Starlight925

The important this is KISS: Keep it Smart & Simple. LOL, there's another set of words for it, but you get it. As others have said: I attended to family responsibilities. No one needs to, or wants to, hear all the details. Frankly, no one cares. All anyone cares about is WIIFM: What's In It For Me? In other words, all they care about is what you can do for them. So focus on that, and you should be fine. Focus on why you want this job, why you want to work for this company, why you think your skills are so well aligned. So again: KISS WIIFM

OK, thank you for the explanation. I'm not judging, just trying to understand. Do you want to stay married? Then tell him, and offer to go to couples counseling together. If you want to leave him, then telling him will only hurt him worse, so don't.

Exactly. What do you mean by "escalated"? What do you mean you "realize" you had an affair? How does one not "know" they had an affair? Your word salad makes it look like you are trying to remove yourself from the responsibility of your actions. And yes, tell your husband. You did him wrong. Own it.

When I read stories like the Gabby one, I think: There but for the grace of G-d go I. Yes, I, too, have been in a relationship where, although not physical, the emotional abuse became volatile. It's what led me to find boards like these in the first place. In my situation, I had moved cross-country to be with the "wuv of my life", even though I saw signs, screaming red flags, flashes of anger. P Prior to my move, I was petrified, so I spoke to a therapist, and told her how sweet and wonderful he was, but these flashes of rage would come out. Very bluntly, she said that someone who has these deep rage issues can only hide them from so long, like a pressure cooker, and that I was heading for a train wreck if I moved. Of course, I moved. I put my townhome up for sale, I quit a high-paying job, I acquiesced to jointly buying a home with him, and, like clockwork, he exploded, every 2-3 weeks. I left within 4 months. Because I saw the rage, I played "cool, cool fiancé (yes, we were engaged) until I left. I was super sweet, warm and wonderful, as I had no place to go until I moved out. One of the last weekends I was there, he went out of town, and while I was packing, I found that he had a loaded gun in a hidden bag. To this day, I realize that I escaped. 20 years later, all is well, and many deep dives into therapy into figuring out why I was drawn to him in the first place, and it's all good. Just bringing all this up reminds me of that whole time in my life, and if your thread helps one person, then I thank you for it.

At least in the U.S., you can still get a "grid" of profiles, after putting in your filters. But, if you've swiped left on someone, their profile is lost forever to you, even if you swiped left by accident. The site tries to use algorithms to present daily profiles to you, and "smart" technology (hate that word, as it's really stupid acronym, 'nother story) to give you who it thinks you want to look at. So the result is, little to no action at all. It's created its own paralysis by analysis. I originally signed up for 3 months with an automatic cancellation, which I'll keep in place, so I'll be done soon.

You'd be surprised at how few messages the women get. Back in the day (yes, I've done OLD as long as 20 years ago), I'd log in to 40 messages. These days, barely anyone even views my profile. And it's not because of my age, etc., as younger gals have the same stories to tell me. People are jaded. It's changed. Ain't what it used to be. My friend, 6 years ago (she was 55), had her profile completely hidden on Match (professional reasons). This friend is jaw-dropping, head-turning goooorgeous, Ivy League educated, and about the funnest, most up-for-anything woman I know. So, because she was hidden, she'd write to guys, and they were able to view her. About 80% didn't write back. I mean, we'd be out at a restaurant and drinks would come her way, offers to pay her bill, she had the most fantastic figure you've ever seen. Literally, 80% didn't write back. The ones who did were very meh. Now, it only takes one, right? That one is now her husband. But her experience was not what you'd expect. People would just open her message (well thought out), and just close it. I think so many are just so jaded now. But, like my friend, it only takes one....

Also, remember, most people are using the app, with the tiny screen. They click on your picture, maybe read a line or two, swipe through all the pics, and then the Message screen pops up. It's hard enough to type out texts on a phone, as people these days do it at stoplights lol. So sometimes, "Hi" is all you get.

