boltnrun

I gotta drive a moving truck tomorrow. If I don't get enough sleep that is going to be dangerous. I did decide NOT to tow my car because I thought it would be a bad idea what with my anxiety and insomnia. Car can wait here.

Got any wipes? I did bring a bottle of Fantastik disinfecting spray and some paper towels and also the can of air cleaner (not sure if it's disinfecting so I'm assuming it's not) so I wiped some things down like the steering wheel, ignition, door handles and gear shift. He left the plastic in the car that was supposed to protect the seat and floor but it was all bunched up. Luckily bathroom-trash-don't-change-gloves guy didn't check me out. I RAN to the other guy and asked him to check me out. When I got home I opened the car windows, sprayed Fantastik again on the seats and floor (forgot the dash, darn it). My car is sitting until tomorrow morning so it should be aired out by then. Gas tank is on fumes, I forgot I had to drive it in the morning to pick up the rental truck. I guess I'll be getting up at 5:30 am instead of 6 am :( to go buy gas. I realized I will not have everything packed up by tomorrow morning. I am coming back Friday to get my car and I will pack whatever I can, then the rest is just going to have to be donated. I own a ridiculous amount of stuff. It's really stupid how much stuff I have. Ugh...then once I'm moved I have to go to work in a location that has had at least 3 cases and one death. Not sure that's going to lessen my anxiety!

I can see why this virus is spreading so easily. I am getting the oil changed in my car. One woman coughing, no mask. Worker changes the bathroom trash and doesn't change his gloves before handling paperwork or using the computer. Manager not wearing mask or gloves.Guy working on the cars getting into them with no mask or gloves. I am petrified.

His mask would protect others from him in the event he's a carrier. Since that's not a possibility he should be OK without one. Hopefully the others in the store will wear them OR will be diligent about social distancing. Will he wear gloves? He most likely will be fine.

I feel you. I only slept from about 1:15 am until about 5:30 am.

Insomnia. Sigh.

If it starts to become long term, can you consult your doctor?

So, it seems the anxiety spikes in the morning and stays high until late afternoon. I don't know if it's because of low blood sugar from not eating while sleeping or something else. I have always been a "night person". I am more productive and industrious in the evening. I got the moving helpers to confirm they will wear masks and gloves. The one in my new state said it's already their policy, but the one in my current state had to be asked. But they agreed. They will be loading the truck at 9 am so it's not like it will be excessively hot. I have extras if they don't bring their own! One of my kids is going to keep my cat for a couple of days. Such a relief! She can be there instead of closed up in the bathroom while the movers are working and I can disinfect without worrying about accidentally poisoning her. Two more days to pack up. I need to be at 85% before bed tonight. Then the last 15% tomorrow.

Had some Dinty Moore beef stew. It was good! So far today, had a glass of Ovaltine, a Pop Tart and a bowl of the stew. Going for seconds now. I realized something...the movers will be wearing gloves and masks and will only be handling my things, so I think I don't need to worry about their hands. Still need to disinfect the floor after they leave, but that's less than having to disinfect EVERYTHING. It makes me feel a bit better. Some perspective...I watch You Tube videos that a young man who lives in Queens, NYC posts. He was riding his bike down 5th Avenue and recorded several homeless people. I saw one of them digging through the trash, presumably looking for food. It's got to be real desperation and hunger that would motivate someone to dig through trash during a pandemic. That really gave me a slap in the face. Like, yeah, I am anxious and fearful and I think it's OK to feel that way but I am not even close to dealing with what that poor man is facing. I am actually a lot luckier than many others. That doesn't mean my anxiety and fear disappeared because it didn't, but it did give me a different viewpoint. I donated to World Central Kitchen and Three Square Food Bank and gave a homeless man in my city $5. It's not going to save the world but maybe I helped a few people. Once I receive funds that should hit my bank Tuesday I will donate again.

