Tinydance

You're supposed to contribute to overseas vacations for her kids? This is ridiculous.

I'm sorry but unfortunately you got involved with an abusive man again. He's not actually a good person. First of all, is it legal where you live for him to be with a 17-year-old? Actually in the state where I live in Australia the age of sexual consent is 16 but I know in some states or countries it's 18. If it's illegal where you live then in technical terms he's a paedophile and he's committed a crime. Secondly, he's very manipulative. I don't think he's that nice or understanding. On the day you lost your virginity to him, he then made you feel bad that you cried and you "ruined" the day. Well if he was a really nice guy and understanding then why doesn't he support you when you're upset? Also he was acting really pushy about sexting and doesn't actually care at all if you want to or are in the mood. Basically it doesn't seem like he actually cares about you. He just manipulates you if you don't do what he wants by accusing you of all sorts of things. That's called gaslighting. It's interesting you say your father is a narcissist because that's exactly what narcissists do. Your father does sound very controlling and emotionally abusive. I'm guessing the fact you were home-schooled and not allowed to leave the house or know anyone was part of his abuse. Is your mother trying to leave your Dad? What are your plans once you turn 18? Will you be going to college? My advice is to move away for college, get a career (or any job) and live on your own. You deserve to have a good life and friends. In so far as breaking up with the boyfriend. Just call him and say it's not working for me, it's over, bye. If he harasses you, say you'll go to the police and/or get a restraining order. I mean yes it's better to break up with someone in person but he sounds abusive so it's probably better if you never see him again.

I just want to point out as well that the reason why I mentioned about that someone is not a creep or pervert just because they looked is just because I've seen some posts where people are too harsh on their partner. For example, OP said when her partner is around a woman with her, he looks awkward or like he's going to talk to the woman. Well to me it would depend on the situation itself. Are these just total strangers around him and it looks like he wants to talk to them? For example, you're in an elevator and he looks like he's going to talk to some random woman he doesn't know? Or is it a situation where it's actually not weird to talk to women? E.g. You're at a party or some kind of event with friends or family. For example, when I go to a party, I act very friendly to everyone. I don't make a discrimination whether those people are male or female. If I'm in a relationship I don't just selectively speak to women only. It's not like if a man goes: "Hi, how do you know the host?" that I would be like: "Oh sorry I gotta go over there now" and quickly move away just because it's a man. People are still allowed to speak to people of the opposite gender but obviously if it's appropriate and in a normal way. Like, if you're out with your partner and every time they start speaking to total strangers of the opposite gender then that's weird. I just think there are situations where it's not sleazy or weird necessarily in and of itself. Some examples are when my partner and I were at some hot springs and were sitting in a spring and a woman was sitting there so we both started talking to her about whatever. I don't expect my partner to just not respond in any way or get out of the hot pool just because it's a woman.

Well the other thing as well is that this woman does have money for her kids given by their father but she wants MORE money? And OP has a child of his own as well. I know he said he doesn't pay child support due to his ex's large income. But still he would very likely buy things for his child like gifts, outings together, a meal? I mean that's what you do for your child unless they're an adult and they pay their own way. I think it's fair that he should be able to reserve his money for his own child and make sure they're comfortable and not having to financially support this woman's kids. In particular as they are already paid for by their own actual father.

Wow that actually sounds like sugar Daddy or prostitute situation lol In the past single women with children used to try to get a man to provide for her and her kids because women usually had no education or career. This was probably 50 - 100 + years ago lol

Yep

Well I think it's actually a personal opinion whether it's OK or not to masturbate to something like porn or photos of models. Men in the past used to masturbate to pin up girls or Playboy magazine. Some men like to look at something if they're masturbating and if it's just some random model or pornstar maybe it doesn't mean anything to them beyond some visual stimulation. I sometimes watch porn and I've masturbated to porn so that's why I actually don't have a problem with it. I think if you only get to see your husband once a week then maybe he does masturbate when you're not together. I mean masturbating isn't wrong (in my opinion). I also don't consider something like watching porn or looking at models as "real life" because you don't actually know those people and have a very small (but most likely zero) chance of actually getting with them. To me it seems more like when people have a crush on a hot actor or actress. And sometimes those actresses do pose nude or in bikini so maybe some people will masturbate to it. Again, I am only expressing my own personal opinion and I do realise maybe it's not a popular opinion. What I think might be more the issue here is that you don't see your husband often and obviously it doesn't feel good if he's away and looking at those models instead of you. What is happening and why don't you see each other often? And understandably because your husband said: "Don't ask me about this" that came across as suspicious. If my partner said that maybe I'd get suspicious as well. But if my partner was honest and upfront with me and not hiding their social media then it probably wouldn't bother me.

