Tinydance

Well at 31 even having sex with 18 people I think isn't actually that high. You're saying some of those were only sexting or sending sexy photos. To be honest I don't actually consider just sending a sexy message or photo actual hookup. It's just virtual so it's not like you physically did anything at all. To me a hookup would need to be in person. Also in answer to your question if you can get married if you slept with many people - yes anyone can get married. There are people on Only Fans who are married, people who are porn stars, strippers or sex workers who are married.

I think you have some good points there but I just don't think that someone should be forced to marry if they just don't want to. Some people just have particular beliefs and values and they shouldn't have to change them. It's unfortunate though because there seem to be many people who get into a relationship where the goals and values don't match and they expect that one person will change their mind. I mean in some cases maybe they do but it's very risky to continue being in the relationship thinking they WILL change their mind. Because maybe they won't. I think it's perfectly fine not to want marriage. Maybe I'm speaking as someone not well off but to me it seems a bit weird to straight away be thinking things like that you want a pre nup and that your relationship will end etc. I understand it's a fair concern but if you're living with someone for some years they are a serious partner, a life partner if you like. Doesn't really make sense to me to think that you should protect all your assets immediately in case it doesn't work out. Again I understand that I don't own that much but for example I own a car but my ex de facto partner didn't. But I didn't really care if he got my car or half my car. I mean if you move in with someone too quickly maybe you don't know if you can trust them. But if you've been together two years and you want a future why start getting paranoid from the get go? That's just how I feel.

What are your county's laws about living together? For example, here in Australia if you're in a relationship with someone and you live together for six months, you are considered civil/de facto partners. You have all the same rights and laws applying as if you were actually married. Here in Australia the actual marriage ceremony and wedding is really just a celebration of being together. On paper it makes no difference. Have you checked the laws where you live regarding that? You don't want to get married as you don't want to divide your assets but by living with her you might already be legally bound to do that. If you don't want to do that then I would highly recommend you move out ASAP. I agree that your girlfriend shouldn't have been together because you just don't sound compatible. Wanting or not wanting marriage is a pretty big thing so it's a big incompatibility. It sounds like your girlfriend really wants that big commitment but it's just not your thing. I think there's nothing at all wrong that you don't want to get married. However just from what you wrote it sounds as if you view a relationship as more transactional rather than the fact you love and want to be with that person. It's very common in relationships that one person earns more than the other. But that person usually doesn't think: "Maybe I shouldn't legally bind to them because they might get my assets." I mean it's a fair assumption to make that some relationships might not last. Or even if they last long, they don't last forever. But people don't usually worry about the finances aspect of it and just take the relationship in the here and now. To be honest it doesn't really sound to me like you want an actual big commitment in general because your priority is more with your assets than your partner.

Well not all abuse is actually physical. A lot of abuse can actually be psychological and your husband is very psychologically abusive. I haven't actually heard of weed causing physical side effects like peeing yourself and pooping your pants. To me it sounds like he either has many other physical health issues, whether caused by his obesity or something else. Or he is so heavily stoned that he's too out of it to realise he needs to go to the toilet and he just goes in his pants. In any case this is really not normal. If he does have some physical conditions that cause incontinence then he needs to see a doctor and wear incontinence aids. It's completely inappropriate to piss his pants at work and just continue working! In the very least he could have asked for a break and gone to the supermarket to buy some new underwear or something. Even if he has medical incontinence he can't just ignore it and get angry when you suggest he get some help. He has no respect for anyone and most of all himself by being incontinent and doing absolutely nothing about it. He doesn't sound like just someone who smokes weed but someone who is very mentally and physically unwell. It sounds like his weed use is very heavy and probably starting to cause him a lot of psychological problems. Also weed doesn't actually agree with everyone. For example it makes me feel really anxious and paranoid and moody. That's why I never smoked it hardly at all. If it's having such bad effects on your husband but he continues to smoke it then clearly he I getting worse and worse. I think there isn't really anything more you can do because you can't control another person. He wants to be thus way so unless he decides to get help then things won't be any different. I would recommend getting a divorce. I mean even though you've been together for nine years but your husband is now a giant sized toddler. He throws tantrums, pees himself, stuffs himself with food. And he doesn't want to change.

