boltnrun

Sorry, bluecastle. The looting is over in my city thankfully. It must be very unnerving to have Guardsmen that close. Hopefully you are safe and remain so.

I messaged my manager this afternoon. I'm supposed to be keeping in touch for when they decide they need me to report to work. I know he's super busy but I need him to give me some time to discuss how I was moved to another position without my knowledge or approval. I will ask to be stepped to another role because I vehemently am not interested in this other role. I'll take a cut in pay if I have to. But I am incensed.

Glued to my TV. Wondering if I'm going to be called back to work after all since my city is under curfew. Everyone is still working but some shifts are abbreviated and they are unable to keep up normal production. My anxiety is spiking slightly looking at the huge crowds. I am sure there will be hundreds of new Covid cases, which is a shame because these people are trying to make a change. I am not afraid for myself but for the protestors who are most certainly exposing themselves to infection. However, I admire the bravery of those who are literally risking their lives to protest injustices. I wish I were that brave.

Oh wow, that's too bad. I actually dreamed about the pandemic last night. That was a first. Of course, I wake up anxious every day. I hope you get restful sleep tonight.

You got three responses to your thread. Two of them were extensive. Yes, no contact is a good idea. When you see her on campus simply nod and continue on with your day.

Do you know what the trigger was?

Thanks to Kamurj (mod) for changing the title. It makes more sense now...I think? Household chore day. I only went outside to move my car for the street sweeper and I'll be taking out the trash later. I know those sound trivial but to me they are major obstacles. Kind of disappointed in the "Care Coordinator" who was supposed to set up a doctor and therapist for me. She handed my case off to another employee who set me up with wrong kind of doctor (even though I specifically requested a certain specialist and the original coordinator agreed) and has done nothing to provide a referral to a therapist. Now I have to wait longer to see if they're going to fix their mistakes. I was hoping I actually was working with someone competent but those hopes got dashed. Why is incompetence not only rampant but expected these days??? If I performed that poorly I'd lose my job. Speaking of job, I logged on to my work laptop today and found that my position has been changed! They moved me to a role that I never wanted, didn't apply for and have zero interest in. I'll have to get with my manager to find out why they did that. I'm sure they'll tell me they moved me to where they need me, but I don't see how they can just move someone to a different job whenever they feel like it. If they won't change it I will step down as soon as I possibly can.

So today's laundromat and grocery store adventure! Got to the laundromat about 9 am. Only about 5 people inside. I sprayed down 2 machines and got my change out of the change machine and washed 2 loads. Waited in my car until the wash was almost finished, then I sprayed down a table and one dryer. Right after I finished spraying and wiping the dryer along comes a lady trying to put her clothes inside! I told her that was my dryer and she said "I was just..." Yeah, you were just about to use the dryer I just spent several minutes disinfecting! Nope! She apologized and I said "that's fine" but she cannot have my dryer! So I put the clothes in the dryer and decided to run to the grocery store down the street to pick up a few things. The grocery store was an absolute zoo. Dozens and dozens of people inside and no restrictions on how many can be in the store. Face coverings are mandatory which is good, but no crowd control at all. I got almost all of what I needed (no razors!!!) and got out as fast as I could. Back to the laundromat. Parking lot was now full. Place was so busy that someone was waiting for me to leave so they could use my parking space. Again, got out as quick as I could. Annoying thing, I lost some socks. Those wall mounted clothes dryers don't stop spinning unless you open them at least 6 inches, which means things escape. And I sure wasn't going to put socks that fell on the floor into my clean clothes basket. Lots of juggling to get laundry and a bottle of milk and a bottle of water inside. Rest of the groceries are still in the trunk, but nothing is perishable. Ugh...lessons learned, get to the laundromat earlier and do not try to buy groceries on the same day I do laundry. Also lost 3 more pounds. I swear I've been eating better but I'm still losing weight. I've lost 18 pounds so far. I look ridiculously skinny.

