Tinydance

You keep talking about this more and more like it's a competition. Why do you keep saying that the wife or mother has to come first? Is it some kind of reality TV show where someone is going to win and someone is going to lose? Lol You keep saying your partner is 28 and he needs to be more mature. Yes being an adult is being mature and unfortunately that means you don't always have to win or be right. Yes a person's partner is a huge part of their life but they might also have other extremely important people in their life. For example, family members or best friends. I have best friends I've known for 20 + years who have always been there for me and are a huge part of my life. Just because I get a partner I'm not now all of a sudden going to demote every single person to me to "distant acquaintance" and make my partner number 1 and the only one in my whole universe. Wanting to be above everyone in your partner's life in a competitive way is actually not mature and yes it's controlling. That's what controlling actually is. It's trying to alienate your partner from their loved ones. You say you wouldn't want to control how often your partner sees his Mum etc. But you do want your partner to only agree with you and value only your opinions. First of all, your partner is an individual person. And as you keep saying, he's a grown man. He doesn't automatically only have to only side with you or only ever listen to you just because you're hus wife. He's allowed to have his own opinions and beliefs. He's allowed to be an individual and have his own life too. I think it's very common not to like your partner's mother but you need to be realistic as well. Your partner's family consists of him, his siblings and their other relatives who are all related to his mother or his mother's actual children. What is your expectations to be part of this family if you're going to act hostile or superior towards the mother? Do you think the whole family will support you, or will they side with the own mother or relative? Do you see what I'm saying?

Well if we're literally only talking about the scenario you gave, I can't answer based on lack of information. For example, I could either give my number to both those guys or neither of them. For example, if I had nothing in common and no click with either guys. Or I didn't find either guy attractive to me personally. I'm actually not attracted to overly muscly guys. Like, body builder types. Whereas the stereotype of an attractive male seems to be a guy who works out at the gym with a muscular body. I might give my number to an attractive guy if I was attracted to him personally. But again this scenario had limited information. The question was just, would women give their number. But if we asked WHY they gave their number, I think that's different. For example if they gave their number to the attractive guy just to get attention or for hookup, but they wouldn't date him because they didn't like his personality. Also I think that the descriptions of both those guys were more so a stereotype. Like, the smart, interesting, "plain looking" guy. And the hot, but unintelligent up himself guy. In reality the guys would have their own personality, interests, opinions. They wouldn't just be a hypothetical cliche.

Hey Alex! I didn't read any of your other posts because I hadn't been on the forum that much lately. And I suppose if they were removed then I can't see them anymore. So based on that I don't know the whole situation. I think it's normal to want a relationship and to have a family and someone to love. I agree with the other posters though that you seem too fixated on seeing every guy you date through a "future husband" lens. I know it's hard when you really like someone but early dating is more so seeing if you're compatible with someone. Unfortunately sometimes the other person won't feel the same way as you. I know in that sense it's very hard to find someone because everything has to align. They have to really like you and you have to really like them. It has to be mutual. I think in this case sadly this guy wasn't actually as into you as you were into them. I didn't read the other posts but it sounds like he was showing signs of that early on. I think you need to pay attention to the signs and try to accept the reality, as hard as that might be. If a guy is flaking on you all the time then what's the point in telling yourself he's actually in love with you and everything is great? It does have to be a two way street. So why pressure someone to be into you if they're not doing it on their own?

Some ex's also keep in touch so they can boot call you to have sex lol

Well if they've been together for nine years and have kids, I just find it a bit weird to say "my dog". Isn't it their dog then?

Well to me that seems like guys who didn't actually want a relationship or they weren't that into you, sorry. I think if someone actually really likes you, you would get a good sense if they were serious about you or not. They would act like you were a real couple, introduce you to all their friends and family, say they loved you, etc. And if someone had their foot halfway out the door I think it would show as well.