I have about 2 1/2 bottles of disinfecting cleaner and I was able to buy paper towels yesterday. I can use those. I also have a spray that I am unsure if it actually disinfects air (doubtful) but I did buy one small and one larger HEPA air purifiers. Hand soap was low at Walmart but I have enough to last about a week to 10 days. I will make one more trip out tomorrow to try to find wipes and spray and hand soap and then I will have to give up until after my move. I am trying to come up with a plan to disinfect my floors for my cat. I'll keep her in the bathroom until the movers leave, then I have to disinfect the linoleum in the kitchen and back door area, then I have to pull up the plastic sheeting from the carpet before I let her out. I would hate for her to get sick! But she also can't get any disinfectant on her paws because she licks them. I would imagine she faces a bigger threat from the disinfectant than from the small possibility the movers will track the virus in on their shoes. I have plastic for my furniture so I will just peel that off and then wipe down everything that was possibly exposed. I'll probably be up quite late trying to get everything disinfected! Sore throat, congestion and headache are back. Spring time in the desert!

One project for today...I have 9 suitcases full of clothes. Yes, 9. And I still have some laundry to do. I actually considered buying another large suitcase to hold more clothing. No one needs that much clothing. No one. My new home has a tiny little closet, so paring down must happen. I did one paring down before I started packing and came up with only one small bag of things to donate. Nope, not good enough. I need to get it down to about 4-5 suitcases at most. That doesn't even include my shoes and coats/jackets. I have acquired way too much clothing. This must stop!!!

I don't expect to not be anxious. My original question has to do with the nature of anxiety, whether others have gone back and forth quickly between feeling OK and being extremely anxious within a few minutes. Didn't get much extra sleep although when I did fall back to sleep for a bit I dreamed about going to the store and not finding wipes. This entire time I have not found one container of wipes. Not one. Couldn't even find them online. And now I'm dreaming about them. Sigh.

I'll have to hold off seeing a doctor until I get to my new state. I only have Monday and Tuesday here and I won't be able to fit in a doctor visit what with all the packing. One thing I plan to do is sleep in tomorrow. With training I had to start class at 7 am and I haven't been sleeping much so I was awake at about 4:30 am every day. And this morning I was up at 5 to go to Walmart. Now that training is done and I have all day to pack I am hoping to stay in bed until about 8:30 am. Problem is my cat gets into my face meowing loudly if I'm not up by 5:30 getting her breakfast, but I could feed her and then go back to bed. It sounds like such a luxury! I did eat some frozen pizza (I cooked it first). It didn't taste all that great but I got food in me. I might make some pudding tonight as I have developed quite a sweet tooth since I started having trouble with anxiety (last Fall). I make sugar-free pudding with lactose free milk. It's very yummy! I do wish I'd thought to pick up some non-dairy frozen dessert this morning but I won't make a special trip to the store just for that. I saw a woman a couple of weeks ago with her mask and all that at the store and she was just buying a six pack of beer! I guess she really wanted her beer! Anyway, sweets have been really the only thing that interests me food-wise, but fortunately I only do sugar-free or low sugar. And not frequently. I think once I'm settled in my new home near my kids and family I will feel much better. One of my soon to be coworkers was told to just wait at home until they have a spot for him in an existing location since ours isn't opening until mid-summer. I hope they tell me the same thing! And that it's not a place that requires me to travel!

Just to complicate things, I have a lot of dietary restrictions. No dairy, no nuts, no red meat, no chocolate. I find that most nutrition bars have at least one of those things in them. And even cereal bars have hidden nuts ground up into them. And I eat very seldom. Nothing appeals to me. Which is disappointing because I usually love food. But the way I feel right now, I will never patronize a restaurant again because I have way too much fear. Not logical at all but true. Sorry for the pity party. I wish I could be one of those people who is just going on with their lives like everything is normal. I envy those who are not afraid.

The only thing I did was start back up packing my things. I suppose that could be a trigger? But I don't get it, I want out of this place, I want the move done. Maybe because there is still so much to do. And I'm not feeling well again. The wind kicked back up and the clouds are moving in. My throat started hurting and my temp, which is usually around 97.7 degrees, is 98.3. Not a fever, but higher than my usual. Super ugh.

