Vern

Now dont go and blame yourself for this. Relationships is also about creating boundaries (if grey areas appear such as this). You can go out and create them now. But this who she is (and will be after boundaries are created). Don't take the blame. I would exactly feel the same as you. She is not executing behaviour conducive to your relationship. How open is she about all of this? How did you get to know about this in the first place? Obviously people have their pasts and their "secrets" - but to move and grow into a relationship there is certain No-Go areas. This is one of them. Why / what does she have to justify to have so much attention? Try and discuss it with her. Maybe, just maybe she does have an uncertainty in terms of your relationship. I would rather speculate to say that this behaviour is embedded into her self / and very much there for lifting her self-esteem. How else is she behaving in terms of her confidence / relationships with parents, friends and her general self feeling.

I would be very careful if I were in your shoes. Does not sound to normal to me lad. I suggest you confront her / talk to her about this and clear your mind and your FEAR(S). This is going to bug you for a long time still if you try and sail around it. Honesty in trust after 5-months are important ingredients to a healthy relationship. Not sure the basis of the relationship - but I think you get my drift Be careful with yourself. Look after yourself first here. Regards Vern

Thanks for the support. This is by no means an easy decision. I am also looking at the mistakes I am making - although I believe it will take hard work to make this relationship work. I also believe we are taking serious responsibility for our own actions - she knows where she stands with me. I will by no means be blinded by the honeymoon up-cycle we are facing again. Some serious change / soul-searching / growth / trust / dealing with emotions need to manifest inside her. I want to give her a real opportunity to take time and find the beautiful person I know that she can be.

Venus - At least you are writing it out your self. l feel the writing helps a lot. My situation has changed quite a bit. girlfriend phoned me last night and we decided to have a closure meeting. A lot of hard words fell. I basically gave her a "run-down" of all the things I did not like. It was tough. She blamed me for "running away" when emotions get heated. Granted. I recommended therapy for her and she agreed. Hallelujah!! We have both decided to go and see a therapist - and then follow the recommendations (to go separately if required - and I said that I would support her all the way). Any advice here will be appreciated. I cooked lunch for us today and we had more discussions about the last couple of months and both have decided that we are going to give ourselves another try.

I made contact early on Tuesday morning. She replied on Friday evening. In the past I would have phoned her back immediately - would convince her (almost beg) that it is my mistake not to talk to her for a couple of days. I would then go to her place kiss and make up. This happened about 10 times in the 11 months. This is the first time she took so long (remember I drove off with her still at a restaurant). This time (last night) I did not phone her - just sent back a non-emotional text. And did not hear from her again. This is not nice. But it need to go this route for both of us to think about the relationship from the outside. I keep my mobile switched off for most of the time. Do I want her back? I would answer first yes and then no. YES if it is her without her uncertainties / outbursts / verbal abuse. I love her. NO for the reasons under YES. I do not think it is up to me to make the changes in her. I have contributed a lot to this relationship - with minimal ROI. Too much give with so little in return is not worth it. Maybe this relationship was more a challenge to try and make somebody "healthy" - I became to emotionally involved. Many times out of the blue she would tell me and her friends / mother that I am her psychologist (but not really saying why). I think she thought our discussions and my healthy perspective on life is / was therapy to her. And I never told her so. Later on it felt that way deep down inside me. I feel like coming in from a cold night outside and slowly, but surely warming-up inside at the fireplace. I prefer the heat.

Thanks for the update / positive feedback guys. The last two weeks was so tuff. I broke NC once, but at least understand the importance of taking time out to evaluate the self / the situation / the stress. And I feel relieved to worry about a couple of less things in my life. At least I can surf the web for hours/ get my email done quicker / update my computer software / go out with other friends / make decisions just for me / think about buying a new car / reading / spend more time with family - it still hurts, very much. The focus is at least back on the self - I find that I think about her less every day. The suffering was really bad on Wednesday and Thursday this week. Worried about breaking contact - but Thursday night was the best night I have had in a long time. About 2 months ago I was introduced to a fairly good-looking Swiss post-graduate student which I first thought was a lecturer (I am from the south of Africa). We made a bit of eye contact, but I left it there. Last week I was asked to lecture a post-graduate PR Management class on Thursday evenings. Not too keen I agreed - guess who walked into my class - the lady / heidi from the mountains. And she is nice - but have to go back October 05. Had a text from the ex last night - telling me that If I loved her things could have been different. I could not believed my eyes. I text back and said that it is actually the other way round. Vern

This is a great post. I think a lot of posters will get advice and answers here. After being in a difficult relationship for almost a year all my private research and the advice given by my support system pointed me in the same direction. On the the one side I still love and is sad about the relationship (I miss her so much). But on the other side it is quite a relieve that I do not have the intense stress of "what will happen next". And I know now there is not much I can do to "rescue" her. The focus should be on the self first to heal and then to reach-out to the dysfunctional person (if you dare!!). I never thought I would get over this person, but now after a couple of weeks the picture of me being healthy on my own is getting clearer. I hope that everybody here will click by and read your thread. Vern

