Smartcoukie

Unfortunately it's not feasible what you're suggesting, I couldn't just say an appointment because I said that at first when we started planning the time of the date and he asked ( we're kind of friends and talked about other things and work before he asked me out so it would be seen as rude if after asking I just responded with " it's an appointment" or just refuse to tell him) that would've been much easier and I wouldn't have been in this situation.

Thank you! I needed this validation because I'm just starting to learn this and become aware that actually oversharing like I used to do isn't a good "repellent" or filter for people who would be a good fit, and that in the wrong hands it can be used against me in an abusive relationship just like it happened before to me. It's just that I'm finding it hard and feeling guilty as if I'm being fake or a liar

I (28F) have recently started dating (26 M), we've been on 3 dates so far and considering how it went and the dating culture where I live it's safe to say we're in a relationship even though I still believe a clear establishing conversation is actually needed for such thing.. on our second date due to him having a business trip we arranged to meet for brunch right before my appointment with my therapist/psychologist because we couldn't arrange any other time.. I didn't feel comfortable telling him about it because I didn't feel comfortable enough telling the guy about my mental health, we barely know each other and I'm actually doing this as a new thing; as in actively and consciously preventing myself from over sharing and being too raw and vulnerable with people from the get go because of previous experiences and being given this advice. So I just told him I had an appointment with a physiotherapist for some back problems. He however asked me about it so I had to talk in some details which made me feel bad for lying especially since I couldn't find transportation and he kindly offered me a ride there... is it okay because I'm just protecting my privacy and actually being prudent or is it still lying? PS: I 100000% will be telling him about it all in the future if we stay together and become more serious and feel more comfortable sharing more of myself with him. Any advice on handling this is VERY appreciated

Update!! I haven't slept all night then managed to send the dreaded message. I cancelled and also wrote an in depth message explaining how wrong his behavior was and how I'm uncomfortable with being near him anymore. I really can't thank you enough to everyone who replied because you gave such important input. I keep reading your replies over and over again. I hope that this would be the instigator of me taking a stand for myself from now on

I can't thank you enough for your comprehensive and well thought out replies. It's really enlightening to understand how my behavior has developed and actually understand and put words to what I keep doing over n over. As for a trauma specialist I'm afraid we don't have that in my country here as mental health aside from actual psychiatry is still underdeveloped. I've only started traditional therapy with a therapist a month ago and my third appointment is in a few days. I will make sure to bring this up even though we've just started so I haven't even brought up anything related to relationships history yet. I'd like to add a little detail that might be important: I'm a recently graduated family doctor who's diagnosed with unipolar depression which is a kind of bipolar disorder involving only depression episodes not followed by manic or hypomanic episodes. Therapy aside from medication is a breakthrough for me and I'm proud to have finally taken this step after 5 years of medication for depression

This is very helpful thank you 🙏 I will just sleep off the anxiety for a few hours because I have to convince myself that messaging him to cancel would trigger a bad response that might lead to revenge or him hurting me.. I know it seems bizarre since I won't be meeting him, but having been blackmailed by my ex fiance threatening to send videos of me to my mother if I didn't get back together or send him money... I'm literally scared to this day 1.5 years later..

I'm sorry if it sounded like such behavior would be alright in case and towards any non consenting human being. I 10000% believe that and fiercely defend it. However I have been conditioned to take the blame for putting myself into said situation therefore being partly responsible for it by being there and letting myself get close to him or being spontaneous around him. Even when it happened " mind you I'm not even sure what 3rd base is but I wouldn't even let him take my clothes off and just tried to zone out the entire time. This is a completely eff up situation I'm fully aware. I have no excuse but distorted beliefs and despising yourself combined with being completely socially alone having finally survived depression. It really messes with your head as I juat need a friend and aomeone to simply go to places or have a conversation with

This part is brilliantly put out and hits hard because I finally have the words to describe it. You're 100% true. I will decide tomorrow wether to message him to cancel or if I'm too anxious to do that and just resort to blocking him from everywhere since thankfully he has no idea about where I live.