Well, when I wrote the above I was feeling OK. Now anxiety is back full force. Heart racing. I just don't get why I can be fine one minute and a basket case a few minutes later.

I need to cancel my satellite TV and internet services. Of course, the only way you can do that is to call. The links that allegedly allow you to cancel online "mysteriously" don't work and the chat directs you to a phone number. I've had to do this before and had to endure 20 minutes of them trying to talk me out of cancelling.

So, I already kind of knew that not eating can impact your mood. It's obvious to me. But I have lost 15 pounds in the past 6 -7 weeks, not due to trying but because I don't feel like eating when I'm upset or scared or anxious. So I don't eat, which means my blood sugar gets low AND the idea of eating makes me feel nauseous. So I continue to not eat and then feel depressed and anxious, which makes me continue to not want to eat! It's also due to circumstances, of course. This morning I HAD to go to Walmart, a place I avoid because of all the people who cram into the store not wearing masks and not social distancing. But it's the only place that I believed would have everything I need and would eliminate the need to go to multiple stores. So I went. It's over now. I got up early and got to the store about 7:15 AM. Store was already pretty full but not packed yet. About 50% of the shoppers were wearing masks. The couple behind me was an older couple, the man was wearing a Vietnam Veteran ball cap. He started to move forward to begin putting his items on the belt while I was still putting mine on and his wife reminded him to wait. Then he proceeded to pull down his mask and loudly blow his nose. I turned around with a fearful look on my face and his wife commented. I laughed and told him that's just the way things are right now! He explained he has allergies and I told him I do too. Anyway, got out of there, got home, wiped down the things I need immediately, showered, washed my hair and here I am. I hadn't eaten so I drank some instant breakfast. Still felt kind of down, so I made myself a grilled cheese sandwich. I feel better now, but then I usually do when I eat. It's just hard for me to get motivated to eat when nothing appeals. And I am still not comfortable getting takeout or delivery due to the hassle of getting the food out of the bag and either transferring it to a plate in my garage or wiping down the container. Not worth the trouble. Anyway, going to work on trying to eat and manage my depression and anxiety as well as gaining some of this weight back. I'm currently 119 lbs. and look like a stick. Not good. Going to do some more packing today. Four more days!

The location I am being sent to work in is rumored to have 7 cases total and 2 deaths. However, when the source is Facebook it's certainly not at all guaranteed to be accurate. I know of 3 cases in the building with 1 confirmed death, that of a manager who chose to travel out of the country during the pandemic and contracted it there and never went to the building after being infected. Sad that he died trying to visit his family, but not a great decision to travel. Ugh...

Thank you. My title doesn't make a lot of sense as a journal but that's not a big deal.

Sure, I have been posting a lot. Thank you.

Well, I have lost 15 pounds without trying due to my anxiety . And since I am packing for a move I am keeping active. I actually struggle with sitting still. Just really have a hard time relaxing which is normal for me. I live alone so only online or phone interactions for now. And once I move close to my kids I won't see them in person since I am an essential worker who will be around about 150 people inside a building when I work. But it will be comforting to be geographically closer.

I should have made this a journal... Before all this, my biggest problem was that my employees were lazy and I didn't feel supported at work and I was SO, SO stressed! I would be so happy to return to the time where that was my biggest problem.

I know it's due to my current situation being severely impacted by the Covid situation. Moving is already stressful, but moving during a pandemic? I keep telling myself that EVERYONE is under stress right now. It's not just me and I'm not special. My PCP knows I am leaving the state, but maybe he would be willing to prescribe me something so I don't feel like jumping out of my skin and like my BP is through the roof.

I have dealt with anxiety off and on for about 30 years (probably more, except I used to call it "stressing out"). Do those of you who experience anxiety find that it increases and decreases sometimes multiple times per day, even sometimes minute to minute? I am sitting in front of my computer attending a virtual training class, I felt OK, then out of nowhere I started feeling that familiar feeling where I can sense the anxiety creeping up. And sometimes it just slams me unexpectedly. Is this "normal" for anxiety sufferers?