Hello. This may be a long post, but please bear with me. I have been struggling with some things in my relationship and am really hoping some insight could help and if anyone has heard of or gone through anything similar..
Let me preface by saying I really, truly and deeply care for and love this man. I am 25(F) and he is 33(M) and we have been dating for 10 months.
I had a really bad breakup last year in July. My man was well aware of this, (he had followed me on IG and FB for at least a few years before this. I don’t ever remember meeting him in person, but he would always respond to my stories periodically throughout these years. Pretty persistent I’d say lol. He was never weird or creepy. Would just compliment me and ask if I would like to go get coffee or something with him sometime). I go through my breakup, and he was by my side the entire time. The first time I met him in person, he had me come to his house and I told him I was only comfortable doing that if he came out and sat in my car with me. I did not want to go into his house and I made that clear. He got in my car, and after a couple minutes, he told me I should just come inside cuz my car’s vibrations (it was an old car, wasn’t in the best shape lol) was annoying him. (He is a “car guy”). So I just sat on the far end of his bed, and talked. I didn’t feel very good in this situation, he didn’t seem too engaged and wasn’t very helpful in his rebuttals. He also made a comment of “well you could be a Twinkie tonight” or something like that (cuz I had an IUD at the time and he knew this) and I kind of just brushed it off cuz men are pretty stupid a lot of the time and he said he was just joking. Anyways, he kept trying to offer to help me pay for things, he offered to put me up in a place of my own and he’d pay for everything, he offered to pay off my debt, etc. I refused all his help for quite some time and he’d keep offering. (He apparently makes very good money. He is a painter and has every cert for trade work. He also has his own auto shop where he paints cars, and his buddies work with him and do other work like body work, fabrication, etc). I was pretty blunt with him, and I told him from the get-go that I had no interest in getting into another relationship anytime soon, and please don’t offer to do things for me if you’re just going to throw it in my face later and use it against me. He said he was only offering to help because he thinks I’m a good person and I deserve it. So eventually, I accepted his help. I had a 10k personal loan, so he offered to pay it all. I said no, but you can pay off my credit card debt (almost $3k). He followed through and paid that for me which was very kind and I honestly didn’t think he would do it. He fixed my car for me at one point, he stayed outside as lookout for me when I helped a friend move out of her place from her abusive boyfriend. He did some very nice things for me, and all without getting any play from me. He eventually talked me into spending an evening with him at a hotel room, and I told him I didn’t really want to have sex cuz I just wasn’t in that place yet. That didn’t happen and he proceeded to go through with that almost the entirety of the time I spent with him at the room. The next day, I was pretty upset and I told him I didn’t appreciate that cuz I told him what I was comfortable with, and he didn’t respect that and it seemed he was trying to push things on me I wasn’t comfortable with. So he kept apologizing and kept saying he’d fix it and make it up to me, and he set up a day for us to go on an actual nice date. I ended up backing out cuz I just wasn’t comfortable. He has never tried to set up another nice date since then. We’ve been together for almost 10 months now.
Idk what really happened, but he started wearing me down and I developed feelings for him. He would send me cute relationship type posts all the time, he’d tell me how much he cares for me and how he feels for me everyday. It was sweet because I never really had that before. He doesn’t really do that kind of stuff anymore either.
He also got a suite for my birthday. I had a party, and it unfortunately did not go very well. I ended up being sick that night, and I threw up in the bed and he put me in the shower and I cleaned myself up. I was so extremely depressed during this time, and he knew this. I came back to bed, and he didn’t really console me at all. He didn’t even check on me in the morning, and he proceeded to have sex with me and then just rolled back over and didn’t say 1 word to me. He said it seemed I was throwing up blood, and he didn’t seem very concerned for me at all. He said my friends thrashed the room and left it a mess and he had to clean up after them. It was night and day difference in his behavior leading up to this day and thereafter, and he blamed this on the fact his mom was going through medical issues and she “was going to die” (she is perfectly fine and alive and well now). He also said he was going through a lawsuit with someone from his shop. He used these as excuses as to why he was not the same person he portrayed himself to be to me in the beginning.
