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jnr586

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  1. I went through an unhappy chapter of life in 2012-2015 (early 30s). I was living in an unfamiliar town, and had little luck forging personal or romantic relationships. To boot, I was in a job that made me miserable. I was happiest when I had the opportunities to leave town, which was as frequently as possible. That period taught me a lot about what I didn't want out of life and really forced me to grow and come out a more mature or stronger person. It prompted me to grapple with my sexuality (I'm gay) and begin the process of coming out. In 2015 I moved to a new city, which is where I live now. I've fallen in love with life here, met the love of my life in 2018, got engaged, and am getting married in the fall. I'm moving up in my job here, and really feel completely at home in this city. While I'm far from my beloved hometown and most of my family, I never feel homesick. I'm in a very happy spot in life. All that said, in quiet moments to myself, I may stumble upon updates from that old town I lived in- maybe on social media- maybe while thumbing through old photos on my phone. And sometimes I LOVE looking back at that time, remembering what it was like, and mostly being happy that that time ended and I came out on the other side of it. I just find it strange that I am sometimes drawn to thinking about that time of my life. Does anyone else ever experience this? Nostalgia doesn't quite fit but I was wondering if a word for this sentiment exists. Thanks all.
  2. I am a healthcare professional who occasionally needs to take on-call emergency duty (about one week a month) for work. My job can be stressful and can be difficult to leave at work. I have a wonderful and kind husband who works very hard at his job six days a week. We both work a lot and our lives honestly feel very in sync, which I think we both love. On the weekends I need to take call (again, once a month) he’s sometimes eager to blow off steam on the Saturday night (he’s off Sunday). Since I’m often preoccupied with work (often home, but sometimes in and out, but again preoccupied) he will sometimes decide to get very drunk. I’ll go to bed and he’ll stay up and listen to music (on headphones), clean (sometimes loudly), and go to bed about two hours after me. I normally adore sleeping next to him but on these nights he’ll stink of alcohol, he’ll snore, he’ll take up the bed, etc. I hate when this happens primarily because it affects my sleep but I wouldn’t want to sleep without him. I think the restrictions of covid have made him treasure this time to reflect, get drunk, and be happy. He works very hard and is an absolutely lovely person, but I hate when he does this. I’ve told him it makes me very upset for reasons that are hard to articulate. I want to get my feelings out there instead of harboring them. In some ways I just want what I want, especially when I’m stressed and work is demanding of me, but I do wonder if I’m unfair trying to “control” this time of his. I just don’t understand why he needs to get so drunk by himself once every 4-8 weeks when he could just be spending the quiet time that I have with me. Thoughts?
  3. Guilty only because I don’t want to be doing someone I care about wrong. Not because I need to feel OK about myself. Apology accepted ;)
  4. Have you considered that this strange behavior from a long-term friend is both concerning and hurtful? Do you really think I posted on this anonymous website looking for advice because I’m just trying not to “look bad” in front of other people? Please tell me you don’t. Sure people outgrow friendships. I’m almost 40. I’ve outgrown plenty. And that’s fine. But I’m just looking for impartial insight, nothing more.
  5. I think she has other issues (maturity, pettiness, bravery, etc.). I’d be happy to do things one on one if she was interested in being straightforward or self-aware about some of these conflicts. She’s complained to me before about gripes she has with mutual friends and I’ve tried to be as honest as I can- basically there’s two sides to every story and I didn’t want to take sides- but that she needs to take some responsibility over how she communicates and treats other people. With all that said, all your posts have made me reflect and conclude that I don’t want to be friends with her unless she’s willing to make some changes, so I guess it’s easy as that. Attempts to reach out previously have only left me frustrated. She is going through a tough time but seems stuck on sabotaging herself. As for the question about why she didn’t say hello- I don’t know. It was an outdoor socially distant gathering - she walked up from afar, went inside the restaurant to order a drink, but instead walked straight out with her head down and to her car and texted myself and the friends she does like that she was going to meet another friend instead.
  6. I have a coworker who I’ve been friends with for years, including prior to becoming coworkers. We work for a large organization where many friendships organically arise. She and I are among a large group of friends but we used to be fairly close. Over the past couple of years, she’s had conflict with a number of our work friends- she seems to be the common denominator. The work friends have all seemed to move past the conflict but one-by-one she’s alienated herself from each of these people particularly in social settings. She and I have never had conflict but it’s reached the point where she’ll only accept social invitations if a small subset of friends- and those friends only- will be present. Most recently I invited her out for my birthday when a large group was present and she immediately left when she arrived (without saying hello) when she saw how many people were there. I’ve tried to be supportive but it’s arriving at the point that every social situation needs to cater to who she does and doesn’t want around. I resolved that I’d refrain from trying to cater to her, and as a result we haven’t been in touch for two months, short of minimal superficial work related issues. I feel bad because I like this person, and I miss the friendship we had, but she seems unwilling to meet halfway, or even 25% of the way. Instinct tells me to just let her go. Thoughts?
  7. I don't disagree with you. I'm very much undecided for the reasons you mentioned. Those reasons prompted me to create this post- primarily not wanting to lie. I'm not sure what we will ultimately decide but it has been very helpful to solicit opinions.