Thanks Muneca Therapy is a serious consideration. I just feel with time this will also go away. I felt so vulnerable this morning. Started my day and now peparing for some evening class work I feel OK. I will monitor my own healing and will go for therapy if required. I never felt like this before and have delt with someone with serious behavior / dysfunctional issues. I am more concerned with her well-being than my own at the moment. And I know my focus should be on me. I have never in any of my previous relationships / day-to-day intractions with people expereinced so many self-doubt / insecurities / inconsistant behaviours. I was aware of the type of person she is right from the start. But could not get myself to detach. I know that we are worlds apart ito the way we perceive / interact with most things in live. I just need to set myself free from some of this self-grief and anger that has manifested for the first time in my life. But it is still tough - I once pictured a life with this woman (even then I new I am not honest with myself).

Thanks Demond Of course you are right. Driving this morning I just thought of the so many people going through these motions. I just never felt so bad breaking-uo with anybody in the past. Bu then again with this gilr I knew these days (of breaking-up) will be just around the corner. I am surprised it took so long - then again though I could heal her from all her issues (and I know that is not possible). The good was o so good, but the down and the abusive and manipulation I received was eating away at me. And she could be such a nice girl / person /friend. Bu amongs 2o people in my informal support group I CANNOT be the only one that think this relationship could work. As one person put's it "the leopard does not change it spots". Her negative behaviour(s) always worked in cycles. To the extend that I was expecting it. Still when the highs were there - it was good. In my hart I know (from the beginning what to do) - executing it not that easy. Regards, Vern

After 12 days I broke contact with my ex - www.enotalone.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=60675 to tell her that I do not expect anything, but that I am sorry. I left her a text message. Now I feel horrible. I told my support system I will not do NC. But I just did. I just felt bad not to aplogize - although I know I have to focus on the big picuture. I have to go out now to lecture a class on leadership - and I do not think this is what I displayed this morning early. This feels completely out of context of who I am. I read the sories here and feel with everyone. Makes me more sad that we have to go through all of this. I feel for all. Vern

Men are obviously affected emotionally by a break-up. To generalize is unfair to so many men (including myself) that go through more/less the same emotions you are going through at the moment. I will be strong if I were you. Do not contact him. And what type of man delivers flowers and does the disappearing act. Think twice about this man. It is not necessarily the mistakes he has made, but the uncertainty that the relationship might cause him. This is enough reason to have a serious discussion with him. Make a list of things that work / does not work between the two of you. Evaluate objectively if it is going to be worth it to try again (that is if you see him again). Take some time out and decide what is really good for you. Vern

