Tinydance

I think basically if you continued the affair with this guy, you'd just be wasting your time. I don't think he would leave his partner for you. It sounds like they've actually been together for at least a few years. The story he told you that he only stayed because she got pregnant sounds pretty fake to be honest. I mean, even if he was only with her for the kids, he doesn't actually have to do that. I think it doesn't matter why he's staying with her, he's making the choice to do so. My best friend had a four year affair with a guy in a relationship. She was really in love with him and she was absolutely devastated and crying all the time. When she finally ended it, she met her husband. They've been together for 15 years and have kids. I think if you continued the affair then you'd just be closing yourself off to meeting other guys.

When you say he has a "wandering eye", can you give some examples? I know this means different things to different people. For example, some women consider it cheating if their boyfriend watches porn or follows a model's or female celebrity's social media. So I'm just trying to see what he's actually done that you consider to be "wandering". Does he say "in a relationship with Snoopy219" on his social media? Does he upload photos of you often? I wouldn't consider not tagging you actually hiding you. I mean, if he uploads photos with you then everyone can see you with him. Also I wouldn't just assume anything and would ask him first why he doesn't tag you. It might be because he doesn't really think anything of it. Maybe it just didn't cross his mind.

It does sound from your posts that you have low self esteem. You said you're worried you wouldn't be able to say no to this guy. You don't actually have to kiss anyone or have sex with anyone if you don't want to. I must say though that I don't really understand your motives to continue talking to this guy. Do you not have many friends? I mean, this guy actually lives in another country. So even for friendship, it's not like you can hang out together, or at least very rarely. Also, you very clearly know that he didn't just want to be friends. In the very least he wanted sex. It's creepy to touch someone sexually who is sleeping or passed out. I think if you weren't actually into that guy then that was the point where you should have stopped hanging out or communicating with him. I have a lot of friends so if I just met a guy who wants to have sex and I don't want to, I wouldn't really bother to keep in touch. I have some male friends but they don't try to have sex with me. So I can just be friends with them and I don't need a male "friend" who has other agenda. I'm not saying that you actually have to have sex with him but I think there was no point booking the same Air b n B together. I think that was giving him the impression you'd have sex because you're actually staying in the same place. I don't really see why you need this guy at all. Unless you're lonely or not meeting other guys for dating? If you want to catch up with people or go on a trip then why don't you just go with your friends or family?

Actually I do think that going through your partner's phone when they're asleep is a big deal. I have never gone through any of my partner's phone and I would not be OK with them doing it. It's even worse than they're doing it for no reason and you haven't cheated or done anything wrong in any way. It's also not OK to read your diary. Your boyfriend does sound controlling. You said something along the lines of that you wish things would be different and you'd have a good life together. Well, the thing is you can't change people. If he doesn't want to clean his apartment, have goals or stop using drugs and alcohol, this is who he is. You're whining because he's just not the person you want him to be. I think you'd be better off to find someone more compatible that you don't keep nagging or fighting with. It sounds like your personalities actually clash. He's not just going to magically change or get a new personality.

Well what you can do is all of your family can block her on all forms of social media and also block her number. If she comes to your MIL's house again or yours then you can try to get a restraining order on her. However I'm actually not sure that you could do anything about her coming to the gym due to the fact that it's actually a public place that everyone is allowed to go to. I mean, it does seem clear why she's there but you can't get her banned from a public place unless she's displaying bad behaviours at that particular place. Could you just go for jogs outside or something rather than going to the gym?

I get the sense that you're blaming this woman a lot more for the affair than your husband. But they're both equally at fault. Also if your husband started going to a new gym then how did this woman find out where the gym is? To be honest I'm not really buying the story that it's only this woman going after your husband. If he really completely blocked her then how would she know what gym he went to? He probably told her where it was.

