Rosa

OK, well, you seem to like the guy, but you are just not ready to be in a relationship, SO.... if you think he is putting presure then tell him to back up, now....does it bother you enough to not talk to him for a few days? or for just a moment? this is different because you might be attracted to him, but like you say, you are having issues with trust, just remember, you can't start a relationship or even a friendship without trust, so if this is the case, I sugest you start looking from within and try to understand that not every guy is gonna be like your ex. OK this "nice guy" has his shady past, but, don't we all? don't judge him because of what he did before, judge him for what he's doing now, specially to win your heart. maybe he is telling you the truth and he did learn his lesson, blah, blah, blah.... so now he's trying to do things right, with someone new, you. So if the pressure bothers you enought to not wanna talk to him for a few days, then maybe you are REALLY not attracted to him, and just want someone to give you the attention you want right now, and HEY I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU ARE FEELING, BUT, you can't be selfish either.... Now , you say there is no chemistry? tha's a tough one....because with my nice guy, i do feel a little itsy bit of chemistry.....so that's why I like talking to him. but you.....you gotta think is it because of your ex, or because is just him (the nice guy). If it just him, then BE HIS FRIEND AND LET HIM KNOW THIS, because if you don't, then he'll just keep trying, and that's not fair.....got me? We both are not ready for a relationship of ANY KIND, and this would only be a rebound, me and you know this.....so, i hope that you can organize your thoughts a little more... I think you should ive this guy a little tiny break, enjoy the attention and the good intentions someone else wants to give you, live everyday to the fullest, and try really hard not to look back.... let me know what you think of what i'v said. take care

Hi girlfriend, I'm in the same boat, I just came out of a relationship 2 months ago and I'm still hung over. I met a "nice guy" who is really trying to get my attention, and we have also gone out on several dates, kissed a few times, but also knows exactly where I'm coming from....I talk to him everyday....and I also see myself hunting him when we go out, BUT i'm no where near ready for another relationship, I'm definitely not ove my ex, and although I'm trying to move on, it is really not fair for this "nice guy" to be the rebound, you know? so I've tried the same, not calling, and said no to a couple of invites, but he still there, and I kinda like it, BUT I don't wanna be with him....yet, It's not fair for him.....So my sugestion for you is the same thing that i'm doing, is enjoying his company, get to know him a little more, I know that you say Are you sure about this?? sometimes we get stuck on this one type of men...( the one that usually ends up hurting us bad) and can't seem to look deep into the other type, which is usually the "nice guy" type. And we push them away....you know what I mean? so give this Great friend to a chance to get to know you, and you get to know him alittle more, AS FRIENDS! nothing more, and then you won't regret it if you think you've let something really great pass you by.... You seem to be in the right track to recovery, by meeting a "nice guy" along the way, don't shut it down, and if he is a good friend like you say, he will definitely understand your feelings if you decide in the future that you really just don't like him than just as a friend. Good Luck Chicka!! 8)

OK, you got the right idea, Illusions are meant to trick you, in this case is the the heart, sometimes the heart can be discieving, I mean sometimes the heart tells you to do one thing, which is controlled by emotions, and the mind tells you to do another, (the one that's usually right by the way...) and so Illusions come in play here when emotions take control and lead to to believe scenarios that are not healthy in a relationship, and then these behaviors become habits, I mean we are creatures of habits, and then start to create illusions of how the realtionship should be and the more you try to fix it, the more it goes to the dumps. you know what i mean? what do you mean by this? I didn't think I was taking a way out of anything...please explain... OK, in your case you did the right thing and the best of all is that you both agreed, and those cases do exist, in life you go thru a few partners to get to the right one, that is what we are all trying to do....get to the right one... You said: "bagage is awful, u may not agree, but i think u are not giving urself or the other person a chance if u have issues w. ur x's" Bagage IS a problem, I would love to get rid of all of my bagage so I can start a new chapter in my life, and that's what I'm trying to do right now. So I do agree with you on this. DITTO I hope you understand my point a little more now,

