Tinydance

Well I think this is definitely not a good situation for you. You are the "loser" in this situation. I don't actually mean loser as in jerk. I mean you are the one losing out in this situation. Your girlfriend gets to have everything. She gets to have her husband and kids, go on holidays together, go to family functions, etc. But you are actually being treated as the "side guy." I. e. You are not a part of her life. You haven't met her kids or her friends and family. You don't come to any events as her date. I'm guessing her husband does. I think you need to draw the line somewhere. It's already been two years and she hasn't left her husband. I would say it's not that likely she would actually leave him based on the time frame. I'd say the longer she doesn't leave her husband, the more it will become obvious that she doesn't actually WANT to leave him. I suggest you give her an ultimatum that she either leaves her husband, or it's over. And you need to stick to that. You are getting hurt and I don't think you're getting anything out of this at the end of the day.

So is this girl just someone you met on the Internet but you never met in person? Did you ever video call her or call on the phone? I think if you never even spoke to her apart from messaging online, you actually have no idea who this even is. I don't think you can know that she's "sweet". She could literally be anyone. She could be a 50-year-old man for all you know. I think you need to be very careful that this is not a catfish. As bare minimum, you need proof that this girl is who she says she is. If you did actually video call her and proved who she was, I guess yes you can like her. But you can't love someone that you never met or dated. You could be attracted to her and like what you know of her, sure. I think you came on too strong and were too full-on. Even if she liked you but she probably didn't think she loved you. Maybe she was being more realistic about it and thought it's not normal you said you loved her.

Well, it's a difficult question because I think it's personal. Do you mind me asking why you chose not to tell your loved ones about it three years ago? Do you suffer from mental health struggles? I think at the end of the day it's always your choice. But here are some things to think about: If you have mental illness and/or had gone through trauma in life, I don't think that's something that's just going to go away. I know you're doing well/are in recovery. But in my opinion if you struggle with this, it's always good to get as much support as you can. That's why suicide call lines exist. Even if you talk to a complete stranger, sometimes just telling someone and having a listening ear really helps. I also think that even if you don't have a plan to kill yourself, even if you have those dark thoughts it's good to talk to someone. I understand your hesitation because you might be worried it'll put stress on your loved ones. Like, they'd be thinking "Will Jack kill themselves?" But I think it's also good for them to know to look out for you in case they see the signs.

Well the problem is I don't know how you can stop your mother from pushing you to be Mormon. Have you asked her to stop? The other thing is I don't think you should be coming to your mother to make your siblings clean the house. You should be telling them to do it.

Telling someone you like them is very far from being blown up by a bomb! If you're avoiding a bomb that's smart. In the other instance you're just scared/chicken.

What is your financial situation? Can you move out? I agree with you that it's not right that your mother is forcing you to be religious. You are an adult and religion is a personal thing. She's allowed to follow her religion but she can't push other people to follow it. Unfortunately I think this is the price you have to pay for continuing to live with your mother. This is why I moved out at 23 because I couldn't live with my Mum either. She's not religious but she pushed other things on me which were just her opinions and nagged me. There are some people who have expectations if you live in their house. Like, if they're vegetarian or vegan, you don't eat meat in their house, etc. In this case it seems your mother has an expectation you will be Mormon.

If you want to know if she "likes" you, most likely yes. But there are different ways that you can like someone, as some posters pointed out. You can just find someone attractive and overall like them as a person. E.g. You get along. That doesn't mean you have feelings for them or you see yourself as dating them. That's why some people have FWB. They like that person fine, they find them attractive. But they don't actually want to date them, for whatever reason. You can also like someone's attention and find it flattering. But not want to date them. Or you can like someone romantically where you have feelings for them. I think yes she likes you but could be any if these or others.

This 100%

It's just my personal opinion but I don't think age matters too much if the person is 30 + years old. First of all of course the person needs to be of legal age. I think if someone is 18 and someone is 40 - 50 then yes that's probably weird. Because that's a teenager so they're quite young and impressionable. So it probably comes across as that the adult is taking advantage. Even if legally they aren't. I'm pretty sure OP actually did say their ages. He said he's about 30 and the woman 29 years older. I think because he's 30, he's more mature and understands what he really wants and what he's doing. If he really likes this woman and she feels the same I don't see too much problem. It's hard to find someone with good connection. If you found someone 30 years older and you strongly click then I think it's better to give that a chance than be with people your own age who you aren't that into.

Honestly I think because you're doing nothing you'll probably miss the boat. Just because she's older doesn't mean there are no guys that would date her. She'll probably meet someone else and then you won't ever actually know if she liked you. I do see some signs that she doesn't view you as purely a friend only. If I totally friend zoned a guy like a buddy or brother figure then I would not send him bikini photos or talk about my bra etc. I would only send it to guys I at least found attractive. I think you're expecting too much to just know if she likes you or not. That would require either you or her to tell the other person they like them. I don't think people ever just 100% know. When someone asks someone out, they hope the person liked them but they don't actually know until that person gives the answer. Sorry to sound harsh but you sound like you're just coming up with more and more excuses. And also seemed like you were expecting total strangers on the internet to somehow know if thus woman likes you? We really couldn't actually help you with that because we don't even know her.