To be honest I think this guy is telling you a lot of bs. How long has he been with his partner? At least two years right? And you said he has kids plural. Not just one child. I find it hard to believe that even if he got a girl pregnant by accident, that he then stayed with her for a few more years and also had more children with her. If he wasn't actually into her at all then he would have probably been careful to use protection. Instead he had more kids with her. I actually think he is into her or he just doesn't mind being with her and doing what he's doing on the side. It doesn't sound like he has any intention of leaving her. It's been two years and he hasn't done it. It's not that hard to end a relationship with someone you're not into. Especially if the children are toddlers or they're small. They might not even fully understand what happened. He doesn't need to be with his partner to be a Dad to his kids. In any case, even if he's not into his partner, he is choosing her and his children over you. By not leaving her, he is actually making a choice. And it's not you.

Well you're obviously not smoking weed because weed can make you very hungry lol

Solid advice

Well since you're not asking about advice about drugs, let's leave drugs out of it. I don't think you did anything wrong and you don't have to feel bad that you talked to male friends. If they are really just your friends then you are allowed to have friends. Also you only called them on the phone and didn't see them in person, right? If your boyfriend goes to the gym with a female and also used to see his ex, he has no right to tell you that you can't talk to guys. He is doing the same thing! I don't understand why you need to tell him about every time you talk to friends. I talk to my friends often and I don't need to tell my partner every time.

What do you like more about your wife's sister than your wife? I mean, if she's her twin she looks the same or similar to your wife? Lol

I'm really sorry you're hurting 😞 I think it's understandable that you can't just shrug it off if you really fell for this person. I can relate to you because I was madly in love with some of my ex's who didn't actually share my life goals or values. I know it sucks but in all honesty some people we love actually aren't right for us. Love is an involuntary feeling but just because we feel it doesn't mean the other person feels the same or is compatible. I want to add as well that it sounds like you actually didn't accept your ex's choice not to have kids. When someone tells you they don't want kids, that's their decision. You were asking if it's for any genetic reasons and trying to say you'd accept it. You said: "He'd be a good Dad". Yes maybe he would but you need to remember that this is his CHOICE. It's not actually up to you to convince him. Having kids is such a huge thing and if he knows he doesn't want them then it's not fair to push it on him. There doesn't need to be any reason like genetics or anything else. He's allowed to just not want them.

I think the fact he basically ended the marriage over this is quite over the top. If there was nothing going on with you and that friend and no signs of anything then this is very overboard. He basically said "me or him" and that's not fair. I think men and women can be friends if they're not attracted to each other. I know maybe it's rare but not every single man is into every single woman. Also I'm not sure if I'm just saying this as someone who didn't succeed at having long romantic relationships lol But all my relationships only lasted about 1.5 - 2 years and some of my friendships with my male friends or acquaintances lasted like 10 - 20 years. What if I got rid of the friends and after two years it was over with my partner? Then I wouldn't have any of them in my life.

Well bottom line is that for some reason your husband just didn't trust you from the get go. That is unfortunate.

I feel like I could have written this post lol This is exactly how I feel.

This 100%

Sorry but I think we need to make a differentiation when someone is feeling insecure in themselves, and when they're feeling insecure for a good reason. For example if I see my partner flirting with other women. Or commenting on other women's social media photos: "You're gorgeous, you're sexy, etc." then yes it makes sense why I'd feel insecure. But if my partner said he got a coffee on his lunch break with a female colleague and I asked to look through his phone, I don't think that's OK. I mean, just because he grabbed a coffee with someone at work doesn't just automatically mean he's into her or something is going on. I think it depends on the situation. Personally I'm not a fan of going through your partner's phone in general. I think if you're noticing signs your partner might be cheating or flirting with others, then best to break up with them. I don't think going through their phone would change the fact they're doing it. And if you don't notice anything then why do you need to go through your partner's phone? If someone is just feeling insecure for no reason then it's actually their issue.

I think you need to remember though that your therapist at the end of the day is just a person and they have their own opinions. To me it actually seems that your therapist isn't just listening and being impartial, but they're actually telling you what to do. I don't think therapists should do that. I mean, if this is what YOU wanted to do that's fine. But I think they were pushing their own personal opinion. To me that doesn't seem that professional.

