Berty75
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Break up - reunite - married * My cousin (together 3yrs - apart 8yrs - married now) * My roomate from college (together 1 yr - apart 4 months - married now) * Co-worker (together 2 yrs - apart 6 months - married now) I have another story. Actually...it's mine. We dated for 3 1/2 years. Stress and commitment problems broke us up (I wanted marriage, he didn't). For me, NC was never going to work so we did maintain contact (IM, email and phone only). We slowly worked our way back. We had a "date" after 3 months and were fully "back together" after 6 months. Even now, it's work. But I am happier with him now than I have been in a LONG time, even before the break up. We go to counseling together to work out the kinks and to figure out why we lost each other. We have been going strong since May, so maybe there are some happy endings out there... This site helped me SO much during my break up. I came back on a whim looking to see how it worked out for DaisyB (we had similar stories) ---DAISY????------and when I read this I felt the need to share. I hope you all find what it is you seek. Good luck
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Daisy- I am sorry hun. My stomach flipped for you. You are so strong and I have total faith in your choices and instincts. How difficult it is to put it out there. It something not everyone can do. You obviously have a good sense of yourself and what you need to do to make yourself happy. I wouldn't give up on him either. You'll know in your heart when you're "all done", and when that feeling comes (IF it does), it won't be as hard to move on. I was thinking....maybe he just thinks he's not in love with you. Maybe he's not ready to turn his thinking inward and find out what his problem is. Perhaps the only way he can make sense of his own behavior and treatment of you is to convince himself he wasn't "in love" with you. Afterall, if he was, he wouldn't want to be with out you. So maybe it's his way of coping? Does that make sense? In the case of a person with commitment fears, love doesn't have anything to do with it. I think he just has his head up is b*tt and he doesn't know what to do! His "obstructed view" of it all, is making it hard for him to see what you mean to him. Give him his space, as hard as it will be. If you do talk, remain honest. Tell him how you feel and what you need. Then you know if (when) he does come back, it will be for good this time. Seriously, you are my hero. We are all rooting for you. Go and have a fabulous time this weekend. A little "flirty" attention makes everyone feel better Good luck. Just write if you need anything. -Berty
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You are so right Ziggy. You are a very insightful person. Thank you. You too Strong1! Thank you and great advice. I will continue on and wait to spill it when I have more of a concrete situation. It is hard to ignore advice from people you love and trust though. Sometimes I get the impression that my friends are completely convinced this will blow up in my face and they are not looking forward to "picking up the pieces" again. I do understand their opinions, but it is rough. I went to see my ex this past weekend. My best friend called my cell and "caught" me in the car on the way to his place. She wasn't angry, just like "I thought you guys weren't back together yet". I wish I had someone who was excited for me that my ex and I are starting to say "I love you" again, that we talk a lot now, that our weekend was great. When I do share, I feel like I have to down play what is going on. But I suppose that is for my own sake as well. If, it does blow up on me, I won't have to go back to all of them and say "poor me, you were right". People will probably want to kick my ass for this one...so sorry if I sound like a selfish brat.... But, now that we are talking again I don't actually feel as fabulous as I thought I would. At first I was VERY happy and excited, but now it is getting mixed with trepidation. I mean, when we broke up, I didn't have to fear the worst anymore or wait for the "axe to drop", because it had already happened and I survived it (barely!). Now, I have that "oh, God...what will happen next and can I trust it" fear. Weird I know. NOT to say that I am not grateful to be getting a chance I had been dreaming and praying for, for three months...I am! It's just, that pain was like nothing I ever felt before (I'm sure you all understand that) and the instinctual need to protect myself from that pain again is detracting from my happiness. I mean, is a love doomed if it didn't go right the first time? It's also making me a crazy analyzer I wish I could just shut up and let it ride! Do any of you actually think about what it would be like to start all over again, with someone new? It scares me and I'm not interested, but a girlfriend of mine (who's married by the way) says that she misses the whole "new beginning excitment" and envys me. Crazy huh? Who knew we would ever be an enviable crowd? Ok, I've babbled on enough. Thanks again. Good luck to you guys!
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yeah! Good for you Daisy! You have exactly the right idea. Put it out there, but with confidence. It is really tuff to do and sometimes, especailly when they pull back, the confidence waivers a bit. Stick to it. You are my hero! Keep us updated in what happens next. I'm interested in what you said in the email and what his response is??
