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hi I am in college and learning about a type of therapy called Relational-cultural model and I think it might apply to your situation very well. This model is based on the feminist perspective that people grow to maturity through those relationship in which they are able to connect and invest their themselves in, among others, intimacy, authenticity, mutuality. Coupled with the basic understanding that for anyone who has grown up in even a minutely dysfunctional home the methods we learned to get our needs of affiliation, connection, love and validation are going to be skewed. Often times showing up as defense systems that cause us to push for disconnection at the time when we are most in need of connection (though sometimes it is a connection with ourselves that is needed and not others). I don't want to get hurt. I could really use a hug, but because I am afriad of being labeled needy I am going to do what I know pushes you away. I don't know if this helps? I would suggest getting into therapy with someone who is practicing this method so that when and if the opportunity comes for your wife to come back into connection with you there will be a clean healthy space for that to happen in. Maybe too, keep in mind that the boundaries we set with loved one are points where we are meeting and sharing of ourselves in a very vulnerable way. So though the boundaries she has set are hard they are representative of a space that you are sharing together. stream

hi I am experiencing a similar transistion with my partner of 3 1/2 years. I was diagnosed about a year into our relationship with Complex PTSS. Complex Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome is a common problem for people who have been victims of violent and or prolinged abuse. I was diagnosed after I figured out who it was that had abused me for so many years as a child. I deal with triggers on a daily basis, and have found that the relationship I had created with my partner was filled with all of my methods for coping with what was done to me. The key thing here is that I am referring to things that happened in my past. My partner is not abusive though I have often treated him as though he were because of the intensity of my triggers and flashbacks. I think it is amazing and wonderful that you have successfully been able to help yourself into a place of health and stay there. Your insight about lettign go of one relationship, changing, and then initiating the relationship on a new foundation seems right on to me. I would suggest, for your own benefit, looking back of your ex-gf interaction with you as you read on co-dependence. I put this out here because anyone who is in the process of developing a sense of themselves, as it sounds she is, can fall into the traps of co-dependence very easily in our society. Once in it the only way out is through conscious choice and focused effort by both parties. It takes two for co-dependence to work. I just reviewed a helpful book in this area called "Healing Together: A guide to intimacy and recovery for co-dependent couples." A very insightful well-written book with a lot of exercises to help things along, and you don't have to currently be in a relationship to get stuff out of it. stream

hi Emotional maturity is different for everyone. Brain maturation is something that happens at about the same rate for everyone, except in cases of brain development complications. I just fininshed taking a class at a university about female adolescents and one of the main topics of conversation was how to know when a young woman is going to be ready to have sex. How young is to young? The answer from the perspective of counselers who have worked with girls who had sex very young (12 to 14 yrs.) and girls the same age who had not showed that the girls who had sex at a a young age were more likely, even if the sex was a positive experience, to have issues later in life with healthy boundaries, self-esteem, and self-image. About 50% of girls who choose to engage in sex and feel ready for sex at the ages listed above have been through experiences of sexual or other forms of abuse. Ultimately , they have come to undrstand that older men/guys are more mature and will be able to meet the emotional needs that were unmeet during their early childhood. And society has set a going exchange rate for the meeting of these needs as sex, despite the realtiy that the parts of the brain which process the endorphines and emotional stimulus during sex do not start to develop until around late sixteen. She may feel she is ready. She is not. love her and support her is appreciating her self as a person and as a human with a perfect beautiful body. strean

hey, sounds like your ex is just starting to really think for herself. As a woman in the same sort of position; that is just broke up with my partner because I need to know how it feels to think on my own out of a relationship. How old is your ex? Sometimes the whole processof learning to stand on our own two emotional feet can be exicting and we want to share that with someone that we know loves us. As it seems you do and in a healthy way. At the same time the thought of sharing emotional space with a man can feel very threatening because women so often in our society are encouraged, if not forced, to operate in our lives as though the only time we can really be ourselves as unique independent women is if we are without a boyfriend. I don't know if this helps. stream

