I need insight? Possible financial abuse? I am 25(F) and my bf is 33(M)

[Vinvinzz]

Hello. This may be a long post, but please bear with me. I have been struggling with some things in my relationship and am really hoping some insight could help and if anyone has heard of or gone through anything similar..

 

Let me preface by saying I really, truly and deeply care for and love this man. I am 25(F) and he is 33(M) and we have been dating for 10 months.

 

I had a really bad breakup last year in July. My man was well aware of this, (he had followed me on IG and FB for at least a few years before this. I don’t ever remember meeting him in person, but he would always respond to my stories periodically throughout these years. Pretty persistent I’d say lol. He was never weird or creepy. Would just compliment me and ask if I would like to go get coffee or something with him sometime). I go through my breakup, and he was by my side the entire time. The first time I met him in person, he had me come to his house and I told him I was only comfortable doing that if he came out and sat in my car with me. I did not want to go into his house and I made that clear. He got in my car, and after a couple minutes, he told me I should just come inside cuz my car’s vibrations (it was an old car, wasn’t in the best shape lol) was annoying him. (He is a “car guy”). So I just sat on the far end of his bed, and talked. I didn’t feel very good in this situation, he didn’t seem too engaged and wasn’t very helpful in his rebuttals. He also made a comment of “well you could be a Twinkie tonight” or something like that (cuz I had an IUD at the time and he knew this) and I kind of just brushed it off cuz men are pretty stupid a lot of the time and he said he was just joking. Anyways, he kept trying to offer to help me pay for things, he offered to put me up in a place of my own and he’d pay for everything, he offered to pay off my debt, etc. I refused all his help for quite some time and he’d keep offering. (He apparently makes very good money. He is a painter and has every cert for trade work. He also has his own auto shop where he paints cars, and his buddies work with him and do other work like body work, fabrication, etc). I was pretty blunt with him, and I told him from the get-go that I had no interest in getting into another relationship anytime soon, and please don’t offer to do things for me if you’re just going to throw it in my face later and use it against me. He said he was only offering to help because he thinks I’m a good person and I deserve it. So eventually, I accepted his help. I had a 10k personal loan, so he offered to pay it all. I said no, but you can pay off my credit card debt (almost $3k). He followed through and paid that for me which was very kind and I honestly didn’t think he would do it. He fixed my car for me at one point, he stayed outside as lookout for me when I helped a friend move out of her place from her abusive boyfriend. He did some very nice things for me, and all without getting any play from me. He eventually talked me into spending an evening with him at a hotel room, and I told him I didn’t really want to have sex cuz I just wasn’t in that place yet. That didn’t happen and he proceeded to go through with that almost the entirety of the time I spent with him at the room. The next day, I was pretty upset and I told him I didn’t appreciate that cuz I told him what I was comfortable with, and he didn’t respect that and it seemed he was trying to push things on me I wasn’t comfortable with. So he kept apologizing and kept saying he’d fix it and make it up to me, and he set up a day for us to go on an actual nice date. I ended up backing out cuz I just wasn’t comfortable. He has never tried to set up another nice date since then. We’ve been together for almost 10 months now.

Idk what really happened, but he started wearing me down and I developed feelings for him. He would send me cute relationship type posts all the time, he’d tell me how much he cares for me and how he feels for me everyday. It was sweet because I never really had that before. He doesn’t really do that kind of stuff anymore either. 

He also got a suite for my birthday. I had a party, and it unfortunately did not go very well. I ended up being sick that night, and I threw up in the bed and he put me in the shower and I cleaned myself up. I was so extremely depressed during this time, and he knew this. I came back to bed, and he didn’t really console me at all. He didn’t even check on me in the morning, and he proceeded to have sex with me and then just rolled back over and didn’t say 1 word to me. He said it seemed I was throwing up blood, and he didn’t seem very concerned for me at all. He said my friends thrashed the room and left it a mess and he had to clean up after them. It was night and day difference in his behavior leading up to this day and thereafter, and he blamed this on the fact his mom was going through medical issues and she “was going to die” (she is perfectly fine and alive and well now). He also said he was going through a lawsuit with someone from his shop. He used these as excuses as to why he was not the same person he portrayed himself to be to me in the beginning. 

I was going through a lot myself, I have no family where I live, so I’m completely on my own. I was living with some close friends (or so I thought they were) and the situation went bad, so I had to move yet again after moving out from my ex’s. My man did not help me move cuz he said he was busy working and busy with his mom. I moved in temporarily with another friend, and he said he’d move me out from there in a few months and we could move in together. This is where his promises and things he said he’d do, just seemed outlandish and he just would never follow through on anything. 