Well I think more information is needed about the situation for me to form the right opinion on it. Do you live with your partner? You kept saying "your dog" so do you live separately and your partner just visits your place? Why was your partner feeding your dog? Does your dog always eat home cooked meals or can it eat dry or canned dog food as well? I think if you don't live together and it's "your dog" then it should be basically only your responsibility to feed the dog. You should either feed it yourself or you should have appropriate food cooked or bought for the dog. Then ask that your partner only feed the dog what you made. If you live together and there are times that it's required that your partner feed the dog, then still you should have food ready to go. I agree it's careless if your partner knows how sick you could get from fish. But if you don't live together and it's "your dog" then why is your partner expected to feed it?

Firstly, I just want to say that I'm totally on your side in regards to the tracking issue and the bank account issue. I agree that needed to be addressed and your fiance for address it and remove his mother from the tracker and his bank account. So in that sense he's making the right steps towards being more independent. So in this situation your fiance has respected your wishes a lot more than his mother, so he "chose" you above his mother just in this situation specifically. Where I agree with all the other posters though is that you actually have an attitude about all this which will not be helpful to you. I totally understand why you're really upset and I would be too. What the problem is that you've now turned completely against his mother and are "ready to fight" in a sense. I'm not saying this because I'm on the mother's side but this is just not going to go well for you. In my opinion you're wrong that the wife always has to be put above the mother and mother gets demoted to "extended family". His mother isn't his extended family. She is his really close family. She's literally the woman who gave birth to him and raised him. And from the sounds of it they are actually also very close. He wouldn't have had his Mum tracking him or on his bank account if he wasn't close to her. How do you actually expect him to just push his mother aside? She's also the mother of his siblings. He will want to maintain a good relationship with his mother and his whole family basically. You don't have to like his mother but as much as you may not like it, you have to get along with her and be polite. You want to marry this man so he comes as a package with that woman being his mother. She isn't going anywhere until she dies. She will always be part of his life until she's not alive anymore. So if you don't act polite and keep fighting with the mother then you will have really big problems. And if he's super close to his mother and you keep turning against her then there's actually a chance he might choose his Mum over you eventually. I think if you want to be part of the family then it's in your best interests to "play nice". If you want to get your point across, you can do that by being more subtle and diplomatic. For example, you wanted the mother removed off the tracking app and bank account and that was achieved. The mother's reaction wasn't good but if you escalate the conflict it will get worse. If you just keep back and act polite, the mother might move on from this. But if you blow it out of proportion then you're making an enemy. And you're making an enemy out of someone who will always be there. Also sorry but I agree that "wives are replacable" just from the perspective that some relationships aren't forever. I'm not saying that as a rude thing but it's just the reality of life. For example, I'm super close with my Mum and she was always there for me. But my partners came and went. There is no way I would cut my Mum off just because a partner didn't like it. My Mum means everything to me and she's actually my only family because my Dad is dying of cancer and I'm an only child. I would not be putting a partner above my Mum because she's really important to me. By expecting your partner to push his mother away and make her "extended family", you would actually be ruining the relationship with your partner.

