Tinydance

But so what? Why do you care if she got promoted? It's not illegal to promote someone. How does it affect you and your life? You need to calm down and mind your own life.

I also didn't exactly see anything in the post actually suggesting she was in the country illegally? OP wrote that she had a variety of different jobs. I don't really understand why it's suspicious that she got a promotion after four months. If for example the manager was leaving and they needed someone to fill the role, they gave it to her. Or they were very happy with her work. OP seems to find everything about this housemate suspicious but those things aren't suspicious in and of themselves. Employers usually ask for proof of citizenship or residency so unless she's using fake documents, I'm sure they checked everything before employing her. I don't really see what her dating a white guy has to do with any of this.

How old are you? Are you her first partner? Unfortunately I tend to agree with you that her being unsure if she wants to marry you may mean she's not in love with you anymore. It would make sense if she could give you some actual reasons why she's not sure. E.g. You don't want to have the same kind of wedding celebrations that she wants. Or that she doesn't want to spend money on it but wants to go on a holiday instead or something like that. The fact she keeps saying she just doesn't know probably means she has some kind of gut feeling about it. Like a gut feeling that she doesn't want to be with you anymore. It's just a theory. My other theory is that maybe she's having a midlife crisis or something like that. If you were her only partner then maybe she's thinking she never experienced anyone else. Being with the other man in the threesome maybe opened a "Pandora's box." Like, planted the thoughts in her mind that other men are out there. I think don't marry her if she's not sure. As much as it's painful but if she doesn't want to be with you then you are better off to let her go. Let her think about things more but don't push the marriage idea right now.

OK so to me this would all depend on the overall situation. When he exchanged numbers with this student, was he giving his personal number? Or does he get given a work phone or he has a work office with a phone? When I first went to university, that was in 2003 and people were still using landline phones. It was considered normal for a lecturer/professor/tutor to say to students that they can contact them for any help or make appointments to discuss anything. Of course the discussion had to be university related or somehow relevant: "E.g. I'm being bullied by other students." I'm also not sure if a work phone isn't provided that there may be a need to give your personal number. Nowadays some people work from home so for example if he's not in an office at work and wasn't given a work phone, maybe he needs to speak to students or colleagues on his private phone. I would get suspicious if he has an office phone or work cell phone but he was giving out his personal number. But if he's required by work to give his personal number out then it's not suspicious. I'm not actually sure what proof you have that he was talking to and walking with a student. Sometimes at university I was speaking to a teacher after class but they had to teach another class so we would walk out together or something like that because we were still speaking. I'm not saying he's not cheating but I just don't see a large amount in your post specifically that indicates this in an of itself.

Seriously? Lol

You are not going to necessarily get a response in one second. Patience is a virtue lol

I feel like I didn't 100% understand everything you wrote about the things your roommate was doing and I'm not familiar with some of the organisations you were mentioning. I'm not sure what country you live in and whether it's a multicultural country. I live in Australia and it's extremely multicultural, especially in the big cities like the one I live in. Here it's very normal for any people to date people of other races or cultures, as long as their culture permits it. There are black dating white, Asian dating white, black and Asian dating, any combination. It's considered very normal here. If someone came from another country and began dating an Australian, it's not necessarily because they just want a visa or permanent residence. We have a very mixed country and they could have met this person through work, friends, university. They have zero obligations to only date people from their own country or their background. No offence but it's really none of your concern what race your housemate is dating. And even if it's a transactional relationship for a visa, let them worry about it as it has nothing to do with you. People agree to be in a transactional relationship and that's their choice. Do you dislike your housemate? If you don't then why do you wish her ill and to snitch on her? Genuine question.

I actually did go on some double dates when I just met a guy but it was in the distant past and pre any apps or social media. I'm 39 and when I first started dating I was 17. I had no dating experience and was very anxious. So because I was so nervous, I would sometimes suggest to a guy to bring a friend and I would bring my best friend at the time for moral support. We actually became friends with the friend of a guy I was briefly seeing and he said another friend of his wanted to meet someone. So we went on a double date/hang out with my best friend and those guys. I did end up seeing the friend for a few months. The thing is, this was all pre any apps or any social media. So I think to me it was also like when people said to me: "Do you want to go on a blind date with my friend?", I had no idea who the person was or what they looked like at all. So naturally I was nervous coz it really was a stranger. Now you can look up their social media, video call first, send each other your photo, etc. So I don't really see the need to go on a "double date" as such. Unless let's say OP and Ben are already dating and Ben's friend has a girlfriend. And they all say: "Let's go out all together guys". When I've only just met someone, if they ask me to come out with them and their friends, it seems like they can't be bothered so they just ask me to join them because they're already going out. I could be wrong but that's the way it comes across to me.