Well look, people can have feelings and beliefs about anything. Unless they're very extremist it doesn't mean they're wrong. For example, some people are vegetarian and vegan and they only want a partner who is also a vegetarian or vegan. Those people strongly believe that it's the right thing to do to be vegan. But others don't think so and eat meat. You feel strongly uncomfortable about what your girlfriend did and that also she's bisexual. Her being bisexual will never change. The fact she hooked up with her friend's mother will also never change. If you can't accept it then don't be with her. I've done sexually adventurous things and I'm bisexual and my partners knew about it. They were fine with it so on my end I actually want to be with people who accept it. You've been with your girlfriend for a year but you never accepted it. So it's not really fair to you or her because obviously she doesn't want a partner who has a problem with her sexuality or past.

Well I'm not defending her but I think unfortunately in a long distance relationship one person has to move to the other person. Of course even with that there needs to be compromise and not everything only for the benefit of one person. I imagine normally when one person has to move, the couple looks at their overall situation and chooses who will move based on whether it's easier for them. This can completely depend on the individual situation. For example, if one person owns a flat or house and one doesn't, they might move into their partner's property. If one person works from home and the other one has to work from their work location, the working from home partner will move. And so on. Personally I don't really consider two hours apart as super LDR. But as you said, both people need to make time and effort to make it work. For example, you can stay at each other's place each weekend. One weekend she comes to you and the next weekend you go to her. I think it can work but only if you both put a lot of time aside for each other. Is she doing that for you? How often do you see each other? How far away do your family live from you? To be honest if you don't have a lot of family or friends around you but she's super close to her family then it actually would make sense that you would move and not her. I agree that both people need to put in equal effort but unfortunately sometimes it's not possible for it to be completely even. It depends on the individual situation. E.g. Let's say you're working from home and can work from anywhere but she's got a long time office job. Her moving to you would require her to quit her job, whereas in your case you get to keep your job. I don't think it's necessarily about that the other person is selfish but one person does have to move. So the couple needs to decide who is sacrificing the least and will be more comfortable if they move. But to maintain the LDR yes both people need to make equal effort. E.g. She needs to text you regularly, call/video call and make time in person. Not that only you initiate all the texts and calls and only travel to her. If she doesn't initiate equally then you are seeing her investment in this relationship. And that investment is probably not that high.

Well it sounds like she needs to have a filter and not just share everything she's done sexually. You said she has been respecting your boundaries since you asked her not to? Some people are more sexually adventurous than others and it's OK if you have other values. Like, some people wait for sex before marriage and some do casual sex. It's OK if one of those people has a problem with what the other is doing. As you said it's about values. The problem is your girlfriend already did those things, they already happened. So unfortunately your only choice is to accept it or just end the relationship. I think you need to consider what is more important to you. To be with this particular girl or instead to find someone straight who shares your personal beliefs? I can't advise you on what to choose as that's up to you.

Well her being bisexual is actually not a moral or value. This is her sexuality and this is who she is. If you have a problem that she's bisexual and was with another woman then you shouldn't be with her. She's not hurting you or anyone by being bisexual. If you don't accept people for their sexuality that's totally your choice. But I don't think you should waste her time if you're not OK with it. She's not just going to become straight so what do you expect to change? If you prefer to date straight women there are way more straight women out there than bisexual. Look for straight women instead. I'm bisexual and I've experienced bi phobia all my life and I'm really sick of it. It's OK if people prefer to date straight people, it's a personal choice so up to them. I remember being on a date with a guy and he started asking me a lot of personal full on questions, including my sexuality. He was like: "Oh you're bisexual! So if we're kissing or having sex you'd be thinking about another woman?" And yet guys don't keep asking their straight girlfriend: "Are you thinking about other guys right now?" So it's basically a phobia that you're scared that someone is bisexual.