He said he was going to pay off my 10k loan, but never did. He kept saying he would, then would just never follow through. He did show me wads of cash he supposedly gave to his family for Christmas tho. He also said he went and spent 700k on a house for us to move into, but he said the people selling it wanted 180 days to move out, so it was a limbo game for 2 months or more. He wouldn’t give me the address, so I reverse image searched the pictures he did send me, and found the listing on Zillow and the house was listed for 665k or something like that. I was able to set up a tour of the house, but he said they had accepted his offer and it did not reflect on this listing clearly. I confronted him about it, and miraculously, he said he pulled his offer and never heard anything about it since. He said he’d just get us into an apartment for the meantime, but he wanted a house cuz then that’s something that’s ours and not rented. My car was also giving me a lot of issues, so I was trying to sell it and get something else. He said he went and looked at an Audi, and all I said was “I thought Audis and VWs were unreliable” but I said ok, that’s cool. He said he bought a car off his friend, but they were taking it to get painted, and he said he paid for it before he even had it in his possession. I thought that was odd.. he supposedly had the car now (almost a month later after he supposedly paid for it) and was taking it to the DMV, and he said that the car isn’t behaving how he was told it would, so he’s giving it back to his friend. Then he told me to just go to a dealership and get a car and he’ll help me with it. He said he’ll match whatever I put down. He also said he’d give me the money he spent on this supposed car (Which he never did cuz he said he kept getting hit with identity fraud, which was also his reason for not wiring me the money for the loan a few months earlier as well). He also told me the reason why he never gave me the money for the loan, was because he was afraid I’d take it and run and never speak to him again. He told me that all the women he dated before treated him like a “wallet” and he’s been cheated on, etc. I told him it was fine if he didn’t want to give me the money anymore, but to just say that instead of leading me on and giving empty promises. We had lots of arguments and issues during this time, and usually in these arguments, he would always throw the things he did for me in my face. “Well I paid for the room and had to deal with your ***bag friends. I spent 3k to pay off your debt. I was gonna get you a car but you just said that it’s a piece of ***. I did this and I did that), and then it finally came time for me to move again, and he did not follow through on his word once more. 

I thankfully had another friend that offered for me to move in with them, and it’s been a much better situation, however I was supposed to be moving in with my man. Apparently, his dad had him sell his old house (the one he was living in when I first met him), and screwed him out of that deal, so he felt bad and he and his mother went and bought a new build house for him (us). They also are very successful and make a lot of money. I have not met them yet. I have been inside their house (I told him I was not comfortable sneaking around in their house because he has had me come over there but hides me in his room and usually has me there when no one is home). He said that they said “we’ll meet her in due time” and he said they know everything and know what I look like and everything. Yet I have only met 1 of his friends and no one else. I also have never seen his shop, no pictures, nothing. He said it’s because they’ve had issues with being robbed and no one is allowed at the shop unless they are married to the people that work there. He is a very private person, he never really posts anything on his socials. It still bugs me though. He also said the house will be ready this upcoming December or January and we can move in.

 

My big issue here, is that I snooped on his iPad (I know I know, frowned upon) and I found a video in there that he recorded himself that was dated a month prior, and I went back in our conversation and it was right in between the time of me not hearing from him for about 2 hours that night. He also said he was at the shop the day and time this video was taken. It was a video of another woman’s lady bits. He had another video of what seemed to be the same woman maybe 2 months before that one. He also had a bunch of random raunchy, borderline porn saved in there. I confronted him about it, and he was very calm and said his iCloud has been messed up for a while. He said he even replaced his phone before because it kept messing up. He said he deletes things, and they pop back up after updates. He also said he purposely saved old videos and stuff for “blackmail purposes” because it’s one of his ex’s that has all of his bank and business information and she might be the one that kept getting him flagged with identity fraud. I thought that was odd.. he said he would delete everything, and I said that’s great, but why was it there to begin with.. I asked him to prove he was at the shop that night, and he still hasn’t. He said he has to have his friend pull the camera footage but it’s been almost 2 months and anytime I ask, he says “well I’m not gonna inconvenience him to go get that. He also said after he gets the proof for you, he doesn’t want to meet you cuz you don’t trust a solid ass dude like me after everything I’ve done for you”. He also said “really, you think I even have the time to *** off with a side piece of ass when I have it right here whenever I want. I barely have time for myself and I barely even get to see you. I have an amazing loving caring and freak mama woman right here. Why would I piss everything down the drain”. He does have a fetish with hosiery, and he always asks me to wear it almost anytime I see him. And the random raunchy things I found in his iPad were of that. He also doesn’t really seem to care about me getting my fill during sex either. He says he likes to go down on me, yet never does it. But he wants me to dress up, go down on him, and do all these things for him when he can’t even make sure I’m ready to go before he slams it in (which it can be dry and he’ll still force it in cuz he really doesn’t care about getting me turned on first..) 

He did give me his phone password and said I can go through his *** whenever I want. He asked if I want to put a GPS tracker on him as well, and he said I can go through his iCloud every month when it updates when we live together if I want, but I don’t want to have to do any of these things. I also saw he still follows one of his ex’s, and he said none of them were good situations, and I saw he was liking all her pictures, and I confronted him and he said “oh, she’s gay and married now and she tattoos everyone in my family” and that was that.. I cannot confirm if that’s true cuz she doesn’t have any pics of another woman on her profile.

He has told me he went and bought a 19k engagement ring and plans to propose this year, and to get married next year and have kids in a couple of years. 

He has met my brothers, and my brothers like him and think he’s cool and a good guy. 

