Tinydance

Yes agree with all that completely.

To be honest, I wouldn't really want to go on a "double date" either. If I've met someone three times, I want to get to know them more. We aren't a couple so it's too early to meet his friends and also saying I need to bring a girl friend as well to me would sound like the friend wants a hook up or something and it's easier for him to get with my friend than spend time swiping on Tinder. I wasn't sure if I read the post correctly but I thought it said the friend was visiting from out of town? So if he doesn't live there maybe he just wanted to hook up for the night? If Ben has time to hang out with friends but leaves her on read and doesn't have time to take her on a date, to me that's a sign that he's not that interested. However where I think she's acting silly is she's deliberately doing that too and leaving him on read. And lecturing him that he's not replying but there is just no point doing that. This is someone she met only three times so why keep telling him off? If he's not responding and only treating her as Plan B then she can just say she's not interested in pursuing this and end communication. You can't make someone be into you so doing all these things wouldn't change anything. Seems like a waste of time to keep hounding a person and it's someone she hardly knows.

You said he's 36, are you the same age? If you're both in your mid 30's, you're supposed to be mature adults so I don't think there's any point to play games. You're ignoring his messages, leaving him on read to try to get some kind of reaction from him, why? You actually don't really know him because you only met him three times. You didn't say if you kissed or anything like that but if you hadn't then really it was more like just catching up to see if you like each other. When you're going on dates with someone from an app, it's not like you are dating per se but you're just getting to know a complete stranger. I agree that he shouldn't be just bread crumbing you if he's not interested and just needs to say that he's not interested so you can move on. But you said you're feeling hurt because you got him a gift and that was your choice to get him a gift. You basically got a stranger a gift who is not your boyfriend so unfortunately that disappointment is because you got more attached to this guy than you probably should have. I wouldn't say his behaviour is hot and cold. I'd say it's more cold. If he was interested he would want to go on a date with you and not just take you along to hang out with his friend and tell you to bring a girl friend for his friend. And he wouldn't only reply to you at 10:00 p.m. at night and take hours and days to reply. If he's not interested then you leaving him on read or posting fun Instagram stories isn't actually going to change that. I don't think there's any need to play games but just say to him that you're sensing he's not interested so you wish him well and goodbye.

To be honest, you said that you were "best friends" for about a year or so, right? I think true friendship takes long to build and being friends with someone for a year is actually still a getting to know them stage. Most people seem nice at first because you don't know everything about them yet and haven't been around them in different situations. I think maybe you were a bit quick to label this guy as your best friend because you hadn't really known him that long. Take your time getting to know people rather than straight away developing this idea that's you're these big BFF's. When in reality you hadn't known each other that long. To me this doesn't seem like losing your best friend but rather you jumped in too fast into thinking you were besties and you didn't really know the real him. Now that you know him, you don't necessarily like him that much. And also sometimes you might not like someone that much even if they're a nice person but you just don't click or have really different values and beliefs. E.g. If someone is vegan and animal activist and their friend goes hunting. Their attitudes and beliefs just don't match. To me it seems that this is the case with you and your guy friend.

Well I don't think playing the game is the problem. Many people play online games but they don't have affairs. You're saying that you moved past it but it doesn't really seem like you have because you don't trust him. If you can trust him again then you would actually need to trust that he won't do anything again. Like, he'll go to work and there will be female colleagues there, he'll go to a party where there are women, get served by a female waitress, etc. There are women everywhere and any man can cheat any time but they don't because they choose not to. If you think he'll cheat again by playing the game then I don't think you were actually able to move past it. The game itself isn't a problem if he's playing alone or with male friends or something. You could make him delete the game but the game itself isn't the issue. You can't really control everything he does like always check his phone, laptop, social media, etc. You'll need to trust he won't do it again and if you can't then it doesn't seem that you actually can get past it.

100% this.

Well all these sound absolutely awful. I don't think I've ever dated someone with a felony but I don't think I could forgive ones like domestic violence or shooting a person. I mean these are clear indicators this is a violent person towards others. If someone was a "changed man", they would have done it only once. He's done this many times. And his reaction to you finding out is another example of his aggression.