Well I guess the problem is that she's now with the other guy. It's hard to know if she's only settling for him but if she's not single you can't really go after her. I would feel terrible if I was dating someone and their ex was pursuing them. If you find out through your mutual friends that she became single then you could let her know how you feel. But would be up to her to decide if she wants to give you another chance. Even with my ex, I wasn't wiry anyone else for a while but I just didn't want to get back together with him. Continue working on your sobriety which is a great thing! Even if you don't get your ex back, if you're sober you may find another relationship.

I don't think anyone can read anyone's mind though! So you realised this woman is special to you. Yes you could be rejected but you actually can't go through life without being rejected. Personally I would tell her, but that's just me. I mean you are writing here about it so you're obviously contemplating maybe telling her? Otherwise I don't think you would have written this post if you truly just wanted to do nothing.

I remember all your previous posts. I get the sense that for some reason you can't say no to your girlfriend? I remember you saying very clearly that you didn't want your girlfriend's friend and daughter living with you. You thought the daughter was a rude bratty teenager and you didn't think it would work out. Which is exactly what happened! But for some reason you felt like you couldn't say no? Why? This is also your home, you own it. Also you are a couple so to me it makes sense not to have other people in the house? In particular the mother, as she wouldn't be contributing financially. I understand that in some cultures it's very customary to take care of elderly parents. However you have been living in the US and there I don't think it's common to have your parents living with you. I think you've already been very accommodating that her mother stays with you for six months at a time. I don't see why she actually has to live with you. I guarantee you that if you're not getting along with the mother, it's not going to go well. At all. Your girlfriend already ended the friendship with her friend but she won't just drop her mother. So quite likely it's you who would have to go. Just be more assertive and stop agreeing to everything that you don't actually want to agree to. Say the mother is welcome to keep visiting but she can't live with you. If she stays for six months that's literally half a year. That's already very generous as it is!

Well I think the first thing to do would probably be to stop dating this friend. He's in love with you but you don't actually feel the same. You probably weren't even really into him but you just "jumped" to him because your marriage wasn't going well. I'm actually not sure if you should give your husband another chance. I think that not having all the same hobbies isn't necessarily a problem. Relationships are about compromise so it should be that you do both your hobbies. Like, try to do and take an interest in what each other like. I also don't think that just because he got a new job that he should have been neglecting you. Most people have a job and it doesn't get in the way of their relationship. I would recommend just taking some time to yourself and being single. You seem to be rushing into things without thinking about it much. Obviously you broke up with your husband for particular reasons and the marriage wasn't really working. I suggest you don't just immediately go to your husband but be on your own and really think about it.

It's not an issue that you like her, but aren't doing anything about it. What the issue probably is you're not OK with that. If you were OK with it, you wouldn't have written 13 pages here about this woman. I don't think you're actually fine with just being friends. You want more so badly but you're too scared.

Yeah I agree with this. Also you are too scared to tell this woman how you feel and that's why you've been stuck in this complete limbo for so long. If you had the courage to tell her, at least you'd get somewhere. Either you'd date her if she was interested, or at least have closure and look for other women. How do you think you'll ever find someone if you don't actually do anything?

I don't think it's actually genuine to keep pushing you to date when you weren't ready. Also pushing to pay your bills and loans. A genuine person would just want to get to know you in a normal way and see how it goes.

I don't think that she's supposed to say: "I'm not interested in a relationship" because you've actually never told her you like her in any way. You flirted a bit but you never actually said anything directly. Whether it be for a relationship or for sex or anything more than friendship. You've actually made no move on her. Yes it would make it easier on you if she just told you the answer but why should she just do that out of the blue? You've never said anything specific to her so she doesn't know you have feelings for her. Even if you flirted a bit, she might just think you were horny or had no other women you were talking to or something like that. The thing is that people flirt for various reasons so she might have no idea what you feel. Just like you don't actually know how she feels. Personally if a guy never directly said anything to me except some mild flirting, I wouldn't just blurt out: "I want/don't want a relationship with you". Like, that's a bit presumptuous?

You are not reading too far into it. In fact you should be reading a lot more into it because something is very, very wrong here.