To be honest, I do agree that your fiance has also contributed to this co-dependent dynamic with his mother. Personally there's no way that I would have allowed my Mum to track me on an app or have a shared bank account when I was an adult. I'm pretty sure I've always had my own bank account since I was eighteen years old. So in that sense I think your fiance wasn't setting those boundaries himself and he was obviously OK with it at least to certain extent. I guess he was either fine with it or was just trying to please his Mum and do what she wanted. What I think is really good is that your fiance actually started to draw some boundaries. He's showing her that he's an adult with his own life and wants to be independent. I think unfortunately a lot of mothers seem to be quite clingy. That includes my own mother too but comparing her to some of my partners' Mum's, I realised she actually wasn't that bad lol I totally agree with you that it's weird that some families have this dynamic. I have a friend who is 39 and he has never lived out of home. His Dad died of cancer ten years ago and the mother seems really overly attached to her children. She really doesn't want any of her kids to move out. Three of her children still live at home who are 39, 30 and late 20's. All of them track each other on that app that you mentioned. My friend got a serious partner and they've been together nearly two years. Her lease ran out and he told his mother they'd start looking for a place for the two of them. The mother said that his partner could just live with the whole family at her house. The partner agreed to move in but I think she was thinking more as a temporary thing. Now it's been a few months and the mother is saying she doesn't want his partner to move out and wants them all to just continue living together. The mother seems terrified that her son might actually finally move out at 39 years old! Also my friend hangs out with his Mum a lot and he often asks if she could join us when we catch up. The other weird thing is he asked me if I was interested in tracking each other on that location app 😵 Anyway, I guess I was telling you that story to show that some families do gave those weird co-dependent dynamics. I think it's hard as an outsider to come in and change it in an instant. Your partner's mother is very used to this co-dependency and obviously she feels threatened and scared of change. She might start warming up to the fact her son is becoming independent now. But it can be a slow process because she was used to things being a certain way for a very long time. I'm not sure of course but the mother might not necessarily have something against you personally. She probably feels very attached to her son and sees it as you truing to take him away from her. It could have easily been any other woman your son got engaged to and she wouldn't like it either. She's telling herself that she sees red flags in your relationship but really it's her own insecurities. I think unfortunately there isn't that much you can do except all your fiance to keep setting boundaries and be more firm. As much as it sucks but his Mum will always be a part of his life. I think the best thing to do is probably just to be polite and give her some time to process everything. I'm not defending her behaviour but the problem is she's going to be in your life. So the best course of action is probably just to act cordial and keep your distance whenever you can. Let your fiance sort this out with her himself because he's her son.

I think that police would really investigate something before sentencing a person to 15 years in jail. I'm sure they had the means to dig deep into it and check what those files were originally that he uploaded and so on. If they found good evidence that your friend was innocent, I doubt he'd have gone to jail. So it looks like what they found was actually proof that he really did it. I think you're really going above and beyond to support your friend. You seem like a nice person and very loyal friend. But I guess what you need to think about is do you really want to keep covering for a paedophile? I find it sad that all your friends who have young children don't know this about someone who is supposed to be their friend. That takes the choice away from them as to what they want to do about it. I don't think you should feel bad at all that you're distancing yourself from this person. For one thing most people wouldn't want to be friends with someone like this. Secondly yes you have been burdened with this secret and that's really not fair.

I've known one of my best friends for 20 years, since I was a teenager. We worked together only briefly but we really connected and became best friends. We used to catch up all the time in our early 20's but then didn't see each other as often when she settled down with her husband about 15 years ago. They have two small children together. Her husband is Jewish and his family originally came from Israel to Australia when he was a child. She's not Jewish herself. In the last few years I've just been feeling a bit confused because I feel like my friend has been changing. A couple of years ago she was diagnosed with ADHD and started getting therapy for it and using dexamthetamine medication. She said she'd been really struggling with all these symptoms. But the thing is she literally never told me this and I thought we told each other everything. In all honesty I had never really noticed her having any ADHD symptoms which I found really strange. Her two children were also diagnosed one with ADHD and one with autism. First of all I just want to mention that I don't want to start any debate about the Palestine and Israel war. I actually knew very little about it and I'm also not a political person at all. I'll be honest that I don't actually know that much about it still and feel a bit ignorant. I don't feel like I can really comment on it or take any side because I don't have knowledge of whose side I should be taking, etc. Anyway, so I'm not sure if it's only to do with the Isreal and Palestine war, but my friend has been acting really mentally unstable. All she talks about basically 24/7 is that war. She's extremely anti Palestine and she's posting about it constantly on social media and talking about it absolutely constantly. I do understand where she's coming from of course because all her husband's extended family are in Isreal and one of his relatives was actually killed by Hamas. What is concerning though is that my friend has become really angry and verbally aggressive. In my opinion she's displaying erratic behaviours. She's also telling me all these things that she's never told me ever before and we're really close and have known each other for 20 years. She was looking up the Twitter of her ex from 20 years ago. He's not in her life or on her social media. She saw on his Twitter that he supports Palestine and she got really angry. She made a fake Twitter account and attacked him. She said she called him a rapist because she realised when they were dating he raped her. I'm not trying to doubt her but she never mentioned this to me before. Also she just told me that she's thinking of cutting her mother out of her life because her mother supports Palestine. She then told me that she's realised that her mother is probably a narcissist and that she was always emotionally abusive to her. That her mother always makes everything about herself and gaslights and she caused her so much trauma. I'm just really confused because again, she never told me anything like this about her mother at all. I actually thought that her and her Mum were really close. I got along well with her Mum and usually sent her a Christmas card. I even sometimes spent Christmas with their family when my own parents went away and I was single and on my own. I never noticed anything like this about her mother and thought she was nice??! Also my friend follows this Australian celebrity feminist and that feminist was pro Palestine. So my friend started sending her all these messages on social media. Weirdly the celebrity was actually replying. Now my friend is engaged in some kind of ongoing argument with her. The other day my friend said she was staying at a hotel for her work training and she had a mental breakdown and she was feeling suicidal. I asked her today if she's still seeing her therapist and she said: "Ha ha I know I'm acting crazy". I'm just really confused about what's going on because this doesn't seem like my best friend of 20 years that I know. I mean, it's clear that she's struggling with her mental health really badly and this is probably mostly what the issue is. What's really bizarre is she actually seemed fine and fairly normal up until Palestine attacked Isreal. I understand she has strong opinions about the war but it also seems like she's actually deliberately seeking people out who don't agree with her and trying to attack them. I don't know what to think because prior to this she had never told me anything that bad about her mother. Now she said she's going to cut her off because she supports Palestine. And she called her ex who supports Palestine a rapist and she never said that before. I'm feeling really uncomfortable about these behaviours but I can't just abandon my best friend...?