To me it seems like maybe some of the comments aren't completely malicious but more so immature. That's not to say that he doesn't need to be made aware that he's acting immature. He also doesn't seem to have a concept that other people's life is their life and they shouldn't just keep commenting on what that person is doing because it's just not their place. Unless you said you were trying to get back together with your ex, why was he telling you to have some kind if make over to get your ex's attention? Almost seems like he's watched too many teenage movies where the girl starts doing make overs, glow ups, whatever, and all of a sudden she's gorgeous and the ex realises what he's missing. And also how some movies portray that the woman goes to great lengths to pursue the ex. Like Elle Woods in Legally Blonde going to law school to impress her ex. It's like, why? First of all if your ex didn't like you the way you are, it's not meant to be. Why should you change yourself? And secondly, he's an ex for a reason so maybe he's better to stay an ex.

Well I actually don't think that if there's awkwardness or silence that it means that people aren't making an effort or are lazy or don't care. Dating is about spark and connection. You either have it or you don't. Some people get along so well and can talk about anything and everything and it's very easy. It just flows naturally and effortlessly. You keep asking for suggestions how to "make it better" with this girl. The simple answer is - you can't. If your interactions just drop down to an hour of awkward silence, even though you're trying, you guys just don't gel. She's either a very quiet and socially awkward girl, you guys just don't click, or both. Or yeah maybe she's "not that into you" or she's traditional too and always only wants the man to chase her. In all of those cases it doesn't sound like you are connecting and have chemistry. If you did you wouldn't feel like it's all so much work and like extracting blood from a stone. There is no obligation to date someone if you're not vibing. Don't stress so much about it and just accept that not everyone is meant to be together. Everyone gets rejected sometimes soif you want to end it she'll need to accept it and move on.

Yes agreed.

Yeah to me he sounds like a very opinionated person who has no filter. Some people just love to give their opinions constantly. I actually have a post about a friend who does this too and she kept doing it so we weren't friends for six months. We did reconnect but I only hang out with her in a group and not one-on-one. It's not his business what you're posting on your social media. As long as it doesn't breach any rules or offend anyone, you can post anything you want. Some people post photos of their morning coffee or pot plants. Maybe it's boring but it's their choice.

I just skimmed all the replies so sorry if I say something that has already been said. I don't agree with the notion that by repeatedly telling you to join the gym and lose weight that he was just trying to look out for you. First of all, if someone is trying to encourage and motivate you, it needs to be something they know you yourself want to do. Continuously pushing someone to do something that THEY think you need or want is first of all ignoring who you are and what YOU want. A true friend doesn't just ignore what you say to them and keep tooting their own horn. Secondly, if you guys are supposed to only be friends then why is he so obsessed with your body and how you look? Friendship isn't actually about looks so why does he care how you look? I could be friends with someone obese or super thin or whatever body shape because I'm not dating them and it's not about physical attraction. And to be honest if you start dating someone and you don't like their body - don't date them. People can't start dating someone overweight for example and keep forcing them to lose weight. If they prefer thinner people by all means they can date thin people..But they have no right to control someone else's life and how they look, their body, etc. I think the fact that you guys were meant to be only friends shows he's even more shallow because it shouldn't matter if you're not dating. If someone cares about their friend's body size that's next level shallow. Thirdly if he supposedly was motivating and encouraging you, why did he put you down when you posted the gym tag on your social media? Even just joining the gym is still an achievement and it's not "nothing". Especially if you have body dysmorphia it is definitely an achievement because you are putting yourself in an environment where people are in their workout gear in front of everyone else and things like that. (Hope I didn't scare you by saying that lol). If someone is your good friend, shouldn't they say: "Well done that you joined the gym!" Rather than saying it's nothing and you didn't achieve anything. The other thing is people shouldn't be commenting about other people's body just full stop. Unless someone is quite obese and struggles to walk or had diseases like high blood pressure and heart problems, why comment on their body? If there isn't a health concern then why does someone need to become thinner? Also you did give him chances because you asked many times that he stop commenting on your body but he didn't stop. Which was also not respecting what you asked. The only thing I could think of as to why he wasn't acting maliciously is because he's very focusing on how HE is. Like, if he goes to the gym and loves it, he's telling other people to do it coz he's really into it. And maybe he thinks he's being nice coz HE thinks gym is awesome and he wants you to participate in it. Or he might be one of those blunt opinionated people who don't have a filter. Something pops into his head and he just always says it. There are people who are very opinionated and think their opinions are right. Personally I hate people like that. There are people who will tell you: "You would look better with X haircut", "You should get this job", etc. This is because they think so and they think they're helping you by telling you to do something "they" think it's good.