I did a trial of Our Time. More scammers there could not be. Everyone looking for a "lonely divorced woman" by pretending to be stuck in another country, a victim of a war zone but a highly decorated military officer, who, if I could only send some money in a cereal box, could come and sweep me off my feet. It's so laughable, that sometimes I'd respond with "Do you need my Social Security number, or will a credit card number be ok?"

As a female, I don't mind the "Hi" messages. It's someone showing interest. I'll write back something a bit more substantial, like "Hi! I love independent films too. Have you been to XYZ theater?". That gives them the go-ahead to write back more substantially.

So she was playing with your emotions, using you to uplift herself. If you had been living in the same place when you first started chatting, she would have ended it within weeks. She may not have even met you then. Yes, she is a player, and yes, it sounds like she's a narcissist. So what do you do with that label? Some think it's a meaningless label, don't waste your time trying to label someone psychologically. I come from a different perspective, as the realization that I had been with a narcissist led me to a path of therapy and deep-dive childhood stuff where I realized that I was raised by a narcissist, so this pattern of push-pull, I love you/No I don't, was so familiar that I was drawn to it, repeating it, comforted by it, and so horribly hurt by it. Going through a lot of therapy helped me to patch those childhood wounds so I could move on. I couldn't move on from the relationship until I fixed the belief that I wasn't the problem in my childhood, and the relationship mirrored what I went through. Once I understood all of that, fully, it was like a cloud was lifted. Does any of this sound familiar to you?

Did you ever video chat? Asking to assess whether this was a real person. Did she ask for money?

They usually reach back out in our moment of weakness. We are alone, we are vulnerable, we are ripe for them to swoop back in. But we don't want to live in anger, because that's not a healthy place for us. It's ok, though, to hold onto the memory of the worst things they did to us. The worst lie, the worst offense, the worst thing they said. That time they no-showed to an important function, that time they said that hurtful thing, betraying a confidence that you had shared in a moment of closeness. Then, when they do swoop in, pull out those memories. For me, what worked after my last relationship was to start a Word document, only for me, where I wrote out sentences, sometimes paragraphs, detailing....stuff. And yes, he came back multiple times, each time in my moment of weakness. The night my father died, he actually reached out, not to express sympathy, but to see if that was a good time for us to get back together. So whenever I forget the anger, I have that document, and just reading a few sentences keeps me from even thinking about going back.

When you say he “pushes” you, what do you mean exactly? Have you ever met in person?

Any updates on Ms. Sniffles? Have you two texted, or are you both letting it evaporate?

It was rude. It was unchivalrous. It was ungentlemanly. I'd be pissed off too, if I was her. You owe her a sincere apology. And if it's truly sincere, she owes you acceptance.

He lied. He's been arrested for domestic violence not once, not twice....but FOUR times. Please don't end up a statistic. We want you to be back here, telling us how you're navigating life alone, as a single woman, learning how to date sweet, honest guys. They're out there, I promise.

You did nothing wrong. She asked how old you thought she was, and she was fishing for the compliment of 10 years younger. Well, you were honest, and this is on her. Note to her: Don't go fishing for compliments, as you might just get the truth.

I've loved reading your thread, and I'm going to respectfully disagree with you on both bolded points! 😄 This was not time wasted. Time wasted would have been if she had lied to you, if she had stood you up and you continued to try, etc. You gave this an honest effort, with honest feelings, and that is time well spent. I also think you didn't lose out by focusing on one person, as you could have had multiple dates going, and it would have taken you longer to figure out that Ms. Sniffles isn't the one. I do believe we have to have some sort of chemistry, attraction, that thought of when will we kiss? Or holding hands gives you an electrical charge. This was lackluster, it lacked the energy you are looking for. No shame in that.

