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Tinydance

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Everything posted by Tinydance

  1. Tinydance
    Well that's your choice and you're totally allowed to make it. But then you shouldn't complain about your own choices.
  2. Tinydance
    Well this is the other constraint as well due to your religion, rather than your disability. No disrespect at all to your religion by the way. I think unfortunately even the religious commitment can make dating options limited unfortunately. For example, I had a colleague at work from a certain traditional country and religion. She was only allowed to date men from her background. I live in Australia though so this woman was an immigrant and could only date other immigrants from her home country basically. She liked other guys but she wasn't allowed to be with them. Eventually she got an arranged marriage but it didn't work out. So she was single ever since to my knowledge.
  3. Tinydance
    Are you speaking to any counsellors about this? Do you have friends and family?
  4. Tinydance
    I'm sorry if I came across harsh but I was simply saying that it still doesn't mean you can't have a relationship or at least some kind of companionship. There are many people with disabilities or chronic illness in this world and many of them do have relationships. You seem to think that only people without disabilities can have a relationship but that's not actually the case. In my own experience working with people with disabilities I definitely realised that the disabilities didn't necessarily stop them from dating.
  5. Tinydance
    Well it's totally up to you if you would like to make peace with it. Do you have friends? I think there are different types of relationships in life. I think any relationship has value but there are just different things you can get from different relationships. I think that unless someone is lying to you online, then if they're completely themselves then it's a real relationship. Like, it's real in the sense that the conversations and connection is real. And at the end of the day it depends what exactly you want from a relationship. For example, some people are asexual so their relationship might be more like a friendship or companionship. You said yourself that you're limited physically so wouldn't an online relationship provide you with an option where you don't physically exert yourself?
  6. Tinydance
    Well I think it's becoming clear the primary reason you're alone isn't your disabilities but your bad attitude about your life and other people. There is always someone posting here with literally exactly the same story. They don't accept any positive comments or solutions and the post just drags on until it gets locked.
  7. Tinydance
    I just find it interesting how many people come on this forum saying their life sucks and there will never be any hope. Then when people try to come up with advice and solutions, the person gets upset and is like: "No you wrong, how dare you say it's possible to have a better life." It's like the person us only posting here because they want others to confirm their life will always suck and they don't like anyone being positive.
  8. Tinydance
    I second this whole post. I actually have direct proof that people with disabilities find love and companionship with other people with disabilities. I know this because I worked as a disability worker for ten years. And some people I worked with were dating or married to other people with disabilities. One couple with disabilities was together for 16 years.
  9. Tinydance
    Well I'm not trying to be rude but right now you don't actually have any relationship. So maybe an online or video call relationship would at least be a step up from that.
  10. Tinydance
    Well it's a hypothetical comment I suppose. I mean technically any type of person can find love and I truly do believe that. But not every person maybe WILL find love. There's a YouTube channel for example called Squirmy and Grubs. They are actually really popular and have something like two million followers. It's a married couple where the man has quite severe physical disabilities and he's married to this attractive able bodied woman. She actually does all his personal care for him. So this is just the way this man's life turned out that he happened to meet this woman who happens to have no problem with his disabilities or being his carer. At the same time there are people with no disabilities or deformities or anything who for some reason didn't actually find anyone. Some of it can be luck and being in the right place at the right time. Or it's just a connection between people. Like for example someone might have a disability but they just really hit it off with somebody else who can overlook their disabilities in favour of the connection they have. What kind of disability do you have? Do you have carers helping you? What about trying to meet someone else who is lonely or also has a disability? I honestly do believe that everyone can fund someone but I think you need to consider what options you might actually have. Like, what kinds of people you might have a chance with.
  11. Tinydance
    The other thing is that some people don't even get married on paper. They only have civil/de facto relationships so when they're with someone a long time it's basically their husband or wife.
  12. Tinydance
    I actually Googled AA meetings in various countries. Had a look at US, UK and Australian site. I'm pretty sure they all said that they offer a variety of meeting times by video call on Zoom. So she doesn't have to actually leave the house to attend the meetings. She could put her child for a nap and attend one or while her child is playing on their own. So why do you feel bad that you can't babysit when it's not necessarily for her to actually join these meetings? Some are also in the evening so the child might even be asleep by then.