Well you're allowed to vent and share your feelings but this is also an advice forum. If you don't actually want any advice at all and prefer just to talk then have you considered therapy? One last thing I'll say is, life is short. You can't have control over everything in life but there are some things you can try to control or steer towards what you want. You basically love this woman and want to be with her but you're just way too scared to actually get out of your comfort zone or do anything. You said you studied psychology. You know what cognitive dissonance is? It's where you're not happy or are uncomfortable with something so you use a defence mechanism where you tell yourself you're actually content with everything as it is. The problem is, defence mechanisms don't actually change reality. You aren't just happy being friends, you want more. The thought of her dating other guys kills you. So essentially you're lying to yourself that you're fine. If you want to continue lying to yourself absolutely that's your choice. I think some people aren't meant to be our friends. If you have a friend but one person develops feelings, you either have to move on from your feelings, start a relationship or end the friendship. An "elephant in the room" friendship will eventually end. I've seen it happen all the time. Anyway good luck to you, will be my last comment on your posts.

I really don't understand....You want to be with her but you don't want to ask if she feels the same?

What's the point in discussing all this. You keep writing the same things again and again. If you're too scared to say anything then that's fine. But you can't blame her if she goes on a date with someone else because at least other men have the guts to pursue her. You don't.

So are you planning on never doing anything until she's no longer single?

Well you won't get any progress because you don't actually want to do anything about it. And if she's going on dates with other men she might be with someone else. Your window of opportunity might be closing so I think you either need to go for it or accept it as friendship only.

I'm sorry if this sounds blunt....You always said in all your posts that you feel disappointed that nothing romantic is happening with this woman. You've written a lot about it and you're very frustrated. I'm sorry but you can't keep complaining that nothing is happening because you haven't actually made any move or told this woman how you feel. I think she's into you in *some* way that's not only platonic or sibling like. If she thought of you as her little brother or good buddy, she wouldn't send mini skirt photos, show cleavage, show porn book, flirt, etc. She thinks of you as a man, as some kind of sexual interest or admirer. I 100% guarantee you that part. She's sending you some kind of sexual signals and you always do absolute diddly squat about. Now she's going on dates with another man because she's getting nothing from you. Stop complaining and start doing.

Well I got the impression that he's actually asking you out on a date. On the other hand, what is the situation with the landlord? Is he your friend or just a stranger? I think it's very unusual for a landlord to leave a box of chocolates for his tennants. Usually the relationship between a landlord and tennant is strictly business and professional. I personally wouldn't go for coffee with him. It sounds like he might be into you. If you date your landlord and it doesn't work out, things could get super awkward for you to live there.

I'm sorry you are struggling with OCD. Are you receiving therapy or any other treatments for it? I understand why you were anxious to meet your boyfriend's friends. But to be honest I really don't understand why you acted the way you did. Initially you didn't really do anything wrong. Maybe you were giving the friend some attention but doesn't sound like you were actually hitting on him and nothing at all happened. Yes you had the romantic/sexual dream about him but that dream was in your own head. So your boyfriend didn't know you were into his friend. So why would you go and tell him about the dream and that you found the friend attractive? You were with your boyfriend for nearly a year but you met the friend for one night. You were also pretty drunk. Have you ever heard of beer goggles? You're willing to jeopardise a relationship of one year for a stranger you just briefly met. And maybe you didn't even get the right impression of him because you were drunk. Also even if you did have feelings or crush for his friend, what do you think was going to happen? You have no idea if he feels the same. Also if he's a good friend then he wouldn't go after his friend's girlfriend. So basically your chance with his friend is very likely zero. Yet you want to just tell your boyfriend everything and give him space, for what? Some guy you'll never be with? I think you really have your priorities all wrong. Honesty isn't always the best policy. That's why people don't usually like people who are blunt. You don't need to say literally everything you think in your head. There is also that saying: "A bird in the hand is better than two in the bush". In other words, you've already got something so why lose it over something that's still out there and you don't know if you can have? You behaved very strangely in my opinion. Unless you're not actually that into your boyfriend and you were looking for a way out.

How long ago did she separate from her ex-husband? If it hadn't been that long then maybe she just has a lot of trauma to deal with. In any case I think she's got some issues and that's why she behaved the way she did.