No I totally agree with that. My belief is your husband or wife should be able to ask you whatever they want and express their feelings to you. Even if it's a difficult topic or you prefer they didn't ask you that but that's what marriage or even family or friendship is about. You need to allow people to express themselves (within reason). Even if someone is feeling insecure or misunderstood something then they need to be able to clarify it. I do see a red flag that he doesn't want to discuss things or simply says: "Don't ask me about this." Whether it be about models or anything else, to me it seems like just an easy way to always get out of not having conversations you don't want to have.

Well the other thing is, with bills I don't think you have to pay half the bills but more like one quarter. Her two kids are there too and they are not your kids. She receives child support and alimony from their father so covering their part of the bills should be paid for with that money. Also I know this probably sounds like a generalisation but usually tweens and teenagers use a lot of electricity. They like being on their computer/iPad, watching TV, playing video games and things like that.

Well that's totally fair enough! But I actually think you might be in the minority lol To me it seems most people like at least some celebrities or even social media personalities.

I'm pretty sure that most people will turn their head and have a quick look when there is someone attractive present. What are they supposed to do, close their eyes? I don't think it necessarily makes the person a pervert or creep. This is very harsh.

Why is following celebrities weird? Isn't that the whole point that celebrities have fans? Why are people not allowed to be a fan?

Well first of all I think when you're posting or interacting with people in general, try to have respect and understanding that people have different opinions. You actually come across as rude - "Don't tell me it's just social media or I'll block you." Some people actually don't even have social media or don't care about social media. It's very clear you do but it's just rude to be like: "Don't dare to say anything other than my opinion or I'll block you." If you actually already have such a set in stone opinion then why is there a point to ask for any advice? Also I know you're not going to like me saying it but yes men do look at attractive women. And women look at attractive men too. If I see an attractive guy I might look but that doesn't mean I'm going to pursue him. Also to me personally looking at random models on social media isn't cheating. I mean, if my partner doesn't even know these models then it's not like he's talking to them or catching up with them. I follow some models on social media as well. Actually some of them maybe aren't models in the sense they're semi naked but they have themed accounts like cosplay and they're attractive. I do find it odd that your husband said: "Don't ask me about who I'm following" because that does sound defensive or like he's nervous about something. But obviously he knows he's following those models and maybe he had a feeling you don't like it. Which you don't so he was right. I understand it makes you feel uncomfortable bit I've just seen some women post that they go through their partner's account and check who they follow and check how many followers those people have and what date they followed them etc. To me this seems over the top and seems more like insecurity. That's just my opinion. I think you should talk to your husband and express how you feel. He can't actually tell you that you're not allowed to ask something because that's controlling. He can't police what you can and can't discuss with him. Marriage is about honesty and communication. To me it would be more concerning that he's shutting you up and saying: "Don't ask me about this". You have a right to ask him about whatever you want.

Well there are probably a variety of different options as to who could babysit the little girl. But it sounds like the lack of options isn't the problem but rather it's your husband. Is his daughter a single mother? Is the father and his family in the picture at all? Does your country's government have any financial assistance for single parents? The thing is that usually it doesn't just fall to only one grandparent to help look after the grandchildren. Having the granddaughter with you 3 - 4 days a week seems like too much. If she spends like only three days with her mother then how is she supposed to build a relationship with her own parent? Usually the other set of grandparents would also help babysit the child. But from your post I'm guessing that the father and his family aren't really in the picture? Another option is, could your husband go over to his daughter's place to look after his granddaughter? I actually agree with you that you need a break. Also it's actually the parent's responsibility to be raising their child. Unless your husband's daughter can't actually receive any financial assistance at all if she didn't work or worked less. But also I think yes it's fine to put the 2.5-year-old in childcare at least one or two days a week. In my opinion it's actually a good thing for her because she can learn how to socialise and make friends with other kids.