  8. I’m not sure everybody read this completely. Our relationship is not secret, at all. Nor is the engagement. We have been dating for over 2 years. We know each other’s families. We live together. Our lives are tightly intertwined. We plan to have a big wedding in a year. Our relationship is like probably every other relationship, but he happens to be from another country. It would have been easier to fall in love with an American. Promise, I know. We have been separated before because of visa issues that we were lucky enough to overcome. When talk of a quiet civil wedding back then came up, everyone wanted to be invited. And we never wanted to have a wedding that felt forced or rushed or functional. All we want is a regular wedding. But regular weddings take time to plan. During that time I’d like to start the stressful process so it’s over sooner. My idea, not his.
  9. My boyfriend and I are recently engaged and are planning a wedding in late 2020. We are in the US - I am an American citizen and he is here on a work visa. We are considering a secret courthouse marriage soon so we can let the green card process begin. This would allow him to continue working in the US legally without any gap. If we officially marry in late 2020 (the soonest we can have the wedding we want with family and friends) there will probably be a period of 3-4 months that he will be able to be in the US but will not be able to work, which he doesn't want. We have decided that- if we did it- we would tell no one but two witnesses we could trust, as it seems the more people who know about it want to be invited. The civil ceremony would be for logistical purposes, and nothing more. It would be an act of love, but we can't include our family and friends in the way that we'd like to without some saving and planning. Has anyone done something similar with good or bad experiences? I don't like the idea of deceiving people, but if we could get a headstart on a lengthy process, it will hopefully be less disruptive for our lives.
  10. One of my closest friends seems to be pushing his friends away, including me. We've been friends for 15 years (we're men in our late 30s). There's probably 10 of us (men and women, including his wife) from that stage of our lives that have all stayed remarkably close despite gradually moving to different cities, etc. He's by far my closest of the friends and his wife would probably be the second closest to me. I've considered the two of them nearly family and the feeling has been mutual. Three months ago he got mad at me over something that seemed minor (to me). I didn't even know he was mad. He just stopped talking to me. He's not told me what's wrong and hasn't given me the opportunity to even apologize or make it right. I've tried to reach out a number of times but no response. I've talked to his wife about it and she doesn't know why he's acting this way. Apparently I'm not the only one who's been singled out. He's admitted to her that he's pushing his friends away. She's quite private but she's admitted to me that she's upset about it, as am I. He's someone that I thought I would be friends with for life. We've been through a lot of life stages and tough transitions together, we've traveled the country together through the years, and he's kind of like the brother I never had. Do some people simply lose the desire to have friends as they age? At this point I feel he owes me the apology but I am worried even if we did reconcile, when will I make him upset again? I'm very sad and conflicted over this.
  11. I'm unclear as to why you're characterizing me as wanting to "cash in" because I'm "struggling" and that I "resent" him. And to then assert that I'm "creepy". Those are some pretty big and bold jumps in logic, not to mention that I'm not a female.
  12. My instinct is the former, to be honest. I have little concern that he's just using me other than baseline sensible concern that this might not work out one day. My gut tells me it's the real deal, but time will tell with that.
  13. I am not struggling financially. The only reason I bring money into it is because our salaries are not equal; while I have a comfortable salary, my expenses are not inconsequential. Nothing about having him live with me has to do with a financial incentive. I'm a 36-year-old successful professional. For whatever it's worth, we're both men, although that shouldn't make a difference. I'm not a fool and I'm not a pushover. I've recognized that I've found something good- no, great- and I'm thrilled about it. He's an absolute gentleman and was invited into my house. He would leave readily and with a heavy heart if I asked him to. I don't want him to and he doesn't want to. Life is short. I've spent long enough finding someone that's right for me. It's unfair to tell me I shouldn't have someone "basically" living with me after 4 months when you don't know me or any of the surrounding circumstances. It isn't even what I'm asking. Living with him is wonderful. My question has nothing to do with whether it's right for him to spend his time at my house. The reason I didn't ask that question is because I have zero question that it's the right thing for me and the right thing for him. My question has to do with when does he stop being a guest. It doesn't cost me marginally any more for him to be there.
  14. No I am not afraid to ask him. I am looking for objective opinions on what seems fair. I love him, and I want to be good to him. When you say it is not strange- do you mean it is not strange to not contribute or it is not strange for me to ask him?
  15. I've been in a relationship for 7 months with a really amazing guy. He came to the US in January on a one-year visa. We met in March and things could honestly not be better. His job provided him with undesirable housing and after about July or so he pretty much started staying with me full-time (as in he's spent one night as his provided house in the last 3 months). We are both very happy cohabitating with each other. Any conflicts are minor and are easily approached. Frankly, we just want to be around each other. He's been able to get a 2 year extension on his job and another visa. He'll continue to have provided housing but he'll continue to primarily live at my house. We have split food expenses evenly, but he hasn't paid for utilities or anything else like that. And I haven't expected him to, especially as he has his own house if he needs it (no expenses associated with it). As we move forward into the next 2 years, I don't know how to broach the money subject with him. My income is about 3-4x more than his. I have a lot of expenses, primarily my mortgage and a mountain of student debt that far exceeds my annual income. I feel like the next 2 years are going to be a test to figure out if he is the one, which I think he is. We can discuss things very openly, but I was interested to see what others thought was fair. As I see it, his income is limited (for the next 2 years) and he does have a house to go back to if he needs it. On the other hand, he's primarily living at my house. Is it strange for him to not contribute? All input is welcome!
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