My first question is, are you sure the whole time you were saying to her it's a trunk and not truck? The reason why I ask is because if you read your post again, you'll see that many times you actually wrote "truck". You wrote: "I bought a truck but it didn't fit in my car". And I literally thought, um, OK, how do you expect a truck to fit inside your car? Lol Has your friend given any particular reasons why she's not sure about helping you with this? I mean, usually people have a reason for everything and personally I would firstly want to know what it is. Also sometimes some of these things may depend on personal experiences and feelings. This is just an example but let's say you bought something on Facebook marketplace or Craigslist or something from a random person. And to pick it up you need to go to their house. There may be some people who don't buy anything from randoms because they don't feel comfortable going to their house. So for example if you bought the trunk from someone and you need to go to their home then maybe she feels weird about that. Coz in all fairness there are strange people out there so you just never know lol Again this was only an example to suggest that people might have different ways of thinking about things. Obviously I have no idea what her reasons really are. So that's why I think you should ask her. I agree with your comment about black and white thinking. I try to see things not as black and white but depending on the situation. For example, if I've been giving a friend lifts a lot in my car and I ask them once for a lift and they say no without good reason, maybe I'd be annoyed. But if I never gave them a lift before then I'd probably be fine with the fact they said no. Also unfortunately in life everything can't always be 50/50. Sometimes you do end up giving a bit more than people give to you. And I guess in that sense the giving is supposed to be more so unconditional to begin with. Like, if I offer my friend a lift, I would just be doing it because I want to or it's late at night or something. I wouldn't be doing it thinking that now they have to do something for me. I wouldn't necessarily say that your friend is using you just because she asked you to help her but she doesn't want to go pick up the trunk. I mean, she did offer to bring the lamp to you and that was nice. I wouldn't just jump straight to that she's not a real friend and you should be cutting her off. I think that would definitely be very black and white.