Personally I would definitely not want my spouse's mother or any other person having access to his bank account. Also personally I'm OK with not having a joint account but it makes no sense that someone else would have access to their account. To me marriage is a big commitment. It's the decision to share your life with that person. Especially if you have a child with that person, it's actually them who are your family. There is no need to monitor anyone's spending or policing what they buy etc. Even if I'm someone's wife, if they work and earn money then they are allowed to spend it within reason. If my partner has an addiction and spends money on the addiction then that's different. For example, if they have a gambling problem, drug problem, pornsite problem, etc. But if they're just spending money in a normal way like buy themselves video games, go out to eat, buy make-up, go to the movies, etc, etc. It is not my place to monitor them or control how they spend their money. My belief is people should be allowed to spend their money how they want if it's completely within reason. For example, I'm into arts and crafts so I should be able to buy that. The only reason why it would make sense to me that he's allowing his mother to monitor his bank account is if he's spending money on some kind of addiction or something dodgy. And he wants his mother to help reign him in.

Well I don't really understand much about mortgages and things like that because I never had one. I think what would be fair is if you paid the rent that you would normally pay for a place like that but got some discount because you're actually her partner and not just a tenant. The 15-year-old could get a small side job for some pocket money and maybe to contribute a bit to some groceries or something. I agree with you that you also shouldn't really pay half the bills because her kids are also raising the utility costs. But they're not your kids and she already gets child support and alimony. So she should be using that money which is for her children to cover their part of the bills. If she wants to shop at more expensive grocery stores that's up to her but you don't have to financially contribute to that. You can contribute say 1/4 amount to food because there's four of you in the house but she needs to be paying for her own children. They are being financially supported by their father so it's not your responsibility to pay for them. To be honest it actually sounds like your girlfriend is the one who's greedy and this situation isn't good. I think it's fine to break up with her over this because it's not a small thing. This shows you who she is as a person and you don't like what you're seeing. So why continue a relationship with someone who has no respect or consideration for you? They don't even wait for you to eat or leave you any food but you're supposed to be covering her mortgage expenses and her kids? No thanks.

This really doesn't sound normal at all. Sounds extremely weird and co-dependent. I don't think he should have to let his mother make any financial decisions for him or even go furniture shopping with you or anything like that. Why does she get to come along to "approve" of the furniture you're buying? It's not her house or her life. It's really none of her business what your husband spends money on unless it's related to her in some way. If he works and it's his money then what's it got to do with her? I find it very weird that he would rather let his mother monitor his bank accounts rather than his own wife. She really needs to stay out of all of it. The big problem though is that it's actually your husband who wants this. The reason why this is happening is because he's fine with this situation and has no problem with it at all. In my opinion your husband is acting very disrespectful towards you. If anyone should have a say what he's spending money on or what things to buy, it should be you - his wife. That's the way it is in marriage. It's you and him who are in this marriage. Not him and his mother.

Well he's right, you do deserve better. The way he was behaving to me seems completely inappropriate. It seems that he was either actually not as into you as he made it out to be. Or he's got a very unhealthy and co-dependent relationship with his family, especially his mother. When someone really likes/loves someone and is even engaged, it's not normal to keep hiding that person and always putting them second. Who cares if his mother didn't approve of your relationship? If you did nothing wrong then your ex should have stood up for you and basically said: "You have to accept this relationship and that's that". He's in his 30's so why is he playing to his mother's fiddle and just doing every she wants? It's not normal to hide you're engaged because you're scared what your family will think. Unless you're from very different cultural backgrounds or religious and it's not acceptable then what's the problem? The other thing is maybe he wasn't actually that in love with you so he liked to blame everything on his mother. It doesn't sound to me like he actually wanted to celebrate your anniversary. It doesn't matter that his family came to visit. He could have still taken one day or evening to spend that just with you for your anniversary. It sounds like maybe he was already checking out of the relationship so he preferred to just spend the time with his family and not with you. The fact that he bought his own apartment probably points to this as well. If he wanted a future with you then he would have made it happen. But he chose not to. Also he is a huge Mummy's boy and acting more like a child or teenager and not a grown man in his 30's.