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Ha! Ha! ok so I am a corny spaz! I was feeling dramatic at the moment. I couldn't help it I'll try not to let it happen again
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Thank you! You guys truly are so helpful and right! I do realize what my friends and family are feeling now. It must be hard to sit back and watch someone continue down a path you believe will lead them to more pain. You want to grab them and shake some sense into to them, but you can't. So you offer up "friendly advice". Sometimes that advice is much needed and quite helpful. But in the end, we all have to make our own choice, especailly when it concerns the heart. Hopefully, the things we learn along the way from people who care about us, will help. I still feel that talking with him and giving it that one last try, is what I need to do. I hope it works out, I really do. I'm scared, REALLY SCARED, but now I know I am not alone. ohh, so corny and I didn't even plan it that way! Each of you had a valid point that I really took to heart. I guess that is why we all sought out this forum? I mean, this is the place where you know that everyone else knows (in some way or another), exactly how you feel and what you should do about it. I think I would be lost with out it. I only hope that I can offer up some wise advice too. Let me know if you need any Thanks again! Good luck.
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Thank you SO much ravens and vetgirl! I really appreciate what you had to say. I don't mean to complain. At least we are talking...right? It's just hard because I sometimes want to feel joy and excitment over the prospect of "maybe" getting back together. But the fact that they disagree makes me want to hide it. Then it becomes this bad secret I have. I do understand where they are coming from. I guess if I'm honest, I'm leary too. I'm so afraid of believing in him again and having it completely fall apart. Thinking you are going to marry someone and then having it torn from you...well, it was painful. A pain I don't ever want to feel again. I suppose I feel I shouldn't have doubts since I have been hoping and praying to be at this point for so long. I feel guilty. I feel unsure. And yet, slightly excited. Does that make any sense? DO you really think someone can call off an almost-engagement (he ordered the ring, but never picked it up) and then change their mind and decide they do want it? Just slower this time? (I pushed alot to get engaged). Should I trust him? What are your stories? Good luck girls and thank you again!!!
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I completely agree with you Daisy! You have so much more power then you think. He has so much more to lose then you do. He is the one with commitment issues. Be you. Be strong. Kick his emotionally unstable butt! Ok, I got alittle carried away But I do think when he finally realizes that you're not going to wait forever with arms open and a forgiving heart, he'll come around. He just needs a little shove in that direction. Shake him up. Work on you. And maybe, when your finally on the other side of this all... you will find yourselves back together (better then before) or completely over it. Either way, love is surely going to come your way again. To all of us...I hope You have a great support system going and a lot of people on your side. Good Luck! *I sent you a PM-check it out.
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I was wondering if anyone out there....still talking to their ex, has had problems with friends and family or wondering if they even should try?? My ex and I still talk. **Broke up with me 4 months ago after 3 1/2 years over fears of marriage** I'm supposed to be "angry at him" or "hate him" or do the whole no contact thing. But I just couldn't do it. It made me crazy not to talk to him. So I called him and 4 months later and A LOT of work later, we are tentaively getting back together. I'm not even sure it will work of if it;s the right thing to do??? It's still up in the air and we have so much more to do, but it doesn't help the situation that all I get is grief and "are you sure" and sighs of disappointment from everyone I tell. It scares me. It makes me feel like I'm making a mistake. That it will all fall apart again or blow up in my face. I feel like I will be stuck with a wave of "I told you so's" too. I understand that they just want me to be safe and happy and to not get hurt again. But, do you ever wonder if they know something you don't? Like, being on the outside of it gives them a better perspective on it all? Are they right? I persoanlly think that no one's love story is perfect...unless it's your own. I mean, was it my dream to fall in love, get dumped over marriage and then "maybe" get back together? No. But does that mean it's wrong? And who can tell you when you're "all done" with someone you love. Only you know that. I think we all know the point when you just can't do it anymore. I know I had to try again. Because even if it does fail, I know it's what I needed to do. I think that if I don't close the door myself, on my own terms, it will never close. I'll never heal and I'll never get over it all. So, I'm just wondering...is anyone trying to get back together and facing a lot of struggle? Personally or with friends/family? Best of luck to you all. berty75
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Sound advice beloved 2615! I completely agree. As hard as it is, I think you have to step back a bit. Act happy and carefree. It's scary I know. You think if you give them too much space, they will just keep on going. But in truth, if that happens ...well then we all know that saying right? The last thing you want to do is crowd her. The more you push, the further away she will go. Maybe it all moved too quickly for her and she's just not ready for an adult relationship? Only time will tell. I'm sorry you are going through this. Best of luck.
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DaisyB- I sent a PM to you, let me know what you think. WildB1 - Ah ha. I knew there were more of us out there I guess letting go and moving on isn't what works for everyone. What is your story??? Don't be afraid to take her calls. Just don't be as "available". Let het her leave you a message and then call her back in an hour. When you talk to her, be light and fun. Try your best not to bring up the relationship. I know it's tough, but it may help. Good luck
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I'm right there with you!
