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Thread: Explaining oneself

  1. #1
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    Explaining oneself

    The issue is the need to explain myself. I just can't stand if there is a possibility that there might be a misunderstanding and if the person things something wrong of me. To the point where I go on thinking about it a lot, unless there is a good opportunity to explain or talk.

    So, I suppose it can be normal to want to avoid misunderstanding and to care what someone thinks (especially if it is a person who has some significance in one's life rather than a random stranger), but I question the extent.

    The specific example: few days back I got a message from a friend with whom we had a turbulent dating experience back in 2016, which gradually calmed down. He was the one to break up with me; at first friendship was too hard for me, but over the years I calmed down, and started dating others. We stayed friends, albeit not too close, as he always said he wanted to retain friendship but we were in different countries.

    Also, early this year he got married. Before the virus broke out, I sent a couple of messages that I was going to be in his city (my family lives here) suggesting to meet up for a coffee (with his wife in case if she felt like joining). He replied in a warm tone, but saying that given his change in status and our past, he doesn't think continuing friendship would be healthy for either of us.

    I suppose people have right to change their minds, so I understand.
    However, then I started worrying that one of my messages may have been misinterpreted as coming on a bit. I wrote it in a flood of warm emotions from meeting other friends (who are rather touchy-feely), and it may have spilled over. I said something about reconnecting and how good it would be. Nothing inappropriate, but warmer than I should've (some people are really affectionate while others more reserved, kind of like comparing Latinos with Estonians). But it could be misconstrued by him as something undue.

    This nasty little thought has bugged me the last days. I examined myself, and deep down I know I had no inappropriate intentions, and was set in a warm but very respectful state. It got to the point where I thought of sending him a couple of lines just to assure I meant well and within respectable lines; but not sure whether I should do that.

    See, here is this need to explain and the fear of what he might think. I am ok with us going separate ways. But I'd hate if he suspected something inappropriate from my side.

    Is it normal to feel this, and what should I do?


    Secondly, have other people here felt anything similar?

  2. #2
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    This is why being friends with an ex is not a good idea.
    It only lasts until one or other gets into a relationship, the friendship ends there and then and more abruptly than the initial break up.

    It was inappropriate to suggest to catch up since you knew he was married, even if you extended the invite to his wife.
    He clearly wasnít a friend or even close friend ever!
    Why did YOU want to meet him?

    I donít get why you would!?

  3. #3
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    Well I could be wrong here but to me it sounds like you actually have feelings for him. Which is why you are worried about all this to such an extent. And if that is the case then I really think it's for the best that you and this guy don't stay friends. I think also maybe his interest in you was never really what you call genuine friendship. I know you'd dated so his interest in you was romantic/sex. Then maybe he was still keeping in touch because he thought that maybe you could at some point hookup again. Or maybe he liked the attention. I think he probably didn't think of you as a good friend exactly because now that he has his wife, he has no interest in being friends. I don't think you said anything that bad because you invited his wife to come out with you too. He obviously just doesn't want to keep in touch because now he has the wife and you're no longer there "on the backburner".

  4. #4
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Yeah, you're definitely over-thinking. It's reasonable to not want to jeopardize a new relationship by keeping in touch with an ex. No healthy person in their right mind would involve themselves with anyone who's still got that kind of old business floating around, and on some level, even the deluded people who try to keep collections of exes know this.

    So instead of worrying about how you came off to some guy who dumped you ages ago, focus instead on your own motives for continuing contact with him. If those were as harmless as you'd like to believe, then you'd minimize his importance instead of inflating it to torture yourself--and move FORward.

    Head high, and recognize where our responsibility for expressing ourselves ends, and credit the people who matter as capable of viewing us through the right lens. You'll thank yourself sooner rather than later for learning how to do this. Let everyone else go.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How did he respond?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I think he did the right thing. He's married. His obligation is to his wife.

    Regardless of how you feel, over thinking etc, recognize that in some respects this is very self centered of you. The man is married. He politely let you know its inappropriate and he does not care to continue anything.... Doesn't make you a bad person or anything..its not about you.

    Delete him from your contacts and move on.

    He sent that message to be clear and he's not thinking about it at all.

    The bigger issue is to work on yourself. Learn to control yourself.... be more thoughtful of the things you do or say BEFORE you do them, not after. You'll save yourself all this wasted over thinking energy.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    You need to stop and read every message before you send it and examine it to be sure you are saying what you really want to say. Be slow to hit that Send button.

    Leave this guy alone, he's married now.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Waraqqa
    Is it normal to feel this, and what should I do?
    Rest assured that anxiety is normal and that everyone suffers from it here and there.

    This particular situation seems to be triggering some intense anxiety that is distorting some of your feelings and causing you to ruminate. You are aware of this, which is good. But unfortunately it doesn't make your discomfort go away.

    I suggest you google and read about anxiety, rumination, and cognitive distortion to get some tips on how to deal with those feelings and behaviors.

    I don't think you should contact him with a big long explanation because it will just make you look like you are trying to come on to him, even though your feelings are totally pure.


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