I don't really agree that just because the boss said: "Attraction we have for each other" that this attraction is actually mutual. I don't actually see where his girlfriend was saying or doing something to show that she is into him romantically. If I was required to go on a work trip with a male boss, I would go if I had no reason to believe that he's sleazy or inappropriate. Keep in mind she didn't suggest the dinner herself but the boss suggested it. I would have gone to the dinner if I was hungry and I had no reason the boss was doing anything inappropriate. I would just go for dinner to eat food. Maybe the stroll was unnecessary. To be honest, depending on the safety of the city, it's probably better for a woman to walk with a man at night than alone. Especially if she doesn't live in that city and doesn't know anyone there. I would probably "go for a stroll" in the sense if we're walking back to our hotel and we have a look around. If the boss said let's go to a bar or night club then I wouldn't go. I think you're victim blaming in some sense because you're saying she was definitely encouraging the boss's behaviour. I've had plenty of guys hit on me when I didn't encourage it at all. Some of those guys were married. They just started hitting on me but I wasn't initiating it. I think the important thing is to see how she responds from here. As I said, if she can avoid going on any trips, she should do that. If she can't help going on the trip then she should say she's already eaten dinner or not hungry, etc. The other option would be to quit the job but that would depend on how important the job is to her. Or how easy it is to find a job like this. Getting a professional industry job is usually not easy and can be competitive. I think if she can handle the boss situation without that then it's not necessarily to quit the job as a first step. The first step would be to make it very clear to the boss she's not interested and distance from him. You also don't actually know if the boss is into her in the true sense. Maybe he's just sleazy and he saw an opportunity so tried it. But if she shuts him down he might forget about it and move on. Then who knows what will happen in the future. He might leave the job or she might or he/she might trasnsfer to another department. Or she could ask to transfer somewhere else within the company.

Well my thoughts are that maybe she actually isn't even into her boss. Otherwise why would she be telling you all of this? If she was into him or wanted to cheat then surely she wouldn't just come out and say all this? I think that going for dinner when you're on a work trip is probably not weird. If the co-workers are in another city, they have to eat food. And personally I'd rather eat food with my colleague because sitting alone in a restaurant is kind of awkward lol The boss sounds kind of sleazy and like a flirt. But having said that I don't think it definitely means he's trying to sleep with her. I mean, maybe he is, but he could also just be a flirt. I think it doesn't sound like your girlfriend is actually into her boss. The fact that she was so honest about it seems to point to that fact. I guess from here onwards she should probably just keep her distance from her boss. So if she can help it, maybe let someone else go on a work trip with him. Or if they go on a work trip and he suggests dinner, she could say she already ate. I mean, the only other option would be to quit the job.

Well to me the way I feel would probably depend on a few things. As someone else asked, were you and her physically intimate when she slept with that guy? Or were you more like friends but you liked each other? I think if you were just friends and not even dating then she wouldn't have necessarily thought that 100% you'd definitely be together. And yes in technical terms you actually weren't together. Another thing that would be a factor for me is if that guy is actually her really good friend outside of the theatre. Like, does she hang out with him or talk to him when they're not rehearsing or performing? Coz the thing is that maybe she hooked up with him just for sex and she's not into him now. But not being around him would require her to quit the theatre. I do find it weird though that she said you should get to know him. I don't understand why she thinks you'd want to do that? Having said that, if you don't feel comfortable and you really can't get past it, then that's just how you feel. People can also have different ways they date and different beliefs about hookups and dating. For example, some people don't see other people when they're seeing someone or have a "thing" with someone. But some do. Some people also think that a hookup is just a fun thing and doesn't mean anything. E.g. She actually has no feelings for that guy. And some people don't even do hookups. I think the main thing is to find someone who shares your beliefs and values about dating and relationships. If you were actually just friends then I don't think she was required to tell you if she slept with other guys. I think she only had to tell you about it if you were intimate and/or dating.