Agree. But I don't see that as a phobia. A phobia would exist regardless of circumstances. For instance, I am afraid of snakes. I am afraid of them all the time. I am not usually afraid of people or crowds or of leaving home. This fear is in reaction to the pandemic. I do think it's above and beyond what it should be, which is why I am seeking professional help.

What will be required? Will there be temperature checks for the kiddos and staff? Will you be required to be tested regularly? How about shared meal spaces? Shared play areas and toys/books? I'm sure your customers will feel safer leaving their children with you rather than a large, corporation-owned daycare center.

They just started relaxing restrictions and now we are on a curfew. No protests so far about how the curfew violates civil rights. I thought after all the protests about how requiring masks was infringing on constitutional rights we'd for sure get some about being told to go home at 4 pm. But so far, nothing. I find that interesting. My workplace is having to have abbreviated shifts and duties due to the curfew. Again, no restrictions on work for the pandemic but restrictions for the curfew. Maybe it's because people can see the looters and rioters on their TVs but they can't "see" the virus. I read somewhere that visuals are everything.

I don't think I have a phobia. I believe it's anxiety. If it was a phobia it would have manifested itself before this. I have never been afraid to leave home or to be in crowds. The only other time I was afraid to leave home alone was during the LA riots. Again, a legitimate trigger for anxiety. Otherwise I have traipsed alone all over the place and in all kinds of crowded conditions. Never bothered me.

Thanks ladies :) So maintenance guy decides to show up at the back door instead of the front, where I'd already laid down plastic sheeting :\ He put on the booties I provided, but put them on OUTSIDE, which defeated the entire purpose. He proceeded to keep them on when he had to make several trips to his truck, again totally defeating the purpose. But he only stepped on the tile floor and when he had to go into the living room he walked only on the plastic sheeting. I spent an hour disinfecting the tile floor and the kitchen and the doorknobs he touched. Overkill? Probably. But like my friend said, if it makes me feel more comfortable there's nothing wrong with what I am going. Curfew was set for 4 pm. I was going to go to the store to pick up water and milk and hand soap and a few other items but I figured there would be a rush to the store resulting in crowds. So I will have to go to both the laundromat and the store on the same day. I'd like to get them both done tomorrow. One trip to get two chores done makes sense. It was heartwarming to see all the people who showed up downtown this morning to clean up and help board up the stores that were looted and those that seemed to need protection. Dozens and dozens of people came with brooms and dust pans and sponges. THAT is my city. A large percentage of the looters were from outside the city. They admitted they came to steal. I would be humiliated and ashamed if my kids behaved that way. I would have loved to go help but my stupid anxiety won't let me be around crowds. Hoping the therapist they find for me can help me. I can't live like this forever. I feel mentally paralyzed.

Right now I'm tending to not want to do anything that could create conflict with anyone. My city was hit hard with looting and rioting, so I'd rather just stay quiet for now while everyone is tense.

I spoke with a care coordinator this morning. She is going to help set up a physician as well as a therapist. I figure if the therapist feels I need medication they can refer me to a psychologist/psychiatrist. I explained that I am afraid to leave home and I am definitely afraid to go to work, so hopefully something can be set up this week. Strong anxiety this morning. A maintenance man is coming to put a vent in my kitchen above my stove. I laid down plastic sheeting and have some booties for him to cover his shoes. And I certainly hope he is wearing a mask, otherwise I have one for him. Then I'll spend the rest of the afternoon disinfecting my floors and kitchen. Poor kitty will have to stay closed up in my bedroom until he's gone and I'm done disinfecting. Looting and riots were less than 2 miles from my home. For some reason that didn't spike my anxiety, probably because I can't "catch" looting or rioting while I could "catch" the virus.

Your yard is amazing! So much space!