Yet he still has never taken me on a nice date. The most we ever do is get a room, and we never really go out and do anything. I enjoy quality time, and it doesn’t take a lot to make me happy. I just wish he would put in more effort and show more thoughtfulness.. and sometimes when I bring this up, he just brings up all the things he’s done for me. He has been helping me pay for my car payment (I ended up going and getting a new car) which is nice, but then again I wasn’t supposed to be in this position cuz he told me he’d take care of it.. he also is having health issues now and is telling me I can’t be stressing him out and arguing with him cuz it’s going to expedite the depletion of his health, and is now a new excuse to not do what anyone should do for their significant others simply because they want to.. he can’t do anything for me without seeming to be complaining about it.. But when I bring things up, it’s not to argue. He does seem to be trying to do better, but it makes me feel awful that I even have to ask for simple things like being called cute names, telling me mushy and thoughtful things, DOING thoughtful things..

 

I already had trust issues, but after finding what I found in his iPad, I am having a very hard time getting past it. I want to believe him so badly, but I am 50/50. It doesn’t make sense that someone would blow all this money on someone and spend almost a year with them just to mess around, but people do a lot of crummy things all the time for no reason at all. He swore up and down in the beginning that he was the man of my dreams and more, and he would treat me so amazing. Now I barely get any affection and he doesn’t do anything thoughtful at all. Anytime I bring anything up, he says something about me and my emotions in a negative way, and then always brings up all the money he has spent and then doesn’t really change his behavior at all, and now blames it all on his poor health as to why he can’t even meet me halfway but keeps saying “it’ll get better”.. Any insight would be helpful. Thank you 😕

[Wiseman2]

Is he married? This seems like a sugar daddy arrangement in his mind more than dating. What do you know about him? Is he involved in illegal activities like sex trafficking, drugs, etc.?

[Vinvinzz]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is he married? This seems like a sugar daddy arrangement in his mind more than dating. What do you know about him? Is he involved in illegal activities like sex trafficking, drugs, etc.?

He is not married, no kids. He made it very clear that I was the only woman for him and I am “the woman of his dreams”. He told me he wants to marry me and have kids in a couple of years. Also wants us to move in together the end of the year/beginning next year. I don’t think he is involved in any illegal activities. He apparently makes a lot of money at work with all his trade certs and skills/experience. He has thrown everything he has done for me in my face anytime I try to bring up the fact he is not meeting me even halfway emotionally/mentally and any little things I ask for he has an excuse as to why he isn’t doing it

[Tinydance]

To be honest he sounds like a compulsive liar. He seems to say a lot of things and make a lot of promises all the time and he hardly follows through on most of them. I do find it odd that after ten months you never met any of his friends or family or seen his shop. He says he wants to propose to you and yet he keeps you completely separate from his life. Sounds pretty suspicious.

I understand he keeps saying he'll pay for things but it also sounds from your post that you began to feel entitled to him financially supporting you. You were saying things like: "I shouldn't have to be paying off my car loan because he said he would buy me the car". "He should have paid off my debt, etc."  In all honesty I agree with Wiseman that this sounds more like a sugar Daddy arrangement. I mean if that's more what this is and he's not married then you're allowed to do whatever you want. But honestly it does sound like he's "buying" you in this relationship.

He was already paying thousands for you before you were even dating or had sex. I don't understand why you want someone you don't really know paying for everything for you? You are an adult and if you didn't meet him then you'd be having to pay all those bills and loans yourself. Sounds like you've just begun to expect him to pay for everything and no offence but that actually is a sugar baby mentality. And yes he's not following through with most of what he says and that's probably proof that you shouldn't be relying on other people to support you financially.

But in regards to your guy, he sounds quite dodgy and like a chronic liar. He shouldn't have to pay for you. But since he keeps saying he will and barely does, that makes him a liar. Also if he keeps throwing it in your face, he probably wants to have financial control over you. If you don't like it though then you need to stand on your own two feet and not keep taking his money.

I'm getting a very strong liar/sociopath vibe from the way you described him. I've been watching true crime shows recently. In a few of the episodes there were guys just like your guy who kept saying they were rich and supposedly flashing their money around. But they actually weren't rich and the money they did seem to have, they actually borrowed from other people. So it was like a "Tindler swindler" ponzy scheme. Also when people found out they were liars and were going to expose them, they killed some of those people. Not saying your boyfriend will kill people but he definitely sounds dodgy.

[Kwothe28]

What financial abuse? You have bad finances and you accepted help from him. If you didnt want to be in debt with him maybe you shouldnt accept him paying your credit card debt and cars and who knows what else.

Also, you accepted help from a proven liar. Behind his every lie is just more lies. Some men operate in that way. He promised you financial help, gone through with some so you would be in debt to him. You fell for that and his overall lies(he wont marry you, he doesnt even let you meet his friends). So you are one of his many lovers now(if you are asking what are those things on his iCloud, they are the same status as you are to him probably). That he holds in the palm of his hand. Because you are financially dependable to him. You wonder why he hasnt take you on nice dates? He doesnt have to. He already got what he wants and now just lies through his teeth to get more. Until he gets bored or you decide to leave. And even if you decide there is no guarantee that you could. Because you accepted his financial help and now you are financially dependable. Again, that is how some of those men operate. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

What financial abuse? You have bad finances and you accepted help from him. If you didnt want to be in debt with him maybe you shouldnt accept him paying your credit card debt and cars and who knows what else.

