you won't trip over your own feet. You need to realized that you cannot depend on anyone for anything. Including your own happiness. The only person that can make you happy is you, Alex. The only person accountable for who you are and how you feel, is you. And you don't make yourself happy and so you are always looking for "surface" happiness. Surface happiness are kind of like things we buy ourselves to make us happy. They are always temporary and a quick fix to fill a void but never sustains. A week ago you were "in love" with a man who broke up with you and now you're super happy about another guy who is texting you but who also stated he has no interest in dating you. This is the mind of someone who is shopping for surface happiness because they can't seem to find their internal happiness. Therefore I implore you to take a break from dating or thinking about it. You need to do some self-discovery and do it on your own. Question 1: "Why do I settle for surface happiness since time and time again, it has never brought me any happiness?" Good luck and we have been saying you need better friends and you need to get out of your bubble.

Alex, I'm so proud of you and happy you have chosen to close this chapter in your life. You know what they say? When one door closes, one door opens. It's very true, even if it this moment you don't feel it. I understand where your head is at when it comes to life at your age. When I turned 30, things just looked different for me too. Everyone in my age group was married, having a kid, or engaged. I never cared for kids but sure, I still wanted a forever someone. After a tumultuous 3 year on and off relationship, I realized the people in my life- people I love and care about - have always gave me bad advice about relationships. Some even told me to stick with a bad relationship or change this and that to make a guy happy. I don't know what happened, maybe just exhaustion from relationships but after I turned 30, I stopped talking to friends and I stopped talking to family (sisters and parents). At first, I cried thinking "Oh they probably feel more sorry for me." Then it got easier and I stopped feeling sorry for myself and then I stopped caring what they thought about me. I worked nonstop to distract myself. Even working with some catty coworkers - I put on my headphones and ignore people and work and then go to the gym thinking about work. I didnt care what people thought of me any more. All I care about was work of course, but "who's taking care of me? Me. Who's going to make me happy? Me. Whose worthy of me? Me." Then I met a great guy when I turned 31. This was the real test ....if all that healing and self-talk had worked. I waited 3 months for this guy to see if he wanted to be exclusive, hoping that once we were exclusive I would be a priority. Well, that never came. So I blocked him and it was easier than ever, because in the past it was always hard for me to do when I really like or had like a guy. Once I blocked him, I met my husband. Door closes, door opens. My journey to find forever love was having to go thru a decade of bad relationships, bad advices from loved ones then ignoring those loved ones to listen to my own voice, ignoring petty things and toxic people in my life in order to love myself so once I felt my own love for me, I knew my time was too precious to entertain just anyone. You had to be worthy of me. So what I am saying comes down to this. PLEASE be kind to yourself. Just because you see people all around you with someone, doesn't meant these people are happy. Not everyone in relationships are happy and you don't want to end up like that. If you get antsy with finding love, tell yourself that its okay to pace yourself to find Mr. Right for you. Once that right person comes in to your life, it's easy. There's no pulling hair or pulling teeth to get them to see you in the same light as you see them, and for them to treat you good like how you treat them good. You're on this journey right now so enjoy it, listen to yourself, talk to yourself, temper yourself, and once you learn to love yourself, you will not be settling for breadcrumbs any more. Also, it makes you more attractive to the potential mates out there!

I think you're grieving and you're going thru the emotional roller coaster of these mixed bag of emotions - anger, denial, sadness, pity. So feel what you need to feel. Cry if you need to cry. But please don't beat yourself up in ruminating why on this guy. He's a time waster. And I know this might be hard to hear but I think this guy was just mostly using you. Him showing you off to his parents, his coworkers, thats just for him to show them that "yes theres a female out there who wants to be with me." You were his ego-booster. You showed him that theres a woman out there that will cater to him and beckon to him at every whim. You listened to him b8tch and moan nonstop about his life, and yet he never really cared to know what's on Alex's mind. And I don't think the guy ever loved you even if he said it. I know you bring up about how great he was in 3 months out of the 6 months, but he was consistently treating you like an afterthought, even discarded you like one. I think he loved the idea that there was a woman out there that care a lot about him. I think he loved the idea of living in a better place with a girlfriend. I think he loved the idea of having his parents be close to his significant other. But thats all he was doing... was loving the ideas, but he didnt love you. So it doesn't matter why he has blocked you and why he is still allowing you to be his friend on social media. I would just chalk it up to him being him - loving that you are still around in his social media to validate him, while he has always been the one to invalidate you.

Let me elaborate why I am asking you this question... I'm trying to help you see that their is a bigger issue here than "does my FWB still want to sleep with me every once in a blue moon?" I don't think you like this guy as just a friend, I think you like him more than that. Why else would you post this? You tell him you feel "safe" with him and you get emotional with him when you talk about how men have treated you in the past. This isn't you having fun with a FWB. This is you, using him as an emotional blanket for all your insecurities and baggage that you never addressed/healed from. It's no surprise when you said sometimes you guys go months without seeing each other. I can see why. If he was to see you more, he couldn't have a FWB with no strings attached because he can feel you using him as an emotional blanket. That's when you both started opening up, he made it very clear to you that he's ok with you seeing other men because you deserve to be happy. Hence, he can't give you that. You have to find that for yourself.

He pretty much told you he's totally ok with you dating other men. Again, I ask you, are you okay with an occasional FWB telling you it's fine for them if you date other men?

I'm not saying he doesn't want to see you, I'm saying he's treating you as an afterthought and telling you to date other men. Are you ok with that? If you're ok with being an afterthought and an occasional FWB - yes, feel free to keep this relationship.