Thank you for your response, as implied or explained by my last comment to you, that's exactly the problem: I am fully aware it's not a wise decision at all. Maybe finally getting this off my chest and having other objective people say it to me alleviates a bit of my denial and validates my fears n therefore helping me take the right action

@Wiseman2 Please be kinder to me. The " you claim to be" part is very hurtful since I'm actually in deep Trauma and guilt actually gaslighting myself into not believing myself. Please understand that years of low self-esteem,SA and parental abuse coupled with depression can result in behaviors that actually do more harm than good. I am fully aware yet very crippled. I believe I am not strong enough for confrontation so at least I will guarantee my safety by blocking him amd ending all contact

@LootieTootie thank you so much for your kind and nonjudgmental response. The last part of it is completely true but I have such complexe issues that the first suggestion would be the best I can do even if it's very hard for me to do. I'm having to work through years of abuse and very low self-esteem that resulted in me dreading any sexual relationship even if I initiated it or was consenting at first. Mostly wanting affection n just foreplay at most.. to the point that I think I'm asexual but also maybe it's due to several attempts and actual incidents of SA. Thank you again for your response and hopefully I'll commemt again with a positive update

I completely understand what you're going through, you're completely normal and entitled to feel this way n shouldn't ever feel guilty for it. I was in the same situation although different because I was deeply in love but with an abusive partner and only came to be aware of it n take action 2 months before our wedding that I proudly n thankfully called off. I was excited but at the same time doubting it and not seeing my life as a married woman.. I felt I'd be much happier not married n dreaded it. I Know it's not the same but thankfully you have a healthy relationship with your partner so if introspection and talking it over with a therapist or a trusted confident doesn't help, you can have an honest but kind conversation with him expressing how you feel. It might surprise you if he'd confess he's having a very similar feeling as well. Good luck

I (28 f) met my friend (29 M) on a solotrip last year to a tropical country short after fleeing an abusive rel 2 months before the wedding. Friend n I met since day1 n we spent most of the trip together with his sister n he he helped me with lits of things I felt early on his attraction to me n brushed it off ( low self-esteem) one night we both got tipsy in the absence of his sister, I fell asleep n woke up to him touching me. he did it again though I said no I got up n lectured him abt consent n he was very apologetic n didn't try again. 2 days later I was tipsy n don't remember how but we went to 3rd base but consentually this time tho I didn't enjoy it. I also felt his jealousy tho he hid it when I met n him out with other people tho I invited him everywhere. He was kinda right tho cause one of these guys ended up coming onto me. last day of the trip we had a lovely conversation n had a simple goodbye kiss. We kept in touch eversince regularly n talked on the phone but it as purely friendly expect a few times telling me he's impressed how smart n cultivated I am n once that I'm very sexy. We were planning since the start to meet again this year mainly me visiting him in Europe( he's a native MEast/ european) but I couldn't due to visa n financial issues, he suggested meeting me in a country near mine later this year cause I told him I'm going there to visit a relative, a week ago he told me he's planning to visit my country next week for a few days since he was attending a wedding in a country nearby. Mind you he'd just gone back from a long vacation.. I was a bit surprised for the short notice but very excited to meet again nd be a tourist in my own country having had the worst year in my life so far n barely leaving the house. I helped him book 2 days in a hotel in my town then booked 2 days in a BNB in a nearby coastal town. We booked a triple bed room n it was my suggestion cause I can't afford to book my own n can't dare to have him pay for mine. Despite my excitement I can't help being concerned he's gonna come on to me n expect similar things to happen like last year. I've serious issues with boundaries n confrontation with a PTSD from previous SA n never had actual $eggs n don't want to have it anytime soon. However I fear I'm gonna give in to it even if i know I'm gonna dread for the before mentioned reason plus not being attracted to him. What should I do? n how to act ? knowin I actually appreciate him as a friend n his kindness towards me.