Also, you accepted help from a proven liar. Behind his every lie is just more lies. Some men operate in that way. He promised you financial help, gone through with some so you would be in debt to him. You fell for that and his overall lies(he wont marry you, he doesnt even let you meet his friends). So you are one of his many lovers now(if you are asking what are those things on his iCloud, they are the same status as you are to him probably). That he holds in the palm of his hand. Because you are financially dependable to him. You wonder why he hasnt take you on nice dates? He doesnt have to. He already got what he wants and now just lies through his teeth to get more. Until he gets bored or you decide to leave. And even if you decide there is no guarantee that you could. Because you accepted his financial help and now you are financially dependable. Again, that is how some of those men operate. 

Yes all this.  Also "apparently" he makes his money in a legitimate way? You don't "think" he's involved in illegal activities?  Please know if you're guesswork is wrong you could get mixed up in his activities too.  

Time to put on big girl pants and work towards financial independence apart from this person.  Then you'll stop rationalizing away your dependence on him. Look into government services in your community if needed and get a job -or another part time job. See if you can get a license  or certification in a trade and go to school part time.  I would not interact with him or his friends even if you're finally invited to do so.  

[Vinvinzz]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes all this.  Also "apparently" he makes his money in a legitimate way? You don't "think" he's involved in illegal activities?  Please know if you're guesswork is wrong you could get mixed up in his activities too.  

Time to put on big girl pants and work towards financial independence apart from this person.  Then you'll stop rationalizing away your dependence on him. Look into government services in your community if needed and get a job -or another part time job. See if you can get a license  or certification in a trade and go to school part time.  I would not interact with him or his friends even if you're finally invited to do so.  

 

6 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

What financial abuse? You have bad finances and you accepted help from him. If you didnt want to be in debt with him maybe you shouldnt accept him paying your credit card debt and cars and who knows what else.

Also, you accepted help from a proven liar. Behind his every lie is just more lies. Some men operate in that way. He promised you financial help, gone through with some so you would be in debt to him. You fell for that and his overall lies(he wont marry you, he doesnt even let you meet his friends). So you are one of his many lovers now(if you are asking what are those things on his iCloud, they are the same status as you are to him probably). That he holds in the palm of his hand. Because you are financially dependable to him. You wonder why he hasnt take you on nice dates? He doesnt have to. He already got what he wants and now just lies through his teeth to get more. Until he gets bored or you decide to leave. And even if you decide there is no guarantee that you could. Because you accepted his financial help and now you are financially dependable. Again, that is how some of those men operate. 

Let me be clear that I have a job and I work full-time. I am able to pay for my expenses, but that’s pretty much it. I never once asked him for money or to help me in any way at all. He pushed and pushed and pushed to get me to accept his help and said it’s simply because he thinks I’m a good person and I deserve to be helped and for things to be “easier” on me. He seems to play on the fact I want a long-term, everlasting love and to be married and have kids eventually, and he promises things with 50% follow through. I don’t know what possesses people to behave this way. He also has a very high sex drive so when I found those things in his iPad, it was extremely questionable and his reasoning doesn’t make sense. I really do care for him a lot, and there have been good moments. I just don’t know what to do anymore as he has health issues and I’d feel like a bad person to just up and leave because it will seem I am doing that cuz of his health issues. He also likes to say “well I guess I’m just a big piece of *** then” anytime I really get him in a corner about not doing anything to make me feel mentally and emotionally secure and loved.

[smackie9]

This guy IS creepy with a parade of red flags. He groomed you. It's all to have control over you, to live out his fantasy. When you feel you can't get out because you are emotionally to far in, you are putting yourself in a very dangerous position. His intentions are not good. Take the blinders off. He wants you to feel too bad/guilty for leaving him...you have been set up. Get out now. 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Vinvinzz said:

Let me be clear that I have a job and I work full-time. I am able to pay for my expenses, but that’s pretty much it. I never once asked him for money or to help me in any way at all. He pushed and pushed and pushed to get me to accept his help and said it’s simply because he thinks I’m a good person and I deserve to be helped and for things to be “easier” on me.

I am not saying that you are some kind of "golddigger". Just that you have been being manipulated by him. His whole schtick is a manipulation tactic. 

- You need money

- He gives you money with excuse how you are "such a good person"

- Because he gives you money you now trust him and are in debt to him

- That gives him the freedom to manipulate you more

- So now he will not take you on dates, just sneaking you around and not even introducing you to his friends

- Meanwhile he promises you whole world, how he would buy a million dollar home, how he would marry you etc.

- While in reality he just uses you for sex and probably has a couple of more like that judging from what you have found.

Why do you think he sneaks you around? Why do you think he doesnt let you see his job or introduces you to his friends after 10 months? Just who do you think those women on iCloud are? 

You are being manipulated there quite heavily. And again, good luck getting out of there when you are financially in debt with him.

[Batya33]

He pushed and pushed -and you chose to take $$$$ from him - I'd seek counseling as to why - please don't give yourself a pass for being "pushed" -there's something very wrong here if you'd make and keep making this choice -including that you are a victim but not only because -it's worth it IO to get to the root of this  and if you have health insurance through your job so much the better. Good luck!