Yes agree with all that completely.

To be honest, I wouldn't really want to go on a "double date" either. If I've met someone three times, I want to get to know them more. We aren't a couple so it's too early to meet his friends and also saying I need to bring a girl friend as well to me would sound like the friend wants a hook up or something and it's easier for him to get with my friend than spend time swiping on Tinder. I wasn't sure if I read the post correctly but I thought it said the friend was visiting from out of town? So if he doesn't live there maybe he just wanted to hook up for the night? If Ben has time to hang out with friends but leaves her on read and doesn't have time to take her on a date, to me that's a sign that he's not that interested. However where I think she's acting silly is she's deliberately doing that too and leaving him on read. And lecturing him that he's not replying but there is just no point doing that. This is someone she met only three times so why keep telling him off? If he's not responding and only treating her as Plan B then she can just say she's not interested in pursuing this and end communication. You can't make someone be into you so doing all these things wouldn't change anything. Seems like a waste of time to keep hounding a person and it's someone she hardly knows.

You said he's 36, are you the same age? If you're both in your mid 30's, you're supposed to be mature adults so I don't think there's any point to play games. You're ignoring his messages, leaving him on read to try to get some kind of reaction from him, why? You actually don't really know him because you only met him three times. You didn't say if you kissed or anything like that but if you hadn't then really it was more like just catching up to see if you like each other. When you're going on dates with someone from an app, it's not like you are dating per se but you're just getting to know a complete stranger. I agree that he shouldn't be just bread crumbing you if he's not interested and just needs to say that he's not interested so you can move on. But you said you're feeling hurt because you got him a gift and that was your choice to get him a gift. You basically got a stranger a gift who is not your boyfriend so unfortunately that disappointment is because you got more attached to this guy than you probably should have. I wouldn't say his behaviour is hot and cold. I'd say it's more cold. If he was interested he would want to go on a date with you and not just take you along to hang out with his friend and tell you to bring a girl friend for his friend. And he wouldn't only reply to you at 10:00 p.m. at night and take hours and days to reply. If he's not interested then you leaving him on read or posting fun Instagram stories isn't actually going to change that. I don't think there's any need to play games but just say to him that you're sensing he's not interested so you wish him well and goodbye.

To be honest, you said that you were "best friends" for about a year or so, right? I think true friendship takes long to build and being friends with someone for a year is actually still a getting to know them stage. Most people seem nice at first because you don't know everything about them yet and haven't been around them in different situations. I think maybe you were a bit quick to label this guy as your best friend because you hadn't really known him that long. Take your time getting to know people rather than straight away developing this idea that's you're these big BFF's. When in reality you hadn't known each other that long. To me this doesn't seem like losing your best friend but rather you jumped in too fast into thinking you were besties and you didn't really know the real him. Now that you know him, you don't necessarily like him that much. And also sometimes you might not like someone that much even if they're a nice person but you just don't click or have really different values and beliefs. E.g. If someone is vegan and animal activist and their friend goes hunting. Their attitudes and beliefs just don't match. To me it seems that this is the case with you and your guy friend.

Well I don't think playing the game is the problem. Many people play online games but they don't have affairs. You're saying that you moved past it but it doesn't really seem like you have because you don't trust him. If you can trust him again then you would actually need to trust that he won't do anything again. Like, he'll go to work and there will be female colleagues there, he'll go to a party where there are women, get served by a female waitress, etc. There are women everywhere and any man can cheat any time but they don't because they choose not to. If you think he'll cheat again by playing the game then I don't think you were actually able to move past it. The game itself isn't a problem if he's playing alone or with male friends or something. You could make him delete the game but the game itself isn't the issue. You can't really control everything he does like always check his phone, laptop, social media, etc. You'll need to trust he won't do it again and if you can't then it doesn't seem that you actually can get past it.

100% this.

Well all these sound absolutely awful. I don't think I've ever dated someone with a felony but I don't think I could forgive ones like domestic violence or shooting a person. I mean these are clear indicators this is a violent person towards others. If someone was a "changed man", they would have done it only once. He's done this many times. And his reaction to you finding out is another example of his aggression.

To me it seems like maybe some of the comments aren't completely malicious but more so immature. That's not to say that he doesn't need to be made aware that he's acting immature. He also doesn't seem to have a concept that other people's life is their life and they shouldn't just keep commenting on what that person is doing because it's just not their place. Unless you said you were trying to get back together with your ex, why was he telling you to have some kind if make over to get your ex's attention? Almost seems like he's watched too many teenage movies where the girl starts doing make overs, glow ups, whatever, and all of a sudden she's gorgeous and the ex realises what he's missing. And also how some movies portray that the woman goes to great lengths to pursue the ex. Like Elle Woods in Legally Blonde going to law school to impress her ex. It's like, why? First of all if your ex didn't like you the way you are, it's not meant to be. Why should you change yourself? And secondly, he's an ex for a reason so maybe he's better to stay an ex.