I was in an almost identical situation in my early 40's, and no, not all companies/managment are like this. I took a huge risk and made a complete career change at 42, and I've been doing my job for almost 20 years now, same company. I remember crying on Sunday nights as Monday was going to be back to sociopathic, horrible people. Everyone seemed out to climb on top of you, or push you out of the way, take credit for your work. I am here to tell you, it's not all like that and I'm also sorry to say that while volunteer work, a better social life, etc., are nice, they won't quell the issue, as the same awful people and management style exist on Monday morning at these toxic workplaces. I'm also here to tell you that you are at a perfect age for a career change. Buff up your resume and see what's out there. Of course, don't quit until you find something. I was at the highest paying point in my career when, at the end of my rope from the toxicity, I screamed at the President of the company I was with, and the next words were "I hope you have your resume ready". I did not. But I polished it up, landed on my feet, and 19 years later, that President and I actually very recently had a very nice text exchange, and they paid for my dinner when I met up with some old coworkers from there. Life moves on. Oh! The money was made up along the way, with better benefits, better perks, and nicer people to work with.

Just had dinner with a friend who met her husband 15 years ago online. I couldn’t get through to her how much it’s changed.

I would send more text, just in case she’s truly sick-sick. Near death, hospital, keeling over sick. If all you get from it is a heart-click, then yeah, move on. Re: your date that didn’t show due to her hangover: happened to me too. Had already been out with a guy a couple of times, and I waited 15 minutes, 30, no responses to my texts. Several hours later, he calls & was day drinking, so he fell asleep. He was sooooo sorry blah blah blah. Never spoke to him again. Text her once more, make sure she isn’t laying in some hospital bed, but you may find out that she’s nonchalantly hanging around the house eating saltines and watching Daytime TV.

I would completely discontinue a friendship like this too, so I understand her. She's made her feelings about it clear, and you've made yours clear. You are at an impasse, and as such, your friendship is over. If this is what you choose, and you enjoy, then so be it, but you'll have to find new friends, because this one does not want to be your friend anymore. Question: Why do you "enjoy" knowing you're a prostitute? Is it the attention the men give you? The money? Enjoying the physical sex? Just curious.

This is such an important part of conversation. Not just asking a question, but the follow-up questions, which shows one has listened, in the first place. Too many people ask a question just so they can answer that question: They'll ask how your vacation was, and as soon as you start to respond, they jump in with all of their vacation anecdotes. How was your surgery? Mine was blahblahblahblahblah. I'm backing away from a friendship right now due to this. When she calls me, it's 55 straight minutes of her-her-her, and when she finally asks how I am, she suddenly has to go. Or if we are in person, she stares at her phone as soon as I start talking, only waiting for her chance to talk again. Back to the OP, have you ever had a heartfelt conversation with your husband about this?

Some people don't understand true conversation. They talk "at" you, rather than "with" you. This isn't about being an introvert vs. extrovert. It's about the art of carrying on conversation, which I'm finding is so difficult these days. Good conversation is about being interested, not trying to be interesting. I got a text last night at 9:30 pm from a friend that I really enjoy, as we have great back & forth conversations. She was just finishing dinner with another friend of ours who talks incessantly, all about herself, ad nauseam. My friend texted during the dinner as a "help me" text, as she was so exhausted just listening to this other friend. People like this usually find others with whom to talk incessantly, because people like you (and me) gravitate away from them. I recently made a new friend (yay! surprisingly so difficult these days!). We met at a friend's football gathering. She's cool, has one of the coolest jobs I've ever heard of, so I began by asking her questions about her job, but she ended up asking me lots of questions, about my job, my life, etc. It was such a nice back & forth, that we've now done a few things together, and she's taken an interest in taking me to something that she has access to privately, that is an interest of mine, just so she can share it with me. That's how you have true conversation. As for your husband, I'm not sure what the answer is, as talkers talk. Leaving a party without him is a sad option, but it may be your only one.

This is where your true adulthood comes in. The word "No" is a complete sentence. If they ask why, just tell them you don't want to. If they pressure you, that is even more of a reason to opt out. When we are young we are so guided by peer pressure that we are afraid if we say "No", that will mean we get ostracized from the group. What we learn as we age is that a group that ostracizes us wasn't a group we wanted to be part of anyway, and the temporary hurt of exclusion is replaced by a sense of peace, once we develop true friendships, which appreciate our opinions and thoughts. Simply opt out of any experience you do not wish to partake in.