Experiencing anxiety about possible engagement

[primrose322]

I've been in a relationship for almost 2 years now with an extremely loving and patient person. From the moment we met, I felt a deep sense of comfort and emotional depth in our connection that I had never experienced before. He has always been an excellent listener, remembered the things that I told him and has been a great source of emotional support to me. I always felt so calm and collected when in his presence. I have met all of his friends and family, and we've recently been talking about getting engaged. 

He's very excited about the idea of taking the next step, but I can't help but feel a ton of anxiety. There are some moments where I feel truly excited about starting a life with him, but then there are other moments where I start to doubt everything and wonder if I'd be making the right decision. 

There are a few things that I feel are contributing to this - my bf can be a funny person at times, but he can also be very serious and is often lost in his thoughts. I always envisioned myself with someone who wasn't so serious and was more relaxed about life in general. As of now, I truly am satisfied with him and don't feel like anything is lacking, but I fear that several years down the road, I might find myself wishing that I was with someone who was more a bit more humorous, silly, and laid-back. I guess the upside of this is that he is very focused on his goals and is also a very devoted partner. Aside from this, there are no other major issues.

I have had some thoughts here and there about what life would be like without him, but it was too difficult and painful for me to imagine. He's the first person I want to tell everything to and his joy and sorrow truly feels like my joy and sorrow. I can't imagine him not being in my life. At the same time, I wish that I didn't have these doubts and worries about getting engaged - I wish I felt nothing but excitement. In the past, I've also been very hesitant to commit to anyone - this is my first real relationship and I'm in my early 30s. 

Are these doubts normal?

[Smartcoukie]

I completely understand what you're going through, you're completely normal and entitled to feel this way n shouldn't ever feel guilty for it. I was in the same situation although different because I was deeply in love but with an abusive partner and only came to be aware of it n take action 2 months before our wedding that I proudly n thankfully called off. I was excited but at the same time doubting it and not seeing my life as a married woman.. I felt I'd be much happier not married n dreaded it. I Know it's not the same but thankfully you have a healthy relationship with your partner so if introspection and talking it over with a therapist or a trusted confident doesn't help, you can have an honest but kind conversation with him expressing how you feel. It might surprise you if he'd confess he's having a very similar feeling as well.

Good luck 

[LootieTootie]

It just sounds like you're not ready for marriage. That's ok. You don't have to get married because you're in your 30s and feel like you are behind your peers. You're perfectly fine to pace yourself. 

Talk to your fiancé and let him know how you're feeling. 

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, primrose322 said:

 we've recently been talking about getting engaged.  wishing that I was with someone who was more a bit more humorous, silly, and laid-back. I can't imagine him not being in my life. I'm in my early 30s. 

Have you had relationships before? You've known him for 2 years so you know who he is.

Do you feel like he's a security blanket and the grass is greener elsewhere?

It sounds like your relationship is  in a rut. Perhaps you could liven things up by planning better dates and more fun.

A partner can't really be perpetually entertaining and amusing. You have to try to be fun yourself.

You're only talking about getting engaged , not actually getting engaged or married so you have some time to reflect.  

Perhaps see what you can do to improve the quality of the relationship or reflect if this is the right man/relationship for you.

[redswim30]

You can love someone and still not want to marry them.  

It doesn't sound like you are ready to get married, in general.  If that is the case, then I highly advise you as someone that got married too quickly the first time because I felt like I was "supposed to" without really evaluating how I felt.  In your early 30's, you are still very young and have plenty of time. This is not a decision to make hastily. 

Be careful about doing what everyone else wants.  Just because your BF is excited about the "next step" doesn't mean that you have to be.  Please just remember that even if he is the BEST guy in the world and been a great partner, you still don't "owe him" engagement if you are not feeling ready or comfortable.  Someone that truly loves you will understand that.  Please do not take any steps that you are not ready for.  That actually would not be fair or kind to him to step into an engagement when you are anything besides fully ready and excited.  That would be a betrayal and will ultimately hurt him more that simply telling him the truth now and postponing it, at least. 

It's very telling that you are feeling anxiety about this instead of excitement.  I would highly recommend having a conversation with him and telling him that you don't feel ready for engagement yet, but maybe someday. You have to be honest about this now, otherwise it will be a much bigger issue down the road.  If you truly care about him, do not wait until he's on one knee to have this conversation. 

Marriage isn't for everyone.  I say this as someone who got married and divorced at a young age- if something doesn't feel right, do NOT do it.  Something is holding you back from feeling solely excitement.  IMVHO, it sounds like you simply aren't ready for marriage yet and that's ok! 

When my first husband proposed, it felt off.   I didn't feel completely "right" and I too felt a lot of anxiety over it.  But I did what I felt I was "supposed to".   

When my current husband proposed, I felt nothing but excitement and we are incredibly happy together.  

They always say, if you have ANY doubts at ALL about getting married you shouldn't do it- Take it from someone who has been thru it- they are RIGHT. 

I recommend you first have a conversation with your BF and tell him in no uncertain terms that you are not ready to talk marriage yet.  Then I'd schedule a one on one with a counselor to discuss the possible reasons you are feeling this way.  You can love someone and still recognize that you may have long-term and potentially deal-breaking incompatibilities. 

BTW, a sense of humor is INCREDIBLY important in a long term marriage.  If you think he's too "serious" now, then I'd definitely be concerned if a strong sense of humor or "lightness" is important to you.  That's not nothing.  Core incompatibilities can erode a relationship over time.  Not everyone breaks up because they hate each other, remember that. 

GOOD LUCK