To me everything would depend on the actual situation. I'm guessing you asked this in relation to your own relationship? Do you mind me asking what this is in regards to? What situation (s) prompted you to ask this? In terms of knowing your partner's schedule. Again I think it's too broad of a question. Some people don't work exactly the same roster. There are many people who have a job where the roster changes a lot - e.g. hospitality, nurse or doctor. So in some cases it's actually not possible to know your partner's roster unless they tell you about every single shift start and end. Also it really depends if there's a need for you to know your partner's schedule or not. If you share a car then you need to know what time you'd need to drop them off to work or they need to drop you off. But if you each have a car or make your own way to work then you both just go as you need so you're not relying to each other for anything. If you have kids you need to coordinate your schedules around the kids but if you don't maybe it's not as necessary. If I knew my partner had to get up for work and they overslept then yes I'd wake them up. But it's not my job to do it all the time. So if they overslept all the time then I'd say they have to take responsibility and fix this. I think whether work is more priority than family while you're at work also depends on the situation. If your partner just calls you to chat then you wouldn't answer if you're at work. But if your partner messages you there has been an accident then you'll answer and probably will leave work as well. Really it always depends on the circumstances so very hard to answer your questions because they're just too general.

How old are you guys? You sound like you're young? I'm sorry but to me it kind of sounds like he is losing interest but he's not really sure how to say it. Maybe he did really want to see how it went and wasn't just using you for sex. To be honest the buying presents may have been because he just likes giving gifts and he had the money because he's working so much lol It doesn't sound like he's super mature or knows how to be in a relationship. You asked me what's going on with you guys and he was just like: "Hi 😊" which doesn't make sense because you wanted to discuss how you feel. Just sounds like he's probably isn't taking any of this that seriously. I'm sorry 😞

I'm not really sure how someone can be harmed simply by being friends with a prostitute unless they're actually there when the prostitute does the work. Or they get introduced to the prostitute's clients and the clients are dangerous or violent in some way. One of my friends was a prostitute and I had no idea who any of the clients was and they had no idea who I was. I actually think it's a fear that comes from internal prejudice towards prostitutes that you're in some kind of danger if you're friends with a prostitute. Personally to me it's not something that affected me in any way so I didn't care that my friend was a prostitute. I met her before I knew she was one and we got along really well. When she told me about it I didn't see her as all of a sudden becoming a different person. She wasn't someone that I didn't like anymore just based on that she's a prostitute. However obviously not everyone will feel like me and some people don't accept it. In this case your friend doesn't accept it so I don't think there really is that much you can do about it. At the same time I don't think you need to keep explaining to her or apologise that you're a prostitute because this is your life and it's not affecting her. She doesn't have to accept it but you also don't need her approval or permission if you're enjoying what you're doing. I really think though that having unprotected sex is a terrible idea. Some STD's are not curable and unless you're on the pill you could get pregnant.