Well I know in movies sometimes people will reconnect after many years. Like in Casablanca that was mentioned but I know other movies like that too. The thing is that in real life it doesn't seem to happen as often, for one thing. The other thing is that in movies it's usually portrayed as very romantic and that there aren't really any obstacles to it. Or that the obstacles are quickly overcome and it all looks very easy. I remember in the movie The Notebook it was the same thing where a young couple had a whirlwind summer romance. But the guy, Noah, was poor and lower class and the girl Allie from a rich family. So the girl's mother tried to break them up and after that left their summer house and town where Noah lived, she hid all the letters from Allie that Noah was writing her. Many years later Allie was a nurse and met a well off guy who was in the army that she was tending to. Her and the guy got engaged. Then she saw a photo of Noah in the newspaper because he was building a house and she went to see him. Needles to say they realised they were still madly in love. The fiance turned up and he was actually acting really chill and nice. He basically said that he knows Allie is in love with someone else and he's not going to stand in the way of that. In real life it's very rarely like that. Your ex is married and has children, she has a family. It's not a romantic movie where if her husband found your messages with her, he's just going to be totally fine with it. There's really no way he'd be like: "No problem hun, go and be with the other guy and be happy, all the best". Obviously her husband would be extremely hurt and angry about it and she would have so much to deal with. I doubt that she had no feelings for this man or anything like that. If she had been thinking of you then she probably would have reached out to you first instead of getting serious with and marrying the other guy. On your end as well you actually chose your other ex over her. I find it a bit hard to believe that you only picked the ex because she kept bombarding you with messages. I mean, it's very easy to block your ex on everything and never hear from them again. Instead you decided to leave the girl who you claim is your soulmate and return to the ex. To me it seems that at the time you actually did think that you wanted to be with your ex and not the other girl. Also if she was pregnant from you, you were nearly parents together but you left her after miscarriage and chose someone else. I'm not sure what happened there exactly but sounds like you didn't feel she was "the one" at that time. When she lost the baby you could have stayed with her and tried for another one, but you didn't. I understand it's very hard sometimes to let go of the notion of "the one who got away". It was a fairly new thing for you and in a sense you never got to see where it could have gone. You regretted your decision but sometimes we make a decision we thought was right at the time. To me a large portion of this seems to be coming from the fact that you haven't found anyone else in twelve years. And because this girl reached out, you're now thinking that she could be "the one". It's hard to know though whether you could actually work together because you were together only five months and that's the "honeymoon phase". So it's just hard to know if you're actually compatible in the long run. Like, when all the initial butterflies wore off, were you still going to be a good match? Also, how old is this woman? You're 43, is she your age? You say you want to have kids but she already has kids. If she's in her 40's then first of all biologically it might be more difficult for her to have a baby. I don't know how many kids she has but if she has 2 - 3 then she might not want any more. Also if you were with her, you'd have to be like a stepfather role to the children. The ex husband would still need to be in the picture because he's the kids' father. So this is what I mean that it's not just a romantic movie and in reality there are a lot of obstacles and problems here. Also I actually don't think it's a good sign that her husband is having family troubles or something and he's feeling depressed and she starts hitting on you out of the blue. I think that says something about her character. When you marry someone, you're supposed to be there for them in good times and bad times. Her husband is going through a difficult time and it's hard for her so she just goes and looks for someone else. Imagine if she was your wife and she did the same to you. I mean, it's been 12 years and she's only reached out to you just now. Sounds like she's having some problems in her marriage so she's decided to find a distraction and shoulder to cry on in another man. Just because she wants an escape doesn't mean she's truly in love with you. If she's truly been thinking about you all that time then why had she never contacted you? And in all fairness you never contacted her either. Doesn't really seem like if two people love each other that they'd never contact each other in twelve years?