Donefor79, I don't think you got the message right, I do believe in hopes and dreams, you are right life would be dull without then, what my message is trying to say is that illusions sometimes make you see and feel for someone something that in reality they aren't, and so we try to change them instead of accepting who they really are, and then when we loose them we are loosing the illusion of who we wanted them to be, instead of who they really are....(sounds kinda confusing right?) , and so we get disappointed and say "oh, we just didn't see eye to eye" or "we fight too much" (that's my own personal quote) and we loose sight of reality because we are so focused on this "impossible dream and imposible expectations" that we miss out on all the other good stuff that person has to offer, and in Mr Goodman's word..." life isn't hard, you just make it hard" know whatI mean? I hope that you get the right idea, I posted this message to help others understand that we are the descicion makers in our lives, not your partner, or your mom, dad, best friend, or your ex boyfriend!!!!!

Our losses include not only our separations and departures from those we love, but our conscious and unconscious losses of romantic dreams, impossible expectations, illusions of freedom and power, illusions of safety- and the loss fo our younger self, the self that thought it would always be unwrinkled and invulnerable and immortal. Why is is that we always tend to think of losses as negative and resulting in our having less? This perception probably relates to our trying to control our lives rather than participating in them, as well as our trying to make the living, moving process that is life's reality static. Take romantic dreams for example. Have we ever stop to realize how much trouble our romantic dreams get us into? When we insist on our romantic notions, we absolutely refuse to see people and life the way they are and try every means possible to make the situation the way we want it. We cling to who we want people to be, refusing to get to know them. What a loss! We may be grieving the wrong thing. When we grieve loss, what we may really need to grieve is the loss of knowing the real person, not our fantasy of them. Many people find that losing their romantic dreams and imposible expectaions is a relief. It's like a heavy backpack we have been lugging around has been put to rest. Maybe, just maybe, when we change our attitude toward losses, we will have more energy to live life. Are you clinging to some fond illusions that you are ready to leave behind? Take a look.....

Kittengirl, I don't think my ex would come back, although I thought that we were in love, he's super stubborn and his ego gets in the way of EVERYTHING, and i know he might be dying to call, he just won't. And tha's it...that sucks, but you held on strong to watch him come back and you said no, WOW! that was hard, but I'm glad that you knew where he was in your heart when he decided to come back. I hope that that is the case with me, although right now I hope and pray that he comes back.... ( kinda dumb... I know) but i'm just being honest. And what do you think about the bear...I mean the nice guy...lol, he's real down guy, but I can't look pass that chest...sounds kinda shallow I know but, is just that I try to but is now sexy at all for me....

great post! i'm feeling you right now.....its pretty much reality, and that's it!! This site has help me keep the NC rule because I've seen so many contact stories turn sour, so to all, just keep moving forward and live for today not yesterdays regrerts. Good luck

Lady00, that was one of the best advice I've been given here, and my fingers itch to call, but you are right, if I call he will go farther away, we have mutual friends, and I know I will see him someday, my self steem yes, its hurt, because i think the same, why her and not me? I decided to go out with the "nice guy" but I found myself thinking about my ex during our date, and although it wasn't tooo obvious he did notice that my mind was somewhere else, and he understands, he is suuuper nice, is like too good to be true, I mean has got everything goen for him, successfull, hard worker, family man, he's got culture, respectful, 27 yrs, (then again i just met him, so you know everything is great in the beginning) but like me we are in the same boat, he just left a 3yr relationship, arguing, make up, break up thing, and so he decided to call it quits, for him its been 4 months, for me two, but he was the dumper, and I was the dumpee, so the feelings are not the same, know what I mean? so he is out there looking, and he found me, and last night we were talking for a long time and he offered his frienship to talk about my issues, and that's all he wants, and I'm ok with that, I'm gonna be honest with you.....he's not bad looking, he has a very cute face, but he's a bear! lots, and lots of chest hair, and that is a major turn off for me, I mean I'm not shallow, but you know there are a few things that I like to be attracted to in a man, and that is one of them, so I don't know what to do about that....any sugestions??? write back