[MrMan1983]

What bizarre behaviour from both parties, don't quite know where to even start with that.

[Vinvinzz]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I am not saying that you are some kind of "golddigger". Just that you have been being manipulated by him. His whole schtick is a manipulation tactic. 

- You need money

- He gives you money with excuse how you are "such a good person"

- Because he gives you money you now trust him and are in debt to him

- That gives him the freedom to manipulate you more

- So now he will not take you on dates, just sneaking you around and not even introducing you to his friends

- Meanwhile he promises you whole world, how he would buy a million dollar home, how he would marry you etc.

- While in reality he just uses you for sex and probably has a couple of more like that judging from what you have found.

Why do you think he sneaks you around? Why do you think he doesnt let you see his job or introduces you to his friends after 10 months? Just who do you think those women on iCloud are? 

You are being manipulated there quite heavily. And again, good luck getting out of there when you are financially in debt with him.

This is kind of what I meant by the financial abuse (I may be mistaken on the meaning of that entirely) because it seems he is using the money to manipulate and use me. That’s why if the house thing does end up being true, idk if I feel safe or comfortable moving my whole life with someone I can’t even trust fully. It’s very unfortunate because I really had hope in the beginning that this one would work by how amazing he made himself and everything seem 😕

[Wiseman2]

Just now, Vinvinzz said:

 it seems he is using the money to manipulate and use me.  😕

Is the car title in your name? It seems like a sugar daddy situation where he buys you things to keep you beholden to him.  The best thing you can do to free yourself is no longer accept gifts money or favors.

You don't know much about him and he seems to have a double life and tells a lot of lies. That's why you're a secret. 

[SooSad33]

Ohh boy  😕 .

What a situation to be in.

First of all, I never take money from anyone on a whim.  And not someone who's interested in me that way.  I dated a guy 5 yrs and never asked for money.  But he would often pay for our meals out.

I am concerned about a few things here.  Like why you went this deep with him, with only being out of a relationship yourself such a short while?

Did I miss it, or did you mention how long you were out of that before getting involved with this one?  Did you feel okay enough to get involved with him when you did?

As for his ex, do you know how long it's been since they were involved .... before you came along? ( imo, I think it's common for people to 'hold on to something' re: their past .. so not sure that's a real concern).

This just seems like a little too much for just a year in.

Many have some good input w/ your situation.  Do YOU honestly see this guy being for you for long term?  I feel his 'attitude' changed, once he got more comfy in this relationship & now you are seeing the 'real' him.

So, I suggest you do NOT go moving into some house with him.  See IF things are the same same or any better, or if you're even still together in the next 2 years, before you do this.

And as for the money issue, money IS a big deal in many cases and can ruin relationships/ friendships, etc 😕 .  You went there with him and maybe, should it not succeed with him, you can 'offer' to pay him back over time ( written agreement). But I hope this is never held over your head ( guilt trips, control aspect, etc). 

Never rush this stuff.  We live, we learn  😉 

[Vinvinzz]

24 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Ohh boy  😕 .

What a situation to be in.

First of all, I never take money from anyone on a whim.  And not someone who's interested in me that way.  I dated a guy 5 yrs and never asked for money.  But he would often pay for our meals out.

I am concerned about a few things here.  Like why you went this deep with him, with only being out of a relationship yourself such a short while?

Did I miss it, or did you mention how long you were out of that before getting involved with this one?  Did you feel okay enough to get involved with him when you did?

As for his ex, do you know how long it's been since they were involved .... before you came along? ( imo, I think it's common for people to 'hold on to something' re: their past .. so not sure that's a real concern).

This just seems like a little too much for just a year in.

Many have some good input w/ your situation.  Do YOU honestly see this guy being for you for long term?  I feel his 'attitude' changed, once he got more comfy in this relationship & now you are seeing the 'real' him.

So, I suggest you do NOT go moving into some house with him.  See IF things are the same same or any better, or if you're even still together in the next 2 years, before you do this.

And as for the money issue, money IS a big deal in many cases and can ruin relationships/ friendships, etc 😕 .  You went there with him and maybe, should it not succeed with him, you can 'offer' to pay him back over time ( written agreement). But I hope this is never held over your head ( guilt trips, control aspect, etc). 

Never rush this stuff.  We live, we learn  😉 

I had not been out of my past relationship for even 6 months yet. He knew the entire situation but still pushed for me to give my heart to him even tho I had made it clear I did not want to get into another relationship anytime soon. He really pushed things and was very persistent. I told him I was not comfortable, but he did not respect that and said i “just need to give an actual good/nice guy a chance for once”. I feel he took advantage of the fact I was in a very vulnerable state as I am completely alone where I live and have no family here and am trying my absolute best to just survive. 
 

 His ex he claims was in those videos and is behind the tomfoolery with the identity theft is from 2019. 
 