I'm sorry but I think you actually don't have much introspection. I'm not saying you need to change who you are and obviously you can't just change your personality. Maybe you mean well and some of your behaviours do come from a good place. I think a few posters have picked up on the fact that you sound like a stubborn and opinionated person. I also do actually get the sense that you can be condescending but I think you don't realise you're doing it. I have a friend who I've written about on the forum before and we used to be pretty close. She has a really strong personality and is very blunt and opinionated. She actually thinks the same thing as you that it's fine to keep giving your opinions and commenting on everything because "you're allowed to have your opinion". Yes you are allowed to have an opinion. But you also have to realise that if you're strongly giving your opinions and they're judgemental or negative, it's not going to go down well with everyone. In regards to lady doctor prescribing psychiatric medications. I don't know about other countries but here in Australia general doctors do prescribe psych meds if they feel it's appropriate. I don't think that just because a general doctor isn't a psychiatrist that they literally have no idea about psychiatric medications. If lady doctor has been a doctor for a long time then she probably has had many patients with mental health struggles and has a lot of experience with it. You say you weren't trying to start an argument or anything, you were just giving your opinion. I think giving your opinion in that instance was undermining your girlfriend's competency and knowledge as a doctor. I think you need to understand that sometimes your opinions aren't actually asked for or appreciated. I also remember you writing some posts about your daughter and your ex-wife and how you were having conflicts with them. You wrote something like: "I'm annoyed my ex - wife and daughter don't recycle and don't listen to me. My ex- wife should be doing that because it's parenting 101". That really stood out to me and I even said this to you at the time. Some things are not "parenting 101" but they're just personal beliefs and ways of doing things. This is a very opinionated person thing to say. Usually opinionated people think that everything is: *My opinion* 101. In other words, my opinion is fact and gospel truth. When in fact maybe it's not and it's just subjective. To me it actually seems like you are in fact stubborn. I'm not saying lady doctor isn't, but she's not writing this post. There are examples in your posts of you being stubborn. Maybe not deliberately in the sense that you weren't literally thinking: "I need to be stubborn". It's an automatic thing. Like, you were asked to drive 35 miles but you consciously drove 39. You didn't think you should drive 35 so you didn't. That's actually what stubbornness is. Being asked to do something and you deliberately don't do it because you just don't agree with it.

I was literally thinking the same thing. You are listening to generic advice and analyses from these "online therapists". But it's actually not therapy because you're not actually talking to them. They don't know you or lady doctor and they are not speaking about your particular situation. I understand you might be in the denial stage of grief. But you don't seem to accept that lady doctor doesn't actually want to be with you and yes you are rewriting your own narrative. You said something like: "These online therapists seem to think that lady doctor and I can reconcile". They don't think that because they're not talking about your particular situation.

I don't think you should keep blaming the antidepressant medication. It's very common to take psychiatric medications or have some mental health struggles. A lot of people on psych meds who manage their mental health well have been in long term relationships. You've also been making posts about this woman basically right from the start. You were talking about your doubts and various issues and that was way before she changed her medication. I agree with you that she seems to be controlling and a micro manager. She shouldn't have been asking you to drive her car or help her if she didn't like the way you were doing things. On your end though, you seem to be opinionated as well and resistant to being asked to specifically do something. For example, you challenged her that she prescribes antidepressants to her patients and that she should send them to a psychiatrist instead. I understand you were just giving your opinion but she's an actual doctor and you aren't. She has a strong personality so obviously she didn't appreciate being challenged about her competence as a doctor. I think this is where you were rubbing her up the wrong way, because you were strong in your opinions and she's strong in her opinions as well. Also you said that you didn't slow down to 35 miles per hour because "most people wouldn't do it". The point is, SHE asked you to do it. You seem to me to be resistant to actually doing what you were asked. And she's the sort of person who wants people to listen to her and do what she asks. I'm not saying you have to do that 24/7. But if you were asked to slow down to the designated speed limit, why was that a problem for you? I honestly don't see how it was going to work because you both sound like mire dominant people. That's usually very likely to cause a clash. For example, I have an acquaintance that I used to be close friends with. Her personality is really dominant and blunt and opinionated. I have a stronger personality myself so we clashed really bad. But she's best friends with two of our friends who are quiet, more shy and introverted. She told me that she was talking to her psychologist and said: "I'm having issues with Tinydance. But I get along really well with our other two friends." And the psychologist was like: "Are they more passive?" And my friend was like: "How did you know lol" I think for friendships and relationships to work, people need to be a good fit. For example, if one person is super talkative and wants to dominate conversations, the other person needs to be more quiet and a listener. If someone is more dominant, the other person gas to be more submissive and agreeable. I'm not saying submissive in a sense that they're being abused. But in the sense that they're genuinely chill and it doesn't bother them to go along with things. E.g. If they were asked to drive the speed limit, they'd be like: "Cool, I'll drive the speed limit."