Well I probably do find this off putting as well but on the other hand it is about goals and values, as you said. Some goals or values aren't in themselves good or bad, but can be different to different people. For example, have you got a sense of what he actually has been spending money on? Has he travelled or does he go out a lot? Does he pay rent and contribute to bills with his mother and his ex's parents? It's obviously important to you to live out of home and save money but it might be not as important to some people. Some people travel a lot, do backpacking, things like that first. Some people also like to just spend money on life experiences. For example, go out for nice meals, go to the theatre, go on a cruise, gym membership, etc. There are people who like to be frugal and work towards a big financial goal. E.g. Buying a car or a house. But there are also people who live in the moment and spend money on things they value in the here and now. Personally yes I would prefer my partner to live out of home but I probably wouldn't care as much if they didn't have a lot of savings. I would only care if they were blowing all their money away on some kind of addiction - e.g., drugs, gambling, strippers. But otherwise I don't think it bothers me that much. I agree with you though that values need to match. For example, if you have savings, own property and things like that, it's fine if you're looking for someone equal to you. Something I would think about I guess is do you have many options of other guys? And what are you looking for from a relationship? I know it's really hard to find a partner in this day and age and many of my friends are struggling with it. Everyone has flaws so I guess you just need to think about what you're willing to overlook and what is a definite deal breaker for you. E.g. Have you asked your boyfriend if he's going to move out soon? For example if he moved out, can you give him a chance? I'm not saying you have to give him a chance but I'm just saying these are all things to think about.

Well would you say your relationship was actually working well to begin with? I got the impression that you weren't dating that long before she got pregnant. And that you were trying to make it work for your son. If that was mainly the reason then you don't actually need to be together to co-parent. It's bad that she was talking to her ex love interest but there is that saying: "Two wrongs don't make it right". If you want to set boundaries you can definitely do that. But to be honest it doesn't really make sense to tell her she shouldn't be flirting with other people but then you're doing it yourself. If you want to set a boundary then you both have to follow that boundary. How long have you been living together since you broke up? Personally I wouldn't give it too much more time without actually getting back together. You could live with friends or housemates or something. If she doesn't want to get back together then it's just too confusing for you to keep living there. You're saying it's for financial reasons but I'm getting the sense you're mostly staying there to try to get back together. If she won't get back together then there doesn't seem to be any point to actually keep living together.

Well, first thing. You actually don't need to be friends with him. There is no obligation to be friends with colleagues because friendship is a choice. I'm a bit confused because it sounds like you don't like him that much but yet you actually invited him to your house. My answer of how to deal with him in your personal life is simply don't be friends with him in your personal life. Do you have other friends? If this guy has a loud and opinionated personality, unfortunately who he is won't change. If you don't have many friends in the new country and really need him as a friend, unfortunately you will need to accept that he's this type of person. I generally don't get along with very loud and opinionated people either so it's rare for me to be friends with them. I have relatives like this so I just act polite but try to keep a distance. Like, for example I don't ask them to catch up unless it's a big family event and they're already there. In terms of work, it is best to be polite to colleagues so just act polite and keep conversation to work related topics. If he's not a manager then just say politely: "Sorry but you can't criticise me and boss me around as you aren't the manager. I'm happy to talk about it further with my actual boss and resolve things but you aren't my superior." Just something along those lines. Unfortunately if someone is really opinionated, what is that person's main trait? They think their opinions are right. So if you're trying to "deal" with him by telling him he's wrong, etc. it will probably just lead to fights.

Well I think that being on your phone on dates is rude. That would annoy me as well. It's actually my pet peeve when people are on their phone a lot even when we are just hanging out as friends. In terms of her other behaviours, I don't really see anything that weird. I'm not really sure why you think it's weird that she texted you: "Hope you're OK today!" You said you were basically initiating all messages so when she didn't hear from you, she asked if you're OK. To me that message seemed to be an equivalent of asking "How are you going?" If she's shy and quiet then that's just her personality which won't change. If you're not into her then you don't have to keep seeing her. It's OK if you're not feeling a spark. If you do like her though then you could give it more chances. Five dates isn't really long to be dating. If she's quite shy, she may be taking longer to open up.