Well I think it just comes down to what every individual wants to do. For example, if my partner said "Don't hang out with or talk to your male friends", I personally wouldn't do it. I need a partner who will accept that I have some male friends. I mean, most of my friends are actually female or gay guys anyway. There are some people though who will do what their partner asked them to do. I guess it also depends on how much someone values their friendships and how long they've known the friends. I guess if I met a guy at a friend's party or something and he added me to social media and started messaging a lot. If my partner didn't like it, I'd probably be happy to stop messaging or even delete the guy from my social media. That's because he'd be basically a stranger I just met. But I wouldn't stop talking to my male friends that I've known for years. Personally I don't think you need to just do what your partner wants it's one of those things where it's subjective. I think for example having opposite gender friends or watching porn is personal opinion which may differ from individual to individual. There are people who don't want their partner to watch porn and will tell them to stop. Or will tell their partner not to have opposite gender friends. I don't think you have to stop doing it if you don't want to but you just need to find a partner who is OK with it. Again, I'm not saying your partner has to accept it if you cross boundaries. E.g. Stay the night at a male friend's house or constantly message a male friend.

I totally agree with this. I know this post wasn't about polyamory, but I actually somehow ended up making a lot of polyamorous friends. In the big city where I live polyamory seems more common. The reason why I'm mentioning it is because I realised from my polyamorous friends that what's important is to date people who share your views and beliefs on what dating and relationships should be like. For example, polyamorous people are fine with their partner dating other people because they're also dating others, and they both agree with this. I think it's the same thing with having friends of the opposite gender. My personal belief is that it's fine to have friends of the opposite gender, as long as nothing romantic or sexual is actually going on. And as long as you're honest to your partner about those friends and you don't act like you're dating them. E.g. You're not doing things which cross into dating territory. For example, staying at their house, going out often for dinner, movies, trips away. Or if you are doing those things, then you do it as a group and also invite your partner. I have a couple of close male friends. One of them I've known for 12 years and one for about 8 - 9 years. They're very good friends of mine and one of them is actually part of my whole friendship group. So to be honest, I wouldn't get rid of them if my partner asked me to. Also getting rid of one of them would mean I wouldn't really be able to hang out with my whole group of friends, as we often all spend time all together. I also have a few male friends who are not as close and quite a few male acquaintances. All my partners also had female friends and it didn't really bother me. I guess even if I did feel jealous, I didn't act on it and didn't really say anything. I wasn't jealous of most of the female friends and maybe only rarely if they were attractive or something lol In my opinion it's fine to go for lunch with your male colleague at work if it's really just platonic. I'm pretty sure I've done that in the past and I've seen other colleagues do it. I think the important thing is just to act appropriate and not overstep boundaries. Like, not starting to text that colleague all the time, go out every weekend, stay out late together etc. If you just get lunch or coffee on your lunch break at work and speak occasionally outside of work, I don't see the problem. Having said all that, I think that not everyone is fine with this and people can have different views on it. I've seen people range from actually asking their partner to delete every single opposite gender person from their social media, to being very chilled about it. I think that if you're dating someone who doesn't share your views on this, it's most likely not going to work out. In my case, if someone I was dating asked me to get rid of my make friends, I'd need to get rid of them instead lol But another woman who doesn't have many male friends or doesn't really care might comply with what their partner wants. Also there are women who don't want their partner to have opposite gender friends so they probably don't want any either.

I think number 4. Just my personal approach is to be straight to the point. I guess you don't have to say you're madly in love with her, you think about her constantly, etc. You could say you've had feelings for her for quite a while and you haven't been able to get over them. So even though you really value your friendship, you simply can't keep being friends. I think if you start slow fading her, she might be wondering what's going on and what she did wrong. I don't think you can really slow fade a close friend. I think if it's a close friend you owe them an explanation if you want to end the friendship. It's not your fault you fell in love with her. You can't help how you feel. But I just don't think continuing to be friends with her will do you any good.