Your comments will be apprecated. I am currently reading the 62-page letter (posted on [link removed[/url]) with tears in my eyes. Many areas / pages of the letter I can replace with my name and that of my ex girlfriend (11 month relationship) whom I suspect has BPD. A week ago I felt like writing a similar letter to act as therapy - until I somehow stumbled accross the Letter. I am 40-year male and my ex is 31. I am a university lecturer / business consultant with a good college education. Never been married with two longer-term relationships over the last 5 or so years. Both of them stable in nature, but broke up due to me not ready for marriage due to building a business / career. The current ex left school spent a couple of years overseas and is currently working as an assistant general manager at a local hotel / lodge. This is also where I met her. Really beautiful and I (we) fell in love almost immediately. She has been engaged twice – but never married. We are not living together, but I would spend 3 to 4 nights a week at her place. It will 8 out of 10 times be a beg / mission to get her to come to my place. A place she sometimes refers to as the holiday flat (can only be the sea / mountain view). I thought it could be a place where we both could live eventually... She displayed insecurities right from the start and many have to do with ie. (I suspect) the fact that I drive a new Mercedes (my biggest hobby) / have a very comprehensive library full of academic and business books (big hobby). O yes I happened to be an ex-chef in military service that can cook up a storm when in the kitchen (big hobby). Up to the end she stressed when she wanted to cook – and all I ever tried to do was to support her and provide space for her while she is / was in kitchen. All big arguments from her side will have elements in of "it always about your car and your books" and then of course I did not even talk about it for perhaps days / weeks before. She competes with all of the things that is so close to me – all the things that I wanted to share with her unconditionally. Unbelievable how often these things get thrown in an argument together with an "ego" I apparently have. And of course all the ladies that I take around in my car (in her mind) – "and that I see / flirt with every student / every day in my classroom(s)". My family and my wonderful off-line support system all appose the relationship – as I also carry some minor physical scratches from her outbursts. All are frightened I will come home via the newspaper one day. It takes sometimes weeks to do any planning. She never thinks ahead for more than one or two days. And always when I invited her to go away with me for a weekend she complains that she does not have the budget (and this after my invitation). I have had to cancel more than one weekend – after paying for accommodation – as if she is punishing me / controlling me. Her mom once begged me to take her to a therapist. She refused. After I left her a couple of weeks ago the only message received was I should be the one to go. Eventually she agreed that both of us should go –and of course we never did. Two weeks ago one morning I playfully placed a little sticker on her pants as she was getting dressed – she went ballistic. I sat in shock. After returning from the bathroom she requested that I should not sit in sulk / stare as if I am an abused child. I went to the lounge with tears in my eyes. – without her knowing. Hours later she apologized. This all a couple of hours before leaving for a weekend in the country. On more than one occasion when I did not take her calls (after fights) she would pitch at my apartment very smartly dressed to see I was on my own. She actually when walk-about in my room(s). An hour or so later she would tell me I am the best / most perfect man in the world. Hallelujah folks!!! – is this good or is this bad….? We would sometimes drive in the car and for absolutely now reason she would became distant and super-silent. It always felt that I did something wrong. Everything the author in the Letter loved about Terry I see in my ex. But all the negatives are there as well. Although not as consistent - but when it flare up it leaves me devastated. I never ever before this relationship got abusive in any physical way - but here in trying to make points and hold her while she has outbursts left me to believe I can get physically abusive. And I am ashamed and appalled by my unprofessional action. And will be for a long time. I love her very much, but last week I left her for the second time in our 11-month relationship in a restaurant after she became verbally abusive (now I know that it is finished). She had to walk home for about 1.5 kilometres – I have had enough! I have not contacted her since. The section the author in the Letter explained about the families is exactly the same as my family comparing to hers. Stability between my parents and children vs. abuse between her parents and her brother hitting her until she was about sixteen - and o boy and is she "cheeky" sometimes. Her beautiful face change into that of the total opposite - almost monstrous with no facial expressions / no intelligence - ten minutes later she is sweet - 20 minutes later she will be acting 10 years old to get all the attention. This behaviour she frequently used to get her way / or to apologize. I am just trying to explain the things as I remember it... I have made No Contact with her for the past 7 days and I am busy picking up the pieces from my otherwise healthy self-esteem. The Letter provides so much sense and good understanding. I am so SAD. I would have done anything. But I realise now you cannot try to love somebody if the reciprocal feelings are not there. Love either manifests healthy (over time)or not at all – I now believe. I have more mature adult discussions with my day-to-day interactions with my students. It at least leave me fulfilled that no one is fighting. I am not sure that my NC behaviour is the correct choice – but I need to come up for air. I would like to add that I have never dealt with someone that could be stable / secure / in control and then suddenly to loose it so quickly for some trivial reason. I stay in a part of a country that grow and love wine. I am a social drinker and with my ex it is almost always a matter of when she are going to start with arguing (like not knowing her own inhibitions) after a few glasses of wine. Verbal abusive behaviour almost always happened. Too the extend where I tried to not drink wine at all. At the same time she tried quitting smoking. The next thing she accused me of denying her to smoke / drink. I will never do something like that. Knowing the potential outburst - and it is not my call. With intimacy I feel like a stranger at times. Other times she will tell me I am the best lover in the world. Sometimes she will get this scared look on her face and I will feel / think "she might think she is being raped". I tried to communicate to her about this, but no real reaction. In the beginning she would push me away at the most intimate points. I think this is where my fear and confusion started. She also find it difficult to express her emotions - I always encourage her to cry if she needs to, but when she do it seems out of context with what is happening at that moment. She avoids / refuses discussion (in a nice way). She will sometimes tell me that I do not love her and will leave her for someone else. This will come out of the blue when talking to her "about us" and how much this relationship mean to me. One night in a long tantrum / rage I text a lady friend for "emergency assistance". The ex was not in the room – when the return message came through I was in the bathroom. She threw my mobile in the toilet after reading it... I left that night without socks and holes in my head due to physical abuse – as she threw anything at me what she saw in front of her. I know I should not have text somebody else. I have learned to deal with these things pretty quickly after that – and that is to walk away. I once went to visit a friend of her mother's while visiting a client in the same area. When I told her about it she accused me of having an affair and she slapped me with force through the face twice. This while her brother and mother was somewhere else in her apartment. Apparently when at school she was a provincial league tennis player. I tried to pick up the hobby with her, but for months could not go as far to get her rackets from her mom (in a different town). When talking about it she is always excited, but coming to the push to do nothing happened. Two weeks ago she said if we cannot even play tennis together, how could we expect to have a relationship. This after we went past the tennis courts (close to my apartment) / looked at new rackets. She seems never be able to make a decision with her in it. I feel that she "run away" from almost all opportunity of social development / growth and planning the future might hold for her. I do not believe a lot of growth / social development happened in most of her child and adult life. I feel that she is struggling with her perceived gap between her position in life and mine (most other successful people – I do not think she will ever think of herself as successful). And her focus is only on the discrepancies in terms of my social status / income / living standard / education. She perceived me with egoistic status and living a high lifestyle to attract other people. I actually live so isolated – and are merely enjoying my lifestyle / hobbies when my doors are closed and when I am with her. Many days she is not mentally older than about sixteen. Some days I think it goes down to about 12-14 (even lower). Even her smile / facial expressions / voice changes with her moods / feelings. Vern