100% this

1. Because she wanted you to buy a house so badly for many years. You said it was really hard for you and you kept dragging your feet over and over and over. You only finally bought the house because she left and you wanted her back. While you were with her, you were taking her for granted and not bothering to buy the house. It would have been very sad for her that her children were staying away. Your previous place was only one bedroom so obviously they had nowhere to stay. You didn't include her in buying the house at all. In a relationship people need to make decisions together. You never made her part of any of your decisions. 2. You mentioned that you can be self absorbed. I think that's at the root of most of the problems. I understand you have PTSD but it actually is your responsibility to seek help for your PTSD. You need to be on medication and in intensive therapy. Your partner can be understanding (she was) but they are not your therapist. They aren't required to put all their own feelings and needs aside constantly because you have autism and PTSD. She's allowed to express that she's angry and she has full right to be. She doesn't have to say nothing and push all her feelings away just for your sake. Why is it that you're allowed to always talk about your PTSD and your struggles but she's notallowed to show her feelings? You need to understand that a relationship is a two way street. That means both people give and take. Here you just take but you don't give. Buying the house actually was for yourself because you didn't want her to leave. What pushed you to buy the house was that you were scared to be without your girlfriend. So it wasn't for her - it was mostly for you. She knows this so that's why she's angry.

Well I don't know you or her of course so I could be wrong...From your posts I actually get the impression that you have a strong personality as well and have strong opinions about how things should be done. I remember some of your previous posts about your ex wife, your daughter and this woman. To me it sounded like you also have some set ways you want things to be done and you're not happy if they aren't. That actually doesn't mean that you're a bad person but it's just simply who you are. People can have very different personalities and as you said, it's not right or wrong. It just is. I think what is meant by people clash is that they are both either too alike in behaviours or both people want things done their way. So if both people act strongly then neither of them is compromising so they disagree and argue. I think your ex was mentioning your incompatibilities because you actually are incompatible. It seems you wanted to work through that but maybe she didn't. Even though you were trying but a relationship needs to run smoothly and not always trying to work something out. I also agree that your ex probably has particular expectations about what she wants her partner to be like. It seems pretty clear that she doesn't want someone with long hair but she didn't understand that you just have to accept people as they are. Maybe she also prefers a more submissive man and you obviously aren't. There are some people with a very strong personality who like someone to agree with them a lot. And there actually are people who have a quiet and agreeable personality who might do that. But you aren't like that so she wasn't happy that you were giving your own opinions and standing your own ground.

Well I think unfortunately this woman is what you call high maintaince. You also mentioned that she's on antidepressants so obviously she's struggling with mental health issues. By the way, I'm not saying that to defend her at all but just saying she's a lot of work because you also have her mental health issues to deal with. To me she sounds like someone you might call a "control freak" or micro manager. Seems that she has very particular ways she likes things done and she won't accept any other way. I think if she was asking you to drive her car or do things for her then she had to be way more chill about things. If she didn't like how you do things then she needs to do it herself. It's as simple as that. Also even if she wanted to say something to you, it has to be in a polite and calm manner. She can't just act aggressive about it. I actually think it's a good thing that she broke up with you, even if it hurts right now. It doesn't really sound to me like your relationship was actually happy or healthy. I understand you meant fighting battles figuratively. But in this case it actually wasn't figurative, it was literal. You were actually fighting and arguing a lot on a regular basis. You had also been writing about this woman basically from the start. You were talking about various issues you were having from the beginning. I know you really liked her but it seemed you were trying to make the relationship work but it wasn't actually working. Like, it wasn't natural but you kept trying to discuss everything and come to a resolution. Which you do need to do in relationships but you shouldn't need to be doing that constantly.

