gentleman

I totally agree. I wish people would take it easy, which would ultimately help in reducing depression. You're right about obsession with money making lots of people depressed and enraged, always striving after what they can't have and then becoming depressed and angry when they don't achieve it. My life's great in lots of ways, but I've felt lonely for quite some time now, because I really want that special someone in my life. I admit that this makes me depressed sometimes, but it also makes me appreciate the small, basic things in life. Being alive, breathing, seeing, hearing, being able to communicate and talk, having a brain, enjoying food, nature, music, all that stuff. But it's the same over here in the UK. Scotland, Ireland, Wales, England. Money, depression, anger... You might think I'm crazy but I actually thought things might be a bit better in America in some ways. We have an expression here that goes "The other person's grass is always greener." The one thing I would say is that Brits aren't as engaged with the anger surrounding George W Bush. You sound like a nice person, with a good head on your shoulders.

I forgot to say that once I got talking to someone for a long time, asked her if she'd like to go for coffee, and she did. We went for coffee right there and then, and then 2 days later we went to a restaurant, then we did the same a few days after that, so I saw her 3 times after 1st meeting her. I told her I liked her and she said she was only interested in friendship, so if I wanted more, she would rather we didn't see each other again. I know everyone is different, but often it's hard to show someone you're more than just a nice guy/good company. Seeing as people often send anonymous cards on V day, why do you think a light-hearted card might scare her, is it because she won't know who it's from (a common thing on V day) or because I might have written something heavy, which is wrong if I don't know her? Wello I was just going to say something very light, with my number at the bottom. Sorry for making such a deal of this. I don't know a lot of people I could talk to about this kind of stuff, so I really apprciate your opinions on enotalone. Hope you're having a good weekend.

Very good advice Mermayd, thanks. You've reassured me that I'm not trying the wrong things, to get to meet new people. I guess I just don't want history to repeat itself, as I talked to someone else a few months ago, during the commute from work, but by the time I had asked her if she'd like to go for coffee sometime (I don't think I should ask that the very 1st time I spoke to someone), she had met someone else. That's one of the ironic, difficult things about meeting someone in "normal life" and not at a club or bar. A lot of guys will go to a club or bar and end up with a girl. Sure, it may be based only on physical looks to start with, but it's more direct than taking time getting to talk to someone more and more, before asking them out for coffee or whatever. So do you reckon if I get talking to her this week, I could ask her if she'd like to go for a coffee as we're parting our separate ways, even though it would be the 1st time I've ever spoken to her? She may not be easy to talk to if lots of other people are on the train though. I never like to feel like I've got an "audience" if I'm talking to a woman I like. Why is life so complicated?

It might be worth reading this other recent post of mine first: link removed Basically I've been single for about 18 months and it's getting me down. All my friends keep saying they can't understand why I've not had much luck, as I've got a lot going for me. I guess it's because I always seem to meet people who already have a boyfriend or who are married, people who are on vacation who I won't see again, people who have just finished a long relationship are who aren't ready for another so soon, or people who would have been interested in me but who are soon to be relocating to another country! I spend a lot of my time each day travelling to and from work and I often see the same people around. Because of the large portion of time I spend commuting, I often end up becoming interested in people I see each day. I used to be shy, but over the last year I have really tried to be more extrovert and I can now start conversations quite easily, with all kinds of people, but of course in this case I'm pointing out that I often talk to new women whilst waiting for the train, for example, or someone at the grocery store or whatever. But... quite often I never see the person again for a week or more, and it's really frustrating. The next time I see them and speak to them, they've either forgotten that they'd spoken to me before, or when I get talking to them again and we're talking about out week and what's new, they mention a new boyfriend or something like that. And it's not like I can really give someone my number or ask for their number the 1st time I ever talk to them on the platform or in a shop or whatever. And even if I do regularly (2, 3 times per week) speak to someone I like, it never seems to go anywhere, even if I directly ask someone if they'd like to grab a coffee or a drink sometime. So this leads back to my other post: link removed Sure, this girl is someone I notice every day, but quite often she is sat next to someone else (not someone she knows, I just mean someone who took the seat first) or in a rush or whatever. Sure, one time I could be sat next to her and I could start a conversation, but I might not see her again or be able to talk to her again for a few days or weeks depending on the obvious circumstances. So because I've got nothing to lose, I don't know her other than by sight and because I can't exactly just walk up to her and ask her out, I thought somehow getting a valentine's card to her could at least let her know someone is interested in her, and she might even call me if I leave my number. I know she's not got a boyfriend or husband because I heard her talking to a friend one day, about all stuff like that.