Well I agree that lying isn't good. So it's bad she's lying because lying in itself is bad. But having said that, in my opinion she doesn't have to report to you at all. If she's playing games or hanging out with other friends, she has no obligation to always tell you: "By the way, I'm hanging out with X". I think it's fine for friends to tell each other just in conversation that they were hanging out with someone. Like for example: "So what were you up to yesterday? I was hanging out with Eddie." But it's not really normal that one friend always has to report to the other every time they're hanging out with other people. That aspect of it is actually controlling. If you want to bring up with her why she's not really hanging out with you anymore or drifting then absolutely you can do that. But you don't have the right to question her why she's hanging out with Eddie or anyone else. Or why she's not inviting you to hang out with those people behave she doesn't actually have to. I understand that you can see her status that she's online on Discord. But it would be the equivalent for example if I'm friends with my neighbour. And my neighbour can see I'm home and my lights are on and my car is in the driveway. Just because I'm home doesn't mean I actually owe it to my neighbour to hang out. I'm allowed to be home doing my own thing or hanging out with a different person at my house. It's the same thing with you seeing her on Discord.

Well I understand it's really frustrating that she's ditching you. I know you said you were online friends for many years. To be honest though you seem way too fixated on this friend. I'm getting the impression that maybe you don't have any other friends? The thing is that people don't usually have only one friend. So your friend has other friends too and she's allowed to hang out with them too. I understand that now she's not playing any games with you at all basically which is disappointing. But she is allowed to play games with her other friends and she actually doesn't have an obligation to invite you to play with them. I have a lot of friends and sometimes I go for a coffee with one friend and don't invite the other friends. I'm allowed to catch up just with that friend and not the others. Just because she's online on Discord doesn't mean that she has to spend her time only on you. On the other hand if she basically never "hangs out" with you anymore then she probably is losing interest. But on your end you shouldn't suffocate her and act controlling like she's not allowed to have other friends. You should be doing the same. You should have other friends apart from her. Why are you so hurt that she's playing online games with Eddie or whoever? He's her friend so she's hanging out with him but it doesn't mean it's something against you. Please find more friends and hobbies etc. It's not healthy to put your everything into only one person. Who is also an online friend, not in real life.

I'm not angry, I don't even know you or him. Makes no difference to me. I was just giving my opinion which I'm allowed to do.

No you don't have to meet him, of course you don't. In my opinion some of your standards actually are high. Like, saying, "He wouldn't live overseas". I don't think it means someone is boring just because they wouldn't live overseas. I'm not saying you need to meet him. You can meet other guys from online if they sounded better to you. But I've just seen people have unrealistic expectations from the get go and they don't end up finding anyone.

Well I actually don't fault you at all for not wanting to meet someone from online and absolutely you don't owe it to anybody. It was just that the way you were talking actually did sound condescending and judgemental. I could feel that tone coming through. Finding a relationship does require an open mind because nobody is perfect. So you aren't really going to find everything in common with any person. Also you seem to be really getting ahead of yourself there. You were saying: "Why settle?" But how can you settle when you actually don't know this person at all. You never even met. Nobody is asking you to marry him but just to have a cup of coffee with him. I mean if you have dozens of messages from other guys as well and you seem to have things in common with the other guys then sure, meet the other guys instead. I also think your standards are maybe a bit too high and only based on yourself. For example, I would definitely visit overseas but I'm not sure that I'd live there. I have a lot of friends and my family where I live and I wouldn't want to be away from them really long. Also maybe the guy hasn't watched any shows or movies recently but he's seen some in the past. Maybe he didn't realise that he was really required to give you these answers, otherwise you'd deem him boring. So maybe he said: "Oh I haven't seen anything recently". Doesn't mean he's never seen anything ever. He probably just didn't realise he was being scrutinised and that he was under a microscope to give particular types of answers.

Well I think in real life you wouldn't be talking to a friend every single day literally all day. You might chat a lot but they still need to live their life as well. He probably has other friends, a job, hobbies, errands to run, etc. If you guys are supposed to be only friends then I don't think it's actually healthy to be talking 24/7. It's OK if you want to message him but I think you need to lower your expectations and not expect that he'll text back constantly. Maybe he's dating someone and she noticed he talks to you a lot and got jealous. Or maybe he's just realised that spending all his time only talking to you is actually unsustainable. It doesn't mean he wants to ditch you but he probably wants to do other things too.