Charmed, I had a feeling you were gonna say that, I know that its probably too late, and you are right, I had no choice, I just wish I can change things, but I can't, I feel that he was my soulmate, it might sound gay, but we used to say it all the time, and it felt tru also, and I know I need to move on, but I feel angry that he already has someone new, and I'm still crying, but your advice keeps my feet on the ground so thanks! I appreaciate that. I just want to speak to him one more time... although I know will bring me back to day one, that is why I don't call.

we were arguing too much, but I know we really loved each other, we were very affectionate all the time, we just fought too much in the end, and I think he met someone else, I have no idea from where, maybe at work, but one day I was indifferent with him because I wanted him to come to a family wedding with me that I was a bridesmaid, and he didn't want to go, so i had the feeling that he wanted to stay here and party, so he did, and when I came back from the trip of the wedding, i was acting indifferent, and the next day he told me that he wasn't happy, that we fight too much, and that he wanted to be alone, and so I told him to give me a few days to find a place to live, and so he did, and I moved out 1 week later, we were still talking for a few weeks. we kept saying how much we loved each other, but he just kept mentioning that we just argue too much and that it wasn;t healthy, and I agreed...but i always wanted to work things out, but he didn't want to work it out anymore...and I think it took another girl to actually give him that little push to let me go, and now he is with someone new, and I know for sure. he's 30yrs old, i'm 25, he's got averything going for him, as he is a hard worker, lives confortably, and has a great heart, he is just immature at times, i think he is just used to getting what he wants specially from womem, (he's very good looking) and what else can I say a girl magnet, anyway, cool guy you know, I guess he can handle these things better than I. I really would like to get him back, but I don't know how....

I guess I worded my whole post wrong, what I meant to say is the my ex and I broke up 2 months ago, I love him to death, we were actually still talking until 2 weeks ago when I went to his house and found anotrher girls stuff in the house we used to share, (i moved out, lived with him for 1 yr) so in the mean time I met this "nice guy" who is interested in me, and treats me nice, but I keep thinking about my ex, and so that is why I dont want to kiss him, or even be affectinate with him if im not drinking, and I think I'm looking for ways to feel numb from reality, and I need to get out, and so I went to visit my best friend and passed by my ex's house, NOT THE NICE GUY'S house, and saw a girl's car in his drive way, and so it brought back all these feelings of why he is not with me, and wants to be with her and I haven't been able to cope with these emotions... I mean I know what I need to do, but I have this hope that he's gonna regret us, and want to go back, and basically I don't know how to let him go...I know...NC, stay busy, go out with friends, meet new people blah, blah, blah, but in the end, when I'm home alone I feel lonely and sad, and ugly, and unwanted, and nothing can make me feel better than just to cry my eyes out until I fall asleep. then I wake up, and it all starts all over again.

Me, well I had an awful weekend, went out with Mr. Nice guy, and had a good time, he really likes me, and i just discovered that I don't, and I don't want to use him to get over my ex, because is not fair for him, and ther is no chemistry, I thought that there was, but I was only affectionate with him when I was drinking, and that's not good. And yesterday i went to visit my best friend who happens to live in the same neighbohood as my ex, and of course I passed by the corner. and saw a black car, I asked my best friend and she said that she has seen that car there before, and it is definitely a girl's car, I couldn't help it and started to cry, i was great for about 2 weeks, feeling so confident, and yesterday I went back to square one. and I feel like [removed by moderator]. I feel ugly and unwanted, and began to ask myself why he wants to be with her and not with me, why is he so happy right now, and i'm not? why is it that he can move on so much better than me. and i'm dying to call him, and talk to him, and hear his voice, and ask if he misses me, and all these stupid things that I know I shouldn't say, but I can't help to think of them. and it sucks... I couldn't sleep last night, and live on checking my phone to see if he has called, but no.........and i can't work, and I cant do anything thatn just want to pick up that phone and say why did you wnt to end it like this, why....and it hurts......and I don't know what else to do with myself..... sorry to fill your day with more sad stories, I needed to vent. thanks