I was going through a lot myself, I have no family where I live, so I’m completely on my own. I was living with some close friends (or so I thought they were) and the situation went bad, so I had to move yet again after moving out from my ex’s. My man did not help me move cuz he said he was busy working and busy with his mom. I moved in temporarily with another friend, and he said he’d move me out from there in a few months and we could move in together. This is where his promises and things he said he’d do, just seemed outlandish and he just would never follow through on anything.
He said he was going to pay off my 10k loan, but never did. He kept saying he would, then would just never follow through. He did show me wads of cash he supposedly gave to his family for Christmas tho. He also said he went and spent 700k on a house for us to move into, but he said the people selling it wanted 180 days to move out, so it was a limbo game for 2 months or more. He wouldn’t give me the address, so I reverse image searched the pictures he did send me, and found the listing on Zillow and the house was listed for 665k or something like that. I was able to set up a tour of the house, but he said they had accepted his offer and it did not reflect on this listing clearly. I confronted him about it, and miraculously, he said he pulled his offer and never heard anything about it since. He said he’d just get us into an apartment for the meantime, but he wanted a house cuz then that’s something that’s ours and not rented. My car was also giving me a lot of issues, so I was trying to sell it and get something else. He said he went and looked at an Audi, and all I said was “I thought Audis and VWs were unreliable” but I said ok, that’s cool. He said he bought a car off his friend, but they were taking it to get painted, and he said he paid for it before he even had it in his possession. I thought that was odd.. he supposedly had the car now (almost a month later after he supposedly paid for it) and was taking it to the DMV, and he said that the car isn’t behaving how he was told it would, so he’s giving it back to his friend. Then he told me to just go to a dealership and get a car and he’ll help me with it. He said he’ll match whatever I put down. He also said he’d give me the money he spent on this supposed car (Which he never did cuz he said he kept getting hit with identity fraud, which was also his reason for not wiring me the money for the loan a few months earlier as well). He also told me the reason why he never gave me the money for the loan, was because he was afraid I’d take it and run and never speak to him again. He told me that all the women he dated before treated him like a “wallet” and he’s been cheated on, etc. I told him it was fine if he didn’t want to give me the money anymore, but to just say that instead of leading me on and giving empty promises. We had lots of arguments and issues during this time, and usually in these arguments, he would always throw the things he did for me in my face. “Well I paid for the room and had to deal with your ***bag friends. I spent 3k to pay off your debt. I was gonna get you a car but you just said that it’s a piece of ***. I did this and I did that), and then it finally came time for me to move again, and he did not follow through on his word once more.
I thankfully had another friend that offered for me to move in with them, and it’s been a much better situation, however I was supposed to be moving in with my man. Apparently, his dad had him sell his old house (the one he was living in when I first met him), and screwed him out of that deal, so he felt bad and he and his mother went and bought a new build house for him (us). They also are very successful and make a lot of money. I have not met them yet. I have been inside their house (I told him I was not comfortable sneaking around in their house because he has had me come over there but hides me in his room and usually has me there when no one is home). He said that they said “we’ll meet her in due time” and he said they know everything and know what I look like and everything. Yet I have only met 1 of his friends and no one else. I also have never seen his shop, no pictures, nothing. He said it’s because they’ve had issues with being robbed and no one is allowed at the shop unless they are married to the people that work there. He is a very private person, he never really posts anything on his socials. It still bugs me though. He also said the house will be ready this upcoming December or January and we can move in.