You said: "I thought we could keep fighting the battles". That really stood out to me because it's actually not normal in a relationship to always keep fighting. I remember someone saying to me that a relationship is meant to be at least 80% good or something like that. Your relationship wasn't "mostly good". To me it actually sounds like it was mostly bad. Your ex was right that you were getting on each other's nerves. Fundamentally I think you didn't actually have what you call a natural click. I remember you writing that she wanted you to change things about yourself, your appearance, etc. And you even said that you began not to be yourself. However I just want to be fair and see both sides of the story. To me it actually sounds like you're both people who are more dominant and opinionated. So you were probably clashing for this reason. I actually don't think that your behaviour was necessarily totally great either. Do you mind me asking why you were driving her car a lot? Did you not have your own car? Or she just wanted you to drive her car because she prefers her car? I think because she wasn't your de facto partner or wife and you hadn't been together super long, the car and the beach house were "hers". When you're driving someone else's car, you do need to be respectful towards their car and their wishes. It sounds like she's got a bad temper and her communication style is kind of aggressive. But at the same time it sounded like you weren't actually that respectful towards her wishes about HER property. For example, here in Australia people are usually pretty law abiding and police do enforce road rules and speed limits. I understand countries can be different and in some countries people don't follow road rules much. My belief is that if you're driving someone's car and they ask you to follow speed limits, etc , you should respect that. To me it actually seems that you were kind of being passive aggressive. She asked you to slow down to 35 miles or whatever it was. But seems you deliberately only slowed down to 39 because you were annoyed and didn't like being told what to do. And you were like: "I know what I'm doing". Well yes maybe so but if there are actual speed limits and she asked you to follow them then why are you so resistant to doing that? Also did she actually ask you to help her fix up her beach house? It seems to me that you were always trying to help her which is nice. I know you had good intentions. But sometimes people actually don't want/need your help. If it's her property then in my opinion it's normal that she has the right to ask you to follow what she wants. If someone came into my house and started helping and I asked them to do something, I want them to be respectful. I don't want them to be like: "No I know what I'm doing". You probably do know but the issue is it's not your house. If I'm going to be honest, this would really annoy me as well. I hate people coming in and using my things or doing something with my house and then if I ask them not to do it, they're like: "No".

Well I don't think you should keep in touch with her at all probably because you don't particularly like her as a person. I don't think you could really be friends with someone you don't actually like. I think she was trying to get attention from you by saying her period was late, etc. She could have taken the pregnancy test first and checked but she was trying to reel you in. Do you think she's getting the message that you don't want to talk to her or see her? Like, if you don't answer her calls, does she call again? If she's not getting the message then I think you should probably just tell her politely that you lost interest. You didn't do anything wrong because your agreement was just sex and you stepped away when she said she has feelings for you. You aren't pursuing her at all so it's up to her to move on if she has feelings.

I'm not trying to be rude but to be honest I think you got too invested in this guy. If you met him on online dating, there are lots of people there who won't meet for whatever reason. It's so common to be talking to people on dating apps and then they don't meet coz they're meeting other people, they lost interest, they were a catfish, etc, etc. That happened to me many times and I just forgot about those people pretty quickly. There are a lot of flakes and time wasters on online dating. I know this might sound bad but if you never met then you should just view that person as a stranger/random. Unfortunately you might come across this a lot so you can't get invested.

In what way did you feel uncomfortable? I mean if you really felt uncomfortable it's OK to go if you really don't want to be there. If it was something like the bed was uncomfortable, well unfortunately that becomes part of dating someone. You start staying at their place and maybe at first you feel unsettled or there's more noise or something but if you want to date them you would need to work around it. To me it would seem that you're not interested because you randomly just decided to leave very late. Like if you really liked this guy then you'd need to show him you liked him. Leaving suddenly isn't actually showing that. You actually don't seem to feel that bad about it and seemed shocked he was hurt by it. If you were texting him afterwards with the same tone I think he'd have picked up that you didn't feel bad. Doesn't actually sound like your apology came across as that sincere.

I personally think you need friends your own age and to actually try to date someone. It seems to me that you want sex and romance but I agree Thu guy Tom is just using you. I understand you're autistic but that doesn't mean you can't have friends. You're 40 and sounds like you're way too attached to your parents. Autistic or not, you would be better off to build this kind of closeness with your peers. It's just not healthy to feel guilty that you don't disclose every single thing you do to your parents. Do they grill you or you just feel like you have to tell them everything?