He also has not introduced me to his parents because they are “always busy” and very private people. It is an odd dynamic because he holds them to the utmost importance, but they seem to not be too interested in his love life, which is odd because I feel like any parent would want to meet someone their child is saying they are going to marry and bring into the family. (He told them he plans to marry me and has a ring and everything. How true that is, I have no idea.) His friends, his reasoning is that “they are all married and have their own lives and you want me to inconvenience them to come *** around for a couple hours to meet you? You can just meet them at the wedding” which again is very odd. He has met my brothers and a few of my friends, but I refuse to introduce him any further into my life until he does the same for me.

I honestly feel the only way at this point for me to move forward and really feel 100% confident in saying I see him as my forever, is if he introduces me to his family at the very least, and really backs up the things he says and makes a drastic change. It is just extremely bothersome that he is drastically different from how he was in the beginning, because he really was so sweet and just all around amazing in the beginning. I don’t know what happened.
 

He has thrown all the money and things he has done in my face in any kind of disagreement/argument. I noticed that when he speaks about the things he “loves”, the first thing he lists out is money. I also am not one of the things he lists out, yet he says he loves me “so much”. I also told him to remove the money, and what is left?? What does he really do for me?? And his rebuttal is “well I guess I’m just a huge piece of *** then, I have nothing to offer, etc”. He also plays on the fact he’s “never been properly loved or cared for before”. 
 

I am very much torn because I care for him very much. There’s just so many question marks and now the looming dark cloud of not knowing if he cheated on me or not with the things I found in his iPad. He swears up and down that he did not do anything behind my back and it’s truly just iCloud “messing up”. No one wants to believe their person would do some awful things behind their back, but it happens all the time 😕

[Vinvinzz]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is the car title in your name? It seems like a sugar daddy situation where he buys you things to keep you beholden to him.  The best thing you can do to free yourself is no longer accept gifts money or favors.

You don't know much about him and he seems to have a double life and tells a lot of lies. That's why you're a secret. 

The car and everything is in my name. His name is not on anything of mine. It is definitely not a sugar daddy/baby situation, but I can see why it sounds that way. I more so put financial abuse because it seems he is using the money aspect to manipulate me.

 

He swears on his mother (whom he “loves more than anyone and anything”) that he has never lied to me or done anything he isn’t supposed to. He also seems to think because he provides for some things financially, he doesn’t need to do anything else, when I’ve painstakingly explained so many times that I need the emotional/mental support more than anything, and he just doesn’t seem to get that, or flat out doesn’t care. I put my needs and feelings aside 90% of the time because he’s “always working, always busy, always having health issues”. Things just don’t seem right but I just don’t know if I’m also maybe reading too far into it and maybe need to relax a bit. I have never gotten any feedback on this, so all of the feedback is helpful.

[Batya33]

No one in a healthy romantic relationship should have to "swear on his mother" to establish trust.  Either you trust him or you don't.  You're benefiting by all the financial help and gifts, and perks etc.  You are choosing to keep your head in the clouds but you don't have your feet on the ground. Most likely he's keeping you a secret either because his parents then will find out about all his financial shenanigans and what a shady character he is -either by talking to you or observing/finding out what he bought for you etc or perhaps they believe he is dating the family friend they'd like him to marry ,etc.

Again if he is a shady character you might end up being one by association.  Beware.

[Tinydance]

Well to be honest, it sounds a bit like you're making yourself out to be the victim, but that's not entirely the case. A lot of these things that are going on are actually your choice as well. I definitely agree with you that your boyfriend sounds very dodgy and emotionally abusive. But you can't actually say that he FORCED you to be in this relationship or forced you to take his money.

Even though he was very pushy but I think a part of you actually wanted him to cover all your debts and you wanted to date him as well. Nobody can force you to be with them unless they actually kidnapped you and are holding you hostage. You are 25 years old so you are an adult. Sorry to sound harsh but I think you need to take some responsibility for what has been going on as well.

I think his behaviour was actually weird right from the start. You weren't even dating but he already said he was going to give you money and pay off all your debts and loans. Don't you think it's really strange that someone would want to do this for basically someone they just met? And yes absolutely it's manipulative to keep pushing you and enticing you with money when you were saying you weren't ready to date or have sex. And yes it's manipulative to keep saying he'll pay for everything but then actually lording it over you that he paid. Which was always HIS idea. 

There are A LOT of red flags here and something that is very, very off. I strongly doubt that ALL his family are so busy that they don't want to meet his partner of ten months. Who he also supposedly wants to marry!

What he's saying is absolutely ridiculous and sounds fake. ALL his family are too busy just because they're married? So does that mean that married people never go anywhere or do anything? They can't meet you even for an hour or two? You're supposed to just meet them at the wedding? What!! I think you actually know how super weird this all sounds and that's why you made the post.

My guess is he is actually not that rich, maybe he doesn't even have this business, since you've never seen it. Maybe he lies to his family a lot or lied to you about them a lot. It just sounds like he's telling a lot of lies and he's probably keeping everyone separate so that nobody finds out he's been lying. 

Honestly I just watched some true crime shows where the people were acting exactly like this. Lying a lot, sweeping you off your feet, pretending they were rich or powerful. When in reality they really weren't. Some of their partners or family tried to confront or expose them and they actually murdered those people to silence them. To me this all sounds like some kind of sociopath behaviour.