The thing is that most people go through tough times in life but not everyone turns to drugs. To me this seems very concerning because his mental health and addiction seem to have taken over him. If he's going through a custody battle, it seems like a very bad move to get into hard-core illegal drugs. Courts often seem to side with the mother more to begin with. But if he's frequently using drugs, 100% this can and most likely will be used against him in court. If you're using substances every day, it's not that easy to hide. One of his children might see him using it or acting weird and could tell their mother. If she's trying to get full custody of the kids then this just makes it so much easier for her. I think it's probably naive to think that some illegal drugs are not as harmful as others. Usually certain drugs are illegal because they're actually considered very harmful. Even legal substances like alcohol can definitely be harmful both psychologically and physically if the substance is abused. It's OK to have a glass of wine with dinner or go for a few drinks sometimes. But if the person drinks a bottle of wine every day then it becomes an actual addiction. In your partner's case it definitely sounds like it's become an addiction. I think with addiction it can be a slippery slope. My ex - fiance got addicted to nitrous oxide which here in Australia is actually not illegal. As far as I understand it's also supposed to be not that physically addictive. At first my ex was only using it occasionally and still working. But the addiction was getting worse and worse very quickly. It got to the point that he would use like a thousand pellets of nitrous every day. He stayed up all night doing it and didn't sleep. Eventually he got let go from work and he spent $10, 000 in six months just on the drugs alone. Here that's considered a very large amount of money. Most addiction probably starts out like that and at first the person is still functioning. Until they're not. I'm not saying you need to leave your partner straight away but I think you really need to assert your boundaries. You need to say that he needs to get help, go to counselling, do rehab. And if he doesn't give it up that you will reconsider the relationship. You can give him a chance to stop using but he needs to really think about his priorities. In my opinion DMT is worse than many other substances because it's mind altering. It's different to for example smoking or vaping. While it's bad for your health but it doesn't actually change your brain chemistry in the sense that it causes hallucinations or delusions. For example people who heavily used LSD sometimes developed permanent psychosis, paranoia and had flashbacks all their life.

How often is she going out with her friends? Is it very frequent? Does she get home late often? I think it's a difficult situation because people are allowed to have friends. But if she's giving more of her time to her friends than to you then obviously she's not putting enough effort into the relationship. I think the main issue here is that your idea of how to be in a relationship or what activities to do is just very different. You sound mature and responsible in the sense that you're concerned about staying out late before work nights and things like that. She sounds like she's very outgoing and wants to party and loves adventures. For example when you planned to watch a movie at home, she preferred to go on a 5 hour road trip instead of that. Yes she is being rude to cancel on your plans together. But also I just think you're incompatible. You're trying to make sure she rests before work but to her this just isn't a concern. She's totally fine with drinking and partying before work. Sorry but I don't think it's your job to be worrying about her work. If she gets in trouble at work then that's on her. You've only been together for five months and it's just too much work for you. I think for a relationship to work it's important to have things in common and the same values. Her idea of fun is going out drinking, but yours isn't. I don't think it's necessarily wrong to go out for drinks sometimes but if you're not into it then you just don't share the same interests.

I hate to say it but a 23-year-old is actually not a child. They are a legal adult in their mid 20's. I'm sure your BIL has done something to deserve being removed as a deacon. But you can't get into any legal trouble or things like get fired from your job for sleeping with a 23-year-old. So while yes, your BIL is more than double this girl's age, it's not illegal. Also I don't really see how him being with this girl actually affects you. You don't have to be friends with her if you don't want to. And if your husband isn't close to his brother anymore and doesn't even text him then why are you so worked up about all this?

Well to me it sounds like maybe you're just too different and your priorities in life are different. You're seven years older than her and you're a father. Whereas she doesn't have kids and sounds like she's a bit of a party girl and she loves going out and drinking. In my personal opinion someone is still allowed to have friends and go out even if they're in a relationship. But there needs to be a balance and respect and time for their partner. I'm not sure what you meant that you decided not to go pick someone up from the airport and how you were left in the car for five hours. I thought you said that she went with her gay best friend to pick someone up but you stayed home? I think unfortunately you can't really police someone and expect them to do certain things if they're just not wanting to do it on their own. In terms of picking someone up from the airport, I think if it was my car and I was asked to drive two hours each way, then I'd say no. But if my partner had their own car or I wasn't using my car and they went on their own, then I might be fine with it. I'm someone who really values my friendships. If it was my partner's good friend or family member that needed to be picked up, then I would understand. However in this case if she made the decision not to go pick the person up and you had plans together, then what she did was wrong. To me the issue would be not that she wanted to pick someone up but that she just randomly changed our plans at the last second and didn't care. In terms of her going out with friends, to me it would depend on how often she wanted to do it. Obviously in a relationship it's important to have time together. So I'd want my partner to dedicate just as much time (if not more) to me as to their friends. She did actually invite you to go out for drinks with her friends but I guess you didn't feel like going. I think if she goes out then she should respond to your messages and keep you updated. But in this case it sounds like she did want to include you. To be honest I don't think it's really your job to police her if she's going out and she has work the next day and things like that. You're supposed to be her partner, not her Dad. It obviously doesn't bother her if she has to work etc. It just sounds to me like you're just not on the same page regarding how you want the relationship to be and going out etc.