Well I actually don't think that if there's awkwardness or silence that it means that people aren't making an effort or are lazy or don't care. Dating is about spark and connection. You either have it or you don't. Some people get along so well and can talk about anything and everything and it's very easy. It just flows naturally and effortlessly. You keep asking for suggestions how to "make it better" with this girl. The simple answer is - you can't. If your interactions just drop down to an hour of awkward silence, even though you're trying, you guys just don't gel. She's either a very quiet and socially awkward girl, you guys just don't click, or both. Or yeah maybe she's "not that into you" or she's traditional too and always only wants the man to chase her. In all of those cases it doesn't sound like you are connecting and have chemistry. If you did you wouldn't feel like it's all so much work and like extracting blood from a stone. There is no obligation to date someone if you're not vibing. Don't stress so much about it and just accept that not everyone is meant to be together. Everyone gets rejected sometimes soif you want to end it she'll need to accept it and move on.

Yes agreed.

Yeah to me he sounds like a very opinionated person who has no filter. Some people just love to give their opinions constantly. I actually have a post about a friend who does this too and she kept doing it so we weren't friends for six months. We did reconnect but I only hang out with her in a group and not one-on-one. It's not his business what you're posting on your social media. As long as it doesn't breach any rules or offend anyone, you can post anything you want. Some people post photos of their morning coffee or pot plants. Maybe it's boring but it's their choice.

I just skimmed all the replies so sorry if I say something that has already been said. I don't agree with the notion that by repeatedly telling you to join the gym and lose weight that he was just trying to look out for you. First of all, if someone is trying to encourage and motivate you, it needs to be something they know you yourself want to do. Continuously pushing someone to do something that THEY think you need or want is first of all ignoring who you are and what YOU want. A true friend doesn't just ignore what you say to them and keep tooting their own horn. Secondly, if you guys are supposed to only be friends then why is he so obsessed with your body and how you look? Friendship isn't actually about looks so why does he care how you look? I could be friends with someone obese or super thin or whatever body shape because I'm not dating them and it's not about physical attraction. And to be honest if you start dating someone and you don't like their body - don't date them. People can't start dating someone overweight for example and keep forcing them to lose weight. If they prefer thinner people by all means they can date thin people..But they have no right to control someone else's life and how they look, their body, etc. I think the fact that you guys were meant to be only friends shows he's even more shallow because it shouldn't matter if you're not dating. If someone cares about their friend's body size that's next level shallow. Thirdly if he supposedly was motivating and encouraging you, why did he put you down when you posted the gym tag on your social media? Even just joining the gym is still an achievement and it's not "nothing". Especially if you have body dysmorphia it is definitely an achievement because you are putting yourself in an environment where people are in their workout gear in front of everyone else and things like that. (Hope I didn't scare you by saying that lol). If someone is your good friend, shouldn't they say: "Well done that you joined the gym!" Rather than saying it's nothing and you didn't achieve anything. The other thing is people shouldn't be commenting about other people's body just full stop. Unless someone is quite obese and struggles to walk or had diseases like high blood pressure and heart problems, why comment on their body? If there isn't a health concern then why does someone need to become thinner? Also you did give him chances because you asked many times that he stop commenting on your body but he didn't stop. Which was also not respecting what you asked. The only thing I could think of as to why he wasn't acting maliciously is because he's very focusing on how HE is. Like, if he goes to the gym and loves it, he's telling other people to do it coz he's really into it. And maybe he thinks he's being nice coz HE thinks gym is awesome and he wants you to participate in it. Or he might be one of those blunt opinionated people who don't have a filter. Something pops into his head and he just always says it. There are people who are very opinionated and think their opinions are right. Personally I hate people like that. There are people who will tell you: "You would look better with X haircut", "You should get this job", etc. This is because they think so and they think they're helping you by telling you to do something "they" think it's good.