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, Vinvinzz said:

The car and everything is in my name. His name is not on anything of mine. It is definitely not a sugar daddy/baby situation, but I can see why it sounds that way. I more so put financial abuse because it seems he is using the money aspect to manipulate me.

 

He swears on his mother (whom he “loves more than anyone and anything”) that he has never lied to me or done anything he isn’t supposed to. He also seems to think because he provides for some things financially, he doesn’t need to do anything else, when I’ve painstakingly explained so many times that I need the emotional/mental support more than anything, and he just doesn’t seem to get that, or flat out doesn’t care. I put my needs and feelings aside 90% of the time because he’s “always working, always busy, always having health issues”. Things just don’t seem right but I just don’t know if I’m also maybe reading too far into it and maybe need to relax a bit. I have never gotten any feedback on this, so all of the feedback is helpful.

You are not reading too far into it. In fact you should be reading a lot more into it because something is very, very wrong here.

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, Vinvinzz said:

I had not been out of my past relationship for even 6 months yet. He knew the entire situation but still pushed for me to give my heart to him even tho I had made it clear I did not want to get into another relationship anytime soon. He really pushed things and was very persistent. I told him I was not comfortable, but he did not respect that and said i “just need to give an actual good/nice guy a chance for once”.

Yeah, a red flag there -- but in the end, is your choice 😉 .  

If they're acting in ways you dont agree with, you can totally disown them, lol.

 

1 hour ago, Vinvinzz said:

He also has not introduced me to his parents because they are “always busy” and very private people. It is an odd dynamic because he holds them to the utmost importance, but they seem to not be too interested in his love life, which is odd because I feel like any parent would want to meet someone their child is saying they are going to marry and bring into the family.

Exactly!  But , I wouldn't believe ALL he says re: this supposed 'future' .... 😕 

 

1 hour ago, Vinvinzz said:

His friends, his reasoning is that “they are all married and have their own lives and you want me to inconvenience them to come *** around for a couple hours to meet you? You can just meet them at the wedding” which again is very odd. He has met my brothers and a few of my friends, but I refuse to introduce him any further into my life until he does the same for me.

Yup, again red flag!  Like, WHY?  Why is it you can't have met them by now?  Do NOT marry this shady guy!

 

1 hour ago, Vinvinzz said:

I honestly feel the only way at this point for me to move forward and really feel 100% confident in saying I see him as my forever, is if he introduces me to his family at the very least, and really backs up the things he says and makes a drastic change. It is just extremely bothersome that he is drastically different from how he was in the beginning, because he really was so sweet and just all around amazing in the beginning. I don’t know what happened.
 

Yup, like I said.. he 'tried' to get your attention & it worked!  Now, he's like.. 'whatever'.  Many put on a fake in the beginning.

Can I ask WHY you see this guy as a possible person worth marrying?  Is it because of money?  Because that's only ONE aspect here.  He's changed in every other sense.. right?

1 hour ago, Vinvinzz said:

He has thrown all the money and things he has done in my face in any kind of disagreement/argument. I noticed that when he speaks about the things he “loves”, the first thing he lists out is money. I also am not one of the things he lists out, yet he says he loves me “so much”. I also told him to remove the money, and what is left?? What does he really do for me?? And his rebuttal is “well I guess I’m just a huge piece of *** then, I have nothing to offer, etc”. He also plays on the fact he’s “never been properly loved or cared for before”. 

Another red flag 😕 .

Love is shown by action .. not words.  You do not lay guilt on your partner that way.. *sigh*.

As for HIS past & issue's, that's on him!  Maybe he just isn't 'loveable'!  

 

1 hour ago, Vinvinzz said:

I am very much torn because I care for him very much. There’s just so many question marks

Nah, ignore whatever's on his ipad etc...  You've only been involved about a year and I think too much was 'faked' and he's just not into it, as he should be.

A Healthy Relationship is trust, communication, respect and the ability to let it grow naturally with a good foundation. I don't feel either of you  are on 'good grounds' and it's showing now.

Stay where you are and seriously, please don't look at marrying someone who doesn't deserve you.  Be with one you DO trust and feel okay with.  😉 

 

[Vinvinzz]

50 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Yeah, a red flag there -- but in the end, is your choice 😉 .  

If they're acting in ways you dont agree with, you can totally disown them, lol.

 

Exactly!  But , I wouldn't believe ALL he says re: this supposed 'future' .... 😕 

 

Yup, again red flag!  Like, WHY?  Why is it you can't have met them by now?  Do NOT marry this shady guy!

 

Yup, like I said.. he 'tried' to get your attention & it worked!  Now, he's like.. 'whatever'.  Many put on a fake in the beginning.

Can I ask WHY you see this guy as a possible person worth marrying?  Is it because of money?  Because that's only ONE aspect here.  He's changed in every other sense.. right?

Another red flag 😕 .

Love is shown by action .. not words.  You do not lay guilt on your partner that way.. *sigh*.

As for HIS past & issue's, that's on him!  Maybe he just isn't 'loveable'!  

 

Nah, ignore whatever's on his ipad etc...  You've only been involved about a year and I think too much was 'faked' and he's just not into it, as he should be.

A Healthy Relationship is trust, communication, respect and the ability to let it grow naturally with a good foundation. I don't feel either of you  are on 'good grounds' and it's showing now.