hi i have found that doing deep breathing exercices and a simple positive visualization for about ten minutes in the morning really helped me when I knew that i was going into an environment where I might get triggered. what happens is by giving myself the good stuff (deep breathing and visualization) every morning i built up my stamina for dealing with the hard stuff when it came up for me. if you decide to try this you should know in advance that it might take a couple of days before you notice any difference--so be patient--don't cut.. your visualization needs to be very clear, detailed, and about something positive. not a goal in the future but something that already exists, like an orchard of cherry blossoms, or how in the fall when the leaves change color and if you stand under them their big strong branches hold themselves perfectly still over your head and as the light streams down onto your smiling face the orange and red mingle and light is no longer just light. It is a kind of music without words that only you and the tree and the colors can hear. if you can see this and feel this as clearly and intensely as you feel the need to pee, or with time maybe your image intensity will equal your feelings of rage in the moment. then instead of lashing out there is room for you to grow through the rage without it controlling you. most of this stuff is about control anyway right? I know it is for me. good luck i am sooo happy to hear that you haven't cut yourself lately stream

hi i have found that doing deep breathing exercices and a simple positive visualization for about ten minutes in the morning really helped me when I knew that i was going into an environment where I might get triggered. what happens is by giving myself the good stuff (deep breathing and visualization) every morning i built up my stamina for dealing with the hard stuff when it came up for me. if you decide to try this you should know in advance that it might take a couple of days before you notice any difference--so be patient--don't cut.. your visualization needs to be very clear, detailed, and about something positive. not a goal in the future but something that already exists, like an orchard of cherry blossoms, or how in the fall when the leaves change color and if you stand under them their big strong branches hold themselves perfectly still over your head and as the light streams down onto your smiling face the orange and red mingle and light is no longer just light. It is a kind of music without words that only you and the tree and the colors can hear. if you can see this and feel this as clearly and intensely as you feel the need to pee, or with time maybe your image intensity will equal your feelings of rage in the moment. then instead of lashing out there is room for you to grow through the rage without it controlling you. most of this stuff is about control anyway right? I know it is for me. good luck i am sooo happy to hear that you haven't cut yourself lately stream

nobody HAS TO do anything. my father didn't have to rape me when i was seven. he said he didn't have a choice. i know he did. i have the right to make choices too. so do you. if your choice is to cut your self a hole be sure to clean it and maybe someday whatever trauma it is that you are re-creating or extinguishing inside will get cleaned too. "history has no need to repeat itself; only trauma does." Lloyd De Mause, PhD. a man you has studied the effects of trauma from all forms of abuse around the world, and cutting is one of them. if you are courageous enough to endure the pain of cuuting and healing required afterward you are definitely strong enough to face the issues that cause you to believe you are making healthy choices by cutting stream

hi i came to this site looking for answers. so far the only thing that is making sense to me is what you have shared. Life can really suck sometimes, or maybe all of the time. in one year i had my grandfather, cousin, friend and an aquintence die in one year. and around that year i had two other cousins die. one by suicide and one for unknown reasons. i don't cut, but I have wanted to at times, but realized that for me it would never make any difference in how I felt in the long run. and i need to be thinking in the long run because I have a son to take care of. i know how hard therapy can be, especially when it doesn't feel safe. I am learning the hard way that nobody outside of me can fix me or even give me the answers that I have to find out for myself. one of these is knowing why the heck i am here in so much crazy pain that I feel like i am losing my mind. i have what is called complex post traumatic stress syndrome. I bet you do too. learning how to ask therapist for what you need can sometimes make it eaiser to talk to them. Also, you might want to see if their is therapist that can offer you EMDR. it is trauma releasing therapy that involves using the eyes moving back and forth to access trauma spots in our brain. It doesn't take the pain away, but it helped me to start the process of cleaning my severely festered heart and mind. i haven't gotten very far as relationships go becasue i have been afraid to feel my pain. my partner of three years is leaving me because i have been taking my rage and pain out on him and my son and myself. let this be a testament that holding in the pain only serve to make the pain worse. oh, and has anyone told you about the cycle of grieving. everyone goes through it. sometimes it helps to know why our emotions are what they are. stream