I think you should ask her out before. And don't be too concerned with buying her a gift. A rose or roses, or something else that is simple and romantic will be just fine. What do you all think about my own question?: link removed

I think I will make a move soon. My confidence is quite high at the moment, but starting general conversations about general things with people I've been attracted to has never resulted in anything more than making new acquaintances, so I think it's time for me to be more direct.

I know what you're saying. Maybe it will be better for me to wait until early February. I mean, one more week hopefully won't make any difference to whether she's already met someone or not. The only down side of leaving it a while longer is that if she did get in contact, it might be difficult to book a restaurant or get something else planned for Valentine's Day. But I'm not overly bothered about the day itself as it's just another day - it's her that I'm bothered about and getting to talk to her at any time would be great.

There is a girl I'm intending to ask out and I figured Valentine's Day approaching makes now the ideal 'excuse'. I don't know her (but I know she's not got a boyfriend or husband and that she's looking for someone) so the Valentine's Day card I would send would be a 'secret admirer' kind of card, although I would give her some way of contacting me. The question is, is now too early to get the card to her? I could wait until nearer February 14, but I don't want to run the risk of losing my chance by leaving it too late, so I figured if I send the card soon, there will hopefully be more chance.

Hi Lily. That is also something I have considered, that maybe I came on too strong (emotionally) after our 1st date, but all I said was things like "Looking forward to being with you again in a few days" and seeing as she kissed me on the 1st date, there's nothing wrong in typing lots of kisses at the end of an E-mail or phone message, so... This is my other post, by the way: link removed On our 1st date she told me that she has been single for 2 years and is looking for a serious relationship. She also told me that she likes to know where she stands with a guy and likes a guy who expresses his feelings. So if she is afraid of commitment, it's a bit ironic. If she has been put off me because I seemed too eager to see her again, I will be angry with myself as I thought I was careful not to seem too eager, but also not to appear like I couldn't care less. If some one was too eager with me and I didn't like it, I woudl forgive them and let us start again, but I guess not all people would do that. David

Thanks for your replies. I agree - every one is different. In reply to Swordsman, I have thought a lot about what happened on our 1st date and I can think of absolutely nothing negative. We got on great, never stopped talking and after the date she told me she had had a great time and she would like to see me again - and then she kissed me on the lips a few times. Since then, we have been E-mailing each other every day and sending occasional cell phone messages. She responded well to the sweet things I have said in my E-mails and cell phone messages, but every time we made a plan for our 2nd date, she was either tired, too busy or had to cancel for some other reason. Sure, maybe she was genuinely tired, busy or had something else to do, but she has cancelled 3 times and I have now not heard from her for 4 or 5 days and she does not reply to E-mails/messages. I just can't figure it out. But if I asked her to be honest with me and tell me what went wrong, she might just say something to shut me up or get rid of me, and not be honest. You know, the "It's not you, it's me" break-up line. I have considered every possibility: - She has met some one else between meeting me and our 2nd date which never happened - Maybe I said something to upset her, but she responded positively to everything - Maybe some one has hacked into my E-mail and sent her something offensive - Or maybe she just genuinely has no time for a 2nd date, and she got tired of me asking when I could see her again. But surely one is entitled to show enthusiasm to see some one they like again What do you reckon from what I've said? David

You may have read my recently post about the girl I went on a date with recently, who showed strong signs that she liked me, and then suddenly started making excuses not to see me again, like she was always too busy or too tired. After reading another enotalone post about confused women, I reckon she was probably an example of someone who did not know what they wanted. On the date, she told me she was looking for a serious relationship and she told me she liked me, but when I showed signs of enthusiasm to see her again fairly soon after our first date, she probably did not know what she really wanted. That is just speculation though, and leaves me with doubts over whether I did or said something wrong, which made her lose interest in me. So my question is, is it important to find out why things have turned out the way they have, in order to learn for the future, or is it best just to forget, move on and hopefully meet some one else? David

In case she genuinely is very busy all of a sudden, I'm going to give it one more week and then if she keeps making excuses, I'll totally cool off and see is she then shows more interest. Most weeks I work 12-hour days and I can still find the time to see her, so for her to work 8-5, surely she can manage 1 hour after work. As fallslikerain said, giving up an hour or a few hours in a week for someone you like, is nothing.