Stay where you are and seriously, please don't look at marrying someone who doesn't deserve you.  Be with one you DO trust and feel okay with.  😉 

 

Well, he seemed like a really nice and genuine guy at first. I tend to care very deeply for people and when I give my heart, I give my all. I don’t like feeling the way I do and it feels like he gives me crumbs of affection and I am made to feel bad for even asking about going on an actual date, or him doing anything thoughtful for me in the slightest. He said I would meet his parents in September since they have vacation time then, and I have a feeling that won’t happen. Conveniently something always comes up, and his comments are “if I didn’t have bad luck I wouldn’t have luck at all” or something weird like that lol

 

He has said “I am extremely difficult to be in a relationship with” and said all past girlfriends cheated on him and used him as a “wallet” cuz he “works too much”. Which he conveniently didn’t mention before when I wasn’t giving him a chance. I said so.. don’t make it difficult to be in a relationship with you then?? Lol. He chooses money and working over experiences and spending time with loved ones cuz he thinks money is the most important thing.

 

i definitely don’t have marrying him or even moving in with him on my mind at all anymore. I feel I am starting to detach from him cuz he doesn’t make me feel important or loved. He thinks cuz he pays for things, that should be enough to “prove he loves me”, and I’ve explained again so many times that that is not the way things should be. And that’s definitely not how it is for me. I only ever ask for love and affection and that seems to be too much to ask for 

[Batya33]

22 minutes ago, Vinvinzz said:

Well, he seemed like a really nice and genuine guy at first. I tend to care very deeply for people and when I give my heart, I give my all.

That's not about caring deeply -that's about not caring about your own well being because you prefer to not be alone/to be showered with $ and attention by a man -any man -IMO

If your goal is to show you care deeply for people and give your all - first be a person who takes reasonably good care of herself - physical and mental health so that when you give your "all" it's from a perspective of reasonable stability and self esteem.  Your choices with this guy reflect neither.

"He thinks cuz he pays for things, that should be enough to “prove he loves me”, and I’ve explained again so many times that that is not the way things should be. And that’s definitely not how it is for me. I only ever ask for love and affection and that seems to be too much to ask for "

Your words don't match your actions -if it shouldn't be that way why are you sticking around all this time? You are asking for love and affection from someone you know to be shady.

[Jaunty]

I confess that you lost me around the 6th sentence of your OP.  After having learned that he didn't know you but stalked you on social media, and he was "by your side" throughout your breakup (why were you confiding in a strange man about your relationship issues?)  I had serious questions about your judgement.  For sure something ranging from simply lame and sketchy to dangerous was going to ensue.   

 When you  decided to go to his house for the first meeting and soon ended up sitting on his bed with him making comments about your IUD, I ran out of time for this tale.

I already judge him as a very creepy guy.  I don't need any more info.  And, I'm sorry to say, I feel like you have some pretty extreme issues with your own judgement. 

I hope everything's okay and you get rid of this stinky albatross of a guy and sort out your own problems very soon.

[SooSad33]

22 minutes ago, Vinvinzz said:

He has said “I am extremely difficult to be in a relationship with” and said all past girlfriends cheated on him and used him as a “wallet” cuz he “works too much”. Which he conveniently didn’t mention before when I wasn’t giving him a chance. I said so.. don’t make it difficult to be in a relationship with you then?? Lol. He chooses money and working over experiences and spending time with loved ones cuz he thinks money is the most important thing.

Well, THIS says a lot.. doesn't it?

He complains, yet he;s the cause.  Ummm  Yeah, if you're gonna just focus on the money aspect you risk losing the rest 😉 .

Well, at least you know what's more important. 

 

[Tinydance]

34 minutes ago, Vinvinzz said:

Well, he seemed like a really nice and genuine guy at first. I tend to care very deeply for people and when I give my heart, I give my all. I don’t like feeling the way I do and it feels like he gives me crumbs of affection and I am made to feel bad for even asking about going on an actual date, or him doing anything thoughtful for me in the slightest. He said I would meet his parents in September since they have vacation time then, and I have a feeling that won’t happen. Conveniently something always comes up, and his comments are “if I didn’t have bad luck I wouldn’t have luck at all” or something weird like that lol

 

He has said “I am extremely difficult to be in a relationship with” and said all past girlfriends cheated on him and used him as a “wallet” cuz he “works too much”. Which he conveniently didn’t mention before when I wasn’t giving him a chance. I said so.. don’t make it difficult to be in a relationship with you then?? Lol. He chooses money and working over experiences and spending time with loved ones cuz he thinks money is the most important thing.

 

i definitely don’t have marrying him or even moving in with him on my mind at all anymore. I feel I am starting to detach from him cuz he doesn’t make me feel important or loved. He thinks cuz he pays for things, that should be enough to “prove he loves me”, and I’ve explained again so many times that that is not the way things should be. And that’s definitely not how it is for me. I only ever ask for love and affection and that seems to be too much to ask for 

I don't think it's actually genuine to keep pushing you to date when you weren't ready. Also pushing to pay your bills and loans. A genuine person would just want to get to know you in a normal way and see how it goes.