Numb by Bootyqueen Your dimented insults still ring in my ears You have stripped me clean of my dignity Taking the only strength I had left Now nothing remains but the tears falling My flesh feels hot, stinging from the tears Didn't you steal enough from me already? But you still lash me with your haughtiness My pleas for your mercy... To stop from destroying my delicate soul This feeling is so unfamiliar, Feeling so small and fragile The moon glistens upon my swollen flesh as I lay there, lashed and beaten Clearly I have been defeated, surely you have won I feel so naked, being this cold and lonely I look around hopefully, but no consoling features in sight I see those snarlng faces, once again whipping me with awful defeat But I cannot feel this horrible pain anymore I have become numb Numb... from this hate Clearly I have been defeated, surely you have won But I cannot feel the pain anymore... I have become Numb :scramble:

that's such an interesting view of life, and it is soooo true, I'm glad that I can share these feelings because I once was in the dumpster, and it wasn't pretty, I thought I would never get thru it. and I can truly say that its not even the time I've let pass made me feel better, its been the NC rule that has kept my feelings stronger everyday. I never thought that a site like this would teach me so much about life, emotions and specially people, and how we are not alone.... I strongly recomend to anyone this book called "Meditations for Living in balance" by Anne Wilson Schaef" one of the best I've had the chance to read. I hope everyone can enjoy it as much as I have!!!! God bless...

letting go, Holding on "If I can let you go as trees let go/...Loose what I loose tol keep what I can keep,/ The strong root still alive under the snow,/ Love will endure- if I can let you go." by May Sarton What beautiful words! what an important concept! We so often distort ourselves and throw ourselves completely out of balance by trying to hold on to something or someone that needs to go or is already gone - a job, a thing, a person, a life. Expecting that anything will last forever is one of the more dangerous things we do to ourselves. How much of our time and energy is spent in trying to hold on? We don't just try to hold on to people. We try to hold on to things. We need to to let ourselves remember that things wear out, break and get lost. That's just the way it is. Jobs wear out, break, and get lost. We can shift our perspective. we can be greatful for the experience and time we had and let go of the person or thing. Celebrate the pleasure. Celebrate the experience. Celebrate the sharing. And then accept the lost and let go. In the process, we may shift our perceptions and our expectations. See if there are persons, experiences, objects, jobs, or relationships you are holding on to that are finished. Are you ready to let go? I found this on the latest meditation book I'm reading and I thought it would be helpful for all of us. TAKE CARE EVERYONE!!!!

Hi, I have began to heal, after 2 months of turmoil, and 7 days of NC.... I know it sounds pretty recent, but I can honestly say that I have began to have closure, I have lost that last bit of hope that one day we we would re-unite, and those thoughts make my heart healthier and my soul at ease. I have learned to think about the situation as a memory and not as sorrow, I have began to train my mind to believe that people are good, but some maybe not good for each other, and these are only stepping stones for that "one special being". I have began to believe that I will love again, and I will be happy again. The reason for my fast road to recovery was because this was long coming, my heart was telling me all along but I wasn't listening, I was blind, deaf, dumb, stubborn, and all those bumps in this road that make the ride a lot more tough, but at the same time challenging. I'm beginnig to have better days, and friends are noticing the difference, and it feels good, I have recently stopped comparing every soul to him, and looked deeper within their own individual beings, and that feels good too.... and so I have began to open new doors... I have recently met a "nice guy" as oposed to my everlasting battle attraction to the "bad guys"... Bad guys...what can I say, the story of my life... , but I'm not 18 anymore and bad guys don't look so attractive anymore, I can only thank them for one thing though.... THEY TOUGHT ME HOW TO APPRECIATE THE GOOD GUYS NOW!! and that feels even better. so thank you to all those who have hurt me..... I'M JUST A BIT STRONGER NOW