  13. Tinydance
    OK so here is another thing. There's that well known trope that kids always ask a lot of questions and keep asking: "But why?" They want to know the answers, want to know the reasons. In my opinion: "Because I said so" is actually not a reason. Any parent has power over their child but not all parents always use it just for their own satisfaction or gain. If someone is raising their child actually letting them know why things happen and also allowing their child choices, that's healthy in my opinion. E.g. "Daddy, why can't I have a new Playstation?" - "Because you already got one last year". "Daddy why can't we get pizza?" - "Because I'll cook something healthy instead". So the child is given actual explanations and made to see their wants aren't just plainly ignored and given real reasons why. If the parent just wants to control based on personal opinion then the child might think what they want is actually not valid and they don't get a choice - it's always parents' choice. And that child might feel undermined and have no confidence in their own needs and wants. Because the parent just always said: "I'm the parent, I said so." So maybe when they finish school, they want to study to be a teacher but they might just push it aside. "Because Daddy said it's better to be a doctor and it's Daddy's opinion."
  14. Tinydance
    OMG thank you. At least one person agreed with me lol
  15. Tinydance
    Well dude if that's how you both feel then I don't think you should actually step back. I think you need to get her out of there. Remember she isn't being restrained by force. The restrain is only mental. As far as I understand the GPS tracking app works because the person actually gives permission to have their location. She can turn the permission off or even turn her location off. This is all just really weird because you're talking like she's been kidnapped and held hostage but she's free to leave. She just doesn't want to. The parents don't want her to be with you. So that's just not going to happen that you'll get their "permission" (though you don't need it). So your only two choices are get her out of there or you will not be with her at all. This is all quite ridiculous that you're a man in his mid 40's who is a father himself but you're talking like: "I'm not allowed to do XYZ, I'm just allowed to play video games with her". Like why are you tolerating all this? I don't understand how supposedly she's taking care of her mental health when she's being emotionally abused. And the therapy doesn't seem to be helping her realise what's actually really going on here.
  16. Tinydance
    Well these people sound really horrible. They kicked out their 15-year-old girl to sleep in her car for two years? What monsters do this? She could have been raped or God knows what else living alone on the streets like this! These people sound disturbed and very abusive. Funny they don't trust you because you're older but they are the ones who are the abusers. I actually wouldn't be surprised if a lot of her mental health stems from this. What's your financial situation like? Can you have her stay with you? Honestly I doubt her mental health is improving. I mean how can it improve when she's being completely controlled and emotionally manipulated? And threatened to get kicked out if she dates someone she really likes/loves. I think she needs to get out of there ASAP. What did she study in college? Does she have a profession she can get a job in? If you're serious about this girl, you need to help her get away from her parents. I also don't really understand why you were encouraging her to be close to them when they are like this. And yes they do sound like they're a cult.
  17. Tinydance
    Well in all fairness we actually did use to talk basically every day, called on the phone once or twice a week and catch up once or twice a week. So I understand there's a high expectation. The problem is I haven't been able to live up to it since I had my son and also my Dad got the cancer. She said "I don't think it's to do with your Dad because this has been happening for a few months". Like how does she know it's not because of my Dad? In fact I'm pretty sure that even if I did withdraw to some extent that it actually was because of my Dad. Also she said I'd ask a question but then sometimes she'd reply but I didn't comment on what she said. So it seemed like asking the question was fake and I didn't really want to know the answer. But why would I do that? I don't have to ask anything if I'm not interested. If I'm not interested I wouldn't ask. And she said: "This happened for a few months and now I'm finally saying something." Like I genuinely had no idea she had this impression and she said she was upset for months. What's the problem to let me know sooner? How am I meant to fix something if I don't even know what I'm meant to be fixing?
  18. Tinydance
    The thing is I have some close/best friends I've known for 20 + years and the friendship just exists and doesn't need some kind of extra effort or something. The conversation normally just ebbs and flows. Like, one of us might start a conversation and chat back and forth and it just drops off. Then some days or weeks might pass and might start a conversation again. I don't really feel pressure to constantly reply unless there was something important said or I was asked questions or actually trying to make plans. Nobody will actually "end" a conversation by saying: "OK bye!" Usually one person will just stop replying and that's how the conversation ends. So I thought that’s what was going on and didn't think I was coming across as that I'm ignoring the messages or I don't care. We were even still catching up in person so obviously I was responding and organising the plans. It's also unlike me to receive one message and ignore it. Normally if I forget to reply to one it's because there was already a back and forth conversation going and I "dropped off".