I don't have TV service set up in my new apartment yet so I have been rewatching some of my DVDs. When I perused my DVD library I realized 95% of them are horror movies. I usually love scary movies but right now the real world is scaring me enough. I had to really search my collection to find something that wasn't a horror movie. Last night was James Bond. Once I feel comfortable doing so I will visit the nursery to find plants for my very small balcony. I can grow things here! I'm sure gardening will be a lot of fun for you! I love to garden too although I am not good at it.

&*#*^ rude neighbors! There's plenty of space for two cars to park in front of my building, but the neighbor in the building next door deliberately parked right in the middle so no other cars could park there. His car isn't so nice that he needs to be afraid of anyone hitting it! So rude and inconsiderate. This neighbor does this repeatedly. So selfish.

It's not nationwide. Yes, there are issues for sure. But in my part of the country we are all pretty much peacefully co-existing. Not everyone is wearing masks when walking outside, but we are all REQUIRED to wear masks inside any retail establishment or when picking up takeout food. There are a few ignorant people (like the guy who tried to get into the checkout line in front of me when I was keeping 6 feet of distance...he didn't know why I was standing back so far! Well, duh! But that was ignorance, not willful disregard IMO) and of course pockets of people who insist requiring masks violate their civil rights but it's not everyone despite what the news might show. Same with the protests. It's not everyone, just some areas. People are frustrated and frightened and angry. And sadly, our national leadership is not stepping up in a strong manner but many state leaders are stepping up in a good way. But, you don't have to visit until you are ready. The good people will still be here :)

Are you OK?

Thank you. This morning I woke up much less anxious. Almost a negligible amount. I know it's because I confided in my son. Knowing he knows and is supportive helps a great deal. I'm starting to think I can find a way. Still not happy about having to go back to work. That crowded, dirty and risky environment is not where I want to be right now. I'm obligated to stay with the company for 2 years or I have to pay back my bonus, which right now doesn't concern me much. But right now is also not a good time to be job hunting. It's on my radar for a few months from now. It's a pretty day outside. Maybe I'll contact my son and his spouse about a walk tomorrow.

I talked to my son. Not an easy conversation. But he understands and is encouraging me to work with a professional. Which I plan to do. I did tell.him not to worry but that I would like him to just message me every couple of days as I feel that would help. He agreed and also suggested getting together for some socially distant walks as we live close to one another now. I think that will help a lot too. Funny thing is, I had anxiety about having this conversation with him! I don't ever want to be a burden or a worry to my kids. Hoping for better days.

I would love to see my kids and they are willing, but my county still has an order forbidding gathering with anyone outside of your own household. My household consists of me and my cat. People are not exactly complying, but still. I'm not sure if it would be considered a "gathering" if it's just me, my child and their spouse. But I don't know. If I do see them it will be a non contact visit with masks and distancing. At least for now. We all were tested ("Covid Not Detected") but that was a couple of weeks ago. I haven't been back to work yet but still. Very difficult.

So a care coordinator is going to call me Monday. They are expecting to help me set up medical care since I moved out of state but I will ask for help or a referral to mental health services. I've never wanted my kids to know how bad I've been. This began about a year and half ago but with the pandemic it's gotten so bad I fear I won't be able to function. I can pretend pretty good (almost no one ever knows when I'm not feeling well) but it's time to admit I need help and get something started that will get me through my days. Thanks to all of you for your encouraging words. I don't always want to hear a positive spin but it's very much appreciated.

I've told people to please just let me have my little meltdown. Once I let it out I usually recover fairly quickly, but I need to just have that release. If someone tries to dismiss my feelings or contradict what I'm saying or worse, tells me to "relax" or "lighten up" that just makes me angry. And anger and anxiety are not a good combination. I always apologize after a meltdown because I don't want to put people through that. But I need for them to just let me get it off my chest. To be clear, I do not yell at people or speak angrily to them. I honestly just rant about how something has upset me. But I don't direct it at anyone close to me. I think I'll call my son tonight or ask him to call me.