I actually also thought that she might have abandonment issues. I was literally thinking that and then she someone already said that. To me it seems like she put herself out there and was vulnerable. She was expecting some kind of strong response but she didn't get it, so she got scared you weren't as invested and you were going to hurt her. She decided to end it and pull away herself first before you did it. I don't really see what you did wrong at all. If anything maybe it was all moving a bit too fast and she wanted it to rush along. Whereas you were the one thinking more clearly. I don't really see why she would end it just because you didn't use the word "love". You were actually acting very serious about her by saying you would even move in with her in a couple of months if all was going well. It's OK to say you love someone after three months but it's also OK if you're not 100% ready to say it yet. Everyone moves at a different pace. People also have different love languages. Sometimes people get offended that someone else's love language is different to theirs. For example, I love buying gifts for people and that's how I show I care. Other people use words of affirmation and might be always saying things like: "I love you", "You're amazing", "You're my everything", etc. Some people do acts of service and they'll bring you breakfast in bed, wash your car, walk your dog. That's how they show their love. You were showing her how much you cared but just because you weren't like: "I LOVE YOU!!" she got scared and ran away.

But he actually did say he had very strong feelings for her too. She didn't say: "I love you" straight out like that either. I think saying: "I'm falling in love with you" actually is the same as "I have very strong feelings for you". It indicates feelings which are string and growing and can become love.

But you're projecting your own insecurities onto these people. You seem to have just inserted yourself into their life and you're envious of it and say it hurts they're together. They're just people trying to be in a relationship and they're not trying to hurt you. It sounds to me like you're not even close to them. If it upsets you, you don't need to be around them. They're not really your friends. If you want a girlfriend start putting yourself out there. The way to get one isn't actually to sit at home and pine for another guy's girlfriend.

I think you're imagining a connection with her that you don't actually have. You feel like you're close but you aren't. Doesn't matter if you've had a similar relationship experience. That doesn't actually mean you're best buddies or are in love. It's OK to have a crush and you can't help that. But you probably need to distance yourself from them now.

Well I think maybe you might be better off just to not spend time with your friend and this woman. I didn't get the impression that he's your close friend because you said you hadn't seen him since school and then you just ran into him. You don't sound close and your motivation now to hang out with him is basically only to see his girlfriend. So it's not like you really care about his friendship that much. You mentioned that she just moved here. Did she move to be with him? I think she actually wants to be with him and moved for that. But she loves the attention from a younger guy so is throwing you some breadcrumbs. She doesn't sound like a good girlfriend and pretty immature. If she was your girlfriend she'd probably do it to you.

I think you actually do care about her looks predominantly. The reason why I say this is because you basically don't actually know her. You met her a couple of times but otherwise you've just seen her around. She's not single and not your girlfriend or friend. An acquaintance at best. You say you love her but what do you love her for? Just sitting there looking pretty? You've imagined some kind of connection with her which actually doesn't exist. And she's acting pretty immature for a woman in her late 30's. I thought maybe she was in her early 20's or something. She already has a boyfriend. Why did she invite a random guy she just met to go out clubbing and drinking with her? I think she's having a mid life crisis and she just wants attention.

Are you seeing a therapist? I think you really need to speak to someone. You seem to have developed a big projection on this girl. You hardly know her, she's not your girlfriend or your friend really. Just because she's pretty you're saying you're in love with her and she's stopping you from killing yourself. I think this is all just in your head. Also you say this guy is your friend but you want to pursue his girlfriend. What kind of friend does this make you? Please get support and professional help.

So you said the guy is your friend but how well do you know him? It sounded like you hadn't seen him for a long time but then you ran into him. Do you know what the nature of their relationship is? Like, are they polyamorous, swingers, etc.? They seem to be acting like they are. What kind of gathering was it at their place? Was it a party? I just find it really odd if for example you're just having a small gathering and people aren't off their face or anything and are just talking. Then all of a sudden the hosts leave and go to their bedroom and start having sex with an open door. Unless you're having some kind of wild party then if you're the host you don't just leave your guests alone to have sex. And you don't leave the door open. Personally I would be like what is going on here. Even if they weren't having sex but they just went to a different room and didn't come back, I'd find it rude. Honestly I think you're being blinded by this woman being attractive. I mean, if they seem to be a polyamorous couple and they're hitting on their friends then OK. But even if they were then you'd be more like their "unicorn". If you know what that means lol Depends if you're OK with that or not.