  19. Tinydance
    Well she's complying with the treatment really well so that's not really the problem. I'm just confused as I just honestly didn't notice that I wasn't responding to her as much or seemed disinterested. I wasn't disinterested so I don't really understand what could give this impression. Anyway I guess I'll watch this space and see what happens.
  20. Tinydance
    Lol Well it's not my place to diagnose but I think maybe she does have BPD. It's really weird because she wasn't as severe in these behaviours towards me before but I think maybe she was doing it to her partners. She did tell me that she wasn't replying to some of their messages on purpose. And she said that she always wanted to bring up any problems and keep trying to resolve them. Which sounds like a good thing except she seemed to bring it up to them all the time. In all honesty I seriously didn't notice that I wasn't replying that much. None of my friends have said anything like that at all and I have a lot of friends. I'd think I'd get at least some other feedback if I was doing this to people. She's just acting really bizarre. She said I don't take interest in her so I replied that I am interested and was trying to show it by asking questions. But she said she doesn't like my answer. I'm getting stressed out and feeling like I keep getting accused but I don't even really know what I did?
  21. Tinydance
    Well I think usually when people are single they do have more free time to hang out with friends. That does change when someone gets into a relationship. For example they might spend weekends with their partner now because they both work during the week. Previously maybe they were free to see friends on the weekend. To me someone ditching you for a partner would be when they just stop contacting you and stop catching up with you. If the person still keeps in touch by text, phone call, catches up sometimes, I don't think that's ditching. They just become busier because they've now got a partner in their life.
  22. Tinydance
    OK so update. We talked on the phone but my friend said she wasn't happy with the texts I sent when she told me how she felt. This is basically what I sent: "Well, I thought I was showing interest in your life because I was actually asking you questions about how was your dance show, how are the cats, or asking "sup?". Like I am actually interested in what you're up to but you didn't really say what you were up to. I'm not sure if it's maybe like a two way thing and maybe because of me as well but when we went to the design market I kinda felt like you didn't want to hang out very long. Coz we ate lunch and quickly after finished eating you said you wanted to go home. I actually wanted to keep hanging out longer. I know you said you had a video call with your sister, but it was like 1:30 p.m. and the video call you said was at 7:00 p.m." Then I just explained how I've just been really preoccupied with what's been going on with my Dad. Also she said I've not been replying to her messages much for a few months but I don't think that was the case. But what was weird is I organised a little Christmas picnic and asked if she's free that evening. She said she's free but not sure if she'll come. Like, she says I'm not paying her attention but I literally invited her to something that I organised just for my close friends.
  23. Tinydance
    Well, as I commented, if there's a good reason for it it's absolutely fine. If your Dad was a bad person then that was a particular reason. If this man is a nice man and the only reason son dislikes him is he's his father's replacement then that's merely a personal prejudice. It's nothing to do with who this man actually is or what he did.
  24. Tinydance
    Well you say she "can't" see you as if she's literally been tied to the bed by her parents or something. She's not being held hostage there physically so if she wants to stand up for herself then she can see you anytime. How old is this girl? You said she's in her twenties but what is her actual age? Is she from some kind of traditional culture or she's a westerner? To be honest this girl sounds a bit infantile for someone in her 20's. And sounds like in your relationship you actually decided to take on this "Dad" parent role. And you were adding to her being treated like a kid and told what to do just like what her parents are doing. Just because you're 20 years older doesn't actually mean that it's your job to take care of her mental health, push her to have a relationship with her parents, etc. She's young but she is actually an adult and that's her responsibility to look after her mental health. It's also up to her if and what kind of relationship she wants to have with her parents. Let's say if she wanted nothing to do with them, well that would be her choice. And if she wants to be controlled by them and be told who she can date, well that's her choice as well. She could try to get a job and get her own insurance but maybe she's scared to go out into the world on her own?
  25. Tinydance
    In regards to your question of how to bring up if you're feeling lonely or haven't spoken for a while. I don't think you need to actually say: "Hey we haven't talked for a while, you're not messaging me much." That might sound needy. But you can just text normally and be like: "Hey! Long time no speak! How are you? What's been happening?" You don't have to spell it out that you want to talk. Just start talking.
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