Scout, I totally agree with you about the 3 weeks. A lot of people say to me 'maybe she genuinely is very busy, all of a sudden', but if I like a girl, I MAKE time to see her, so 3 weeks seems long to me, especially as she has made no moves to see me again. The thing I do not understand is she emails me a lot still. David

Thank you for all your responses so far. You are right to suggest that I ask her one last time about seeing her again, but that I leave it up to her to say when. And if she is unable to suggest a time, then it will be clear she is not as interested in me as I am in her. If she replies with something ambiguous like 'I don't know. When I am not so busy, I will let you know'? I guess that's the sign she is not so interested. What DBL said about maybe she has met someone else is something I have thought about too. I guess she would not admin that to be if I asked her, though. I guess the reason why I have been questioning what is happening is because on our 1st date she made several suggestions about places we could go and things we could do, which obviously gave me the impression that I would see her again. She finishes work at 5 each day and normally watches television between then and going to bed, so turning down the chance to spend even a short time with me one evening seems a bit pathetic to me. David

Hello Everyone, I would really appreciate it if you could give me your thoughts on the situation I am in. I will keep it short as I know long posts are hard to read. I went on a date with some one 3 weeks ago and we got on almost perfectly. At the end of the date, she told me she had had a great time and then she kissed me on the lips. We have kept in touch by e-Mail since then but she does not seem very enthusiastic about seeing me again. We had made a date to see each other again a few days ago but she had to cancel because of a family commitment and ever since then, whenever I ask her when I can see her again, she says she is busy and feels tired. I was naturally disappointed that she had to cancel, but she has made no effort to re-arrange and does not seem disappointed that we did not see each other as planned. This is strange, because she had previously said to me that she was excited about seeing me again. I have a hard job too and I also work very hard, but even so, I would MAKE time to see her, even if it is only 30 minutes during a week. I am at the stage in my life where I would like a regular relationship, and during our 1st date, she told me she is looking for a serious relationship also, so I cannot understand why she does not seem interested in seeing me. Sure, maybe I will see her in 4 or 5 weeks, but that's too long. She only lives 15 miles away and we work in the same city. Thank you for your thoughts. David

After a year of being single after a 10 month relationship ending, I'm ready for a serious relationship again and have been trying to meet different girls in as many ways as possible, including the internet. The problem is, I find it hard to read body language and peoples' feelings. Some girls I think are having a great time and then a couple of days later they tell me there was no chemistry so they don't think we should see each other again. And then on the other hand, a girl will tell me she had a great time whereas I didn't, maybe because this time it was me thinking that a 'spark' wasn't there. Another problem is circumstances. A lot of people I'm meeting at the moment are just finishing college and going to move back to their home towns, or they are getting tired of their lives and want to move to Australia or some other far away country. I have learnt lessons from the past and I don't want to rush into anything, but I would prefer to meet someone who is going to stay around the area for at least a couple of years (unless something unexpected happens in the meantime of course). I'm a 'soft' guy and don't like hurting peoples' feelings but many girls have hurt mine in the past, so I should try and be honest with some of the people I've met lately, telling them I want a serious relationship eventually an maybe they're not 'the one.' I mean, surely a physical attraction that gives you a bit of a 'wow' feeling is also important, in the same way that finding someone you have things in common with and who is a nice person, is important?

Thanks, that's all good advice. I'm a very expressive person and am often overly-communicative, so I always plan to be open with her as you say. I only met her very recently and to be honest I've been quite hasty recently to find a girlfriend, so I have yet to work out whether I like her enough to enter into a serious relationship with her. I've always lived my life like someone much older than myself (probably why my last girlfriend was 28) so I'll have to see how things pan out with this girl. How is your situation similar? Thanks again for your post.