Berty75 replied to Berty75's topic in Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend Relationships
I realize that my meesage makes it sound as if the break up is over or that I am in the clear some how. That is NOT the case. It's still a daily srtruggle. He doesn't want to "define" anything and to be honest, I just don't trust it all yet. I still have down days and cry...I just don't let him see it. I still over analyze. I still brace myself for the "speech" where he says he's changed his mind, especially when he doesn't contact me that day. There is a lot of pain to work trhough and no real answers yet. Just progress. Not just in my "relationship" but in myself as well. I am trying very hard. Maybe I'll find myself on the other side of this in love and happy with him again or maybe I'll find myself over him completely. There is so much support and GREAT advice here. I don't think there is one method or story that will work for everyone. In the end, I gues the goal is to get through each day and try not to sit and wait for them to decide what happens next in your life. There has to be light at the end of the tunnel. I mean if anyone deserves a little filppin sunshine in their lives....it's all of us! -
Hi All, I have lurking around on this site for about 3 months now. I can't tell you how helpful it's been and how it got me through some very tough moments. It continues to. Thank you! Daisy B - It's your posts that actually got me to become a member. When I read them, it was like reading my own story. I had to reply. I think our exs were separated at birth! I dated my ex for 3 1/2 years and we broke up about 3 months ago. We had a great relationship. Our biggest (and only) problem during the relationship....his fear of commitment. Just like your ex, he would take forever to make any descions, big or small (he waited until 2 weeks before law school started to actually commit to going!). We had also had the "marriage talk" and we even went as far as to go ring shopping. However, everytime we got SO close...he would back down (it happened 2x). It made me insane. I couldn't understand the switch in feelings. I would push and push. Then I would talk and talk. Then analyze his every word and action trying to make sense of it all. Eventually it got to be too much for him and he broke up with me. I pleaded for a day or two, then I claimed I just wanted friendship (yeah right). In the end I confessed my heart was still involved. Like you, we continued contact. We talked 3x a week, IMs, emails. It didn't seem like much of a break up to me. I would save them and re-read them to try and figure out what he was thinking (crazy-right?) Everytime the relationship came up though, he would say "I'm not sure what I want right now" and "this is good for us/me" and "only time will tell". We've seen each other 2 x since then (he lives 3 hours away-law school) and we also "re-kinlded the fires" so don't feel bad about that one We actually still say "I love you" and have transitioned into "dating" and we agreed not to see other people. It was a long hard struggle to get here though. To be honest, I'm still not sure where we are going. He still says "let's see where it leads us"...always the least amount of commitment possible. I mean, we could get back together, only for him to freak out and leave again. I don't ever want to feel that pain again! I sometimes have nightmares of him leaving me at the alter. I think the whole thing is really about their fears and our inability to let them go. I still have hope, but it's cautious hope. And, even though we talk more now, I still analyze everything he says! Anyway, I completely babbled...sorry! I just wanted you to know how similar our stories where (to many others too- I'm sure) and that I completely understand how you feel and where you are. Let me know if I can ever help analyze...I've think I've gotten very good at it Good luck to all of you!
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Hi All, I have lurking around on this site for about 3 months now. I can't tell you how helpful it's been and how it got me through some very tough moments. Thank you! Daisy B - It's your posts that actually got me to become a member. When I read them, it was like reading my own story. I had to reply. I think our exs were separated at birth! I dated my ex for 3 1/2 years and we broke up about 3 months ago. We had a great relationship. Our biggest (and only) problem during the relationship....his fear of commitment. Just like your ex, he would take forever to make any descions, big or small (he waited until 2 weeks before law school started to actually commit to going!). We had also had the "marriage talk" and we even went as far as to go ring shopping. However, everytime we got SO close...he would back down (it happened 2x). It made me insane. I couldn't understand the switch in feelings. I would push and push. Then I would talk and talk. Then analyze his every word and action trying to make sense of it all. Eventually it got to be too much for him and he broke up with me. I pleaded for a day or two, then I claimed I just wanted friendship (yeah right). In the end I confessed my heart was still involved. Like you, we continued contact. We talked 3x a week, IMs, emails. It didn't seem like much of a break up to me. I would save them and re-read them to try and figure out what he was thinking (crazy-right?) Everytime the relationship came up though, he would say "I'm not sure what I want right now" and "this is good for us/me" and "only time will tell". We've seen each other 2 x since then (he lives 3 hours away-law school) and we also "re-kinlded the fires" so don't feel bad about that one We actually still say "I love you" and have transitioned into "dating" and we agreed not to see other people. It was a long hard struggle to get here though. To be honest, I'm still not sure where we are going. He still says "let's see where it leads us"...always the least amount of commitment possible. I mean, we could get back together, only for him to freak out and leave again. I don't ever want to feel that pain again! I sometimes have nightmares of him leaving me at the alter. I think the whole thing is really about their fears and our inability to let them go. I still have hope, but it's cautious hope. And, even though we talk more now, I still analyze everything he says! Anyway, I completely babbled...sorry! I just wanted you to know how similar our stories where (to many others too- I'm sure) and that I completely understand how you feel and where you are. Let me know if I can ever help analyze...I've think I've gotten very good at it Good luck to all of you!