Hi, well I just went through a similar situation with my ex, we lived together 1yr, dated for 2yrs, and he said the same, not happy, wanted space, I moved out, its been two months, 1 week after we called it quits I went to the house to pick up mail and stuff, and he was ther with a "friend", so I never saw her but obviously she was there, her told me, that was quick!! anyway, did NC for 2 weeks, and we talked again, slept with him again (stupid move) and he said after much talks, the same as your girl, "you never know what the future holds, we can be that couple that finds each other after some time to be together for ever" said that he loved me very much, blah, blah, blah and at times he has done some drunk calls, etc...From my experience of trying to change the present situation, it made it worse, right now she knows that you are there, and so she is confortable with that feeling, and so, the longer she's gonna take to realize that she lost a good guy, regardless of what happened with you, I mean, let me ask you honestly.....how could you not know that your realtionship was right on track? and on top of that, you hooked up with this girl!, and if you had doubts of where you stand with you girl, why didn't you ask her exactly what you wanted to know before assuming that you guys were not officially a couple? Maybe if you fill me in a little more then I can put the pieces together, So now, from what I've gone through all I can tell you is the same, DO NOT CALL HER!!! let her vent, and miss you, it is 5 years, and not 5 months, she does care for you very much, but now she just found the perfect reason to need even more space away from you. You made it a little easier, I'm telling you as a girl, because it happened to me. So give her time...she'll come around, don't try to get back with her, that will just push her away more, and could probably ruin what the future can be. good luck!

our fight were about defferences of opinion, we could not agree, we are both stubborn, specially him, he wants to be right all the time, and I don't mind being wrong, but like I tell him, everything is not black and white, ther is color in life.....we argue and just let it burn for a while, then we forget it, but we don't resolve our issues, adn so all these things kept building up, and I think he burst before me, and decided to let it go.... I think he is talking about a looong break, he mentioned something about being with other people and in the future "you never know, maybe we'll be that little old couple that has found each other after all this..." (that hurt) For me that meant a lot of things, i think he was trying to be "nice" on the let-go conversation... i know everyone says to keep busy, talk and do things with friends, etc....but after I've done all that, in the middle of the night, i still wake up, and miss him, i go out with friends, but the ride home, and the waking up is still hard...breakfast is not the same....I think I've lost him, I actually saw his mother in a wine taste I went to last night, and she was like, "you need to let it go, sometimes real love is learning how to let go, and live with the fact that you loved...He's not ready, and I don't think he'll never be..." you see his father cheated on his mom with a youger woman, who he eventually married and has a new family with, left her with 25 years of memories, and kids...so she doesn't believe in love, she says "nothing last for ever, there is no such thing as ever lasting love..." i was like...OUCH! but she knows him very well, I mean he left his 6yr girlfriend 2 years ago to be with me, I never gave him an ultimatum to leave her, he fell out of love for her way before I got there, is just the confort zone he was so used to, at least that's what he told me, anyway, I think he feels that he's been in relationships too long, and needs a break from it all, i'm realistic about the situation, I know he needs to TRY to be alone, i just doubt that it will be for a long time, he's a girl magnet!

Well, we broke up 1 month ago, 2yr relationship, lived together 1 yr. fighting too much, but also loved each other too much, maybe that's why we fought so much, I know we loved each other, during the good times we said it and showed it A LOT!!! I moved out to his request, due to arguing, I was devastated, and he knew it.... Had major ups and downs, did the NC for about 2 weeks, we started talking again 1 week ago, slept together 5 days ago, brought back lots of feelings, emotions, memories...... He called late 3 days ago to tell me he missed me and loved me, I said the same... I called him this morning and asked to see him, and he studered, so I asked if he wanted just to forget about me, and sadly he said, it was very hard to forget me, but at the moment he did want to try to forget me....... also, when we talked this morning he sounded so happy to hear from me.....and I felt the same....... I want him back so much.......I love this guy to death, I see myself with him forever, I cannot think if its not about him, I really miss him in my life, I don't know what move to try next to get him back, This guy is 30yrs old, we talked about kids, marriage, future plans, THE WORKS! and now is all gone, and I want it back, I know he asked for a break but what does a break realLy mean? I'm afraid he's gonna meet another girl, and i'll loose him for ever, he's good looking, great job, nice car, great friend to have, awesome lover, funny, smart, beautiful house, I mean the perfect bachelor!! I mean is not all good either, the guy has his issues, but so do I, I mean who doesn't?!!! I'm in the same position as him, we made a perfect couple, averyone always commented on us, even strangers!!, his buddies would always say I was the female version of him..... I got along with all his friends and family.....it was perfect at times....we just argued way too much in the end......and he asked for a break WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN???!!!!!!!!!