Well to be honest, it sounds a bit like you're making yourself out to be the victim, but that's not entirely the case. A lot of these things that are going on are actually your choice as well. I definitely agree with you that your boyfriend sounds very dodgy and emotionally abusive. But you can't actually say that he FORCED you to be in this relationship or forced you to take his money. Even though he was very pushy but I think a part of you actually wanted him to cover all your debts and you wanted to date him as well. Nobody can force you to be with them unless they actually kidnapped you and are holding you hostage. You are 25 years old so you are an adult. Sorry to sound harsh but I think you need to take some responsibility for what has been going on as well. I think his behaviour was actually weird right from the start. You weren't even dating but he already said he was going to give you money and pay off all your debts and loans. Don't you think it's really strange that someone would want to do this for basically someone they just met? And yes absolutely it's manipulative to keep pushing you and enticing you with money when you were saying you weren't ready to date or have sex. And yes it's manipulative to keep saying he'll pay for everything but then actually lording it over you that he paid. Which was always HIS idea. There are A LOT of red flags here and something that is very, very off. I strongly doubt that ALL his family are so busy that they don't want to meet his partner of ten months. Who he also supposedly wants to marry! What he's saying is absolutely ridiculous and sounds fake. ALL his family are too busy just because they're married? So does that mean that married people never go anywhere or do anything? They can't meet you even for an hour or two? You're supposed to just meet them at the wedding? What!! I think you actually know how super weird this all sounds and that's why you made the post. My guess is he is actually not that rich, maybe he doesn't even have this business, since you've never seen it. Maybe he lies to his family a lot or lied to you about them a lot. It just sounds like he's telling a lot of lies and he's probably keeping everyone separate so that nobody finds out he's been lying. Honestly I just watched some true crime shows where the people were acting exactly like this. Lying a lot, sweeping you off your feet, pretending they were rich or powerful. When in reality they really weren't. Some of their partners or family tried to confront or expose them and they actually murdered those people to silence them. To me this all sounds like some kind of sociopath behaviour.

Well she's either just playing games with you, or she's actually into you in some way. I mean she's not five years old. She talks about bras, sends bikini photos. She's not stupid, she knows it turns you on. So she's either taunting you or she's sending you some kind of signals. So what if she rejects you? Then at least you know the truth.

You are analysing everything over and over and over. I think you should just tell her you like her. You've already written like 12 pages here so clearly you are not able to just move on and be friends. If she rejects you then you may need to pull back from the friendship because you actually have feelings for her. But if you keep going on as you are, you're not doing yourself any favours. You are obsessing over her, you're posting about her here more and more. Just bite the bullet and tell her.

I think you know the answer. Because often one person will develop feelings. In this case it's you.

To be honest he sounds like a compulsive liar. He seems to say a lot of things and make a lot of promises all the time and he hardly follows through on most of them. I do find it odd that after ten months you never met any of his friends or family or seen his shop. He says he wants to propose to you and yet he keeps you completely separate from his life. Sounds pretty suspicious. I understand he keeps saying he'll pay for things but it also sounds from your post that you began to feel entitled to him financially supporting you. You were saying things like: "I shouldn't have to be paying off my car loan because he said he would buy me the car". "He should have paid off my debt, etc." In all honesty I agree with Wiseman that this sounds more like a sugar Daddy arrangement. I mean if that's more what this is and he's not married then you're allowed to do whatever you want. But honestly it does sound like he's "buying" you in this relationship. He was already paying thousands for you before you were even dating or had sex. I don't understand why you want someone you don't really know paying for everything for you? You are an adult and if you didn't meet him then you'd be having to pay all those bills and loans yourself. Sounds like you've just begun to expect him to pay for everything and no offence but that actually is a sugar baby mentality. And yes he's not following through with most of what he says and that's probably proof that you shouldn't be relying on other people to support you financially. But in regards to your guy, he sounds quite dodgy and like a chronic liar. He shouldn't have to pay for you. But since he keeps saying he will and barely does, that makes him a liar. Also if he keeps throwing it in your face, he probably wants to have financial control over you. If you don't like it though then you need to stand on your own two feet and not keep taking his money. I'm getting a very strong liar/sociopath vibe from the way you described him. I've been watching true crime shows recently. In a few of the episodes there were guys just like your guy who kept saying they were rich and supposedly flashing their money around. But they actually weren't rich and the money they did seem to have, they actually borrowed from other people. So it was like a "Tindler swindler" ponzy scheme. Also when people found out they were liars and were going to expose them, they killed some of those people. Not saying your boyfriend will kill people but he definitely sounds dodgy.

Congratulations on being sober! I know it's really hard to fight addiction, so well done. I'm not minimising your success in fighting addiction. But to be honest, I think you're actually acting a bit up yourself. You're saying "I'm the best man for her". But why are you the best man for her just because you quit using substances? Someone not using substances is a bare minimum you can ask in a partner. Just because you now don't use them doesn't make you amazing or better than the other guy she's dating. I understand you still love her and that's why you're bad mouthing the other guy. But maybe she hasn't actually just settled for him, maybe she actually really likes him. It's not up to you or your friends to say who she should be dating. If she likes him then that's her choice. To be honest, sometimes you can just have enough of your ex using and you're just over it and check out of the relationship. My ex-fiance kept using drugs and I just got so sick of it and couldn't deal with it anymore. I still loved him but the damage was already done. Honestly, even of he got clean and came to me later, I was already checked out. Like, I moved on and the door was closed, if that makes sense. I think the only thing you can do now is continue your sobriety journey. If she changes her mind, great. But there is a high chance that she actually won't. Please respect that she found someone else and let her live her life.