I'm from the UK and I recently met a girl who has just turned 18. There are no problems with the law but she is still finishing high school and her parents want her to go to university. Ignoring the question of whether I really like her or not, which is another thing for me to decide, I'm not sure whether I should continue seeing her as even though I'm only 21, I'm wanting a serious relationship. She says she wants the same thing, but at 18 and the fact she hasn't left school and experienced the working world yet, I don't want her to make a mistake.

This site is great. I've got the same problem as joeyjoehoe. I've talked about it in my "Small Town Blues" post. Basically when I left school and went to college in another city, leaving my small town behind for a while, I am now in the situation where I want to get to know 'old faces' from school, but some of them won't remember me. I'm just waiting for a good opportunity, but as soon as I spot someone from my old school and resolve to say hi to them next time I see them, I never see them for weeks and weeks afterwards, lol.

The one thing that really makes me laugh (and get a bit mad at the same time) is that my parents, grandparents, older friends and a lot of neighbours always comment on how nice I look and how well I dress, but I don't think it matters to girls. I know quite a lot of girls who have boyfriends who are very scruffy and wear horrible clothes, have horrible hair and stuff like that. I think they're with them just because they shout the loudest and have more confidence. Everyone should just dress how they feel comfortable. I you prefer jeans, wear jeans. If you prefer shirts and trousers, wear them. Being indivudual is great. It's sad when people feel forced to wear certain clothes or have a certain hair-style to fit in. Not that I'm talking about you, just in general...

My problem is that I have to dress smartly for my job and I have always liked to dress smartly to feel confident, so when I go on a date, it might appear that I haven't made an effort. Ironically, I would demonstrate that I've made more of an effort if I dressed scruffily, but that's not me. From my observation, when I go clubbing or to a bar, quite a lot of guys do like to dress what they consider smartly, but they always end up looking the same, following the latest styles on TV or in catalogues. One of the main things that attracts me to a woman is how she dresses and I particularly like an individual, someone who dresses a little differently and has their own style. That's how I like to be as a guy, proud to be me and an individual. The unfortunate thing is that most girls I meet aren't interested in someone gentle, old fasioned and well dressed like Niles in Frasier.

Kakster, Yup, I know where she'll be each day, when she starts and finishes work, but whenever I see her in the street and try to catch her eye to say hi to her, she is looking down at the ground when she is walking along, so it's hard to make eye contact and I'm not sure if she recognises me as a 'regular face' anyway. I find a lot of people walk along with their heads down, perhaps because they're shy or just in their own world or something. I've overcome being really shy and I like smiling and saying hi when I walk past somebody, but I always seem to get a crush on people who are hard to initiate that with. Maybe Chris is right, I need to find somebody else and forget about this crush, unless a good opportunity comes along of course.

If you see a stranger one day and can't get her out of your mind and keep changing your routine hoping you see her around again and maybe get the chance to speak to her, it's obvious you've got a crush. What's the best way to get over a crush if you don't think there is going to be any normal opportunity to get to speak to the girl, without just asking her out or talking to her as a stranger?

It is the 18-25 age group that I find is obsessed with clubbing and drinking - people from all different groups and backgrounds. Look at any personal ads on the Internet for that age group and many (sure, not all) of the UK profiles mention alcohol whereas those from otuside the UK don't tend to. My problem has always been that I'm different, in various ways, to most people in my age group so have found it harder to relate to them and nd conversely, people who are slightly older than me view an age gap of 3 or 4 years to be huge. You made a really interesting point about the American/European social openness perhaps masking deeper feelings and being a bit superficial. It's true that a lot of people who are very outgoing and sociable don't allow you to get to know 'the real person.'

I thought it would be interesting to see if anyone had experienced the same as me, that English girls and Japanese girls are harder to talk to than European or American girls. When I was at college, I found it so easy to start conversations with 'international' people but when it came to talking to English girls I really struggled as many young people in the UK are obsessed with getting drunk so unless that is what you talk about, you are labelled as boring. Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule, but I've not found many. I've noticed also that Americans are far happier to express a belief in God, but religion is another turn-off in the UK where people in general just aren't as friendly I don't think.