To me everything would depend on the actual situation. I'm guessing you asked this in relation to your own relationship? Do you mind me asking what this is in regards to? What situation (s) prompted you to ask this? In terms of knowing your partner's schedule. Again I think it's too broad of a question. Some people don't work exactly the same roster. There are many people who have a job where the roster changes a lot - e.g. hospitality, nurse or doctor. So in some cases it's actually not possible to know your partner's roster unless they tell you about every single shift start and end. Also it really depends if there's a need for you to know your partner's schedule or not. If you share a car then you need to know what time you'd need to drop them off to work or they need to drop you off. But if you each have a car or make your own way to work then you both just go as you need so you're not relying to each other for anything. If you have kids you need to coordinate your schedules around the kids but if you don't maybe it's not as necessary. If I knew my partner had to get up for work and they overslept then yes I'd wake them up. But it's not my job to do it all the time. So if they overslept all the time then I'd say they have to take responsibility and fix this. I think whether work is more priority than family while you're at work also depends on the situation. If your partner just calls you to chat then you wouldn't answer if you're at work. But if your partner messages you there has been an accident then you'll answer and probably will leave work as well. Really it always depends on the circumstances so very hard to answer your questions because they're just too general.

How old are you guys? You sound like you're young? I'm sorry but to me it kind of sounds like he is losing interest but he's not really sure how to say it. Maybe he did really want to see how it went and wasn't just using you for sex. To be honest the buying presents may have been because he just likes giving gifts and he had the money because he's working so much lol It doesn't sound like he's super mature or knows how to be in a relationship. You asked me what's going on with you guys and he was just like: "Hi 😊" which doesn't make sense because you wanted to discuss how you feel. Just sounds like he's probably isn't taking any of this that seriously. I'm sorry 😞

I'm not really sure how someone can be harmed simply by being friends with a prostitute unless they're actually there when the prostitute does the work. Or they get introduced to the prostitute's clients and the clients are dangerous or violent in some way. One of my friends was a prostitute and I had no idea who any of the clients was and they had no idea who I was. I actually think it's a fear that comes from internal prejudice towards prostitutes that you're in some kind of danger if you're friends with a prostitute. Personally to me it's not something that affected me in any way so I didn't care that my friend was a prostitute. I met her before I knew she was one and we got along really well. When she told me about it I didn't see her as all of a sudden becoming a different person. She wasn't someone that I didn't like anymore just based on that she's a prostitute. However obviously not everyone will feel like me and some people don't accept it. In this case your friend doesn't accept it so I don't think there really is that much you can do about it. At the same time I don't think you need to keep explaining to her or apologise that you're a prostitute because this is your life and it's not affecting her. She doesn't have to accept it but you also don't need her approval or permission if you're enjoying what you're doing. I really think though that having unprotected sex is a terrible idea. Some STD's are not curable and unless you're on the pill you could get pregnant.

Well I probably do find this off putting as well but on the other hand it is about goals and values, as you said. Some goals or values aren't in themselves good or bad, but can be different to different people. For example, have you got a sense of what he actually has been spending money on? Has he travelled or does he go out a lot? Does he pay rent and contribute to bills with his mother and his ex's parents? It's obviously important to you to live out of home and save money but it might be not as important to some people. Some people travel a lot, do backpacking, things like that first. Some people also like to just spend money on life experiences. For example, go out for nice meals, go to the theatre, go on a cruise, gym membership, etc. There are people who like to be frugal and work towards a big financial goal. E.g. Buying a car or a house. But there are also people who live in the moment and spend money on things they value in the here and now. Personally yes I would prefer my partner to live out of home but I probably wouldn't care as much if they didn't have a lot of savings. I would only care if they were blowing all their money away on some kind of addiction - e.g., drugs, gambling, strippers. But otherwise I don't think it bothers me that much. I agree with you though that values need to match. For example, if you have savings, own property and things like that, it's fine if you're looking for someone equal to you. Something I would think about I guess is do you have many options of other guys? And what are you looking for from a relationship? I know it's really hard to find a partner in this day and age and many of my friends are struggling with it. Everyone has flaws so I guess you just need to think about what you're willing to overlook and what is a definite deal breaker for you. E.g. Have you asked your boyfriend if he's going to move out soon? For example if he moved out, can you give him a chance? I'm not saying you have to give him a chance but I'm just saying these are all things to think about.

Well would you say your relationship was actually working well to begin with? I got the impression that you weren't dating that long before she got pregnant. And that you were trying to make it work for your son. If that was mainly the reason then you don't actually need to be together to co-parent. It's bad that she was talking to her ex love interest but there is that saying: "Two wrongs don't make it right". If you want to set boundaries you can definitely do that. But to be honest it doesn't really make sense to tell her she shouldn't be flirting with other people but then you're doing it yourself. If you want to set a boundary then you both have to follow that boundary. How long have you been living together since you broke up? Personally I wouldn't give it too much more time without actually getting back together. You could live with friends or housemates or something. If she doesn't want to get back together then it's just too confusing for you to keep living there. You're saying it's for financial reasons but I'm getting the sense you're mostly staying there to try to get back together. If she won't get back together then there doesn't seem to be any point to actually keep living together.