I'm sorry this happened with Cyrus and I agree it's very disappointing. It sucks when you liked someone and thought they were your friend, but they don't feel the same. It doesn't sound from your post like you actually did anything wrong. I think what Cyrus meant when he said that "he's not himself around you" is just that there's no click or connection. Well, at least he's not feeling it. Unfortunately this is actually quite common in life. Not just at university, but in general. You're not going to click with all the people you meet and not everyone will with you. It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you but that person just doesn't feel that you're connecting. Usually people just don't say anything and just slow fade you. But I guess Cyrus wanted to be honest and tell you how he really feels. It's understandable you're hurt but I think you were "putting all your eggs in one basket". I'm sure there are many students in your course at university. Also many other students on campus that you can meet through different clubs or activities you can join at university. Cyrus isn't the only person there that you could be friends with. Also there are still many other people even outside of your university you could make friends with. When I was finishing my university course, I was actually older because I took many years' break from it. I was about 27 - 28 years old and most people in my classes were your age. They preferred being friends with younger people so I didn't really have friends in my actual course. Well, maybe a few people but not close friends. I actually joined some activity clubs at university and joined a "mature age students" club. I met quite a few good friends through that. I'm actually still friends with some of them 10 + years later. I also did a lot of things outside of university and had many other friends. So it didn't bother me that I didn't have friends in my course, I was just there to do my work. Also I'm not saying this to discourage you from making friends at university. But once you finish the course, you're out of there. You might make some long lasting friends but you also might lose touch with most of them. I did two community college courses and one university degree. I used to hang out with all these people while in the course but after it finished, we just drifted apart. I think that's actually pretty normal. Same with all the jobs I had. I'd hang out with people at work, then if I left the job I lost touch with most of them. I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't put so much pressure on yourself to have friends at university. There are also many other places to make friends. You will also make friends as you go along in life. E.g. at work, through other people, through parties. Some of those people will stay in your life and some won't. I'm a very outgoing person and I just live my life but I don't put pressure on myself to make friends. Basically all my friends I made by accident but I wasn't really looking.

Well I think since there isn't 100% proof he actually had sex, it's not really possible to say he definitely did it. I think the fact he lied that she slept on the couch does point to maybe something happening but all I'm saying is there isn't actual proof. If he keeps saying he didn't have sex then I think the only option is to either believe him or just end the relationship. I think he probably needs to answer some questions. Like for example why was the woman staying at his place and not in a hotel? Why was she sleeping in his bed? I mean yeah this does point to something going on at least in the sense that maybe he was into her in some way or potentially wanted to have sex.

Well I do find it weird that even if this woman came to visit him, that she actually stayed at his house and even in his bed. I do have opposite gender friends and I would be open to meeting an online male friend. I actually have a couple of close male friends in real life so I don't think I'd see it as a big deal that it's a male. If let's say the male friend was staying in my city more than one night, I would recommend that he get an Air b n B or hotel. I guess if it was only one night then maybe I'd say he could stay with me but sleep on my fold out couch. I would feel awkward to be in bed with a male who I actually never met in person before. The other thing I find odd is he's saying he doesn't remember if they kissed or not. Was he under the influence of any substances? If he wasn't then surely he should remember something big like kissing someone? Considering you've been with your boyfriend for two years, I think now it just boils down to how YOU feel. People can have different ideas about dating and relationships so that's individual to you. I know for example there are some people who firmly only want to date one person at a time. Or there are people who will date multiple people until they become exclusive with someone. For example, a few years ago I was dating a guy for a few weeks and weren't exclusive. Then I met another guy (my ex- fiance) and I started liking him. So I started dating him a bit and I liked him more than the other guy so I ended it with the other guy. Also for example my best friend was just seeing a guy for six weeks but it wasn't exclusive and she was seeing someone else as well. As I said though, if you are the sort of person who wants to date only one person at a time then maybe you and your boyfriend actually have different values and dating styles. But nonetheless he should have told you the truth because you actually asked about that woman. If he slept in the same bed with her then why did he say she stayed on the couch? I think even if he did anything with her then he should have told you, especially because you actually asked him about it directly. Have you noticed anything else in the last two years that points to him cheating? If you haven't then personally I would probably let it go. I mean, unfortunately you have only two options. One is to "forgive" him and move on, and one is to end the relationship. Because this has already happened there just isn't an option to take it back. So I think you need to make a decision and stick to that decision.

I'm sure she knew you liked her. I think maybe she liked the attention she was getting from a much younger man. I mean, that's pretty flattering. But maybe when she realised you were getting pretty attached and you were getting very close, she thought it was too much. She probably prefers to date someone her own age unfortunately.