My big issue here, is that I snooped on his iPad (I know I know, frowned upon) and I found a video in there that he recorded himself that was dated a month prior, and I went back in our conversation and it was right in between the time of me not hearing from him for about 2 hours that night. He also said he was at the shop the day and time this video was taken. It was a video of another woman’s lady bits. He had another video of what seemed to be the same woman maybe 2 months before that one. He also had a bunch of random raunchy, borderline porn saved in there. I confronted him about it, and he was very calm and said his iCloud has been messed up for a while. He said he even replaced his phone before because it kept messing up. He said he deletes things, and they pop back up after updates. He also said he purposely saved old videos and stuff for “blackmail purposes” because it’s one of his ex’s that has all of his bank and business information and she might be the one that kept getting him flagged with identity fraud. I thought that was odd.. he said he would delete everything, and I said that’s great, but why was it there to begin with.. I asked him to prove he was at the shop that night, and he still hasn’t. He said he has to have his friend pull the camera footage but it’s been almost 2 months and anytime I ask, he says “well I’m not gonna inconvenience him to go get that. He also said after he gets the proof for you, he doesn’t want to meet you cuz you don’t trust a solid ass dude like me after everything I’ve done for you”. He also said “really, you think I even have the time to *** off with a side piece of ass when I have it right here whenever I want. I barely have time for myself and I barely even get to see you. I have an amazing loving caring and freak mama woman right here. Why would I piss everything down the drain”. He does have a fetish with hosiery, and he always asks me to wear it almost anytime I see him. And the random raunchy things I found in his iPad were of that. He also doesn’t really seem to care about me getting my fill during sex either. He says he likes to go down on me, yet never does it. But he wants me to dress up, go down on him, and do all these things for him when he can’t even make sure I’m ready to go before he slams it in (which it can be dry and he’ll still force it in cuz he really doesn’t care about getting me turned on first..)
He did give me his phone password and said I can go through his *** whenever I want. He asked if I want to put a GPS tracker on him as well, and he said I can go through his iCloud every month when it updates when we live together if I want, but I don’t want to have to do any of these things. I also saw he still follows one of his ex’s, and he said none of them were good situations, and I saw he was liking all her pictures, and I confronted him and he said “oh, she’s gay and married now and she tattoos everyone in my family” and that was that.. I cannot confirm if that’s true cuz she doesn’t have any pics of another woman on her profile.
He has told me he went and bought a 19k engagement ring and plans to propose this year, and to get married next year and have kids in a couple of years.
He has met my brothers, and my brothers like him and think he’s cool and a good guy.
Yet he still has never taken me on a nice date. The most we ever do is get a room, and we never really go out and do anything. I enjoy quality time, and it doesn’t take a lot to make me happy. I just wish he would put in more effort and show more thoughtfulness.. and sometimes when I bring this up, he just brings up all the things he’s done for me. He has been helping me pay for my car payment (I ended up going and getting a new car) which is nice, but then again I wasn’t supposed to be in this position cuz he told me he’d take care of it.. he also is having health issues now and is telling me I can’t be stressing him out and arguing with him cuz it’s going to expedite the depletion of his health, and is now a new excuse to not do what anyone should do for their significant others simply because they want to.. he can’t do anything for me without seeming to be complaining about it.. But when I bring things up, it’s not to argue. He does seem to be trying to do better, but it makes me feel awful that I even have to ask for simple things like being called cute names, telling me mushy and thoughtful things, DOING thoughtful things..
I already had trust issues, but after finding what I found in his iPad, I am having a very hard time getting past it. I want to believe him so badly, but I am 50/50. It doesn’t make sense that someone would blow all this money on someone and spend almost a year with them just to mess around, but people do a lot of crummy things all the time for no reason at all. He swore up and down in the beginning that he was the man of my dreams and more, and he would treat me so amazing. Now I barely get any affection and he doesn’t do anything thoughtful at all. Anytime I bring anything up, he says something about me and my emotions in a negative way, and then always brings up all the money he has spent and then doesn’t really change his behavior at all, and now blames it all on his poor health as to why he can’t even meet me halfway but keeps saying “it’ll get better”.. Any insight would be helpful. Thank you 😕
